[jaffeyjoeblaze]

Trust me I know how it feels to be tossed to the side and feel like your worth nothing thanks to HER... Keep up NC and talk to your friends and remember all the negatives in the relationship to realize that this is the best thing for the both of you...

[Devorameira]

You're doing the right thing. You can't buy her love. I know it hurts really bad, but you've done everything you can. Just continue with the NC and try to stay strong.

-------------------------------------

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"

[Jake2008]

Well, for what its worth now, I think you should have gone shopping with her. Spent the afternoon browsing, had lunch, left with good feelings, a nice day all around.

I personally don't think it has to be all or nothing. And I do not believe in one size fits all for healing of relationships that have run their course.

I believe you to be sincere, and kudo's to you for turning your life around. Talking to your parents again, gaining insight into your whole life, not just the part that involved her. Taking charge of your future, realizing your dreams- you are not the same person you were when you were, as you said, a lazy bastard.

It takes a great amount of soul searching to turn a life around, and you are doing that. You have taken responsibility for your share of the relationship breaking up, and on the other hand, you feel remorseful for your behaviour.

To me it is only natural that you would want to let her know that you are sorry for how you were, and that perhaps it was the breakup itself that has turned your life around and made you realize what you want out of it.

How you handle this is up to you, but I think you are a big enough man that at some point in the future, maybe when you actually start the courses in January, that if you decide to try again, even a coffee date, I hope you do.

[ChronicPain]

Wow Jake you really think so? Sometimes I feel it seems selfish of me but I asked her to go and then canceled after. How can I ask her again? She'll think Im trying to play games and I am not thinking straight. Have you had a past experience? I live in Toronto too

[amicon]

Chronic,the advice people give here is,to the best of my knowledge,based on personal experience,i.e. what has worked for us in situations similar to the one you're in now. For me NC worked wonders,it saw me back on my feet again only two months after a breakup. You must decide what you're going to do. Nobody else can make that decision for you.

[Jake2008]

I would give it some time for now, and leave things be, because it was cancelled.

When I read your post, I was impressed. Too many splits see people get involved with the same type of situations, over and over again, because the people themselves don't change, or recognize their shortcomings. So much of the time history keeps repeating itself because efforts are not made to see faults, and change negatives into positives.

People in relationships that are over, need closure in different ways. For some, it is no contact completely, block the person from your life, until, I presume you are strong enough to face them without falling apart, even accidentally.

For others, personal insight and self-understanding, realizes the damage that has been caused by one's own actions. It is important to apologize and extend the olive branch, in order to fully heal. Only then is it over, and your conscience will allow you to move on.

I suspect that you are the latter in this category. On her end, absence may indeed be healing her heart, but, I think it would be a very cathartic experience for her to know that you have turned the corner in your life, that there are no lingering resentments, and you are both going to be okay. To me, in my opinion, that is part of the healing when one or both parties in a split, take responsibility for what they contributed to the end.

Neither of you are anonymous to each other, like the fellow who dented your fender in the parking lot at the local grocery store. You exchange insurance information, the dent is fixed, end of story.

But a relationship is different. There will be lifelong memories, and always 'what if's', and if I read you right, your wanting to fully resolve any leftover issues, is a sign of maturiy, responsibility, and put simply, is the right thing to do.

No contact may prevent any 'new' pain, and allow you to heal in a more comfortable place, but eventually you have to resolve your actions, and how they contributed to the failure of the relationship.

In your case, you have done that, and I really see no harm in displaying that kind of confidence to her, spending a few hours, buying her the boots as a symbolic gesture, leaving on pleasant terms, and both of you going your separate ways.

[talaniman]

I seldom disagree with Jake, and even though I do now, her words have merit.

I just don't think your at that emotional point, nor ready to deal with this break up, on a level that allows you to think without guilt, or confusion over this situation.

Mistakes were made sure, but until you get beyond them, and can see the bigger picture clearly, no action is better than any that is based more on feelings, and not facts, and all the facts, are not before you yet.

They will be though.

