[Shadowburn]

No contact consist of never contacting them and ignoring their attempts to contact you regardless of circumstances. Moving out, mutual friends and so on are irrelevant. Check out stickies on top of the main page about meaning of NC and how to maintain it.
Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

All if these things will take time.
Bowing out gracefully means just that. You accept that it's over and not worry about trying to make him suffer or miss you.
If he says he does not love you there is nothing you an do to change that, accept it.
Allow him time to get his things out (that is bowing out gracefully, changing the locks on him is not)
Going NC is not to make him jealous or miss you. It is so you can get over him. So what if he bonds with your old friends.
You stay away as long as you are having these raw and clingy jealous feelings.

[jennlnn]

1. In my experience, and I have been in quit the VERY similar one, it is ALWAYS better to just act "neutral". In the case of him getting his stuff out and changing the locks, no, I don't think it is "too much". What I did with my relationship which was the same, by the way this man is now my husband;-), I went to get MY stuff, in your case have him get his stuff at a time when you will not be there and give him a time limit. The only other problem I can see is if you "share the lease"? THAT might pose a problem as far as changing locks etc.
2. If this guy IS the one and he is otherwise a "grown-up" decent person he should not rub anything-as far as dating in your face. Just speak when ABSOLUTELY necessary, as hard as that might be. This will tell him you are fine with the situation and you CAN live without him. If he loves you, which it sounds like you two both have strong emotions still, this will make him reevaluate how things have gone recently. Unless you have done something to make him resent you he shouldn't want to or even "date" any time soon. If you haven't done anything and he DOES rub dating in your face, he is just acting out. This actually would tell me and should tell you he IS spending all his time and thoughts on YOU-if he didn't "care" he wouldn't even take the time to make any dating obvious to you. If the situation does arise where you are confronted with the knowledge of him seeing someone, the best way to handle it is to act like it doesn't bother you and you are actually HAPPY for him; I know this can be the HARDEST thing to do, but know if he is TRYING to rub it in your face that response will definitely drive him crazy.
3. As far as the "friend" problem, yes, this IS going to be awkward. The only advise I can give is, ask yourself what friends were YOURS to begin with-these are the people who will ALWAYS be on YOUR side. If you have friends you made while in the relationship, they are hopefully decent people who will respect the situation and you both. If nothing else if some of these "friends" listen to or "take sides" as far as giving you the cold shoulder, you are better off WITHOUT them in your life. TRUE good friends and people for that fact won't get caught in the middle. They will "listen and give advise only when asked", but otherwise not bring the situation up at all.
I guess the sum of my advise is ALWAYS be the bigger person, NEVER let your TRUE feelings(if they are negative, or you just want to cry and dig a hole), just act like you are happy-also ACTUALLY TRY TO DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY AND NOT THINK ABOUT HIM. Always be cordial, even if he is an or tries to "get to you", don't let him-you can always if nothing else WALK AWAY.
I am sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard; like I said I had the same problem. But, if you two are truly meant to be and you love eachother-it should be unconditional, and you WILL eventually be together. Like I said, the man I had the same situation with is now my husband!
I don't know how old you are, but if it is not meant to be, let it go. Life is too short. I know it WILL hurt for a while, but the pain will fade with time and good friends and family. For now find YOU again. Decide what YOU want, how YOU want to be treated/feel, and DO NOT SETTLE for anything less.
Good luck, and I hope things work out for you. I know they will, just remember the best "revenge" is to be happy. If you let people get to you and they KNOW it then you are letting THEM win;-). Love and light to you...

[Homegirl 50]

You just posted on this same topic yesterday. No need to start a new one every day.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ml#post2434934
This is what I told you yesterday, it still applies.
All if these things will take time.
Bowing out gracefully means just that. You accept that it's over and not worry about trying to make him suffer or miss you.
If he says he does not love you there is nothing you an do to change that, accept it.
Allow him time to get his things out (that is bowing out gracefully, changing the locks on him is not)
Going NC is not to make him jealous or miss you. It is so you can get over him. So what if he bonds with your old friends.
You stay away as long as you are having these raw and clingy jealous feelings.

[vanheart]

It takes time.

Good & loving friends are important. (Ones that respect NC & your healing. Not gossipers.)
Recognize the ones that are true to you, don't worry about some power struggle with him.

Exs are not important. After all, they are no longer in our life. No more reason to care what they do, when, how, or anything else.

All you are scared of are "what ifs". That's all in your head.

Remember, you are the most important person. Be strong & always take the high road.
Time to be happy w/o him. Life's short.

NC will help you do that.

[sosadtoday92]

Here’s what I know, because this is what he told me. In May, my BF began having an emotional affair with a co-worker who is married with 2 kids. In July out of the blue, at least for me, we broke up for three weeks. He moved out and immediately began seeing her. He said 5-6 times and they would meet for 20 minutes at a park and talk, hug and kiss nothing more (we are in our late 30’s here).

He moved back in and said he wanted to work things out and we talked through our issues, but he never said anything about a major one. Another girl! We were back together for only three weeks when I was home and he was out having a beer. I was on the computer and on one screen his face book was up, as I sat there a REAL TIME chat came up (he was on his mobile face book at the bar). He said to her “I miss you so much it hurts” and she then responded “My heart is literally aching, I can’t stop thinking of you”.

