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Homegirl 50 · Aug 9, 2011, 07:58 PM

I don't doubt that he, despite his idiosyncrasies is a nice hard working guy, but that does not mean he is the guy for you.
It's like you have finally found a decent working man and you want to grab him up.
This is not the one for you.
You have enough problems to have to deal with, you don't need his nit picky criticisms of you.
Work on yourself, spend some time with yourself. In my opinion, you don't need the drama of this guy.

HurtScorpio · Aug 12, 2011, 09:37 PM

Hello to everyone that has helped me. PLEASE HELP ME AGAIN!! I am really struggling emotionally right now and I am trying to make a decision needed answers from unbias sources. Please answer only if you have been familiar with my previous posts of my situation. My boyfriend and I are "broke up" I guess you could say. The scenario that caused it is as follows:

I was texting his sister in law whose husband is in a band with my boyfriend to find out if she was going to see them play this Saturday. She told me she was and explained that her husband wanted her to be there. She said they argue sometimes and I told her that my boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately and I did not like certain text messages he was receiving,etc. that they as brothers sent of naked girls to each other. She told me not to worry about it as she doesn't. I told her it was different though w/her because her guy and her have been married 10 years and my boyfriend (her brother in law) told me how loyal that her husband was to her and I mentioned that before they were married my boyfriend paid for a lapdance at a bachelor party for her husband and all the guys were pressuring her husband and he was so loyal he refused and said he did not want to hurt her, would not touch her, looked away, and insisted on leaving. After I told her this she said,"So there was a stripper." I knew then I was in trouble. She then demanded via text to know and I said yes and repeated the scenario that the reason I told her is because I thought she knew and that I was trying to emphasize how loyal he was so she said she was glad he did nothing and she felt better. She told me she would not bring it up to her husband.

The next day my boyfriend gets a call from his brother who screams at him for me bringing up the bachelor party thus my boyfriend screams at me saying I was trying to start trouble in the family again and I said I was not. I then call her and she says she does not know why he was mad and I told her she needed to fix this as it was blown out of proportion. My boyfriend takes off to his mother's house and when his sister in law goes to pick up her kids he asks her who brought up the bachelor party -she said me. He asks if I was trying to start trouble and she says yes. He comes home yelling at me again so I said I wanted to get her on the phone to tell the truth.

He said if I called her there would be consequences to pay and he would call he police on me. He was as angry as I ever saw him. He said just get out now! Get out! So, I left and I am at my parents house and have been here but before I left I was so angry in a rage I called her and left a voice mail saying she was a compulsive liar, a witch who just destroyed my relationship , told her karma would get her and then called her a c#nt. I know that is awful but it all got twisted and I was so mad that my boyfriend sided with his sister in law over me. I almost in a way felt he "liked" her or something as sick as that sounds. She then texted my boyfriend saying she was going to file a PFA on me if I contacted her again.

So, now my boyfriend thinks I am obsessed w/his sister in law and I feel he is picking his family over me. He told me if we got back together his family would never view me the same. I told him I do not think he loves me and he said he does but I have created too much chaos in his family and he thinks I want him to pick his family over me -well in certain circumstances yes, he should stick up for me. So, meanwhile I am in limbo as to what to do -there is an apartment available to me and he says we have "more issues to straighten out between us and we need to sit down and talk". Meanwhile I am living in squallor at my parents home as they keep their home not clean, hardly any food, just not very nice and they are not very supportive saying "they have their own problems".

I am 36 -I don't need this immature BS -I either want to work it out or move on and he tells me "I am too tired to discuss this -do what you want -if you want to move go ahead and if you want to come back come back but if you come back and start chaos again, I will leave."

I am physically ill - I am having a hrd time making a decision due to my past bad relationships and my past in general and I know my parents are bias.I am a jealous person and I am depressed so I don't know if I am unhappy with him or me but hi lack of affection which I told him makes me unhappy he tells me he does not give because I start chaos which I also know is BS because I started no chaos befire and he did not give much affection. I like the stableness as I stated before but as HomeGirl said, maybe I am just grabbing on to the first stable guy I found?

Cat1864 · Aug 13, 2011, 05:20 AM

I am not certain you are being honest with yourself about what you were wanting in the text messaging. Who brought up arguing first? It seems like a strange thing for her to bring up since you are talking about going to a concert. You seem to have been trying to enlist her help in getting her husband to stop sending/sharing pictures of naked females and when she didn't jump to your side, you tried to convince her why she should. Isn't that trying to start something? Maybe not what ended up occurring, but something.