[ChronicPain]

Hey guys I broke NC and I didn't mean to dishonor your advice. We are going to go shopping tomorrow and she asked me to take her to this one mall we always use to go together. She said to go as friends and I got her the pair of boots already as a token of appreciation. She seems really excited in her txt about shopping. But I do not know what I am getting myself into. Should I make any moves to try and hold her hands or should I just act like friends. One thing for sure is my head is not clear yet... Im sorry I let you guys down.

[amicon]

You don't have to apologize :-) you make your own decisions, however I think you may have acted out of false hope of getting back together.
You're going as friends and I think it's too soon after the breakup to attempt a friendship. The emotional dust hasn't settled yet and you're still hurting from the breakup.

[talaniman]

She said to go as friends and I got her the pair of boots already as a token of appreciation. She seems really excited in her text about shopping. But I do not know what I am getting myself into. Should I make any moves to try and hold her hands or should I just act like friends.

She said go as friends and any attempt you make at anything more, her boots might get to walking. Then where will you be? Better do as she says, since that's what your going to do any way.

Good Luck!!

[JBeaucaire]

My only comment is that it is unfortunate the time and energy you're spending on this. If you've really learned your lesson(s) and are ready to actually try to be a better boyfriend, I'd think you would want to get started as soon as possible with someone who hasn't already learned who are (or used to be).

The sooner you say "fare thee well" to this young lady and really mean it (you do want what is best for her, right?), then the sooner your next chapter starts and you get to find out what is really new about you and what isn't really changed... yet. For that, you'll need fresh eyes, fresh experiences, etc.

If you care about this girl, care enough to leave her alone and get on with your next chapter.

[ChronicPain]

Everyone here seems like they believe I stand no chance and Im just leading myself to another let down. Is there even the slightest chance I have? I have been so down it seems like time never passes.

[talaniman]

Everyone here seems like they believe I stand no chance

To get her back?? That's up to her.

To be happy? That's up to you.

I have been so down...

That has been everyone's point since you started this post. We know your down, and need to get up, and not depend on someone else to do what you should do for yourself. That's to be happy. That's what we all want, and we know so do you. But not if it depends on the good graces of someone else. That's not happiness, that's dependence.

... it seems like time never passes.

Time flies when your having fun!! You just have to learn how to have fun, no matter what life throws at you.

So you see it comes down to what everyone thinks will make you happy. You have your ideas, we have ours. We will see.

I honestly just hope you get what you need to be happy with yourself, the way you want to be.

[Jake2008]

I wouldn't do the hand holding, nor would I talk about the past, or make what should be a few hours out, into a 12 hour sort of thing.

Keep it simple, no expectations.

However, nothing ventured, nothing gained either.

My hope is that in seeing her, you can put some of your doubts to rest, and gain a better mindset for yourself.

[ChronicPain]

I believe you guys I honestly do. But how do you guys know my best chance if any to get her back is NC. What if she is just testing me to see if I really want to work things out and the only way for me to do it is to show her through dedication and honesty. I know the point of NC is heal myself but I was just wondering...

[talaniman]

But how do you guys know my best chance if any to get her back is NC.

You will never hear me say such nonsense. Using NC to get someone back is beyond garbage. Its for you to gain perspective and heal, so you can deal with your situation, and feelings in a better more rationale way.

Reread this whole thing, and you will see that no one gave you any advice to get her back, because we know that up to her, and changing someones mind thru No Contact is a game you don't want to play because that is manipulation.

So lets be clear, all the advice given to you is to help you see the facts, and deal with them accordingly.

Heck we don't even know the girl, but we do know human nature, and partners who want a break, have something else in mind, and getting back together is not one of them. Rarely is that the case.

Most here recognize it's a big red flag when you get dumped, and still blow in the breeze at the whim of an ex, usually has disastrous effects, but we understand how full of false hope you can be, and can only feel your own hurt and pain, and the solution you think is to get back what you lost.

I already know first hand the consequences of decisions made under those circumstances. More misery and pain and a tremendous loss of confidence and self esteem.

That's why I, and others, are here to tell you of our own experiences. Maybe it will help, maybe you won't listen, thats up to you.