[Wildcat21]

I may have been the one patronizing...

I wanted her to look at differently. Make sure it was really love.

Yes, communication is key. IF you can't do that, forget it!

[Jayjay027]

My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up a little over 2 months ago.
The reason we broke up is because we both thought we were very young to be committed, and we also thought we took each other for granted. We told each other we still loved each other, then confirmed the break up. (Im almost 20, he is 20)

I was and still am completely heartbroken about it. Im still madly in love with him but Im totally confused about how he feels about me.
After the break up, we still kept in touch via text and phone and saw each other a little while after - but we ended up sleeping together. And then we decided that we wanted to be friends and that we'd have to cut that out.
I knew I was still in love with him, so I told him how I felt and he said he didn't feel ready to be in a committed relationship at the minute but didn't want to lose me.

Anyway, since then we've seen each other about once a week, and we always end up sleeping together. I know you are going to say that we should stop seeing each other because it only leads to that, and I am aware of that so PLEASE don't point that out.

But Im confused. When we are together, if we are sitting together watching television, he would give me little kisses on the cheek or on my stomach or my arm etc or if I lean forward to get something, he would kiss my back or put his hand on my back... and he would put his arms around me. He just cuddles up to me a lot.
Also, I had a dream that I was pregnant with his child, and told him about it... usually he would get a little freaked out about something like that. But instead of his usual reaction he said "We would have beautiful kids...Im serious, if we had a child together I bet it would just be gorgeous and perfect" Then he told me he wants to marry me in 10 years. To that, I said "well if you expect me to sit around waitin on you for 10 years you have another thing coming"
Also, he found out he's losing his job, he always knew it was temporary but he was just told that next week is his last week, which really annoyed him because he's saving for a motorbike and has been really excited about it, and now he doesn't have that much money to spend.
But he called me last week and asked if I wanted to go to the movies and I told him I had no money and he said "Dont worry, I'll sort you out" So he took me to see the Da Vinci Code.
A few days later he asked me did I want to go out for lunch with him, and I told him I still didn't have any money - so he invited me up to his place and cooked lunch for me. He was very cuddly with me again, and told me he wanted me to spend the day with him.
So I stayed for dinner (which he bought)... and right before dinner he pulled me towards him and gave me a kiss... a long, passionate kiss right on the lips and then said "well lets go eat then..."
We generally only kiss when we're either about to have sex or are having sex. Other than that he ALWAYS kisses my hand before I leave him.

Also, later that night he already had plans to go out with his friends, and I got my shoes on and said "well enjoy your night then" and he was like "what?? are you not coming with us?" and he invited me to come out with him and his friends. I was at his place until 4am afterwards!

I'm really confused... because just after our break up he wasn't as cuddly - its only these past 2 weeks. He was usually happy sitting having a chat with me... now its like he has to cuddle me or hold me.
I was really confused by him saying about having a beautiful child and getting married in 10 years - because in the 2 years we were together he was such a commitment phobe - any talk of children or marriage and he freaked out completely.
Problem is... Just before all this, I told him I didn't want him as a boyfriend anymore and that I was happy enough being friends with benefits, and I've been playing hard to get. A few of his friends have also shown a bit of interest in me and he told me he was jealous of them for spendin a lot of time with me.

I don't know how he feels, he's different towards me lately, he's even different than he was when we were together. He's also telling me he loves me in subtle ways.
For example, we were eating marshmallows and he said "You know I love marshmallows...your my wee marshmallow" then I said in a jokey way "do you realise that you just told me you love me" and he shrugged his shoulders and said "yea I know"

Im confused. Should I keep playing hard to get? Should I keep pretendin Im not that interested in him anymore? Or should I tell him Im still in love with him... I've already done that and Im terribly stubborn... not to mention afraid of being rejected by him again!!
I'm so depressed without him, Im so lonely and so unhappy, and these little hints from him are like a ray of hope.
Please help me.

