[Lenovo]

Ok, I know the topic is a little... different, but just recently, I found out my own brother has wanted me dead my whole life. When I was only a couple days old, he tried to kill me, I found that out from my parents, and then when I was maybe about two years old, he threw me down the stairs, that I don't remember either. Even growing up, he was rather violent towards me, things I never told my parents, many times, he would punch me in the chest so hard, I would loose my breath.

So, my whole life growing up, my brother had his own passive ways of trying to kill me when I was young, I only passed it off as simple sibling rivalry, but with this new information, that my brother tried to smother me when I was a couple days old, and my parents did nothing about it, besides pull him off me, I mean, I don't know what to think now.

I have so many enotions rushing through me. Anger, Betrayal, Some fear, Sadness, confusion the biggest. I mean, am I just reading into this too deep? Also, why would my parent simply say "oh he was young at the time and didn't know better" That is the one thing that p****s me off the most, cause had it been the other way around, I know for a fact they would never let me live it down, the would constantly remind me.

At times, when I think about it, I am so grateful he's not even in the same state, otherwise I might do something I might regret, but then I remind myself, that last time I saw him, he was a real "brother" than violent. IDK, just really confused, and angry and everything

Cripes, I feel like I should be laying on a couch with a person behind with a pen and a pad of paper sketching down notes, knowing the notes are going to be tossed out as soon as I leave, OK, I'll shut up now.:p

[tkdgal]

Knowing that someone so close to you has wanted you dead is a shocking and emotionally destructive thing to hear, and I sympathize with you. Being second born(I suppose), jealousy may be a huge factor is his decision to be so violent. Some people need constant attention and hate it when others share the limelight. You seem to try to find the good in people, telling from your decision to ignore the situation from the beginning, but it's always better to tell someone you can trust these feelings that you have experienced for quite a while. Not only will it help you get things off your chest, but it will make you feel better that someone is trying to help you out. It was absolutely wrong of your parents not to step in further than they did... that was horrible parenting on their part. As a child, you should not be expected to solve these kinds of things on your own, so don't feel bad about that at all. The emotions you have are completely normal for the predicament you are in, and it's good to express them in healthy ways, such as talking to a counselor or even some private meditation time by yourself. You are not reading into things too deeply at all. I suggest talking to a pyschiatrist about your problems. Bringing along your brother, if possible, would be even better, because then you would have a chance to listen to what your brother is thinking, as well. The counselor could somewhat act as a referee. The sooner the better to get your problems fixed, because the sooner you'll feel about yourself and your life as a whole. Good luck!

[Lenovo]

I just don't want to end up being put somewhere, like a half way house cause after that, the stress got to me, and the way I dealt with stress before, is I'd cut my arm, sometimes I'd only need a small band aid, other time, I'd have to put a wet paper towel over the cut, but I told my friends and family I was playing a game like 20 questions, only when you got a question wrong, you had to cut yourself, for a while they bought it, but my closest friend either figured out I was lying, or he is beginning to suspect something.

[GlindaofOz]

You need to go and talk to a counselor. It sounds as if you are turning your anger and rage onto yourself. That is a very dangerous road to start down. If you get yourself help now you will be able to work through this rage and live a healthy, normal life.

[Lenovo]

A shrink, just what my brother needs to find out. That I end up seeing a shrink, I would feel like a total hypocrite (however spelled) I used to laugh at people who had to see shrinks, even if was just in a movie. However, I only cut my arm when the stress REALLY builds up. If its minor stress, I start squeezing a stress ball.

[GlindaofOz]

Cutting yourself is not an okay behavior regardless of your stress level. You also don't have to tell anyone you are going to see a counselor.

[Lenovo]

Well, shrinks/counselors, whatever you want to call them, are a little on the expensive side. Not nescesarilly something I can afford at the moment, got other bills to take care of first.

[GlindaofOz]

You can see one for as little as $10 through your towns mental health department.

[Lenovo]

Seriously? Doesn't that differ from state to state, and county and all?

[GlindaofOz]

Nope if its state sponsored its done on a sliding scale based on what you can afford

[Wondergirl]

Glinda is correct. In fact, the cost for a counselor through your township or county might even be less. My uncle paid only $3 an hour, met with her once or twice a week for his depression, on a sliding scale based on his income.

I've met with clients (Catholic Charities) and they told me just talking about things was such a relief--someone actually listened to them and believed them and worked with them to find solutions or some kind of resolution.

[Lenovo]

Wow, I feel like a total fool, thinking the worst in everything, especially when it comes to getting help. Thanks, I think I will look into that. I wish I knew more people as helpful as you.

[GlindaofOz]

Hey you now know a whole community.

Your mental well being is very important. There is no reason to put off help when its available. Good luck!

[J_9]

Just to add my 2 cents worth. Check out your local univeristy's psychology department. Many departments have FREE counseling. Sure it is done by students, but they are under the guidance of their licensed professors. They have some GREAT cutting edge techniques and wonderful new therapies.

I used my local university when going through post partum depression, didn't pay a penny, and came out great in only 2 months of talk therapy.

[hdawson1]

Speaking from an older siblings point of view, I was the jealous big sister when it came to my little brother. I was very very mean to him growing up. To the point I threatened to smother him in his sleep. I was like 10 and he was 6. A lot of it came from jealousy. As we got older, and I moved out we began to build on our relationship. Then when our parents passed away we had no one else to lean on but each other. Now I don't know what I would do if something were to happen to him. He is one of my very best friends. I even named my son after him. I guess all I'm saying (not making light of your situation in any way) but we sometimes do things as children that we deeply regret. Maybe you should give your big bro a chance to make amends.