[moorgus]

Greetings, all. Firstly, thank you for taking a moment to read my post. Any and all suggestions or advice are well received and welcome.

The short summation of my issue is that my girlfriend has absolutely zero desire whatsoever in having sex or any type of intimate physical interaction and it is bothering me to the point of wondering whether I can continue this relationship.

Let me provide some additional context. I apologize if this is too much information, I just wanted to err on the side of more than less so folks reading can have all of the facts.

I recently turned 36 and my girlfriend is 37, soon to be 38. We have been dating for about 14 months at this point. In the beginning of the relationship (the first month), we had sex a decent amount of times and she seemed very “into” having sex. However, as time went on (say about months four onwards), we just stopped having sex. There was no big change or event, it just sort of happened. She would start to make excuses, mostly along the lines of she did not feel like it, her stomach hurt, she was PMSing, etc. It became evident that she had no interest in having sex with me whatsoever. We had the whole “do you not find me attractive” discussion and she assured me that she did. I finally got up the nerve to bring the issue up and she skirted around it, clearly not wanting to talk about it. After a bit, I started looking at her medicines and researching online to see if any of them may be to blame. Then we talked and she told me that the medicines may be to blame, but she still didn’t really want to talk about it or deal with it. It has always bothered me how it means so much to me and doesn’t seem to mean much to her. She was taking Aldactone for skin problems along with Yasmin for birth control. She went to her dermatologist and told them of the issue and they said it may be the Aldactone which had hormones or something in it. So, she stopped taking the Aldactone, or hardly ever took it and was just on Yasmin. This went on for about four months and no change at all in sex drive. She went back to the doctor at my urging and reported this and they switched her to Yaz and she started back on the Aldactone. This was about three months ago. No change whatsoever in her sex drive. She had one “wet dream” a few weeks back and honest to God, that is the only sign of sexual interest from her. We hug and give pecks on the lips, that is absolutely it. She does not like any type of kiss more than a peck, she does not like to be caressed in any way that may resemble a sexual manner and she will never, ever initiate any type of intimate contact with me. In the last year, I believe we have had sex about seven or eight times and every one of those was because I begged and pleaded and told her how I was hurting and we ended up scheduling sexual intercourse. Obviously, I was happy to get it, but it sort of takes the fun out of it when it is scheduled and she pretty much just lays there and takes it. During the act, she seemed mildly into it, but just very “lazy” about it for lack of a better term, meaning, if I was doing something, it’s good, but she made no effort and seemed glad when it was done. We even went one stretch of four months with no sex whatsoever. It was unbearable.

I feel I am getting near my breaking point with this issue and don’t see how I can go on forever with her like this. I love her to death otherwise and we have a great relationship. Lots in common, common values and interests and things of that nature. We’ve talked about moving in down the road and marriage a ways down the road (at least a year and a half), but this issue is killing me. There’s another issue of her being an incredibly light sleeper and not being able to sleep in the same bed as me due to snoring that sort of compounds this issue, but the sex drive issue is one I would love to fix.

Not sure what else I can tell you about the situation. I do not harass her about it every day, but once a week or so I indicate a desire or a displeasure at the situation, so she is well aware of it. I am not sure if it is the birth control, the skin medicine, her age, her background, her lack of desire for me or what, but this is killing me. Her doctor even said as a last resort that she could use some testosterone cream on her private parts, so maybe that’s an option.

Any advice would be appreciated. Do I just get out now or should I try something or should I just accept it and deal with it, which I am not sure I can?

Craig

[Xrayman]

I think thinking about marriage is a big mistake, sex is a big part of "Life" and marriage-she is and you are incompatible sexxually-perhaps she has some psychological issues, but either way it needs greater discussion.

[ConfusedInAK]

I think something else must be going here...

Did you know there are different ways people "feel" love? There are people who need touch... people who feel love through the actions of their partner (non-sexual actions mind you), People that feel love through receiving gifts... etc... If I remember the name of the book I will post it here.

But my guess is that she may be having issues with some part of your relationship... and probably doesn't even notice how long it is between your dances between the sheets.

I know I don't notice and 3 months or more can go by before I even think about sex, because my boyfriend will bug me about it. (as I've stated before... I am working on this because we talked about it and he made me aware there was a problem)

And as a side note... though pleasurable... I don't think sex should be such a huge part of a relationship. I think there is too much emphasis put on it. Fix the other problems first and the sex will probably come back.

