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New Member
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Dec 17, 2007, 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted by aiyerrc
i have been dating this girl for about 2 months, and shes great. shes beautiful, funny, smart, etc..
basically, im starting to get thhe feeling like im trying to hard bc i seem to be the only one who is putting forth any effort into the relationship. i know she likes me, she wouldnt be dating me if she didnt. its not the crazy sex we are having because we havent had it yet.
one of my friends pretty much summed it up with this example:
To Me: Say you are hanging out with your 5 best friends, having a good time, and she calls you and asks you to go to dinner in an hour; would you?"
To Friend: of course
To Me: now reverse the roles. would she do the same?
To Her: no, she wouldnt leave her friends to eat dinner if i asked her, but then again, she would never ask me to go to dinner, because she never initiates wanting to see me.
what do i do?
we both go to college, and christmas break started today, so i wont see her for about 4 weeks. a few times, i tried to see if she wanted to get together over the break; i could come see her, she could some see me, anything at all, and of course she indirectly and very politely found a way to say no to any kind of face to face contact over the break. WHY!?!? if she likes me, she should want to see me right?
as of now, i have decided not to call her, text, her or initiate any kind of contact at all over the break. as hard as this is for me, and its not my nature, i feel its the only way to get the point across that she can't keep treating me like this.
Do your think this is the right thing to do?
What is her deal?
is she even worth it?
Hey, if this chick is not putting effort in, she obviously takes you for granted, if she likes you she will eventually make some effort to see you if she likes you, when you be distant like you have decided to do. But her deal, if she likes you, would be she doesn't know what she's got, but she might realize its hard to find guys who aren't pricks, and actually see you're a great guy and very hard to find guys who love you so much. But you shouldn't waste your time on a lost cause.. she might just be using you.
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Expert
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Dec 17, 2007, 10:06 PM
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Do you think I should send a small text message saying I'm thinking about you,
Yes and don get carried away, just a friendly gesture.
but not call her and make small talk?
No.
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Junior Member
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Dec 17, 2007, 11:36 PM
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Originally Posted by aiyerrc
do you think i should send a small text message saying im thinking about you,
That wouldn't be too bad.
But I'd even stear away from showing your desperate emotions towards her.
So instead you could text:
Hey,
What's up?
Having a good day?
So I met this hot babe today. Lol. What's up? (Use just to get some sort of reaction out of her, you can say you are joking in the next text message, if you feel like it).
Even just messaging her to comment on something like: "I hate doing _____".
But you need to stop being her little puppy!
So that means enough of the: OMG I MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH! PLEASE COME SEE ME SOON CAUSE I CAN'T EVEN LAST A DAY WITHOUT TALKING TO YOU!
Originally Posted by aiyerrc
but not call her and make small talk?
No definitely not!
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Junior Member
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Dec 17, 2007, 11:50 PM
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Btw you are continually bumping this thread. You want us to make all the decisions for you... all of us we might as well be dating her ourselves.
I'm not saying it to be rude but are sooo many things you have to learn for yourself.
And you just won't understand until you experience why, yourself.
For example: we have told you what to do and you are having such a hard time doing it, it's just not talking to her for a couple weeks. Sure you can chat with her via text message and email every few days but get over the obsession she's human too you know.
So what I'm saying is in my opinion you're having such a hard time cause you're either somewhat new at this dating thing or just naïve. So for you to be less worried about not chatting so much the next relationship your in you are going to have to learn for experience why you shouldn't be such a clingy puppy.
I think it's a good idea to try to act normal, so texting her here and there is good but you need to stop trying to do everything right cause the more relationships you're in the more you'll learn and as I said, some of this stuff you'll learn from experience better than we can tell you.
P.S. The chances you're going to marry her are slim, not only because most people date many others before they find the right one and also because of the situation you described to us between you and her (she doesn't seem as interested, and get got out of a long term relationship, brings up loving her ex, you could be the rebound etc etc). - I'm not saying this to be a jerk I'm doing it so you are more confident and less worried about every thing you do.
Good luck
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Ultra Member
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Dec 18, 2007, 07:09 AM
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In another thread someone was talking about her relationship being an obsession or addiction. I believe we have to distinguish "obsession/addiction" from "love". If the interactions with this lady cause confusion and heartache, no amount of texting is ever going to make you feel better. This is not easy; one must be able to separate what is good in the relationship from what is not so good, the cause of confusion and pain. Those things that cause pain and confusion must be foremost in your mind, and you must be willing to say, "No, I am not going to let this happen to me again." At that point, it is not her doing something to you; it is you allowing things to harm you. It is like playing with matches or crossing a busy street; you must take care of your emotional side, as well as your physical side. It is not easy to do, but No Contact will do it; it is the only and surest cure. It is sort of like quitting smoking: you can cut down all you want, but at some point you must say, "That was the last one." And you must believe in the cure; you will get over her and live to love another angel, another day, without confusion and pain.
