[Vinna]

Well I suppose I should get right to the point. I have been in a relationship for the last 2 and a half years with an amazing woman. Lately things have been a little hard on our relationship causing frequent arguments. I honestly thought we could work through things and we could make our relationship something that would last for a long long time, but tonight we split up and it hurts so damn bad. I really don't think there is any chance of a reconciliation... screw it, I am to lazy to erase everything I typed out and start over. What I want to know is why does it hurt so much and when does it stop? Is there anything I can do to make it stop. I can't sleep, I can't get my mind off her and what we wanted for our future together.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

It's going to hurt my dear. It's called heartbreak. Time will heal it. You must be strong. Do you want to get back together with her in the future? Or do you just want to call it quits with her and start your love life somewhere else?

[Vinna]

I would definatley want to get back together in the future, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards. We split amicably and I am trying hard to not to let it affect me as much as it is but it really hurts. I have been through bad relationship endings before, but nothing that hurt like this. Not erven a divorce I had 6 years ago. Maybe it's that I had such high hopes for us in our future. It hasn't been an easy relationship at all. There have been all sorts of problems. I'm 35, she's 26. I have 3 children from my previous marriage while she has 1 from a previous relationship. Then there are the typical money issues that seem to creep up all the time. Maybe it's too fresh yet, but I can't help to think that if we applied ourselves to the current problems we could work through them. Anyway. Thank you for your response. It's something I knew, but I guess I just needed to heasr from someone else.

[JoeCanada76]

If you do not mind me asking? What there a definite reason for the breakup?
What was the reasons given?

I also noticed the number of previous children and also an age difference which in many relationships can cause problems.

No relationship is easy, believe me. Mountains of ---- at times but then there are many times where the mountains are full of beautiful scenary.

It is a matter of not letting little issues add up until it becomes a volcano and many people hold things in until it is too much.

Communication is key, and if anybody stops communicating then there will be problems arising. Best of luck to you in your future.

Even though you would want to get back together in the future, do you think she feels the same or you just more of the guy that has been left to the dust by her?

Joe

[Vinna]

There are actually several reasons for the breakup, but what it boils down to mostly is that I was upset and probably pushing the relationship to grow faster than she was. She has a problem with intimacy and dosen't like to get close to people and is very independent due to some childhood trauma. I was likely pushing her to fast by asking to be included in more aspects of her life. The more I tried to get closer, the more she pushed me away and the more frustrated I got. Up until about 6 months ago I was included in almost every aspect of her life, but when she started feeling the need to be on her own more and do more things away from me outside of the relationship, I tried to hold on to tight I guess. The lines of comunication broke down and now this is what we have. I also believe that the little things as you put it, did start to add up to something bigger than they needed to be. I wasn't given any indication that she would be open to getting together in the future. She did say that I am her best friend and she needs me in her life and probably won't be able to go on without our friendship whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. All I really know for sure is that I never slept last night and the despair and pain were almost too much. I feel completely and totally rejected and that a huge part of me is dead now.

[Vinna]

Also another question I have is should I be making myself available to her by wishing her a good morning when I see her on MSN Messenger or should I try to be more aloof? I really value her opinions and friendship what should I do?

[JoeCanada76]

Wait and see if you get a response from her first.

If you feel that it is right for you to say something then do it, but normally after a breakup it is good to have NO CONTACT.

I say see if she writes to you first, if not then my opinion is do not say anything.

Joe

[Vinna]

Well, I actually told her good morning and wished her a good day over messenger this morning before I read your advice. Right now just that little bit of contact was nice. Throughout the day she has been contacting me off and on. Her last comunication was I hope you know I love you and I don't want anyone else. Nobody will ever replace you in my heart. Just what is that supposed to mean? It really confuses me when she says that but we are still apart.

[emopunk7]

You just broke up... Give it at least a week... Act busy but if she contacts you, become available but don't show your feelings before she does... This is when you have to be strong... She MUST miss you in order for you to win her back... Just stay busy and watch movies for the next week. Also, can you be more specific as to why you broke up into details?

[talaniman]

Take some time and see your mistakes, and give her plenty of space to do as she pleases. If your going to get back and still do the same smothering what's the point. Slow this train down, she shouldn't be your whole life but a part of it andyou have to let her do her thing and share in her life. I don't think its over, as long as you can STOP pushing. Keep it balanced and fun, and above all SLOW, very slow. Bet she is looking for actions on your part, not words, or empty promises.

