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New Member
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May 6, 2008, 07:15 AM
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Girlfriend broke up with me after 7 years
Please help me with advice... this took a lot of courage to sign up to this board and share my story, so here goes...
On 5/3/08 my girlfriend broke up with me after a 6 1/2 (yes, six and a half!) year relationship. It's crucial that I express the circumstances of how we met and what we were to each other, because this was not a run-of-the-mill relationship.
We met when I was 18 and she had just turned 17 (I'm now 24). As it turned out we actually only lived 10 minutes from each other. A mutual friend introduced us who said we would be perfect together, so we went on a first date and had an instant connection. See, at this point in our lives, my mother had just died a year earlier and she was loaded up on meds for depression/bi-polar disorder and even used to cut her arms, as did I. Needless to say, we were both very depressed people and shared pretty much identical world views, as well as the same interest in indie movies & music, as well as love our travel, animals, nature... everything in common. Strangely enough, we had crossed paths many times in the past. For example, she happened to be at the funeral for my best friend's father 4 years before we met! And I used to be her little brother's counselor at camp 3 years before we met! We had so many mutual acquaintances, too. But we did not know any of these things until we met. We were actually in the same room, many times, throughout the past but just didn't know each other. It's like we were meant to finally cross paths for good, like fate.
Given our life circumstances that we met under, we immediately latched onto each other and fell deeply, I mean DEEPLY in love within 4 or so months. We literally spent 7 days a week together, doing everything. We went for walks, went camping, listened to music and watched obscure movies together that most other people didn't even know about... we could even just lay in bed together for hours and laugh and smile while holding each other. We spent so much time together and were SO intimate that we we considered a single unit by ourselves and all our friends.
When we met, we healed each other. God knows where we would be today if we had not met. It was like two worlds crashing together, 2 lost souls finding each other and unifying.
After about 2-3 years together, we spoke of marriage and how excited we were to share the rest of our lives together. At the 4 year mark, marriage pretty much became set in stone, it was at the point where she said, "all you have to do is ask," although we both agreed to wait until college was over and we both had stable income. We were so intimate with each other that we actually "joked" about breaking up because that concept was so out of this world. Even 5 years into our relationship, we would still stare into each others eyes and profess our love. We still loved every second of our time together and enjoyed each other's company, even if we just sat in silence.
Yes, we did fight every once in a while, some months quite often, but we fought "maturely" and chose to learn from our fights use them to progess our relationships. We got over a lot of nasty times.
We even went to local colleges because we both could not deal with being long distance.
I've been our of college since 2005, she finished in 2006. I'm working full time and she is working part time for now as she plans to go for her master's at a college within the area.
I admit that for the past year, things have gotten mudane and routine, but I thought this was normal after so many years. Despite the routine feeling, we were still very happy together. But a week ago while in my car, she started crying and said she had something to say. I had a bad idea of what was coming... and I was right. She gave me the dreaded "I'm not happy...I love you so much, but I don't know If I'm in love with you anymore....we were kids when we met and have grown so much....I don't think I can continue to grow with you.." She then said we should not talk for a week. So a week later, I went over her house. We were both crying our eyes out... we both could not believe it was actually happening. Just for some perspective, some our friends said they expected a bibilical plague to happen the day we broke up, that's the type of couple we were known as.
So we drove our nearby park and walked throughout the woods, crying as she explained what she was feeling. She made it clear that she wasn't cheating on me, and no "other guy" is involved. She also said it's nothing I did specifically; she said she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at this "crossroads" point in her life and just wants to grow on her own without any restrictions. She said she wants me to continue to grow and live. We both agreed that we saved each other's lives and have forever made our marks on each other. She made me a man and I made her a woman. I admit, we are very different people today from when we met, but so what? I mean we both grew together, not apart, or so I thought. About 3 years into our relationship, she finally quit her therapy (which she's been in for years before we met) and meds and has grown in to a very strong, healthy and happy person. Our relationship was so heavy and intense that we both agreed, even if we live to be 100, 2001-2008 will always be known as "our years," it's like an entire volume of our lives.