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Junior Member
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Dec 18, 2007, 09:49 PM
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Do you think this will work?
Okay, first off, too all the regulars that have responded to my other threads, thank you so much for all your time and input. I know I'm beating a dead horse, but I need to know this..
Today I texted the girl I'm seeing to see if she was feeling better because she has strept throat..
Me: so are you feeling any better today?
Her: well I felt like crap earlier, but now I'm feeling better
Me: good... well I just want you to know I'm thinking about you!
Her: what are you doing tonight?
... I said I was thinking about her and she asked me what I was doing tonight. Usually, she will just say it back. I seriously contemplaed breaking up with her right then and there because if you can't say that even in reply to someone saying it to you, you must really not care.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-162828.html
There's a little back story for you new guys
This is what I'm thinking about doing
1. break up with her, make her realize what's up. I only want to break up with her, so she will come back to me though. As some of you already know, this whole ordeal has been eating at me since break started 5 days ago. I just feel like this could easily backfire, and she won't call me again because this is actually what she wanted all along. But if so, why hasn't she done it yet? Even if it doesn't work, at least I was the one to end it, which will be psychologically better for me in the end.
2. tell her we need to take a break from talking to each other for a while to figure out what we want, but not break up.. its not like we are seeing each other anyway, because its xmas break and we live 6 hours away from each other. All the times I tried bringing up over the break, she shot down.
3. just don't call, text her, anything unless she in initiates it. By me ignoring her though, is that intended to to weird her out a bit, and make her think about it a bit. I want to give the impression like nothing is wrong, but by ignoring her for a certain amount of time, what would she think?
Of course, I really want to be with her one way or another by the time school starts up on the 8th..
What do you think I should do?
I want to say sorry to tala, george, cianci, and phil because this is similar to my other threads, just basically a different perspective. Any more insight you have would be great though. You know how it goes on this forum, you can say it as many times as you want to a guy like me, I just don't want to accept the answer.
Again what should I do
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Expert
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Dec 18, 2007, 10:57 PM
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None of the above. The only thing that's changed since your other post is your insecurity and impatients. You got your call to her, and now time to do what you do where your at. Making a big deal because she didn't reasure your ego, doesn't make sense to me, and to keep trying doesn't either. Better to call or text every 3-4 days and let it go, and be fun and interesting, not nosey needy and insecure, very unatractive when your trying to show your interest, and that you care. Be patient as dealing face-face with your concerns is the best way to go.
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Junior Member
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Dec 18, 2007, 11:10 PM
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Yea, I decided after talking to phil that I'm doing this. Thanks again tala, you've been huge and now I'm actually going to listen to you!!
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Expert
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Dec 19, 2007, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by aiyerrc
yea, i decided after talking to phil that im doing this. thanks again tala, youve been huge and now im actually going to listen to you!!!!
LOL, If I had a dime for every time I heard that. :p
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Senior Member
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Dec 19, 2007, 07:51 AM
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I just want to add one thing. You said this was done over text. There is so much communication lost over text and email. Whenever my boyfriend and I ever fought it was because of some dumb misunderstading over text and email. Seriously, maybe she asked you what you were doing tonight because she wanted you to come over? I don't know. Just a thought and it just goes to show how many different spins you can put on one sentence. Just make sure whatever you choose to do... do it face to face. Email and texts can totally ruin relationships in that regards. And also in the regards that you are always linked to someone when there should be alone time. Ya know? It's too easy to reach out and touch someone.
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Junior Member
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Dec 19, 2007, 09:28 AM
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I think that this is childish because you are putting yourself in a bad position you could end getting her back but you may also be making that she doesn't trust you because she could think anytime the road gets rough you will walk away and or try to play these games with her so I think that if there is a problem you should just tell her be honest and she what her response you aren't going to make anything any better by just walking away from the situation to make her wake up it doesn't work like that
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Junior Member
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Dec 19, 2007, 01:29 PM
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We are 6 hours away, so when she asked me what she was doing tonight, I don't think it was so we could get together. Its xmas break... did you guys read the link? There have been other things. I'm not just going to break up with her because she didn't say she's thinking about me back one time. But I'm just not going to call her.
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Full Member
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Dec 19, 2007, 02:13 PM
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Your doubts and insecuritites are leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually you guys will break-up. Be careful.