[ConfusedInAK]

**a disclaimer... I am not a Christian so I am not pushing beliefs on you're here... but this book talks about the Five Love Languages... **

The Five Love Languages

And

Love Languages Test

[moorgus]

Thanks for the responses. From what she tells me, and we talk openly, there are no other issues here. She tells me I mean everything to her and we are very, very happy outside of this one issue. I treat her like a queen, as well, and she acknowledges that. I rub her feet when she's had a hard day, make her little travel packages when she has to drive home to New York, take care of her cat, buy her unsolicited gifts, send her flowers, listen to her day, every day. I've seen lots of other posters saying that you need to take care of other needs and quick worrying about sex and that answer is frustrating. I do, I treat her as well as anyone could be treated and she will agree.

And to the point above, there is more than sex, but without sex, a relationship is lacking. If you've never been in this position, it's not easy to understand. The constant feeling of rejection or lack of physical closeness wears on your soul after awhile. Honestly, you can't understand unless you've been there. It's not about "sex" and only sex. There is much more to sex than just the act, itself.

[ConfusedInAK]

Oh I am in that position, if you note what was said above... I am the one without the sex drive... I feel hounded by my boyfriend at times and the more he hounds me the more irritated I get with him.

I would rather get a text message that says I love you than his typical Let's get it on...
I would rather him help me around the house and relieve some stress than at me because I don't want to bang him every night (yeah I know that was adolescent)

Truth be told I NEVER think about sex. And he had to get pissed off at me for me to take it serious. It just means nothing to me... and I personally don't understand why it's a big deal...

Quite honestly it feels like one more chore I have to do... and it's not for a lack of loving him.

Maybe the things you do for her aren't the things she needs to feel loved... that's what I was trying to say...

He could buy me the moon and it wouldn't make me horny...

[moorgus]

No offense, but if you feel like sex is one more chore, I think there's something wrong with you versus something wrong with him (or me, in my case, as far as your comment around me not doing the right things). I don't think you can relate to this side of the equation. Thanks for your comments, though.

[ConfusedInAK]

I don't see how you can say that... I am in the position of not having the desire at all.

How do you think it feels to have the man in the relationship complaining about not getting it?

I don't know if you just want someone to say you're right... she has an issue and that's it... It sounds like you don't want to consider that there may be things lacking... things you do not realize.

Just thought I'd try to help you find the actual issue that is leading to her lack of libido.

Don't worry... I won't post anymore. Good luck ;)

[moorgus]

Not telling you not to post, I am just telling you that I am pretty confident there is no underlying issue as far as her needing something I am not giving her. Every comment she makes is the exact opposite of that. I've seen that reply on countless boards and it seems to be a convenient reply, almost always by women who seem to think that the men who post such messages are pigs and always want sex but do not do their part. Trust me, I do my part and she is fulfilled in every way by me, she tells me that all the time.

My comment was that I do not think it is normal for someone to have no sex drive whatsoever. I think that is highly abnormal and it sounds like you were saying that your guy should just accept that and nothing was wrong. If I was him (sort of, I am), I would be livid. Thanks again for the comments.

[ConfusedInAK]

I think you misread MUCH of what I said...

To paraphrase: I didn't know there was a problem until HE brought it up out of frustration. Instead of saying get over it and screw you, I have been tested for hormonal imbalances, thyroid problems etc. (I've had 4 kids... this is possible) all which were negative. I know this is a problem for him so I have been reading books... the only reason I signed up this site was to get guidance regarding my complete lack of desire for sex.

Since that time I have learned MANY things. Such as the different ways people feel loved/desired. (which I was trying to share with you) as well as most of the time if there isn't anything physically wrong with you then the absence of desire to have sex with your partner is more likely to be "in your head". Which means there are underlying issues as to why your partner doesn't want sex (whether or not they tell you what it is). Heck they may not even know why themselves.

I never once told him to stick it and it is something I am working on and realize is a problem.

HOWEVER... if he continued to make it such a big issue and ALL about him... I probably would have told him to stick it.

[Choux]

m, She has the power in the relationship, and she doesn't want sex with you. (Are you unemployed or do you drink heavily?) Why does she have all the power? Why can she so easily disregard your feelings?

This is the reason people date before marrying... to find out what a person is really like. If no sex is a deal breaker for you going forward in your life, then this relationship is over.

Best wishes to you going forward,

[Synnen]

I was once the woman that never thought about sex. I was busy, I was tired, I had too much going on, and frankly--one sexual session pretty much satisfied me for a month or more.

Then my husband made it perfectly clear that if it didn't change, some of the things he did for ME were going out the window, because I didn't make an effort to do this thing for HIM, something that was very important to him.

I realized that for HIM to feel like the relationship was great, I needed to be more interested in sex, just as he knows I need him to be more interested in housework. It's not that I didn't or don't enjoy sex---I just don't NEED it the way he does. To be fair, he doesn't NEED the bathroom clean like I do.

