[goldilox]

Hence one of my reasons for being frustrated... he gets upset and behaves cold with me when other guys are attracted to me... then he says all these things to me about how I know how he feels about me and I do this to him... yes he's said how he feels but we've never discussed anythign about us taking this to a different level or starting something... but he talks about how he thought we were going somewhere with all of this but I don't give a damn... because my actions shows differently... what am I supposed to do? Sit there and imagine to myself that we have soemthing going or wait for him to say lets start something? Well I am not prepared to do it... its not fair that he can have all his fun with his friends, go out and do whateva and I can't... I have no interest in anyone else... he knows that but he feels that I lead people on and so it becomes a problem... but that is not the case and not my intention... I have made it clear to those friends of mine who show an interest more than just a friend that I am not interested in anything else but friendship...

[goldilox]

How would you recommend that I try to take myself out of this situation... I think how things used to be in the past is the best way for us because all these emotions, confusion, arguments and tension just does not feel right...

[kp2171]

Well... before you worry about him, what about you? What are your plans? I mean, its fine to recognize his feelings for you, but that does not mean you shouldn't date or forge friendships with other men. If you aren't ready, that's fine. If there's nobody you would be interested in, fine. But please stop worrying about his feelings when it comes to your finding a person to share your life with... or decide how long you are willing to shut yourself off to the world for him.

I hate to say this, but sometimes you outgrow relationships, or at least they have to take on different shapes. For example, my wife dated a guy through HS and some in college. Then they spent years as close friends. Even when they were dating other people, they were close. His family always hoped, my wife thinks, that they would finally end up together.

Well... right about the time we started dating she realized they just were never going to be together. As a result, both sides have backed away a bit. They still love each other. They still have great affection for each other. They just can't be together like they were. Its not a sad ending. My wife is in a happy relationship (I hope!). He is also in a long term relationship.

Is it sad that their friendship evolved to a point where they aren't as close? Oh, I don't know. Friendships are like all relationships... dynamic and changing. Just because things were great a certain way at a certain time doesn't mean it can always stay that way. And it Doesn't mean that it's a bad thing.

So... how to go back? Well... first of all you need to tell him your position. Let him know you understand his feelings but you stand where you are. If he wants a friendship, you are there for him. If he wants to interfere with you having other friends, that's a problem.

If he's THAT good of a friend you should be able to talk to him about this. If he's vested in this, he will listen and he will honor your wishes.

All you can do is give him the chance to act appropriately. If he doesn't, then you know what kind of friend he has become, no matter what kind of friend he was.

[goldilox]

Thanks for your help... I have been in 2 long term relationships during the time we've known each other... he never seemed to have had much of a problem then though there were few times he made comments and durin that time too he begged to be with me at a certain point... I know that he also had a girlfriend even before we met each other... but ever since my last break up which was 18 months ago till now he's been this way... I am going to give him sometime and I will speak to him and let him know where I stand and get some sort of clarification from him as to where he stands and what his intentions are... but besides my feelings for him at this point... I hpoe for his sake he is able to change his life into a better one if at all he is like this... I understand it may be difficult but hopefully a miracle can happen... I think it is wrong, unhealthy and sad.

[americangayboy]

Maybe I missed something. A previous poster said he thinks this guy is bi based on his behavior with you. Have you had sex with him? A lot of the behavior you have described seems like standard gay-boy - best friend behavior.

I guess, theoretically, it is possible for a gay man to become straight, however, research indicates that male sexuality is pretty stable (and conversion therapy is not only ineffective, but dangerous).

[kp2171]

Maybe I missed something. A previous poster said he thinks this guy is bi based on his behavior with you. Have you had sex with him? A lot of the behavior you have described seems like standard gay-boy - best friend behavior.

Well... the following statements show that he's not exactly been "standard gay"... include this with his statements of wanting to be with her and I think its clear she's frustrated cause he has given mixed signals to her, both physically and emotionally.

...i know that he also had a girlfriend even before we met each other....

...he has attempted on many occasions to get close to my physically....we've kissed and made out a few times in the recent past but prior to that he had attempted on many occasions but back then i didn't feel that way about him yet. when i had given in he had literally begged me to let him feel me...

[americangayboy]

Well, I've had girlfriends in the past and I make out with my friends (male and female) all the time. Has he officially come out? It's kind of confusing.

To goldilox: I've had a crush on a straight guy before and I held onto anything that suggested that he was gay (or at least bicurious). Do you think you could be doing the same? Does he get jealous of your love interests or does he disapprove of the bad one? When he kisses you, is it playful? etc.

[kp2171]

I'm not going to say you are wrong or right. Your experience is yours. I have a great friend who is gay. He doesn't mash with women, doesn't become jealous when his women friends are hit on or dating other men, and he doesn't emotionally manipulate and restrain his women friends by saying he loves them and then acting distant. So, I think the experience she's going through isn't necessarily the "norm"... or maybe it is... I don't know...

