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Hi. I am very new to this forum and really need to let my emotions out somewhere. I have been married for 4 years and we have 6 children, 2 common together. All of our children have exceptionally special needs including the baby who's 2 with spastic quadraparesis cerebral palsy. It is very hard and extremely difficult for me to deal with all the problems occurring in the children's lives. The problem is my husband the selfish bastard that he is, treats my children differently than his own. I have tried consulting with him on several occasions and have tried to work things out numerous times, but I'm completely at my wits end. We have tried counseling, but everything goes in my spouses ear and right out the other. I am sobbing as I'm writing. He doesn't help me do anything he's supposed to and I am so sick of it. Every time I've come close to leaving him he begs me not to and says he will change his ways, but it never happens. We constantly fight all the time and now the children and fighting with each other all the time and it just is not at all healthy. I feel like I'm in this marriage together. I don't even know why I got married. Just to please my father. I was in love with another man from previous relationship but knew my husband for many years before we became intimately involved. I love him but I am not in love with him anymore. The children's ages are 12,11,9,5,3,2. I hate for them to see us fight all the time.I'm afraid if I leave him it will crush his children. My kids don't like him very much because they say he's always making me unhappy. I'm just ready to give up. Help anyone.:( :( :(

[educatedhorse_2005]

This sounds like it will be a tuff decision.
First things first your happiness and your kids happiness has to come first.
From the sounds of it he wanted a maid not a wife.
You should never marry to make other people happy. It should be for love and your happiness.
If he is not willing to help out with the house work and the kids then he is fulfiling his part of the relationship.
If it was me I would leave for a day. Let him see how it will be without you. Maybe that will help him change his ways.
If it doesn't I would be gone.

[Krs]

Hi Yvonne,

Im sorry to read such a story!

I agree with what Demonspeeding said.
What you have to consider now, is yourself first and your children. Not him!

You stated that when you threaten him that you will leave he promised he would change. Now how many times has this incident happened?
Learn from your mistakes and if this happened more than twice - 3 times, than my sincere advice to you, is to leave.

I know you must be thinking how would I cope with all of this and your children's special needs BUT think you have been married to a selfish bastard and managed to do this ALL on your own, so you know with or without him you can cope!

You are not happy and your kids are not happy!
Your kids don't like him because they see that he makes you unhappy, so even if it may crush your kids they will learn that their mummy is a happier woman now :)

I do wish the bestest of luck.
Please keep us posted we are always here to help you.
Xx

[fredg]

Hi,
Your children deserve much, much more. I am 64 yrs old.
My first marriage, after 7 yrs, with 2 small boys, ended in Divorce. I see now that it was the best thing that ever happened for the children (and for me, too!)
We were arguing all the time, and the boys were picking up on words, and saying them (in the same ways) to others, as we were saying to each other. Their attitudes were changing from "very happy kids" to negative ways of acting and talking. It was the best thing that ever happened to them, with us separating.
After three yrs, I re-married to a wonderful woman (who also was divorced with a 5 yr old daughter). That was 29 yrs ago, and still married now. My ste-daughter treats me as her "dad", and now have a son-in-law and 9 yr old grandson.
All the above is just to point out that your marriage is NOT good for the children; none of them. It will change their attitudes towards many things, for the worse.
Since you have already seen a Counselor, together, and your husband is in complete "denial", I hate to say it, but I would talk with a Lawyer. Ask about the cost, tell him/her everything, and get some Professional opinions on how to proceed for Separation.
It's up to you, and of course, your decision. But, I think you have already answered your question, about what to do. Since your husband isn't willing to "follow through" with what he says, it will only get worse; with him and the children's attitudes... been there, done that!
I do wish you the very best, and good luck.

[Krs]

RickJ another one!
Im subscribed too but not appearing on my profile!
Sorry for being a pain :(

[valinors_sorrow]

Welcome. It is wise that you asked for some thoughts when you feel you have run out of any good ideas yourself.

Although I don't have children of my own, I can certainly appreciate challenging circumstances concerning step kids and blended families - having married a divorced man who has two children.

I would suggest taking a deep breath and a step back first.

I have two suggestions.

On paper write out all the pros and cons of the marriage. List the preferential treatment of his own kids on the con side, for sure. This will help you put this problem back into context. Unsolved problems tend to grow in our viewpoint and eclipse other good things too much sometimes. You need to have a "bigger picture" perspective on this. When you are done, if you have concluded this is a marriage worth keeping (albeit with one problem that is growing) then continue to this next part. If not, then that is the problem that needs to be addressed.

On another piece of paper, list four "good" reasons your husband has favored his kids. This will help you see it (nevermind right or wrong for a moment here, okay?) from his persepctive. Really give this your all even though its difficult, please.

Now when you have all four, next to each one write a concrete suggestion on how he could overcome that particular item, and I am talking here practical down to earth ideas.

This paper can then be the basis of your next conversation with him about this problem. It puts you back on his side, showing how you understand what he is doing. And it allows him to accept your specific help, not your condemnation in solving it too. If the conversation veers off into the usual unproductive stuff (a well worn path I bet so don't be surprised if either of you do this) pull it back on path using the paper. If he doesn't like some of your suggestions ask him what he would offer instead as solution. This isn't so much about you solving his problem as it is about getting the both of you thinking and talking TOGETHER about solutions.

I know you must be a capable person to do all that you do. Its definitely not fun being overwelmed so I hope this helps you find your way back to that capability.

Thanks for posting.