Check out some similar questions!

specialwendy · Aug 27, 2007, 12:07 PM

Hi I am 41 and I am in arelationship with a 29 year old. We do fun things together but when it comes to sex he does not want too. We have been together for 9 months and we have only had sex 4 times. He is not financially well off but I am and sometimes I think maybe he is with me because of that. I send him flowers take him to dinner etc, I have never received flowers from him yet. Although he keeps saying that he loves me, he sends me these nice e-cards. I really don't know what to do.

synonim · Aug 27, 2007, 02:14 PM

Why do you need sex from him? You have an unusual relationship, but you should support him in every way that you can, if you love him and you want him. If you do not love him, then you should not be with him.

kp2171 · Aug 27, 2007, 02:26 PM

I absolutely disagree with synonim.

Sexual compatibility is something that should be considered when in a relationship. Saying that being in love warrants putting up with neglect is unhealthy and naïve.

Should sex dominate any relationship? I'm not going to say yes or no. different people have different priorities. I'm in a great marriage with a woman who is older than me. If she thought, early in the relationship, that we were sexually incompatible, she would have had a problem staying with me. Thankfully, were on the same page most of the time, and our relationship is strong.

Can people have relationships that are sexless and be happy? Absolutely. But it means both people need to be of the same mindset. I don't think you are anywhere near ready to bury your sexuality. And really, it isn't just about sex... its about intimacy.

If I want an orgasm I can make that happen now. Sex is about an intimate connection to another person... and hopefully orgasms too.

So... I think you have had, in my opinion, very little sex for a relationship between two consenting adults. All you can do is talk to him about your wants and needs.

If nothing changes, and you decide to stay, you don't get to complain. At some point you also accept the relationship without thinking it'll get better in time.

Sex might be the issue stated, but you are wondering about intimacy issues. You want to be chased and pursued. And it seems he's, at best, lazy about this.

tpreyer · Aug 28, 2007, 08:30 PM

He is so using you and if you don't know that something's wrong with you, Have some dignity
He is not attracted to you physically he has sex with you when he has to so the money or living arrangement whatever your doing financially won't stop.

Trouble321 · Aug 28, 2007, 09:12 PM

Some people just don't desire to have sex as much as others.
Do not feel that the problem is with you, its not... the problem is with him.
My suggestion is to discuss it with him. If he refuses to talk about it or justifies it with reasons that are not acceptable to you, then you must make the decision if you can live with it or not.
Ending a relationship before the 1 yr mark would be smart though... if you decide to go that route.

intherapy · Aug 28, 2007, 11:12 PM

I will try and be honest without sounding shallow.

I was in a relationship with a man who was fifteen years older than myself, his 43 to my 28. When we were imtimate for the first time it was very different. He was actually in pretty good shape still, taking good care of himself, but his body was different from the men my age that I was accustomed to. The age difference was physically apparent yet I found that I was trying and convince myself that it didn't matter. Who he was and how he made me feel intimately was what mattered. I knew this but somehow I just couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't as attracted to him as I wanted to be. It put quite a damper on things for me. I just wasn't used to his body type.

All I can say is that if you put emphasis on a sexual relationship with someone, and you value intimacy with your partner than you need to be with someone who values the same thing.

The age difference probably is an issue for him, and as for the money, hun it sounds very much like you are being used. Someone may have a sugar momma. Don't put up with that. Young men may be fun and cute but most are immature and haven't a clue who they are and what's really important. Find someone who will appreciate just how beautiful you truly are.

Kevin_s · Aug 29, 2007, 10:58 AM

I wouldn't go to say that he's using you, sure he's younger, but it may just not be his thing. On the other hand, you still have more information on it than any of us here. If you think he might be using you, then it's not worth it to you.

My girlfriend for example, same age as me, lately isn't focused on sex, she's so stressed with school and work that she just loses her drive. If I go and talk to her about it, she stresses more. I found though that if I just give her some space she will not only miss me, but she is more intimate in all aspects. We went from going like 3 - 4 weeks without anything to like... 3-4 times this week haha. Space makes the heart grow fonder.

I'd say talk to him about it, if you both care about each other a lot, give him some space. If you are really unhappy then it's just not worth it to you. He obviously has some issues to deal with, and maybe he feels threatened because you seem like you spoil him. He could feel like he's not as good as he needs to be and it stresses him out.

Some people (male or female does not matter) mature at a faster rate. I'm young, but I know what I want. I'm working at a hospital for the health benefits, while doing full school for a MBA in business and an emphasis in Computer science, while trying to start a business and handle a relationship and social life.

My girlfriend and I have our ups and downs, but she knows what I want for my life, and the drive I have and she won't be in my way of keeping me happy. I guess we've come to an understanding, and you need to do so with him as well or try to move on.

Hope anything I've said helps.