[Vinna]

Thanks EMO and Talaniman. Believe me, I have been looking at the mistakes I have made and while I would certainly like a reconciliation, I am not going to hold my breath on that. She is looking inward herself right now also. Although she really flipped out when she found out that a former friend of hers with "loose morals" contacted me earlier this afternoon on Facebook. I realize they all of the advice I have been getting here is great and probably should be followed, but it's hard. Really hard when all I want to do is hear her voice and see her face. Thanks again for the advice guys.

[Vinna]

I appreciate everyone's help so far. I would also like to ask for a female perspective on this too if any lady out there has an opinion, please help me out.

[lmnotok]

Well, I was kind of an anti-intimacy before. I did like some persons but I never wanted to get too close to them. Those days were over. One man changed my whole belief about intimacy. You know what he did?? He relaxed himself, left me enough time and space BUT always care and show me love in his eyes. Sometimes we argued, I pushed him farrr away, he went away, left me alone and came back acted like nothing ever happened. I felt weird at 1st and uncomfortable but that's what makes me curious and miss him more, by and by intimacy came whenever I didn't even recognize.

So maybe, you should learn from him?

[Vinna]

Thank you Imnotok. Your answer is very good. I tried to do as your friend did, but when I stepped away, I think I wanted too much recognition when she came back. And then I tried to hard to move ahead with the relationship instead of just letting things run their natural course. Thank you very much. I learned a valuable lesson from your response.

[Vinna]

Since I have gotten some really good advice here I thought I would lay the whole story out there and see what kind of opinions I get from you people. First off. I live in a very small rural community with a population of approx 1700. I have lived here most of my life except a few years where I was pursuing an education and when I first started working. As you may imagine, in a commnity this size, everyone knows everyone else. In some ways this is good and in others it's bad. Everybody knows your name, but your name gets it's run on the gossip list every so often as well lol. Another drawback to a small community is that options for romance are somewhat less than in a bigger center. I had known this particular girl for quite awhile even though she was 9 years younger than me. I had known her mostly because she had been dating a friend of mine for a few months. He was quite taken by her but she really didn't feel the same about him. They broke up after a few months and she started showing an interest in me. I resisted at first because her ex was a very good friend and he really had feelings for her. I resisted for almost a year before giving in. After all, I really liked her as well. We dated for several months on the sly without telling anyone about what we were doing. I felt very guilty about this because I knew her ex would be upset when he found out and I didn't think we were showing him much respect by hiding our relationship from him. She kept saying that what we did was " nobody's buisness but ours" and that they had been split up for over a year and what she did was none of his concern at all. Well, as I'm sure you know, when knowledge of my relationship with... let's call her Jan... came to light, he was very hurt and hasn't hardly spoken to either of us since. I don't blame him. I should have told him, but didn't want to anger Jan.

Since our relationship was now public knowledge, we didn't have to sneak around anymore. This openend up a ton of new opportunities for us. We could actually go and do things as a couple instead of being worried that we were going to get caught together. It was much better. There were good times and bad. Jan has a major problem with intimacy that we had to work through. She had been sexualy abused by her step brother from the age of 9 to the age of 16. This was very hard to work through, but we did it. Or at least I think we did it. It a lot of very hard work to get to the point where we were comfortable with each other. I never pushed her to have sexual relations until she was comfortable with the idea. We were almost a year into the relationship before we started sleeping with each other even though we were both sexually active in previous relationships. Once we became physically intimate, the flood gates opened. I have had several physical relationships in the past, but never one where I was so much in tune with what Jan wanted. It seemed as though sexually we were a perfect match. The more we explored each other, the more we found we were on the Same pge sexually. It was wonderful. It still is.

