[Sportsfanatic]

About 9 months ago I met a married man it started purely as Friends... As I am also married. I was going through a very hard time with my husband and asked him to move out. This man I thought was also in the same spot. He was so funny and I told myself it would stay as friends.

One night we all went out as a group and things happened between myself and the married man, that I can't get over or forgive myself for. Despite that I haven't slept with my husband in almost a year, it is still wrong.

To make matters worse I fell in love with this guy who continues to lie to me telling me he loves me and will leave his wife. I don't want to wake up anymore due to the guilt and damage this man has done. One night a bunch of us went over his house and I found an ovulation kit in his bathroom trash. That made me feel horrible and so betrayed. Amazing how he hates his wife, but yet is trying to have a child with her.

I just want to feel like a person again, and I used to like looking at the person in the mirror, before this happened. This guy is all I think about, and I can't get it out of my head. He made so many empty promises, and even said he loved me.

How do you get past something like this, and would a guy lie when he said I love you?

[GoldieMae]

No judging as it seems you are judging yourself for your mistake.

Men who want or know they will get sex will lie, lie, and lie some more. If a man is married to another woman, always presume he is lying, because he is. If he wasn't lying, his wife would know about you.

I am guessing this man is a coworker? If so, you may need to leave your job. The only way you can fix this is going no contact. You shouldn't ever see him again unless it is purely by accident, and even then, avoid him. If he is otherwise someone you know through a friend, you need to figure out a way to avoid contact with him.

Feelings fade. You need to know that what you feel for him is not "real love." Real love does not involve the emotions you are feeling: suspicion, betrayal, jealousy, guilt, self-loathing. What you are feeling is more of an emotional attachment based on an unhealthy mental state at the time you and he began the affair. If you keep telling yourself "it's not love" it may help.

Clear him out of your life for good. Don't see him, don't call him, don't accept his calls, tell him to eff off.

And if you think it may help, even a tiny bit, start seeing a therapist.

[kp2171]

Can't change what has happened.

You have to shut him out of your life. Anything less is kidding yourself. You aren't going to begin to recover until you remove him.

Not your fault he lied. Your fault in choosing to be a part of it all. You knew it was wrong. You know it is wrong. And now you are paying a price mentally.

Accept nothing from him. Words are hollow. Until you demand and expect more for yourself, and are willing to have the discipline to wait, you aren't going to be in a better place.

So start now. Today. Remove those things that are keeping you from looking at yourself in the mirror. And let yourself be sad and lonely at the loss of your relationships. Don't try to fill that void with anything.

And you need to deal with your marriage. Not sure what's going on there, but its something you are going to need to deal with.

[Sportsfanatic]

Thanks for the answers... I am working on seeing a therapist soon so I can try and move on with my life. I don't work with him, so there is no reason to see him. Except for the fact that he calls me once a week to tell me how his wife is on the way out. And asks me to wait for him?? I thinks it's a ploy so I don't spill the beans to anyone. Like I said he did some really BAD things... I don't know if my relationship w/my husband can survive the guilt I feel?? But I blame myself for being fooled. One of my friends said he is PROFESSIONAL in the area of scams, and I was good prey... Ironically I am a psy major who thought this would never happen to me, because of the values and principles I believe in.

[kp2171]

Well... doctors can become drug addicts, etc. just because you are trained in an area doesn't mean you approach your life with a clear perspective. Its easy to give advice to your friends. We are often most critical of ourselves, but at the same time we ignore the advice we would clearly give others in the same situation.

Scour the threads here. I don't think I have seen one with a married man and other woman that ended with "he finally left her and we are together, happy ever after"...

I'm not saying a person can't leave a marriage and find another relationship that will last. I have a close relative who did just that. The second marriage is great, and she met him as he was leaving his first.

But... nothing about his actions speak with conviction. Stop making excuses for him and for yourself. He calls you because you LET him.

You LET him rope you in. as long as you say "but he calls me..." you are letting him in your life.

So... change your number. Inconvenient? Sure. Absolutely. But when my wife had an ex calling at all hours she ended up changing her number no less than two times. So which is more convenient, changing the number and sending a message or dealing with the noise that he feeds you. Have you ever thought maybe you are not the only one he's stringing along? Why wouldn't he be running this game on more than one woman at a time? Just a thought...

So don't blame him for being the reason he is still in your life. You are letting him. You are still waiting for it all to go right. You are enabling the situation. So you need to decide. All in or all out. Enough with the in between.

When you sit on top of the fence cause you cannot decide which side to be on all you get is a pain in the a$$.

There is a point where you are a victim. And a point where you choose to play that role.

Its not easy. That's OK. But as long as you hold on you are only delaying moving on. That means a lot of needless suffering before you even get to the point of really getting over it all.

Been there done that myself.

Stop it.

[Ash123]

When it ends you can begin.