She said these feelings of not being together have been floating around in her head for several months, maybe 1 year, but she repressed them our of her head because the very thought of us breaking up made her sick to her stomach. She said she is being very brave and finally accepting what she's feeling and needs to end rather than fall into a relationship that is only together out of fear of the pain of breaking up. It was a bold and honorable decision, I admit, but I am crushed because it came OUT OF NOWHERE and my feelings have never changed for her. I even admit that although any 7 year break up is going to be ugly, it was the most civil, mature and respectful break up I've ever heard of. It's very obvious that she does love and care about me. She sincerely only wants good things for my future.
I am so lost without her. She was the light at the end of my day. If something bad or sad happened to me, I could just say to myself "It's okay, I have her!" After 7 years with someone, it's like half of my life was ripped away from me. We both have to adjust to new routine. Actually its like adjusting to brand new lives. This is the most difficult period I've ever experienced, way worse than even my mom's death. I not only lost my girlfriend, but I also lost my best friend... the only person who truly "got" me. We both connected on such a deep, intimiate level... it got to a point where we could even finish each other's sentences! We could speak without even opening our mouths... we were like kindred spirits... it's very difficult to describe exactly how close we were.
It may be easy for someone to say that we met based on a need for each other, and once this need was gone, our relationship was no longer necessary, but it's not true. Yes, we were very co-dependent, but we grew a GENUINE and deep love. We were not together just to "ease each others pain." We truly loved our time together.
After she broke up with me, she said she wants to visit my mothers headstone with me when we are both "okay" to speak to one another. She's not doing this to screw with my head (trust me, she's not like that), this is something that we both want to do because it's very important to both of us. Although my mom died a year before we met, she has been "alive" and "important" in shaping our relationship given the circumstances that we met under, if that makes any sense. This is something that needs to be done, like closing the final chapter.
The thing is, I can't stop thinking about her... I was actually going to propose to her this summer. I can't function. I can't sleep or eat. I try to rekindle old friends that I weened off when we got so serious, and it's working a little bit. But even in my friend's company, I still feel so lonely and lost. I miss "snuggling" in bed and watching TV, I miss her arms around me... god I miss this girl so much... I even have dreams that she calls me up and says "baby I want you back, you are my soulmate, I've missed you so much..."
Even though she broke me heart into a million pieces, I have no hate for her. In a sad way, she did the right thing from her perspective and it took a lot of courage, and love and concern for us. But I just want my baby back... How do I let go of 7 years with my greatest joy, my greatest happiness, my purpose to wake up in the morning... I can't get her out of my head...
By the way we did not live together, but we have been dreaming and speaking about it for the past 3 years. We just needed to get our education over with first, get stabilized. Although we didn't live together we spent like 4-5 days together, even with both of us working so much. We had sleepovers 1-3 nights a week for the past 5 years, same bed. God I miss waking up next to her. We would both wake up and just lay in each others arms and smile...
I am 100% certain that we should be together... I just wish there was some way to get her back. 7 years is just too much to let go of... especially after what we've been through. It's been 3 days since the breakup, and there has been no contact since. It's so hard... my fingers ache to call her up but I know it's just going to push her away.
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Uber Member
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May 6, 2008, 11:09 AM
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You can't hold onto a person who does not want to be held onto. I found this out the hard way. You cannot force another person do do anything they don't want to do. She wants to continue to grow up a bit on her own. She just might see the error of her ways in a few months or a few years. In the meantime, you need to get a grip on yourself. I have always said if it was meant to be, it will be. If not, then it was a wonderful time that I had with that person and will cherish the memories for years.
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Uber Member
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May 6, 2008, 11:22 AM
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Well... having dated a girl for 7 years (HS, college, after) and having that breakup... and most of the feelings you've described all I can say is it happens and you get over it. With a lot of time and pain and frustration... you get over it.
You can try to make your love different than others by spelling it out in detail... and I'm not trying to be mean about this... but I've been where you are. Thinking I belonged with that girl. Planning a life, a wedding, etc.
After the breakup wondering if id ever find another person I could love.
Well... it was ugly for a year. Then I dated again. I found a few more big loves, lost a few of them again, and eventually found my wife.
All I can say is thank God I didn't marry my first big love. The one I planned on being with. The one I knew I should be with.
I know you don't want to hear that and I know you might feel your situation is unique. It isn't. Most of what you wrote I could have written talking about my first love.