I know this is a bad analogy, in a way, but the point is that she needs to understand that those little things you do for her, so that SHE feels loved and cherished is the SAME THING as sex for you. Period. She needs to be an active and willing partner for YOU to feel loved and cherished, and for YOU to feel like the relationship is balanced. It's not a matter of you'll clean the bathroom if she'll have sex with you--it's not a bartering thing. It's that sex is IMPORTANT to you, and that while you're not USING her for sex, you DO need her to be interested in it, and sexually interested in YOU.

I'm tired, not sure I'm making my point, but hopefully it helps a bit.

[simoneaugie]

Synnen makes sense even when tired. I couldn't add to her analysis except to tell you my Ex story.

He was the one who never wanted sex. I did everything, including massaging his feet. When I finally told him that is was sex or divorce he didn't hear me. So I left. Then, and even to this day he claims that the mistake was his for not listening. He says that if we got back together, things would be different. He claims that we would have sex whenever I wanted and that he would clean the bathroom...

Nah! I married someone else who likes sex as often as me.

Tell her how important it is to you. If after a reasonable amout of time and discussion she doesn't respond, then the two of you aren't compatible sexually, never will be. Then, living with that, or not is the choice you must make.

[gademoss]

I don't mean to sound harsh but I am in the same boat as you, with one exception, my wife and I haven't had sex in 9 months, I have talked to her about it, pleaded, begged, bartered, threatened her with divorce and she tells me that's the way its going to be and its never going to change, so now we are getting a divorce, maybe you should think about going to, if she has that little respect for you and your needs after you do all this for her then she don't deserve you.

[jennysolano18]

I agree that sex is a big part in a relationship. Because it's not just about having sex, it's the feeling you get when your intimate with the person you love, when your bodies are touch and holding each other, it is a very special part because a couple expreses themselves completely when they make love. I think that your partner doesn't really feel the way she says abouot you. Because when you love some one, I think, the attraction is what keeps the relationship alive. You need to let here know how regection makes you feel and try to make her understand you don't feel she really loves you. If she doesn't change then I think it is time for you to move on. Because A relationship is wonderful when you love each other, but with no attraction it will never work. Good Luck!

[Marek]

m, She has the power in the relationship, and she doesn't want sex with you. (Are you unemployed or do you drink heavily?) Why does she have all the power? Why can she so easily disregard your feelings?

This is the reason people date before marrying....to find out what a person is really like. If no sex is a deal breaker for you going forward in your life, then this relationship is over.

Best wishes to you going forward,

Let my tel you somethink Choux you are the dumbest I ever ever have to deal with in the chat or help line room. Do not listen to her please. Hang in there buddy.

[WakkieRob]

Does this mean it doesn't matter who was playing with you, you would feel the same. I used to play with my girl all the time and it wasn't enough for her she started to play with others behind my back.

[cadillac59]

While I'm far from an expert on opposite-gender sexual relations, it seems fairly obvious that there is too much going on with her for a workable relationship. Any reason you cannot just say good-by to her and find someone else?

[Bonnie46]

Dear Moorgus,
I am a woman, and I've experienced both sides of the drive: times when I had too much sex-drive, and other times more recently when I've had absolutely NO sex-drive at all. There are a couple of factors in my experience: medication, thyroid problems and excessive weight gain.
When I was young and thin, (and not on meds) my sex drive was frequently in overdrive - masturbating up to four times a day. Now that I'm on medication and I've gained a lot of weight - I only want it occasionally. Sometimes, I can't be bothered. It's all over the map. My needs are different from my husbands.

Anyway - that being said: If she doesn't see her lack of drive as a problem - this could indeed be a DEAL BREAKER (i.e. - she may not see the need to fix it.) She could be completely asexual. Some people just are. I would say that it is unfair for you to suffer like this. Either you both go to counselling and /or she get tested by sex therapist / doctors / specialists or you may indeed need to part ways.

Has she ever masturbated on her own? Does she even know where her is? I can pretty much guarantee that she won't feel any enjoyment out of internal penetration or stimulation. She needs the outside organ stimulated. And unfortunately it's tricky here, because some women prefer rough or hard-pressure and direct contact with that organ, and other women prefer contact that is EXTREMELY gentle - a HINT of soft stimulation. It's very hit and miss. (very frustrating for males, I'm sure.)

Sigh. I wouldn't rush into marriage with her, if this part of the relationship is stuck. I disagree with ConfusedinAK - sexuality is a HUGE portion of the entire whole of a marriage. There are many parts / elements to any relationship. Sex is important. Too many people go without.

[Bonnie46]

I also agree with Synnen! She NEEDED the bathroom clean - he NEEDED sex. Both parties needed to compromise. It's ALL about give and take. No excuses. What she molested as a child? Psychological hang-ups?