Like all relationships you must define the end to start a new beginning.
Let time do what it does best - heal. CUT your ties to this man and you will heal. What you did is the past - as long as you MAKE it the past.

[Sportsfanatic]

I met this guy almost a year ago. It started as friends as we were both married. Then we started talking a lot. He told me his problems and I confided in him w mine. We played a sport together so we saw one another at least once a week. He seemed really interested in me and pursued me. I loved the attention he was giving me as my marr was going down hill. My husband and I had a lot of problems not that he is or was a BAD guy we just fell out of love. I am almost 30 and marr my husband at 20. And in the ten years w him I have never CHEATED on him.

But one night I had a little too much 2 drink (NO EXCUSE) and I slept with this guy. It got crazy from that point on. He was filling my head up w all the things I wanted to hear. Telling me that he was going 2 leave his wife and how he wasn't in love w her anymore. He knew I was devastated over what happened, but assured me that he loved me. I couldn't even write down all the things this guy has said and done, because I am embarrassed. I fell totally in love with him. As I still do love him. I just seems impossible to make the right decision or to move on. He told me today his wife is going to the OBGYN to be checked out?? Hmmm... I think it is because she might be pregnant. We have continued this relationship on for about a year, and every time I break it off I give him another chance. Am I stupid or what?? I never LOVED anyone this way and I have let this man destroy me...

Everyone around me says I have changed and no longer that happy go lucky girl they once knew. But I can't talk to anyone about this... No one would understand what I am going through unless they were in my shoes. I am mixed w all sorts of emotions, especially GUILT... How do you get past cheating on someone? Loving someone? Forgiving yourself?

I ju

[GoldieMae]

Get away from this man. Don't talk to him, don't take his calls, don't bother yourself with his life, quit the team. This is toxic. You are just torturing yourself.

Remember the last post you made? I don't think the advice is going to change. You know he and his wife are trying to have a baby. He ain't leaving her.

Just stop what you are doing. Do you really want to put a pregnant lady through the torture of finding out her husband is a scumbag? What if she loses her baby? That would only add to your guilt.

Stop trying to convince yourself that this guy loves you. He doesn't love you, he loves your punnanny.

[happylady123]

He's still married and he's not leaving his wife obviously, or he would have already done that. I don't think it's fair to you or or husband to stay in your relationship because you guys are not happy and don't love each other. A relationship is built on trust and neither relationship you have right now is trustworthy. It sucks but you must realize you have to move on, and start over. Be single for awhile, find yourself, find that happy go lucky person, then look for a relationship. Good luck!

[PippaSW]

You also have to think of things this way, you're the "2nd" woman in his life. So if he's OK with doing that to his wife, than he's really not a good guy. And you should never put yourself though anything that makes you more unhappy, than happy.

[talaniman]

Making a mistake is human, making the same mistake for a year, is plain stupid, and you need to feel guilty. You can change things though, by just stop seeing him, and put your life back together. Not easy, but its better than drowning in your own shat.

[Sassafras27]

Well, I understand. I had a similar situation, except I never slept with the man. He told me he was in love with me, I was marriage material, I was his best friend. He used to say to me he'd leave his wife if only I would “just get on board.” Can you believe it? If he was at all serious about the state of his supposedly disastrous relationship, he'd leave his wife. Period. You don't just keep your wife around in case it doesn't work out with the girlfriend! Also, if he is serious about the love he has for you, he'd leave his wife because he's obviously no longer in love with her. A man who truly loves another woman would never put her in the position of playing second fiddle to a wife or a family and he would certainly never ask you to consider doing that. However, this guy likes the attention you give him. He likes the way it makes him feel. He feels alive again. He feels wanted and needed again. He likes the 'high' it gives him. He's not in love with you as much as he's in love with the feelings that accompany this clandestine little affair. When you're in a tough spot and you're a little (or a lot) depressed and someone like this man showers attention and affection upon you, it's very easy for that attention to become addictive. Ask yourself: Do I love him or am I just looking for a diversion too? A diversion from a depression or bad marriage, just like him? I'm not excusing his behaviour. Men who make empty promises to feed their ego or their sexual appetite are extremely self-absorbed, soulless individuals. There is no good thing I can say about them. But YOU won't change him. He was born the selfish excuse for a man that he is and so he will remain. You on the other hand have feelings and a personality. Don't let this empty shell of a man ruin the good that's inside of you. See him for what he is (or isn't), forgive yourself for your error in judgement and move on.

[Sportsfanatic]

I haven't posted for a while, but since the last post a lot has happened. To sum things up I was seeing a married man who hurt me very much, as at the time I was still on paper married to my husband.

Well, my husband and I since decided to separate. And that so called boyfriend of mine told me him and his wife were done. So, I went to meet up with him and in fact he was living with his friend. We spent the weekend together and he made me a million promises. He showed me his phone with all the texts from her and I believed this time he was done.