Having read your posts here and how easily you seem to get upset when you think people 'against' what you want, I won't say that they don't have a basis for their perception of you starting things.

I think you need to take this time to get in touch with your therapist, etc. and make certain your treatment plan is working or if it needs to be tweaked.

I think you need to live on your own for awhile and develop your coping skills. The stability you are looking for has to come from within you. You are responsible for your own actions, reactions, and thoughts. You have to learn how to find peace and calm inside you. You have to learn how to let the drama go and encourage stability in your life.

Are you familiar with the Desiderata? It is a poem about finding peace in yourself.

Desiderata - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Homegirl 50 · Aug 13, 2011, 06:39 AM

I think you need to stay on your own.
You don't need to go back there. Family drama is not good.
I don't understand why what was said caused so much mess but I guess some people thrive on that kind of thing.

At any rate, don't go back. That situation is never going to work. Move out on your own, work on yourself, become comfortable with yourself.

HurtScorpio · Aug 13, 2011, 02:25 PM

To CAT thank you for the Desiderata referance and yes, I believe I actually received it in a card from someone before but reading it again was refreshing. I did contact my therapisy over the weekend but was not able to speak with her as my phone went dead on me but luckily and thankfully we have a session on Monday scheduled which I desperately need. I thought I was not doing anything wrong at the time of my text to the sister in law and yes it did initially begin with a question to see if she was attending the concert. She said how her life was stressful and her spouse would "kill" her if she did not attend. My response was that my boyfriend would probably not care if I attended as I am around so much. I honestly do not remember who brought up arguing. It mat have been me or her. All I know is that I did bring up that I did not like the nudie texts and she said it did not bother her. I went on to say "It was different with them though ... " and maybe I should have just said they have a great relationship but yes, I used the strip club example. I HONESTLY meant no harm at all -I was TRYING to say he was loyal as a dog especially when I said at a wedding we went to that he said even if she died he would not remarry as you only marry once. Her gratification with my response lead me to believe she was happy.

Yes, now I realize I should have never even went there BUT after the first "tragic event" I created with my accusations toward her I was attempting to create a said bond/friendship/connection with her and it got twisted, tangled, and basically ruined. I vowed to never ,ever, try to establish a connection with anyone again yet at the same time my boyfriend tells me his friends think I am so quiet I am like a clam.

Today I came down to gather some items to take back with me. He wants to have a talk saying,"there are a lot of things we need to talk about in our relationship." Meanwhile I have a landlord on hold waiting for an answer from me. He wants me to attend his show tonight. I am very scared and very worried about his family.

I know I need to keep my thoughts straight, my mouth shut, and I just want peace and relaxation to be quite honest. I made clear last night my needs for affection would possibly assist with me not being so "in want" and "in search" of a reason why he "may not love me". His words are enough to him but not to me. Example I gave to him was living w/an alcoholic for years who TOLD me he was not drinking and would stop drinking was BS. I needed the action because words meant nothing and the same goes here -to him he says "it goes both ways -if your behavior ws logical and not off the way maybe i would be more affectionate". I am not so sure of that. I need to speak to my therapsi about what she thinks because I have always needed to be a person's #1 and this guy seems to have family as his #1 -not so sure I like that -not so sure I want to be #2 over an in law -she is not even blood she has just been in the family longer.

Now -my family (well, they have twisted thinking I think too) think he is infatuated with his sister in law and that is why he sticks up for her. I told them that is sick that they think he may "like or love" as she is married to his brother. They said sick things occur. My therapist disagrees. Any opinions on this?

Thanks and I will probably have my decision made on Monday as to whether I am staying or leaving and thanks for you help Homegirl and Cat and to anyone else who has any input. You have been much appreciated!