Its no fun. It hurts like hell. It takes a lot longer than you want to work through the noise. It can be done. It just sucks.
Been there. Done that.
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New Member
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May 6, 2008, 11:37 AM
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I say if you want her go after her. Sometimes girls walk away to see how much you care about them and if your willing to come after her. Go get her ring... find her.. and purpose.. if she says no then you'll know she doesn't want to be with you anymore, but you'll never know until you try and it's worth the try
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Junior Member
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May 6, 2008, 01:06 PM
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I don't think proposing to the girl that just told you she doesn't want to be with you is a good idea. Sorry but she has had those thoughts for quite some time, and a proposal now that she has ended the relationship is like a girl getting pregnant to save a marriage.
Give her her space and be her friend. Since you had an amicable break up, there is no need to pretend that you are not friends.
I still talk to a couple of my ex boyfriends. There were tears when we ended, but we all got over it and moved on with our lives.
Unfortunately the feelings don't always change for both involved in the relationship. It's usually one person who has fallen out of romantic love that must end it.
Be thankful she told you now and not in 5 more years...
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Uber Member
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May 6, 2008, 01:23 PM
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This is the worst possible advice... to suggest proposing to a girl that might be playing head games?!
Yeah... That's a great way to a strong marriage.
Originally Posted by MysteriousGrl
I say if you want her go after her. Sometimes girls walk away to see how much you care about them and if your willing to come after her. Go get her ring...find her.. and purpose..if she says no then you'll know she dosn't want to be with you anymore, but you'll never know until you try and it's worth the try
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Expert
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May 7, 2008, 10:27 PM
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I hope you enjoyed the time you spent, but its time to regroup, and refocus on you, and how you want the rest of your life to be. Accept that its over, and heal. Sorry for your loss. The links in my signature, are well worth reading, and will help understand how to heal, and move on.
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Full Member
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May 8, 2008, 03:19 AM
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I'm sorry for your loss man.. I have a close friend who experienced a similar scenario.. "almost co-dependent with eachother" - was set to marry her.. they were together for 5 years.. then she just tells him she loves him but she wants to grow.Reading what you wrote reminded me of them.. He stopped talking to her for a while so he can get himself together.. She came running back after about a month.. but a few weeks in she was hesitant again. Now they decided to end things in the summer - which is ridiculous.
Point of the story being, she may feel weak at times and she may return sooner than you think but for her to be so honest with you it means it took a lot of courage and she was thinking about this for a long long time. You need to let her make her own mistakes and focus on what you can control, which is YOUR life.
It is going to be a long hard road to recovery but you will get better. Ask some of the veterans on these forums and they'll support what I am saying. Keep visiting, vent on these pages. Whatever you feel like saying to her, say it here.. Running to her will only delay the process..
Que sera sera
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New Member
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Jun 11, 2008, 02:56 PM
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Feel your pain man. Girlfriend of 5 years just dumped me 3 months after I moved across the state to be with her and we had just gotten a place together. Always lived over 2 hrs away from each other and made the long distance relationship work for 4 and a half years. Then finally got a job close to her... moved to the area and moved into an apartment together. Three months later she tells me she loves me but that she isn't in love with me anymore and its been that way for about 6 months. Stupid me... dont know how I never picked up on that before. Worse thing for me is that she has friends down here to surround herself with and since I just moved down here I don't have anybody. Really doing a number on my head. Just trying to decide where to go from here. Going to move back to be around my friends and just surround myself with positive stuff and focus on myself. Try not to think about her at all and hopefully time will mend the wounds.
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Senior Member
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Jun 11, 2008, 04:05 PM
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I am sorry for you, we all have been down that road. A boyfriend, a husband,a girlfriend, a wife, but no matter what it still hurts.It will take a few months before your feeling better. As much as it hurts you need to move on with your life. The worse thing you could do r right now is not give her the space she wants. Whatever she is going through let her be right now. That's what she wants, and respect her for that. If you push her she will resent you, as much as your hurting try to move on. I know its easier said that done. We are here for you and if you have to vent its OK, we will listen.. Good luck..
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New Member
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Aug 27, 2009, 02:23 PM
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After reading this and noticing that this occurred more than a year ago. What's happening with you now? I just recently when through almost the same situation, only a few different pages to the story.
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