I almost threw up. I had no idea. I confronted him and he said he just is not in love with me like he wants to be and he left. I feel like an utter loser. We are in the difficult move out process and I am so emotional and angry. He on the other hand is calm and trying to be “honest” and saying I am awesome, but he just isn’t in love with me and he is sorry he did this. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces, especially because I feel like an emotional wreck and a fool. And I am in shock that after 3 years, he could be the type of man to do this. His reasoning is that it was a bad thing BUT he couldn’t help his feelings for her and if he had feelings for her, he couldn’t be in love with me.

He is really doing a good job of painting himself as the good guy who did a slightly bad thing to everyone and I feel what he did was a total affair. He pursued, they were physical, he continued to pursue. That is an affair. He says because they were not physical allegedly when we were together, that it was not an affair. Who is right? And How to move on with all of this pain.. because now I just feel like a loser.

[Homegirl 50]

He had an affair with a married woman, he left you and came back and you found out he's still talking to someone else.
He's a creep.That's all you need to know.

You are not a loser, he is. You have been freed from entanglement with him. It will take time but you'll get past it. Many have in the past and many will continue to in the future.
Don't have any contact with him now. It's your time to heal.

[BMI]

It cheating. He may be doing a good job of selling this as something beyond his control, but shame on you if you fall for this nonsense.

I truly hope the question is posed in order to get other peoples opinion, as you may be clouded right now, and not whether you should take him back.

I sympathize with your situation and I hope you are able to overcome the hurt this (can't swear on here) has done. However, the writing is on the wall in very big, neon letters. Please move on for your sake.

[Cat1864]

A link to your previous thread for those who need more of the history: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-324846.html

Lesson one: Do not get back together with someone without working through the issues and giving enough time for the dust to settle from throwing out the old baggage.

Lesson two: An emotional attachment to someone outside the relationship (as in love connection) is an emotional affair. It is as damaging and hurtful as a physical one if not more so. Physical affairs are often about the sex not the emotional bonds.

Lesson three: This is nothing that you did wrong. He has a warped view of the world if he can cheat with a cheater and think that it is okay in any shape or form.

Get through the moving out process and making sure that all 'business' has been taken care of and then go No Contact. Let him and his playmate go their way. Try to keep yourself from dwelling on them or their relationship past or present. Work on rebuilding your own self-esteem and confidence. Heal and move on.

Learn to enjoy life the way you want to live it and, someday, when you are ready, you will meet someone much better suited to building a life with you than he was. It won't be easy and there will be ups and downs, but you will come through and in a much healthier relationship with yourself.

[beachloverjohn]

The man is a cheater and a liar. You were betrayed. Not only that, I think he wanted to get caught. He had no respect for you or your feelings, and you can rest assured that you are way too good for him. Be thankful you never married him.

[Jlesnik33]

All you need to do is be happy he is out of your life. Cause what he did to you, he will do to her, and then the next one.

It was hard to find out the way you did, and it really does suck.
But as time passes you will realize thank god that scum is out of my life.

He is so emotionally messed up, I believe he doesn't know what he wants.

Im happy for you, and I hope that when you do find someone, It will makeup for the lost time spent with this A**hole.

[talaniman]

Your right, he is a liar and cheater and had affairs on you and he is wrong. Now will you quite running head first into a brick wall and do what's right for yourself?

You have been told in all your threads to get him out of your life, heal, move on. Become an expert in NC, and the fine art of disappearing from the life of a loser.

While I can sympathize with your feelings of disgust, betrayal, rejection, depression, and all the rest. This has been brewing a long time and its time to let it go finally, and get healthy again.

[suzonthebay]

He is a MAN WITHOUT HONOR... The Man you trusted turned out to not be worthy but, I agree with all the other comments. He will never change & is not capable! This is who he is, uses Women until the next one comes along. He is not secure in himself to be alone, single & independent so leaches on to Women like yourself. Feel sorry for him as its his loss & disgusted that he used you for as long as he did. Its not your fault & seems like you had real faith in love by trusting him... However, ask yourself honestly if you are "co-dependent?" Perhaps it's a good time to take a healthy look inside yourself? Take a personal inventory... the good & bad so you don't get involved with another manipulating lier and in the future, can welcome someone new with a healthy mind. No hurry, nothing worse then a rebound & very unsatisfying!

[Jake2008]

Good grief.

The positive here, is that somebody finally made a decision, and was honest enough to end it, and that certainly wasn't you. Why is he painted as a low-life loser because he finally got his poo together, and called it quits.

How long were you prepared to keep taking his nonsense.

He cheated, you took him back, nothing was resolved, the love was gone, the relationship was kaput, and it is, 'The End.'. It's over.

When you forgive a cheater, you lower yourself to the very same standard as them. Because your boyfriend cheated, and you accepted that he cheated, you decided he was still good enough to be with. So you can't complain that you were not fully aware of what he did, and how you (didn't) boot him out the moment you found out.