And if you believe the things you're thinking, you should break-up. It seems like she's more balanced with the relationship than you are. Ie. Your linked thread. You drop anything to go out of your way for her. She would not.
After just 2 months, neither of you should drop anything at a moment's notice. You're not there yet. Especially at college age. That does matter.
--Cali
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Junior Member
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Dec 19, 2007, 02:53 PM
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Yea, I just want to be back at school, so I can show her this. Until then, the only thing I can do is not call her, maybe not even a text but every 3 or 4 days..
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Expert
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Dec 19, 2007, 04:25 PM
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Cali is right you sure expect a lot from a stranger, after 2 months, I would think your still learning each other.
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Junior Member
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Dec 19, 2007, 04:36 PM
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She cant communicate!
I've been dating this girl for about 2 months and superficially, she's perfect; gorgeus, smart, funny, quirky..
A major problem though is that she can't communicate her feeling with me. We had serious talks about 3 weeks ago about where our relationship was going and all she could say was "i dont know" or "i like you, and i want to be with you", but that's all she could say. We she took one day of space and then called me and said lets "start over" and I said, what the hell, its better than breaking up, because I do really like her. The next two weeks were fine
To this point though, I feel like I'm making all the effort in the relationship.. we haven't had sex yet, I couldn't perform twice because I was a bit scared because it would be my first time.. while she was a bit upset at the time, she SAID it was no big deal, and the timing just wasn't right. I know its early in the relationship, and right now, I think shed still rather hang out with her friends more than me. Whatever no big deal.
Well its xmas break, and we live 6 hours away from each other. I have decided not to contact her, text her, or ask to come see her, because I brought it up several times to meet up over the break, and she basically said no each time.. maybe by me not calling her, it'll make her realize what she's going to lose.
What should I do? Do you think thisll work?
Anyone who has responded to my other posts, don't even bother reading... lol sorry
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New Member
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Dec 19, 2007, 10:48 PM
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Don't let your strong feelings for her cloud your good judgment. If you think you can see that she isn't interested, don't put yourself out there any more than you have to. Don't become a doormat either though. It's good that you decided to not contact her. If she is interested, this might spark her interest and now she will start taking the initiative in some elements of the relationship. If she doesn't however, this could be your final sign that she really isn't interested. I know this might not be what you WANT to hear, but this could act as a final closure on any confusion you have. It should also be a sign that you should get your head back in the dating game (if you think you're ready) and try to meet some new ladies. No one said you had to jump into a new relationship... but dating is a great way to take your mind off the past, meet new people, and possibly open up some doors into new relationships. In the end though, this is just advice. You should read this, take it into consideration, but be sure to make your own decision based on how YOU feel. Hope this helps!
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Junior Member
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Dec 19, 2007, 11:35 PM
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She's eating lunch with her ex.
Hey guys, so my girlfriend called me today just to talk. We talked about this and that, the usual. She then nonchalantly brought up that she was supposed to go eat lunch with her ex BF earlier today but he blew her off. At first, I was like, umm this isn't cool. She even said, "hah, you think im still in love with him!" and I said "hah, no, but you have said to me you will always "love" him and he was an important part of your life for 3 years.
Then I said, picture this. My ex-gf of 3 years, my first love, and I were going out to lunch, what would you think? She said I trust you enough, so it wouldn't be a big deal. I told her, its not that I don't trust you, but you have said you loved him before!
I'm not sure what to do in this situation.. on one hand, obviously this is a little ridiculous. Your ex-bf of 3 years calls and wants to hang out with you over the break, and he asks you to lunch, and you say yes. I have a right to care, and say I dissaprove, but this will come off as me being jealous.
On the other hand, he was a big part of her life, and she repeatedly said she's over him, its been over a year, and I would never do anything with him again. All I can do is trust her, right? Should I express my dissaproval for her doing this? We aren't at that point in our relationship, especially if you have read some of my other threads, for me to say you can't go eat lunch with him.
Its just a bit weird because they haven't spoken in a long time.
Anyway, how should I approach this?
She's done nothing to break my trust up to this point
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Ultra Member
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Dec 20, 2007, 12:13 AM
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No contact over the break is probably a good idea. Let her resume the relationship once school starts again. Find someone else. She may not be the one for you at the moment. It sounds like you would like to get serious with someone. She wants to play. So, maybe the two of you will get together later, after a couple of years.
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Ultra Member
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Dec 20, 2007, 04:40 AM
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It's only been two months I think you are rushing things. Also as the others said perhaps she can't communicate her feelings because, well, she doesn't have any to communicate.
Take it slow if at all.
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