[Stephanie B]

Hi, I live in England. I have separated from my husband of 20 years and am divorcing him for adultery. He has visited our two daughters for half an hour each week (he works in the town we live, but lives with his new woman 70 miles away).

He now states he wants to have our daughters staying over at his house (which is his new woman's home). I don't deny him access whatsoever, he could take them out alone, but I don't like the thought of our daughters with the woman who split the family up. Our youngest daughter is 7 and she doesn't know that her dad has left for another woman as I've tried to shield her from the nasty bits. Our 14 year old does know and doesn't agree with what her dad has done.

Has anyone been through this (not sure if the laws are different between USA and Britain?) I haven't denied HIM access, but can I deny HER access?

Our daughters don't want to stay over, but would if their dad lived alone - or saw them on his own. They have not expressed this to their dad yet, as it's the early stages, he is now seeking solicitors/courts as he states that he wants his new woman to see the girls too... I am also seeing my solicitor this week, but in the meantime wondered if anyone else had been through this and how it all worked out?

Thanks for any advice.

[George_1950]

Welcome to AMHD. Your grounds for divorce are adultery? Have you proved this, yet? The details of your separation and his conduct may influence the judge. It really will come down to the judge's view of your case; there was a time when noncustodial parents could not have overnight visitation while 'shacking up' with a lover. Just remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

[Fr_Chuck]

In the US, you can deny her to come into your home, but if he is going to have the kids with him over night of course he can have his girlfriend there. In fact if the visitation was court ordered, you would be in trouble for not allowing it. So you may not like it, it may not be moral, but yes, he will get the kids to be with him and she can be there if he wants her. **** as long as she is not a danger to the kids, *criminal record, drug user and so on.

[froggy7]

And be prepared for what's going to happen after the divorce, when he may very well wind up marrying her. In which case there is no legal reason for you to demand that she not be there when the kids are. And, if they stay married, she will be helping to parent your 7-year-old for a long time. So think of how you want this to play out for the next 11 years.

[cdad]

In the US, you can deny her to come into your home, but if he is going to have the kids with him over night of course he can have his girlfriend there. In fact if the visitation was court ordered, you would be in trouble for not allowing it. So you may not like it, it may not be moral, but yes, he will get the kids to be with him and she can be there if he wants her. **** as long as she is not a danger to the kids, *criminal record, drug user and so on.

Actually you can lay out codes of conduct in a decree when you go through custody. I know because I had them put into mine to protect my children and the courts never blinked at issuing them. Orders of conduct aren't uncommon but you also have to allow the other person to have a life and also not put new things in that weren't there before the relationship.

Example: If you were both christians and trying to raise your children that way then you could put no overnights with the GF / BF when the kids are in your care. That way you continue to keep a standard and if you choose to marry again then overnights are allowed.
That in no way doesn't allow for the children to meet the respective partners but it holds a line on the conduct.

[Stephanie B]

Welcome to AMHD. Your grounds for divorce are adultery? Have you proved this, yet? The details of your separation and his conduct may influence the judge. It really will come down to the judge's view of your case; there was a time when noncustodial parents could not have overnight visitation while 'shacking up' with a lover. Just remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Thanks George, yes he has admitted adultery and is living with her too.

[Stephanie B]

And be prepared for what's going to happen after the divorce, when he may very well wind up marrying her. In which case there is no legal reason for you to demand that she not be there when the kids are. And, if they stay married, she will be helping to parent your 7-year-old for a long time. So think of how you want this to play out for the next 11 years.

I agree, if they were married I wouldn't have any choice, things would be different. Good points about the future. I have suggested that I meet with this other woman, as we have never met, so to me and the children she is a stranger, but my husband refuses to allow us to meet (probably because he's told her a lot of lies).

[Stephanie B]

In the US, you can deny her to come into your home, but if he is going to have the kids with him over night of course he can have his girlfriend there. In fact if the visitation was court ordered, you would be in trouble for not allowing it. So you may not like it, it may not be moral, but yes, he will get the kids to be with him and she can be there if he wants her. **** as long as she is not a danger to the kids, *criminal record, drug user and so on.

Thanks for that, I know that I don't want it to happen as she is the reason our marriage split up, hence my negative feelings about involving this woman with my daughters. I can't stop them for any reason as she has no criminal record etc etc, in fact she's a teacher!

I just feel aggrieved that their dad hasn't bothered to take them out or see them for longer than half an hour each WEEK alone, but now he wants to have them staying over with HER. Maybe he should start taking them out alone (without his girlfriend) and then meeting her for a while BEFORE demanding they stay over night.