[freaked out]

I have been married 3 years but with him for about 8years and I am so confused how does a person know what to do with mixed up feeling and I feel strong and everything, anyway we have been through so much stuff and I am only 23 years old when we were 1st together I chaeted on hime while he was in the military and he was away for 4 years and he did too he still says to this day he has not but I do nt believe him... anyway now we have 2 babies and he is out of the military and we are still having trust issues and he does not trust me and I do trust him but I think it is because I do not care that much he has been so mean to me really really verbally abusive and a little physical abusive in the past and I have actually been physical as well not enough to hurt him but I know it is not right for either one of us but anyway he is trying ot be better it has been 2 weeks and he has been really nice but I do not know how long that will last and I have cheated on him again recently and I really like this guy that I have been with a couple times I think about him a lot he treats me good but I d not know if it is because I really like him and it could be something great or if it just I want to feel wanted and I am tired of my husband I need help I fell really strong about this guy but I also love my husband and I think too much has happened between and he will never trust me and I guess that is trur because I cheated on him again what the F^%*& should I do?.

[Josh777]

1 take a breather
2 obviously your marrige(sp?) has problems. You should first try to fix them. If you can't I would consider divorce
3 if you like the guy and feel that he is worth more than your husband then again divorce

I'm a brutally honest person

[Matt3046]

Run, far, far, away, you are so young, keep running!

[Illusion]

You are so young and already have 2 babies and a marriage. You have grown up really fast and have a lot of responsibilities. No wonder you have cheated on your husband - you probably feel you need a way out. This situation is not about the cheating, it is about unhappiness.

Because of your children, I would ask that you and your husband go to counseling to try and save your marriage. Now you can no longer just think of yourself, you need to consider what is best for your children and their future. You must try and find some way to gain the happiness you need if you plan to stay with your husband. When you married, you made a commitment to be faithful to each other. No doubt, your husband is unhappy as well if he is verbally abusive to you. And at no time is physical violence an answer.

If your husband does not go to counseling with you then I would suggest that you go by yourself. You need more support than can be offered here.

[fix-what-you-broke]

I think its time to stop and think of your life,future,what is best for you and the kids in the long run.
This marriage doesn't sound healthy at all, if one person cheats, then the other partner cheats to get back at the person,then you cheat again your priorities are obviously with yourselves and not the wellbeing of the marriage.
Take time out and both be alone for a while,see where it goes from there.

[freaked out]

I am so confused we fight all the time just fought this morning again about something so stupid he smokes weed and I am trying to get him to stop and every time he does not have any and he is not high is had one of his mood swings and blows up for no reason and I am sooooo tired of dealing with it he is driving me crazy... sometimes I feel like I want to be with him but for most of the time I do not want to be near him at all IS THIS JUST A FAZE AND IT WILL GO AWAY?? I felt like this for a while now and I do not know what to do he also a couple months ago tried to hook up with some girls one of them was even his brothers girl... I am so stressed out and so lost?? And I can not stop thinking about this guy that I really like...

[Mom of 2]

Okay, there is a lot going on here. I am the type of person that will fight and will tell others to fight for something that is worth fighting over. Go for counseling if you still have feelings. After that, determine if there is still hope. If not, move on.

Here are my thoughts to ponder:
1. You fight all of the time. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that?

2. You still have some feelings for him. This is natural, as at one time the two of you loved each other. I think you are thinking ofwhat could have been/should have been and this contradicts with what is reality. You are probably telling yourself that this is NOT what I signed up for.

3. In your first post, you stated that you cheated on him and he cheated on you, even though you don't believe his denials. What may be happening is that you are using projection; if you are guilting of something, you state that the other person is guilty of the same thing in order to rationalize (i.e. "I cheated therefore he must have cheated too"). He may have cheated, but you don't have actual proof. My real life example: My ex, who was still my husband at this time, was accusing me of having an affair because I started to wear make up and earrings again. I was a stay at home mom who just got a new job, hence the reason. I was stumped why he would accuse me of this. When would I have the time? I talked about this in therapy and my therapist said that he was probably projecting his own guilt onto me. One day, I defended him to my therapist, saying that he was too busy to have an affair, and she said that I was projecting onto him the reasons that I was not having an affair. Then I found proof that he was having an affair. See, you can project both good and bad things. Projecting good things onto an untrustworthy person is also known as being naïve and too trusting. Projecting bad things onto an innocent person is called being guilty.

4. Once boundaries are crossed and broken, it takes a lot of work in order to mend them and to make things work again. Do you really think that this is possible? Do you really want to make it work? Continuing with what you have been doing is not working. You need to decide what your next steps are and then take it from there. Sh*t or get off the pot. Do you want to be with this new guy, or is he just a bandaid for the moment?

You have a lot of questions to ask and answer yourself. Until you do that, you will continue to be miserable.

Hope this helps!!

[freaked out]

Well over this weekend a lot has happened he does not want to work I am working all the time trying to pay our bills and he is not helping me at all and on Thursday he did not go to work because he said he wanted to chill with me and instead he left right when I got home to go to his brothers and smoke weed all night and I got mad at him for that and he left on Thursday and has not been back since has not even called or anything I am so tired of his attitude and he thinks he can just leave every time he gets a little upset and I really need him to start helping me out I am having a hard time raising this family ny my slef I would rather do it on my own then have to deal with his crap

[Mom of 2]

And just know that you CAN do it on your own. It may not be easy, but then again, living with him and dealing with his stuff is not easy either. Is this guy's name on the lease (if you rent) or on the house (if you own?). If not, then have the locks changed so that he cannot waltz right back in. If/when he finds out that you have done this and he gets belligerent, then go to the police and file an order of protection so that he cannot hurt you or your child. Make sure that you are ready to take the next step and that you are truly ready to move on. Saying it is one thing. Actually doing something about it is another.

