[turkey]

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 39, he had a previous marriage and 2 children. I want to get married and have kids and he says he's already done all that and does not want to do it again! We have been together for 6 yrs! What should I do?

[Pook_Myster]

You need to have a think about why he is saying what he is saying. If he has been married before, and it has now ended, then he has probably lost faith in the whole meaning of marriage... and I can understand that. Marriage is about ongoing commitment, perhaps he feels he failed in that commitment and therefore doesn't want to re-create that feeling of failure, perhaps he doesn't think he can make that commitment and doesn't want to let you down by doing so and then breaking it once again.

Why do you want to get married? What does it mean to you and what will it change about your relationship? I believe very strongly in marriage, especially when children are involved, but I feel equally as strong about divorce - so don't enter into a marriage for the wrong reasons, or for reasons that you don't fully understand.

[nauticalstar420]

It sounds to me like you are in a dead end relationship. You are still young and have marriage and kids to look forward to. Its not fair for you to not have all of that because HE doesn't want to. :)

[turkey]

You need to have a think about why he is saying what he is saying. If he has been married before, and it has now ended, then he has probably lost faith in the whole meaning of marriage....and I can understand that. Marriage is about ongoing commitment, perhaps he feels he failed in that commitment and therefore doesn't want to re-create that feeling of failure, perhaps he doesn't think he can make that commitment and doesn't want to let you down by doing so and then breaking it once again.

Why do you want to get married? What does it mean to you and what will it change about your relationship? I believe very strongly in marriage, especially when children are involved, but I feel equally as strong about divorce - so don't enter into a marriage for the wrong reasons, or for reasons that you don't fully understand.

She cheated on him the whole 15 yrs they were together and he stayed! She ended up leaving him and we are all still talking like friends!! he says he's too old for kids and that as far as marriage goes, it falls apart as soon as u get the paper signed!

[Pook_Myster]

Regardless of who was wrong in the relationship, it still failed in the end, and perhaps he took some of the blame on board - any right minded person would ask themselves 'WHY' their partner cheated, and when he answered it, he probably saw some fault in his behaviour too... so just because she cheated on him, doesn't mean he doesn't feel like a failure in the end.

He's had a bad experience that means he's carrying war wounds... he may never see marriage in any other light, and there may be nothing you can do about that... perhaps you need to ask yourself what you want with all of this in consideration.

Given this though, as you say, you all still talk like friends, so forgiveness is possible in him obviously, so that makes me question the hard view on marriage that he doesn't seem willing to shift.

[turkey]

Regardless of who was wrong in the relationship, it still failed in the end, and perhaps he took some of the blame on board - any right minded person would ask themselves 'WHY' their partner cheated, and when he answered it, he probably saw some fault in his behaviour too....so just because she cheated on him, doesn't mean he doesn't feel like a failure in the end.

He's had a bad experience that means he's carrying war wounds....he may never see marriage in any other light, and there may be nothing you can do about that.....perhaps you need to ask yourself what you want with all of this in consideration.

Given this though, as you say, you all still talk like friends, so forgiveness is possible in him obviously, so that makes me question the hard view on marriage that he doesn't seem willing to shift.

You are 100% right! He does feel it's mostly his fault and I understand that! But he says he does not want me to leave him(I told him I would because I want more out of a relationship) but he's not sure about how far he wants to go!

[Pook_Myster]

Well then maybe patience is the answer to your question. Think about all the turbulent things going around in your head right now... and though whatever is going on in his head is different, we can be fairly assured that he is still feeling the affects of turbulence as well... so he needs time to think, sort out what he wants, where he is going... and it's best that you provide him with as much stability that he needs in order to make the right decision for himself (and ultimately for you both). You can't pressure him into an answer, and by saying that you are leaving because you want more, I summise, is your way of pressuring him for an answer? Hey - I'm a girl too - I know how we think! Lol.

I would suggest that the best thing for you to do is back off, chillax, let him think and worry about outcomes when he is ready to make a decision.

[turkey]

I will take your advice and chill for awhile! I just want kids before I'm 30 (I'm 27 now) and time I awastin! Thanks for the advice! I need all I can get!

[Pook_Myster]

You're still young - 3 years is a long way away and kids after 30 isn't such a bad thing anyway! You aren't too old for kids even at 40 these days!

[turkey]

My mom had me at 41 and growing up was tough! She just didn't have the energy, I don't want to be like that! I was aleady pregnant by him but had an abortion from comlicatons about 5 yrs ago!