You chose to be with a cheater, and should have been able to predict the outcome. You could have insisted on counselling, you could have left, you could have booted him out of your life, but you didn't. So now that he as finally ended it, he is classified as low life pond scum?

I'm not excusing his cheating, but, that was not the dealbreaker here. You kept having him back, until HE decided the two of you were over. Had he broken up with her, you would likely have welcomed him with open arms. So, let's not blame your world falling apart because of his actions. You have only yourself to blame. You broke up once for three weeks, and didn't have a clue what was going on as you said. Then, you 'talked through' his having moved in with another woman, and then you were again surprised that there was yet another woman in the picture, after you had him back, yet again.

The relationship is over, and pointing the blame and all your anger and disappointment at him, is not quite right in my opinon. I know you are hurting, and I understand that, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

But, as far as I can see, you could have mitigated your own damages, a long, long time ago, and you would not be in the position you are in now.

If you can see how you have contributed to your own failure here, and ease up on the cheating as the only issue, you will go a long way in preventing history from repeating itself the next time around.

Be sure next time, go slow, really learn what you are looking for in a man, and for heavens sake when and if things start going south, don't keep making the same mistake over and over again.

I think he has done you a favour by finally moving on, because I don't think you would have done it yourself. And be grateful that you aren't married, share debt, have three kids and a mortgage up the wazoo.

You have an opportunity here too much, much more with your life.

[sosadtoday92]

Jake, just to clarify- No he didn't cheat and I took him back. I DID not know about any of this until this week. We broke up for 3 weeks and he went to live with a male friend of ours. We talked through our issues, not moving in with another woman and then reconciled.. he did not let me know there had been anyone else in the picture.

[Jake2008]

OK, emotional cheating then? Inapporpriate behaviour, with other women? I really don't know what to call it either, but clearly, he is not dependable.

I can only tell you that I would not be able to emotionally manage my marriage, if my husband were emotionally involved with others.

I would tell him to go emotionally himself. :)

[vanheart]

Yeah he did.
Sounds like you are changing your story out of denial.

Regardless. I agree with everyone here.

You should have never taken him back.

Hes a liar. And used you.

Never speak to him again.

[wonderlife]

You know what I witnessed some common behaviors of a jerk, cheater, and liar type of guys? They alll have their ways to make everything seems to be not a big deal or even not their faults. Do they think it's wrong or feel guilty in what they have done (cheat, lie, treat us like craps)? No, if they feel that it's morally wrong, they just don't do it in the first place or keep doing it many times.

Don't even waste you heart and time on him and don't believe what he did to you was not a big deal like the way he tried to convince you and everyone else. At the same time, no point and useless to try to point out to him that he's the wrong one. This type of person, like I said above, they just don't care.

A loser you think you are? No, I don't think so. Forgive yourself as we all make mistakes in our life. Now what's to do next is the most important. If you continue to waste your time for months getting angry, sad, and feel defeated, you will finally become a real loser, which I don't think you want to be like that.

Finally, you are so lucky to know the real him now (far better than know it later and more time is wasted on him), so take it as an opportunity to get rid of him out of your life. Accept the fact, be positive, stay strong, put yourself together, and learn from this experience.

Regarding your question, yes, he is a cheater. More important thing to ask you here is "Do you want to become a winner?" If so, start all the process that will help you to move on without him in your life.

[sosadtoday92]

My BF of 3 years and I broke up in mid July for 3 weeks. We lived together and he moved out and stayed with a friend. During that time my mother died and he came with me for 6 days to handle everything, we spoke about our issues (I thought) and reconciled. Fast forward 3 weeks later and I am at home and Facebook is up, I think it is my account and a chat comes up form him saying "I miss the hell out of you right now". I thought it was for me. Then the response from a married with kids coworker comes up (she knows me) saying "My heart is literally aching. Can't stop thinking about you."

I wait until the next day.. hearing all of his morning I love yous- then call him and tell him. I was beside myself and told him he had to move out immediately. He said he loves me but is not in love with me and they did nothing physical when we were together and only kissed and hugged during the 3 weeks we were broken up. That their flirting lead to something more and they started hanging out in June secretly. I cried and yelled during the breakup and now feel like a fool. I wish I had handled it with dignity and grace.

It has been 3 weeks and I have been in NO Contact for 2. He has texted me a few times regarding stupid house stuff and sent me a letter last Wednesday that he will always remember the good times, he doesn't understand why I want nothing to do with him and he is sorry for the unfortunate events. I did not respond. I am in deep pain and per his facebook- he has found a new amazing place to live and he is "waiting, hoping, ready, wondering" whatever that means. I have been lied to and he appears so incredibly happy. Has anyone been through this?

And in his letter he asked for a lamp he left back. I did not respond, am I wrong for not getting it back to him? He owes me $$, but never brought that up.

[talaniman]

Arguing over possessions and loans will only keep the feelings stirred up, so you need to decide what's more important between the lamp, the money, and your own healing.

If it stops him from bugging you give him the lamp, forget the money, and move on. Or sell the lamp for the money, or tell him to give you the money or forget the lamp.

Whatever you decide to do, do it fast, and be done with this distracting useless drama.