[s_cianci]

You need to make a firm decision as to what you want then confront him with that and inform him that nothing else will be acceptable. Just what do you want from him? It seems like you're sending out as many mixed messages as he is. He seems to enjoy your company but for some reason doesn't want to "take the plunge". You already invested 2 years in each other, then he tells you "he didnt feel ready to be in a committed relationship at the minute but didn't want to lose you", followed by he wants to marry you in "10 years." I certainly agree with your response to that in that he has another thought coming, expecting you to wait around for 10 years. Is he perhaps ambivalent because he doesn't have steady employment? What about you? Could the two of you manage to support yourselves financially? That's really the only legitimate reason for his "stalling" at this point. If that's not an issue then give him an ultimatum. Of course, be prepared to hear what you don't want to hear and then be prepared to walk away, for good. Otherwise he'll keep stringing you along for years to come all the while causing you more and more emotional harm.

[valinors_sorrow]

What is with this?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...r-25749-2.html
The age of your boyfriend seems to change by several years within days?
I am confused by that.

[Jayjay027]

^^ You are confusing me for someone else, the topic you linked up there was posted by someone named "tirednhurt86" and that's not me.

s cianci - we don't live together, we never did, and even if we were still together now, we wouldn't plan on moving in - not for a few years at least. So his job situation isn't the reason for us not being together.

[valinors_sorrow]

Oh you are right, I beg your pardon! :eek:

Please accept my apology.

I was feeling like I started in the middle of the story and tried looking back to see what was there, in order to better understand. And I compounded it by being in a hurry. :(

While this explains what happened, it doesn't excuse my mistake.
I will be more careful in the future. I am sincerely sorry. :o

[Jayjay027]

Haha don't worry about it, its all right. ;)

[talaniman]

Maybe you both should stop playing games with each others feelings and talk to each other.

[valinors_sorrow]

Maybe you both should stop playing games with each others feelings and talk to each other.

Sorry, got the spread message but I wanted to say..

Now there's a comment I wish I had made myself.
Accurate and succinct!

[Jayjay027]

I would do that, I would love to sit him down and tell him exactly how I feel.
But like I said, I've brought it up with him in the past and it hasn't amounted to anything. And although he is acting differently now, Im still terrified of being rejected again - because I love spending time with him still and I don't want that to stop.

[valinors_sorrow]

Only you can decide if that kind of uncertainty is worth it to you.

I have relationships with people who don't set up circumstances whereby I fear the loss of the relationship. If we have a disagreement, it gets cleared up or if its persistent we agree to disagree or if its big enough, we part. To maintain a kind of fearful atmoshere about whether a relationship continues is, in my book, a form of manipulation (or game as Talaniman said) and when I see it begin to show up in any relationship, I quietly distance myself and go find what I consider more "real" people to be around.

[Chery]

I would do that, I would love to sit him down and tell him exactly how I feel.
But like I said, I've brought it up with him in the past and it hasnt amounted to anything. And although he is acting differently now, Im still terrified of being rejected again - because I love spending time with him still and I dont want that to stop.

If you can be completely platonic about it, you can maintain a 'friendship', but it will take a strong person to do this.

Yes, you have been together a long time (to you) but you are only 20, and have not had enough experience to grow and reassess your values. You will have many dreams in the future - and that's as it should be. You are not obligated to formulate a thought at age 18, and stick to it for the remainder of your lives. This is just not the way things go. You are heartbroken about this split because it's always been convenient to 'have someone' there. Now you will have to spend time alone, deal with the pain, and learn what every one of us has learned - life goes on. Believe me, it will.

We all have had to deal with the loss and have survived it. You will too. Just allow yourself to go through the 'mourning' process and let the pain come. You might cry for days, but it will be relieved and you will be able to rest once that period is over. Spend time with family and friends to help comfort you in this.

All parents know what you are going through and can be super pillars of support - so take their loving arms, get real close and feel that comfort.

Yes, it is an end, but also the beginning of a new stage in your life. Accept it and grow in spite of it. Rejection is also a part of life - in all aspects. A 'no' can hurt, but cannot kill you - just make you stronger. And, when you think about it, the proper 'yes' from the right person will wipe all the 'no' replies away to nothingness.

Good luck dear, and please keep us posted.

My first fiancé and I still have a great online friendship - so it is possible. We don't expect you to see it yet, but you will.