I have been married before and she was engaged to be at one time. I have 3 children from my previous marriage and she has one from her previous relationship. As you can immagine, intergrating everyone together was very difficult. Things were going so well for us that we decided to try living together. We thought that we could all live together as one happy family. BIG MISTAKE. As I look back, I think that this was the beginning of the end for us. Jan and he's son moved into my house with myself and my daughter. My sons live with their mother, but my daughter lives with me. When Jan and her son moved in, I let them kind of take over so they would be comfortable. I let Jan pick out new colors for some of the rooms and let her son have his choice of whichever bedroom he wanted. I thought things were going well, but never realized that Jan was uncomfortable there because this was MY house. I had been married and had an entire life before her there. Her son was uncomfortable because he felt that this wasn't his home. My kids had always been there and he didn't always feel like they wanted him around. I was oblivious to this. I was happy that I had Jan living with me, my daughter and Jan's son were here and I also had my own boys on the weekends. I was happy and I got complacent. I stopped trying as hard with our relationship and didn't even notice that Jan and her son were unhappy. I figured that they would just get used to things and grow to accept the way things were. We started growing apart while living together. Shortly after Christmas, Jan told me she thought we had made a mistake moving in together and that she would be moving back to her own house. I flipped... I was hurt and upset that she didn't want to try and make things work out and pretty much said that she quit on our relationship. This was really dificult for me to understand, but after a few days I accepted the fact that I couldn't change it and let her go. For awhile, things seemed to get back on track a bit. We spent time together but more and more frequently she needed time with her friends away from me. She would tell me she was going to go with whoever to see a movie or whatever. I was kind of hurt that she didn't want to include me, but whatever. Lol I KNOW for a fact that she NEVER cheated on me so please don't get that idea. I just was hurt because I wanted to spend time with her and she needed something else. When she would do these things I apparently had a way of making her feelguilty about not spending time with me and not working on our relationship. This often led to problems and arguments. The latest in a long line of similar arguments happened last weekend. We were going to spend some time together with another couple at a lake close by where we live. The plan was that she was going to go to this lake with the couple while I was going to go get my boys and meet them out there later for some fishing and r&r. Well, they left, I went to get my kids, but my car broke down before I even left town. I ended up having to borrow my mothers car to go get my boys. Instead of going out to the lake after, In had to bring my mothers van back to her. The next day I spent most of the day working on my vehicle getting it running. I finally got it going at about 4:00pm . It was getting late so I figured that I would just make supper and then take my boys to a movie. This was the plan anyway. Everyone was going to come in from the lake and go to the movie. I figured we could just meet up there. Well, I went to movie with my boys, but nobody else showed up. I found out after the movie that they all decided to stay a couple extra hours at the lake because the fish were biting. I was already unhappy because the weekend I had been looking forward to was screwed already and If they were staying at the lake longer, I would have liked to have gone. There is no cellular coverage at the lake, but there is a public phone out there so I figured she could have called me. Anyway, we ended up having a big argument and when the evening was over we weren't speaking. We actually decided to give each other a few days to calm down. When we started speaking , she told me she wanted to break up. She claimed that she had been feeling depressed lately and was very unhappy. She claimed that she would like to take some time to work on herself and perhaps work towards a future reconcilliation. Okay... fine. Not what I wanted, but at least she doesn't hate me... the very next day, her former friend, a girl who is a little loose moaraly posted on my Facebook page... " I don't know whats going on, but you can call me anytimer you need someone to talk too". Jan SNAPPED On my Facebook wall she wrote the following" It didn't even take 24 hours for the vulture to start circling the fresh meat". I got in contact with Jan and assured her that I was not interested in starting something with her former friend who happens to be married as well. I told her that she was the one I wanted and that was all there was to it. We spoke for awhile. We even entertained the thought of being friends with benefits, but nothing has become of that other than me being slightly confused. Recently she started making cryptic statements on Facebook and MSN messenger about how she was going ato leave Facebook so she could concentrate on herself and how she was so sad that things turned out the way they did. The biggest one that worried me was this " Does it make you an alcoholic if you drink alone? Well hello pina colada...where have you been hiding?" Jan doesn't drink. She hadn't had a drink in over 2 years. Obviously this scared me a little, but I have not been talking to her since the night I assured her that I don't want her loose former friend. Am I right to be not contacting her? Should I have hope for a reconcilliation? What else can I do? Her statement at the time of this post is " You were everything I ever wanted" we were meant to be,supposed to be, but we lost it" I am confused and hurt... What the heck do I do now?

[Vinna]

I know it's a novel, but I really want some input and help. I'm sure you probably know why if you read my previous posts.

[jojo114]

I know what your going through its really hard leting go of someone you've known for a long time. But time does heal everything and you will for sure feel better in some time. Go out and have some fun for sure theirs a girl waiting out there for you and maybe its not over sometimes people just need a break don't worry too much if all the things you guys had was real trust me she will come back.and at night I know what it feels like just think that you will find better and if she really loves you she will come back. Time heals. Know from experience.

[Vinna]

Anyone? Please? Lol

[BigCityDreams007]

I think you just need to move on. I don't think she knows what she wants and you really can't be in a relationship with someone who's that confused. I wish you the best!

[Vinna]

You are probably right, but it's hard to let go of that much history and all the good times. It's hard when you know there should be mor good times also.