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still_holding_on · Jul 25, 2007, 05:28 PM

I'm still overcome with grief day after day after I miscarried what would have been my first child, even though I now have a beautiful 6 month old son that I adopted and brought home at 9 days old... he's the apple of my eye and he's my everything, I love him more than I ever imagined possible, but I feel guilty for still missing the child I lost, I feel like I'm not a good mother because I love my baby in Heaven too, and I feel like losing the baby was my fault for not leaving my abusive ex sooner. Is it wrong of me to still miss my baby? And will this heartbreak ever go away or will I ever stop blaming myself? I don't want to feel so sad all the time, I will be started the process of adopting my second child very soon, but I feel like this miscarriage is taking over my life...

JoeCanada76 · Jul 25, 2007, 05:55 PM

Hello stillholdingon,

There is no reason to feel guilty about missing the child you lost. My wife and I, our first baby ended in miscarriage and it was heartbreaking but I think we all get through it eventually. I nor my wife will never forget our first baby. Now we have a beautiful baby boy and it was well worth the wait. Just like now you have a beautiful blessing of an adopted boy. He needs to be your focus now. Blame and guilt and all these things are normal but you need to come to terms that this was never your fault and just know that your little one is being well taken care of by God. If it becomes overwhelming or you feel that your not able to shake the sadness, I hope your open to talking to others. Counselors, just somebody that you can talk to and get your feelings out in the open.

I also recommend a diary. Writing in a diary if you have time. All your thoughts and feelings and this is another way of releasing it and hopefully growing from the experience then you will be able to enjoy the blessings that you have now.

Best wishes and prayers are with you and your family.

Joe

LearningAsIGo · Jul 27, 2007, 08:50 AM

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You can't control what happened to your body, even if you somehow think you could have done something differently. Its hard sometimes, but what is meant to happen, happens.

I had a miscarriage only a few days after I knew I was pregnant. It was really hard and I kind of "ignored it" for a while. It hit hard when I passed my due date a few weeks ago. It helped me to name our baby and think of it as playing in heaven with other babies like him/her. Sounds cheesy, but it helped.
Like Joe mentioned, a journal can help. Sometimes even writing to that child (like a letter) can be really soothing to your soul. Just remember that your little peanut will always be with you and his/her brothers and sisters... that baby could even be their guardian angel. :)

{{HUGS}}

still_holding_on · Aug 10, 2007, 05:33 PM

Thank you both for your answers... I just passed my child's due date last month and it really shook me up thinking that right now I should be rocking my month old child to sleep... I hope it does get better with time, I just want to be able to put all my focus on my son right now, adopting him really saved me, I never would've made it this long without him. I know my little angel is watching over me and her brother right now..

hdawson1 · Aug 13, 2007, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by still_holding_on

i'm still overcome with grief day after day after i miscarried what would have been my first child, even though i now have a beautiful 6 month old son that i adopted and brought home at 9 days old.... hes the apple of my eye and hes my everything, i love him more than i ever imagined possible, but i feel guilty for still missing the child i lost, i feel like im not a good mother because i love my baby in Heaven too, and i feel like losing the baby was my fault for not leaving my abusive ex sooner. is it wrong of me to still miss my baby? and will this heartbreak ever go away or will i ever stop blaming myself? i dont want to feel so sad all the time, i will be started the process of adopting my second child very soon, but i feel like this miscarriage is taking over my life...

I too lost my little girl. I was 9 months along and went in for my last check up ,and she had suddenly died. I had to go through the whole labor and delivery. I had her on 6-16-07. It has been one of the most devastating experiences of my life. One of the things that really helped me come out of the dark was making a scrapbook. I put her sonagram pictures, letters from me and her father, cards from everyone after the funeral, and a bunch of other things of that type. The rest of her things, her clothes, her bassinet, we gave to families in need. I hold Aidan's book very close to my heart and when I get to missing my little girl, I have it to look back on. I wish I could say that either one of us will ever get over losing a child, but we won't. We won't ever forget. But time has a way of making each day go by a little easier than the last. Be thankful that you have a beautiful little boy and a little girl on the way, live your life for them, and live the life that your baby girl would've wanted you to have. My heart really goes out to you, and I always hate it when people tell me, "oh, I know how you feel." But I've been there too. Though we may not be traveling down the same road, I know the pain you feel.