Kevin

goldilox · Aug 29, 2007, 11:25 AM

Personally, I think that you are being used... this is just my opinion.. I may be wrong... I know of so many situations here around me where these things happen and its funny when I hear a lot of young guys speak about wanting to be with an older woman just for convenience.. money, material things, etc... someone who can take care of them financially... I believe some of them do get attracted to older women not just for the money reason but for sex... meaning the experience that comes with it that an older woman can teach to a young guy... he may not be physically attracted to you and the few times he's been intimate with you may just be for the sake of doing it just because he feels he owes it to u... again this is my opinion... you of course have all the info from the start to the end... so you need to sit and analyse this situation... try speaking to him about it, if he shows no interest in talking about it then there's no doubt that that's what it is... he's there for the convenience... some are very dependable on older women in that aspect of their lives... so I do hope you get this sorted out... if nothing seems to be working for you.. then you need to checkout.

goldilox · Aug 29, 2007, 11:28 AM

Also, I think that the fact that you are more financially stable than he is and that you are the one helping him out most times in that aspect... this is more reason for him to show you some sort of affection for what you are doing... so I don't see what his reason is for not being intimate with you other than the fact that there's not interest in that aspect of the relationship... just a thought!

Kevin_s · Aug 29, 2007, 11:40 AM

I guess for the financial part of it, you'd have to ask yourself if you would feel stressed to know that you're having trouble and someone else is very... giving to you? I try not to rely on anyone, but I know sometimes it feels good to be spoiled.

specialwendy · Aug 29, 2007, 03:23 PM

Kevin,

Thanks a million for your response. You seem so mature. I know that sometimes he says that he feels h is not good enough for me but he says he really wants to make it work/ I guess I will give him a chance but I know for sure that I have a low self esteem and my friends think that I am co dependent

intherapy · Aug 29, 2007, 07:07 PM

Have you discussed anything about his sex drive with him? A man of his age, although on the downslope of his sexual prime, should still have a very healthy drive. It just doesn't make sense. Forgive my harshness but you may need to stop fooling yourself and look at the reality.

Are you both in this relationship for convenience? Are you planning on marriage/lifelong relationship? If not then why are you wasting your time? You know that sex is something you value and something you need in a relationship, if he can't give that to you, even if it's just to suffice you sometimes, that should tell you a lot. The man either has sexual problems, physical, mental, emotional based, whatever they may be, or HE IS USING YOU! Period. Stop wasting your time, ask the important questions and move through it.

I am sorry but nothing infuriates me more than when you know the answer deep down but you just ignore it because of fear. We all need to take control of our lives and stop waiting for others to make the big decisions for us. It may hurt your pride to know that he isn't attracted to you, but there are plenty of good men that will be. Value yourself!

Ash123 · Aug 29, 2007, 07:13 PM

41 and 29?

Hmmm, do you want to get married?
If so, keep looking...
If not, keep your platonic friendship going.

I know you are hurting. Sexual incompatibility is angst producing.
And if you are wondering if sex once every other month is normal for a new couple,
I would have to say... no. Maybe a long-time/multi-kid/busy couple/with health issues...
Otherwise, it sounds like you have more of a boarder than a lover.

Bummer.

sarah1989 · Aug 29, 2007, 07:17 PM

Do you think he might be getting git else where?
Just a thought

sarah1989 · Aug 29, 2007, 07:23 PM

What's that mean ?

intherapy · Aug 29, 2007, 09:09 PM

Originally Posted by sarah1989

whats that mean ?

Meant "elephant". That was the elephant in the room. Everyone reading this question thought of that obvious possibility, is what I was referring to, except no one said anything. That's all, sorry if I confused.:)

specialwendy · Aug 30, 2007, 09:09 AM

Thank you all for your different views, you all seem to have the same view. I think I really need to re look it. Yes I fel really bad that maybe the truth is he is not attracted to me sexually but to the perks that I bring to the table. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me because he was divorced already and has a son. I also have two kids by my previous marriage. I think I will just give him some space. We talked about the sex issues and he says that its just because he is really tired. He is a mortician and works a lot but I need to stop making excuses for him. I also thought maybe he is getting it elsewhere but he says sometimes he just masturbates if I am not around. Now that I am writing it I think it sounds so stupid. Thanks a lot guys.

kp2171 · Aug 30, 2007, 09:27 AM

OK... so he might be faithful but he's getting himself off when you aren't around... and he's letting that substitute for the affection and intimacy you desire.

So as long as he gets his, one way or the other..?

Look, if he needs a "quick fix" and it doesn't take away from the relationship, its one thing. But when hed rather just get himself off, when you clearly aren't getting any help, that's just inconsiderate and rude.

Great that he's a "problem solver"... too bad he can't help you with yours.

talaniman · Sep 2, 2007, 05:14 PM

Healthy relationships survive with being on the same page, and working together to solve your problems, and I don't see that happening here. At least you've talked, now how do you solve the problem? If he can't take your feelings into account, then you have the wrong guy for a relationship with. Tell him to save some of his spunk for you.