Even if such behavior were "acceptable", its not to her. She's getting manipulated... and probably letting herself be as well...

I think the idea of a crush on her is an interesting point. I'm glad you brought it up. Not to mention her having a crush on him.

[goldilox]

To americanboy & KP... we've kissed a few times and all the times were very intense... and not like a playful kiss... some of which lead to us making out(not sex)... we've made out a few time and they were all very intense also... most of those times we've made out, we were close to having sex... and he was the one who had made the first moves but I stopped him because I wasn't sure if it was the right thing... until one time we ended up doing it (protected sex ofcourse)... it was hard at that moment to say no.. emotionally I had grown so much closer to him and wanting to be with him more and more... ever since he's become even more emotional about everythign I do... he gets jealous when other guys are interested in me... and its not that he sees that person as a bad person or a good person... duzn't matter who it is... he just can't help it and it shows in his actions even when he tries to hide it, he makes sarcastic remarks about them... we haven't been close (intimate i.e)for the past few weeks because of that same jealousy problem as I explained earlier about some friend of mine he saw me having lunch with at a restaurant even as casual as it was.but now he's beginning to come back to his normal self... he's starting to show a little bit and texting me about hwo much he misses me when he's away from me.. he had stopped doing this when that incident happened... for the last few days I've been trying to forget what I feel for him... trying not to think of him and for a little while it made me feel better... but now that he's starting to show a little bit more slowly, I'm starting to think of him and feel the same way again... he's confusing me... and I don't want to bring up the topic to him again about him and me... it frustrates me... what do you guys think now...

[americangayboy]

So he came out as gay and then had sex with you? If he did come out as gay and then had sex with you, he's probably using you to try to become straight. If you just suspected he was gay, something else is going on. Maybe he's just awkward around girls, maybe gay and trying to figure it out.

Regardless of the above, he can't keep jerking you around. You might have to tell him that he needs to be with you, or you need a break from the friendship. Don't be a jerk about it, but be direct and forceful. Like I said before, I can identify with having a crush on someone of a different sexual persuasion. It's really hard to be direct with them because you enjoy whatever attention you get, but it's not healthy. I (a bit angrily) told off the straight guy I had a crush on while we were drunk at a bar after he felt me up. It embarrassed him so much that he hasn't spoken to me, at all, since that night... so watch your tone if it comes to that.

[smoothy]

Maybe he just wasn't sure what he was after, experimented both ways and has decided he is more comfortable being Hetero.

I'd say its possible for a gay guy to go straight, just as its possible for a straight guy to go gay. It's a personal choice.

I'm willing to bet he is more of an unsure Bi than gay.

[americangayboy]

It's not a choice, but I will agree that it is possible (although unlikely).

[akms]

You can't change gay pple OK I'm queer and I've tried so hard to change trust me

[MayMsredrose]

HI Goldilox... I do not recommend that you go for such a relationship for many reasons...

A) I do not think he will change , and even if he did he might go back to his behavior after having you .
B) He does not know what he wants...
C) Would you accept such a partner for yourself?? Don't you think that you deserve someone better... if not emotional wise think of it from the health prospect and the dangerous sexual disease which might get transmitted to you...
D) you do not love him... you just have this feeling for him now because you are not dating since long time... he was there in front of you why you did not feel for him earlier...
E) the reason behind we get ourselves involved in relationship is to feel happy , secured, share our lives with someone... I doubt that you will feel happy in this relationship neither secured... as for sharing everything with him already you are doing that... Be careful and differentiate between friendship & love.

Good Luck.

Ms. Redrose

I just want to know how possible it is for a gay guy to go straight because i have this friend who is actually my best friend and we both go way back from school and now we work together...we do practically everything together; work, party, gym, tennis, you name it, except sleep together. He has been claiming to be interested in me during those years we've been friends but its almost as if his gears changes time to time..so like some times he shows his interest in me and other times it goes back to just being friends. this has gone on for years but ive always had my suspicions that he had this gay thing to him which he always denied when i asked him. ive seen the way he behaves with other gay guys and most of his guy friends are gay...he enjoys flirting with them and a few occasions ive seen him go back to his room with them even though he said that they just wanted to spend the night because they were tired. right now he's started back on that same trend where he's really getting emotional and all about me and he wants to be with me. I am confused. I'm beginning to have these feelings for him that i never thought i would feel and i dont know what to do....he gets mad when he sees others guys interested in me and right now he's being very cold as a result of that...for a few weeks now we have not been as close as we've always been and hardly even communicating....what do you think?do you think he can change?

