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Newyorker · Jul 23, 2007, 08:14 PM

My friend and bride-to-be just found out that my husband and I are trying to get pregnant. (Her wedding is this October and it is July.) She asked why we couldn't wait until her wedding is over and I explained that I am a teacher and am on a school schedule. Because I do not drink anymore, she said that she doesn't want me to be tired and leave her bachelorette party early(which will not happen). I explained that I do not drink right now because I am trying to get my body ready for conception. She replied by saying "thats weird". She also said that if I am not pregnant by the time her party comes around she is going to "make me drink". I feel very disrespected and am thinking about declining to stand in her wedding because she has upset me so much. Should I just get through the wedding events and stay quiet or should I discuss this with her?

Please help...

poseidon · Jul 24, 2007, 05:50 AM

Hi NewYorker,

Forgive me for saying so but some friend.

If she is truly your friend she would respect the fact that you no longer drink and wish you well with attempts to become pregnant.

If you become pregnant today it is unlikely that you will be feeling overtired so soon into it and you should be able to go to the party and have fun, irrespective of whether you drink or not. If you did feel tired and decided you needed to leave early again I feel a true friend would be happy to accept this.

Rather than being critical your 'friend' should respect you for your decision not to drink and congratulate you on your common sense.

As far as going to her party is concerned, I feel as it stands, it might not be too good an idea. Once the drink starts flowing, even though you will not be joining in with alcohol yourself, your friend could start getting more forceful and try to make you drink, if/when the drink starts taking effect.

This is likely to sour the friendship completely.

I think you should talk to her, tell how you feel and tell her that you respect her and you feel she should respect you and your decisions in return.

Although no one can tell how things will go, we can hope that she sees sense and realises your position and accepts and respects you and your decision not to drink.

If she will not accept your decision and still tries to coerce you into coming to the party and drinking, or if you cannot reach an understanding, the problem of whether to go to her party or attend her wedding may be solved there and then. For better or for worse.

You have the right to make your own decisions and she has an obligation to accept and respect them provided it does not affect her directly, which it does not.

A good friend will accept what you are doing and respect you for it.

I hope all turns out well with your friend and I hope you are soon successful in your bid to have a likkle baby.

Cy
(Poseidon)

shygrneyzs · Jul 24, 2007, 05:59 AM

Just because you are trying to conceive does not mean you will be successful either. I think your friends words are out of place. Even if you are pregnant in October, you can still be part of the wedding. I agree with you about the party - no need to drink and cause risk to the pregnancy. If your friend cannot respect that, then she is not a friend.

'I would not stand quiet on this - talk to her. Get this out in the air and then make your decision about standing in her wedding. If you cannot come to an agreement, then I would pull back and ask her to find a replacement. Honestly. Good luck in this decision and best of luck conceiving.

Emland · Jul 24, 2007, 06:14 AM

Your friend sounds like a very shallow, self-centered person. She actually asked you to wait to conceive until after her wedding? Is she going to arrange for the earth to stand still during her vows, too?

Would she also insist on you having a drink if you abstained for religious reasons or were a recovering alcoholic?

I wouldn't stay quiet, but as you might have already deduced, I have a very low tolerance for women that think everyone and everything exists to serve them.

danielnoahsmommy · Jul 24, 2007, 06:36 AM

She sounds very selfish to me and not a very good friend either. You should step down from her wedding party. And enjoy "trying" to get pregnant.

emmacelyn · Aug 1, 2007, 02:37 PM

She is not much of a friend if she can speak to you like that, if you and your husband a trying for a baby good look to u!I would went and c if you get pregnant and say I can't be a bridesmaid now.Other ways go through with the wedding keep stum and just cut awy from her afterwards... with friends like that who needs enemies

cromptondot · Aug 1, 2007, 02:46 PM

She should be happy for you insteading of trying to tear you down,she does sound self -centered and selfish. You may do well to step down, and concentrate on you. This is not something you do everyday,nor can you change the days when you want to. Enjoy getting pregnant.

SpawnOfAzazel · Aug 1, 2007, 03:41 PM

I would simply tell her that your choice to have children is your own business and that the world does not revolve around her wedding. In that case, she is showing no respect towards you now, and probably won't in the future. Friends don't do that to friends.
I would decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid on that alone, and leave the ever-growing Bridezilla in her own world. Either she will accept what you have to say or she won't, if she doesn't, you don't need friends like that anyway.

happylady123 · Aug 1, 2007, 08:02 PM

She sounds like a crappy friend. I would tell her to go shove her wedding. If she was a real friend she would be happy for you not worried if you will drink with her. I would end that friendship, plus being a bridesmaid is a lot of work and is expensive, it's worth being there for a friend but she's not. She sounds like she's a taker and not a giver. Right now you need to put yourself and your family 1st. Good luck hope all goes well and you guys get pregnant fast.

MsCrabtree · Aug 5, 2007, 05:34 AM

Actually I think she is just sounding selfish at the moment like some bride to bes get. Don't take her comments to heart. She had a poor way of communicating that she wants you there at every step of the way. Talk to her face to face, let her know you were offended. Im sure she will understand and if not being in the wedding is best, then so be it. You are the mature one here, she is still growing. Talk to her, not about her. Good luck. And good luck on the baby!

Fr_Chuck · Aug 5, 2007, 08:07 AM

I think you would be a lot better off without a friend like this. So I would step out of the wedding and tell her to find a drunk to make her happy

cromptondot · Aug 5, 2007, 02:28 PM

MsCrabtree has a good point,it may just be a momental thing.After you talk to her you may see whether she is truly selfish or not. She may not have realized just what she said. Give her the benefit of the doubt, each one of you are embarking on very lifechanging paths. And again,good luck getting pregnant.

s_cianci · Aug 5, 2007, 02:51 PM

Discus it with her before backing out of the wedding. If she won't acknowledge your feelings despite your efforts at communication, then bail out.

s_cianci · Aug 5, 2007, 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by Emland

I have a very low tolerance for women that think everyone and everything exists to serve them.

Yeah, me too. I feel for the poor guy who's about to marry this woman.

lacuran8626 · Aug 30, 2007, 02:38 PM

You are not expected to drink anything you don't want to drink in any social situation. Forcing drinks on people is really immature. Expecting friends to schedule their family planning around ones own social schedule is also pretty ridiculous. I would decline from participating in the wedding and let her know, "I really appreciate that you pointed out this is not a good time for me to be in a wedding party".