Then a few days later he told me he had to go back to her because his friend asked him to leave. I was furious... How could he do this I thought? He said I should understand that at this time he is not working and has no family here to live with. And yes that is true, but if he loved me then why go back to her? He said I was irrational to be mad at the situation and I should just wait.

Funny I was doing OK for the last month without him, seeing a social-worker, and hanging with my friends. But I still thought about this guy every day. When you love someone it isn't easy to just erase them. I stayed strong cut him out of my life, then when I thought he was finally done he went back... What do you do when you love someone? You get weak, you act irrational and I was happy with this guy. But what do I do? If I walk away it will hurt so bad, but part of me is tired of being hurt by him. I feel like a jerk for giving him a second chance, but I saw it for myself he was out. Do you think he loves me? Do you think he is just with her for security? Or is it he will never leave her and I am his crutch? I feel lOST all over again. He loved me to death when this happens and now he is acting strangely... The pain and confusion I feel is unexplainable. Thank you...

[simranrajput]

Hi mam... basically you otta read something I've posted.mam you should not feel guilty in first place if you want to to recover.we all make mistakes and best part is you know you made a mistake.isnt it?I fell in love with a school senior an yr back.later gotto know he was married.trust me I was shattered.I hadn't ever even kissed him but emotional intimacies are much more than physical.but I took a decision and help of experts out here and I moved on in life.trust me life is so much better!!
Take it that way... give yousrself some excuse.you sud learn to forgive yourself.coz that's how you can be happy.try to get back to your husband.try to keep yuorself busy.dont go to places that remind you of him.alwaz remember no one can help you if you're are not ready to help yourself.
God bless you... take care..

[simranrajput]

Wow mam.I replied to your previous question.check that too,before reading this.
Well if you like me to answer you straight,sorry to dissapoint you but you are being used.married men can lie almost as easily as eating a cake.
He spoke to you what you wanted to hear.and he has just kept on using you.
It was a huge mistake to go back to him,as good as a sin,which you've committed against your ownself.
Married men are alwaz far too committed to leave their wives.trust me neither is he planning nor will he leave his wife.
All he is doing is enhancing his greedy satieties from you.
Nothing good will come out for you.leave him before you are in a situation nothing can be done.
You've done enough damage to yourself.come out of it.dont be used and tossed away.
Get real... he doesn't love you.who is suffering ?you... who is feeling gulity?you...
Now you choose either pain of few days or happiness of few days which mite later be suffering of a lifetime.choice is yours.
Goodluck...

[talaniman]

Your problem is very simple, you are putting more love into someone else other than yourself. Until you learn to love yourself and make yourself happy you will always fall for the ones who don't love and honor you. Your decisions are mistakes brought on by you not loving yourself and expect others to love you. It doesn't work that way, as your finding out the hard way. Leave the relationships alone period and find what makes you happy and do for you until you are healed and healthy again. Only then can you be ready for a healthy relationship, and you can see the lies and false promises, when they come out of a selfish losers mouth.

[Sportsfanatic]

wow mam.i juz replied to your previous question.check that too,before reading this.
well if you like me to answer you straight,sorry to dissapoint you but you are being used.married men can lie almost as easily as eating a cake.
he spoke to you wat you wanted to hear.and he has just kept on using you.
it was a huge mistake to go back to him,as good as a sin,which you've commited against your ownself.
married men are alwaz far too committed to leave their wives.trust me neither is he planning nor will he leave his wife.
all he is doing is enhancing his greedy satieties from you.
nothing good will come out for you.leave him before you are in a situation nothing can be done.
youve done enough damage to yourself.come out of it.dont be used and tossed away.
get real...he doesnt love you.who is suffering ?you...who is feeling gulity?you...
now you choose either pain of few days or happiness of few days which mite later be suffering of a lifetime.choice is yours.
goodluck...

Thank you, for your help...

[Sportsfanatic]

hi mam...basically you otta read something iv posted.mam you should not feel guilty in first place if you wanna to recover.we all make mistakes and best part is you know you made a mistake.isnt it?i fell in love with a school senior an yr back.later gotto know he was married.trust me i was shattered.i hadnt ever even kissed him but emotional intimacies are much more than physical.but i took a decision and help of experts out here and i moved on in life.trust me life is so much better!!!
take it that way...give yousrself some excuse.you sud learn to forgive yourself.coz thats how you can be happy.try to get back to your husband.try to keep yuorself busy.dont go to places that remind you of him.alwaz remeber no one can help you if youre are not ready to help yourself.
god bless you...take care..

Thank you so much... Both answers were very helpful...

[simranrajput]

You're always welcome dear... its smart of you to ak for advice and be strong to implement it in your life... wish you goodluck...

[s_cianci]

Or is it he will never leave her and I am his crutch?

This is it, exactly. You know the answer to your question, now it's up to you to do something about it. Personally, I'd hate to think that your own marriage broke up over this guy.