[freaked out]

I have really thought about everything and about what you guys have told me and I finally made up my mind Hopefully this time it will work he is still gone and still acting like him and now a week later he is begging me to take him back and I keep telling him no I can not do this stuff anymore this is really really hard harder then I thought but I hope I will be strong enough to go all the way with this me and my kids are so much happier thanks you

[Mom of 2]

Good luck to you. Always know that you can find support through friends and family, as well as from this site. We may not be experts, but we have gone through similar circumstances.

[freaked out]

OK so I have another problem I got back with him again... he is being really sweet and everything but I am still flirting and talking to this other guy at work what do I do what is my problem I can not stop I like the attention and I can get brave enough to tell this guy to leave me alone I guess I am scared to tell him to leave me alone because as soon as I do that me and my husband will leave each other and I will be alone what do I do??

[Mom of 2]

My suggestion would be to go to therapy and talk to a professional. On the surface, I think you have a fear of being alone. You need to find out why, otherwise you will never be happy. You need to find comfort within yourself, be comfortable being alone with yourself and not be "co-dependant" by always needing someone to fill a void in your life. I am not saying that you are all to blame for this, but a lot of the reasons that we choose to do things (remember, no one can make us do things -- we ultimately make choices) may stem from your experiences as a child, in adolescence, etc. Did your parents divorce? Did one of them have an affair? Did one of them pass away when you were young? Did you have a relationship that was physically, verbally or emotionally abusive (either with a parent or a romantic one)? If a husband/wife/significant other does something that reminds the other person of a bad/sad situation, this triggers one to react. It is the choice of this person on how they will react. Remember, feelings are not good or bad. It is how we react to the feelings that makes the situation good or bad. Do we react with anger and retaliation? With fear? With a solution based attitude? You need to find the root as to why you choose to do the things that you do. Once you identify the why, then you can determine your next steps.

Bottom line is this, you canot have your cake and eat it too. You are married and if you want to work on your marriage, then you have to stop whatever relationship that you have with this other man, other than a platonic working relationship. If you feel that your marriage is not worth saving, then you have other decisions to make. However, whatever choice that you make, you need to follow through with it to completion and make the best of it. No one said that life was fair or easy. In my way of thinking, there is NEVER a good reason to have an affair. Let the other person go before you start a relationship with someone else. Think of how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you were the one who was doing the begging in the relationship, thinking that you are on the road to reconciliation, while the other person has no intention of this.

Sorry to be so wordy, but these are my thoughts.

[Bullistic1]

First stop cheating. I imagine there are trust issues. If he is not what you want then end it, be satisfied with what you have. There are a lot of people that would kill for what you have. Is it bad or just not enough? Do you want to swim and keep one hand on the ladder for security. You need to let go and sink or swim. My parents would say crap or get off the pot. And you are setting an example for your children every second.

[Mom of 2]

Yes, absolutely stop cheating. There is NEVER an excuse for this.

[freaked out]

I have been in this relationship for about 8 years I am 23 years old and we have been married for about 3 years of that and we have been through more then I think I will in a life time so many problems we have both cheated he is very very verbally abusive more then anything else he has been physically abusive I have tried to be physical abusive but I just get hurt more so it is clearly not a healthy relationship at all I keep trying because we have 2 babies a 1 yr old and a 2yr old and I think I love him but all we do is fight and I just recently cheated on him again... and I do not know why, I truly believe in my heqrt and in my mind that I love him but I cheated on him again and I do not know why and even after all that I still want to be with him and when we break up we always end up back together because I feel so sad and alone without him we always end up back together I need help on how to get over this I always think about being with someone else I do not know what to do if I should stay just for the kids so out family will work or if I should leave since I can not be faithfull anyway and on top of all that he is a a**Hole and has chaeted on me too and smokes weed all day can not keep a job got kicked out of the military for smoking weed and is just not a very good man... please help me I need a lot of advice and help

[Pook_Myster]

Wow... the title of this post was 'What is real love?'

I can tell you frankly - it isn't this. From your question I detect a whole lot of anger and unresolved issues that exist between the two of you.

Firstly - Love is the want to make your partners life bliss, it is thoughtfulness, understanding, respect, admoration, gratitude... and real love is when these things are returned to you - and this happens because you have a mutual want to make each others lives great, and you see how wonderful the other person is and it makes you want to hug them when they walk in the door from work and you smile when their car pulls up, and when they get home first they race you to the kitchen to cook dinner because doing something nice for you is important to them, and vice-versa.

Real love doesn't experience detest for each other. Your post changed from you saying you loved him and missed him and needed him when you weren't together, to calling him an a** hole and saying he isn't a very good man? And a couple who are happily in love don't feel the need for anyone else to satisfy them, so if you are cheating on each other I don't understand how you could think that was a part of being in love?

Being in love of course isn't always idialistic either. Any two people who live so closely together are bound to experience frustration, anger, they will argue and disagree at times, but the strength of your relationship is measured (I feel) by your ability to manage these times without hurting each other personally. I don't feel that it is our rite as an individual to inflict hurt on others, especially not on those that we are supposed to 'love'. If this is what is happening in your relationship then that isn't right. We live once (for all we know) and it is important firstly for you to be happy, and also for you to want to make your partners life happy - You're meant to make each other happy!

It sounds like you have some sorting out to do. You have to be prepared to have a good hard look at yourself and not blame others for your behaviours. You can't justify your cheating by saying that your partner is aweful - because you have control of your own actions - including whether you stay or go. You might just find that some open communication will show you that your partner might also like to work through some things?