[hipkat]

Hi. I am new to this so bear that in mind with your responses. My ex and I broke up several times over the past year and a half. I am having a hard time since I feel I created most of the problems. Let me start from the beginning, I was in a long distance relationship- driving in on the weekends {and he was doing the same} to see each other. I began to start resenting the distance and drive and eventually called it off- not because of feeling but just the circumstances. He begged me to not give up and so we got back together and again I just couldn't deal with the distance so I called it off again. He respected my wishes but eventually we got back together. This was over my birthday week and we had a bad fight to which I flew out to a weekend getaway with my friends.. he called me and broke up with me over the phone when I was out of state. I was devastated! I called him when I got back to my city and he said he no longer felt the same for me since all the fighting. I understood and didn't contact him - he eventually contacted me a few weeks later and said he wanted to try again. I agreed. This is where it really gets sticky. He was somewhat distant and eventually came clean that he had slept with someone when we were broken up and she got pregnant. This girl he had hooked up was married to one of his acquitances. I was devastated and told him to never contact me again to which he begged for forgiveness and said she had ended the pregnancy. I was torn since technically we were not together the time he claimed it happened. It took time but I eventually wanted to get back together and work it out one last time. Well since then, I have had issues forgiving him (like seeing her things at his house, etc) and he doesn't know how he feels about her (since she was carrying his child) and about me and the anger I have towards the situation. He broke up with me and said he doesn't love me enough to work this out since "i will never get over what he did to me and will never trust him completely". I love him but I can see his point and since then.,. He has ping ponged between me and her several times. Did I create this hell? We are currently not speaking but I feel horrible... I asked for the gifts I had given him and he seems to be very bitter about them( specifically a plasma tv). Was I being petty about my belongings? Please give me perspective because I feel all over the place. Thanks in advance.

[Guidostern]

I completely understand your anger regarding the relationship that he had with this other woman. It seems that you have been unsure of your position in this relationship for a long time.

As you probably know; this type of bouncing back and forth is not healthy for you, or him for this matter. I can also see why he may feel that he is obligated to this other young lady after she was carrying his child. Forgiveness as some of us know is a very hard thing to just give someone. I see your reasons for not wanting to trust him, especially since he seems to be obligated to this woman somehow.

As humans, most of us are enablers... as long as you give in, he will continue to return... Like most, I would suggest having no contact with him for quite a while. This will allow you to sort out your feelings, and he can do the same. As far as saying that you created this situation on your own... just remember, it takes two... each of you probably allowed this "hell" as you call it to occur.

As for the gifts, are these items so important that you need to have them back? This seems like you could possibly be trying to get back at him for the things that have happened...

I'm no expert, this is just my opinion... It's hard to say who is at fault, but as I previously said, having no contact with him is probably the best way to solve the problem.