HurtScorpio · Aug 23, 2011, 01:01 AM

It has been a quite difficult time since I last posted. I realize I made a huge mistake by calling his sister inn law the "c" word and created a dramatic family situation. After speaking to my therapist today she pointed out that there is a pattern of behavior here and that I am seeing the sister in law as a threat -I was seeing her as "flirting" with my boyfriend and in my mind she was what my boyfriend desired - a short small girl with waist length dark hair. I am a tall girl with medium length dark hair. I did this in my past relationships as well, always feeling I was not what that person wanted -when the past boyfriend left me his next girlfriend was beastly looking and also obese. My ex husbands current girlfriend is also unattractive and kind of chunky -very opposite of me. So, I do not know why I do this to myself. Maybe because my boyfriend tends to notice my flaws and so I then feel he ONLY notices them.
I feel a lot of guilt, anger that the sister and law and her husband won't forgive me and have written me off which means their children, my boyfriend's favorite niece and nephew can't see him driving a wedge between us as well. I was told by my therapist and by him that it will take time to forgive but in the mean time I have been getting sick over it.

I have been looking for jobs, looking for social things to do, classes to take to occupy my thoughts. His friend is even mad at me as when we attended his concert I saw his "supposed" ex so I e-mailed his friend to ask if my boyfriend talked to her and I received a vicious e-mail from a man who has the most calm personality. He stated my boyfriend was one of the most loyal man he knew and the fact that I would even ask that shows a lack of trust,jealousy, and possessiveness on my part. I later found out that he did not speak a word to her but it hurt badly to hear those words. My boyfriend says I create all the mess and expect others to "kiss my ***" which I do not expect that. In the time I do it, it is impulsive and after I do it, it is hurtful. It is like a sick addiction. Like I need to know so badly and I push until I push so hard that someone erupts. The hurt within myself is very deep.

I guess I am probably a needy person and do ask too may questions with the expectation of answers to fulfill my need for love and yes, I know I need to love myself. I almost desire a human teddy bear. So sad, is it not. I think back to things said to me in other relationships and maybe I do function emotionally as a teenager, a child in need of attention. I know where it comes from. I never had it then! But, I don't have it really now from parents either so I search somewhere and feel very alone so I can't count the number of times I have contemplated suicide thinking who would care and if they did they would certainly get over it quick. But I will end this now. It was really just an update. I thank you all. Should you have any thoughts or word of wisdom anything is always appreciated.

I am continuing therapy once a week and seeing a psychiatrist for medication. Trying to keep my mouth shut, looking for a job and something social, and trying so hard not to be "miserable".

talaniman · Aug 23, 2011, 10:24 AM

There is hope when you start seeing the truth about yourself. Then you can know what to change, and why you should. And you will. No doubt.

>cyber hug<

Homegirl 50 · Aug 23, 2011, 02:23 PM

I wish you well. Keep on working on yourself.

QLP · Aug 23, 2011, 10:16 PM

The point at which we really start to see ourselves and understand our own issues fully can be very painful. Stick with it. Sometimes we have to reach rock bottom before we can start to cllimb up. I too wish you well on your journey.

HurtScorpio · Oct 19, 2011, 04:15 AM

I wanted to just check in with all of those who have helped me a great deal as I had not been on the site for quite some time. I decided to take a break from getting "too much advice" from outside parties and stick to that of my only my therapist because I became so frustrated. This is not to say that everyone here has not helped me. I have made some discoveries about myself and realizations that I did not want to hear that many of you were telling me. My therapist has told me I have numerous traits of "borderline personality disorder". If anyone is not familiar, it tends to occur (not always but mostly) with people who have had some type of early childhood dramatic event, lacking attention from one or both parent, or the absence of a parent/lack of attention creating an intense need for attention, neediness, clingyness, overdependence, and an intense fear of abandonment. They have unstable relatonships, when in a relationship and feel they are becoming close they tend to create a self fulfilling prophecy by pushing the person away before that person rejects them and if the person does leave them, they will do anything to get them back. They either love or hate a person and that feeling can change from day to day depending on if that person "does what they want". I Never in my life thought I would be dealing with this. Now I am doing everything in my power to NOT be dramatic, pull back when I see myself doing so, be more loving, less selfish. I have been reading books and following every bit of my therapist's advice who I see on a weekly basis. I do still catch myself being "needy" for attention and then look at myself and see myself being childlike and try to be less needy and accept instead of push. I am making slow but steady progress and I want to thank everyone again. I will be on the site but not as often as I need to work on myself a great deal.

Cat1864 · Oct 19, 2011, 04:41 AM

HS, I am glad you came back with an update. It sounds like you are getting the help you need and I hope it continues.

Remember that you have a lot of support here if you need or want it. Honesty isn't always negative.

Continue to do what is best for you and I wish a very happy future. :)