[Vorlon007]

I just want to know how possible it is for a gay guy to go straight because i have this friend who is actually my best friend and we both go way back from school and now we work together...we do practically everything together; work, party, gym, tennis, you name it, except sleep together. He has been claiming to be interested in me during those years we've been friends but its almost as if his gears changes time to time..so like some times he shows his interest in me and other times it goes back to just being friends. this has gone on for years but ive always had my suspicions that he had this gay thing to him which he always denied when i asked him. ive seen the way he behaves with other gay guys and most of his guy friends are gay...he enjoys flirting with them and a few occasions ive seen him go back to his room with them even though he said that they just wanted to spend the night because they were tired. right now he's started back on that same trend where he's really getting emotional and all about me and he wants to be with me. I am confused. I'm beginning to have these feelings for him that i never thought i would feel and i dont know what to do....he gets mad when he sees others guys interested in me and right now he's being very cold as a result of that...for a few weeks now we have not been as close as we've always been and hardly even communicating....what do you think?do you think he can change?

He's either gay or bi, but in either case he has had a crush on you for years. You are his fantasy. Have you ever tried anything gay? It would break his heart if you did and it wasn't with him. Are you interested in him at all? If you really value this friendship, you must determine some things. If he always says "no" when you enquire if he is gay, it's because he fears he'll lose you as a friend if he answers yes. If we lived in a better world, perhaps you two would try out a little togetherness, but we don't, and in this world as it is, to be gay is to be weak, wrong, sinner, etc. But to answer your question, no, a gay guy cannot go straight. He can pretend he is straight, get married, have children, be one of the boys, but he will not be straight. Always, in his head, when he makes love to whoever, most likely he will be thinking of you.

[goldilox]

I know that I did love him in a frienly way before I started feeling this way about him... and I do care for him a lot... I believe he cares just as much for me but right now ever since I started feeling this way... I don't know if the kind of love I had for him back then has changed into the kind of love a woman has for a man... im not too sure about that and still trying to find out but to answer one of your questions... he has never admitted to be gay... its just my suspicions, seeing him around other gay guys, flirting with them, etc... prior to when things started to change with me emotionally about him... he was very comfortable doing it in my presence although during those times he used to talk about him being with me all along... but like there were times for e.g. we'd go to a bar and have drinks and just for fun we'd check out all the gay guys around together... it even came to a point where we were both playing games by sending them drinks from across the bar without identifying ourselves... for me I did it just for fun but I don't know what his real reason was although he would say its just for fun for himself also... but this is just one e.g... we've had many encounters like this together and I go with the flow but in the back of my head I'm monitoring his motions etc... but at that time I didn't feel that way about him so it was okay for me to play along... I used to tease him telling him that I suspected him but he always denied it and said that he's just very comfortable with his sexuality... but its just so funny that he flirts with them all the time and hardly ever does it with females... well... at this point I am frustrated and whilst emotionally I want to be with him... my mind is telling me to get out of it... I just need to find a way stop myself from feeling that way about him... I know seeing someone else may help but at this point there's absolutely no potential person right now that I see... and even me being away from him would help but its not possible since we work together... he's in my eyes everyday... we do gym and tennis together everyday... what are your suggestions... and I appreciate eveyrone's opinions and advice.. thanks a lot.

[ky37m]

Maybe he just wasn't sure what he was after, experimented both ways and has decided he is more comfortable being Hetero.

I'd say its possible for a gay guy to go straight, just as its possible for a straight guy to go gay. Its a personal choice.

I'm willing to bet he is more of an unsure Bi than gay.

I tried to "go straight" for over 20 yrs. I prayed daily, begging to be , what I thought was normal. If he's bi, that's a whole different thing, but a dog can't turn into a cat.(bad analogy, but I think you get the point

[goldilox]

I respect your opinion on it... I believe anythign is possible by the grace of God... I hope not because I may want to be with him but for his sake that he can change this kind of life... I pray that he does someday soon...

[americangayboy]

I think you want him to change his life because you have a crush on him, but that's not going to happen. I've been in your situation, it sucks, but you have to quit dwelling on it, and if that means you have to limit your contact with him, DO IT!! He is not responsible for your happiness, you are.

On a side: there's nothing wrong with him if he's gay.

[goldilox]

While I respect your opinion on being gay... I hope that he can change for his own sake... and not just for the mare reason that I may want to be with him... but as a true friend also... I have faith and believe that anything is possible... what I just need to do is to stop myself from having those feelings for him... I need to be the same old me I used to be with him before all those feelings came along... maybe it's the best thing... I may be happier and hopefully he will too... but then he needs to stop pursueing me... stop with all the 'i miss u's' and the 'i want to be with u's' and the jealousy thingy when other guys show interest in me... y should he get jealous and mad when other guys show interest in me if that's the case?