[RaenieStar]

So, my boyfriend and I are having some sexual issues. Incoming novel.

Well, I'm having the issues, he doesn't seem to think he is involved. He's 25, and I'm 24. And I like to have sex way more often than he does. I'm not even talking about multiple times in one night (while that would be amazing). I'm just talking about maybe once a day, or even once every other day.

I guess I'm just tired of feeling like I'm the guy here. Yeah, I probably have a stronger libido than most women, but I never thought my urges were more than a guy could handle. I pretty much always initiate sex, or want to just be intimate with him (even if it's not sex/oral related). There is always some excuse. "My penis hurts. I have heartburn. My stomach hurts. I have a headache. My wrists are sore. My back hurts. Can you just give me oral instead?" Aren't those the things chicks usually say? Lol, minus the penis thing.

It goes further than that too! I can't even kiss him or just be affectionate towards him without him pushing me away or telling me to knock it off half the time. Sometimes, I just want to make out, lol. Or just be touched, have my hair played with, or something like that. But he always says I'm looking for more, or he doesn't want to be turned on.

What's totally sad, is that I can count four times he actually came on to me in our total 9 months together. Our first night together, once when he returned from family vacation, once when he returned from a family reunion trip, and once out of nowhere after I'd been sick for a week! Even more sad, is that every night usually starts and ends with the same story.

I lay in bed waiting for him while he's doing something else.
He comes to bed late, butI try kissing him anyway, or some other sort of stimulation.
He asks me something like, "what do you want?" With the raised eyebrow.
I will usually say something coy, or just smile and keep doing what I'm doing.
Then he drops his head back on the pillow and gives me one of the excuses.
I lay back and stare at the ceiling (I won't be able to sleep).
He'll attempt to hold my hand or give me a granny peck on the cheek to compensate.
Then he falls asleep.

If I get up and try to do something else to get my mind off it, he'll follow me around like a lost puppy asking me what I'm doing and begging me to come back to bed. Whaaaaat?? Ugh.

I've attempted to discuss this with him, but he takes it all out of context and thinks I'm blaming him for something or other. It's not that, I just want to know why he pushes me away so much. My friends say he is probably cheating on me, but I highly doubt that. He is at my apartment every night, and we work together, so it would be hard for him to do that without my noticing.

Anyway, I guess I'm just wondering if I sound like I'm being too pushy, or maybe I'm jaded into thinking I can keep going on like this. Is this type of thing normal, or maybe more common than I think? I'm starting to feel very unwanted, frustrated, and annoyed. :/

[Toluca_86]

Well, I would encourage you to think of this in ways other than simply "role reversal". According to the Kinsey research institute, male and female sex drives are overall similar, and there is significant variance between individuals (meaning there are plenty of females who want sex more than plenty of males, just that our culture doesn't encourage them to be open about it).

I think the best you can do is to talk to your guy about if he feels relationship problems/emotions are affecting his sex drive, or if there's anything he thinks you could do/change to make him want sex more often. If you guys can't work stuff out, and you're still frustrated... sexual incompatibility /is/ a valid reason to break up. It's your call, really.

[smoothy]

If you are only after it once a day then the dude has issues... Now if you were trying this 3 or more times a day then maybe you are wearing the guy out... but he is giving some pretty lame excuses from this guys perspective.

I don't think you are being pushy... I don't expect women to be totally subservient in bed... from the day I got married I always told my wife if she has an urge just tell me. Just as I would her. And she has even at 3 am she gets it when she needs it and has been basically the same towards me.

[BBWfromPhilly]

So, my boyfriend and I are having some sexual issues. Incoming novel.

Well, I'm having the issues, he doesn't seem to think he is involved. He's 25, and I'm 24. And I like to have sex way more often than he does. I'm not even talking about multiple times in one night (while that would be amazing). I'm just talking about maybe once a day, or even once every other day.

I guess I'm just tired of feeling like I'm the guy here. Yeah, I probably have a stronger libido than most women, but I never thought my urges were more than a guy could handle. I pretty much always initiate sex, or want to just be intimate with him (even if it's not sex/oral related). There is always some excuse. "My penis hurts. I have heartburn. My stomach hurts. I have a headache. My wrists are sore. My back hurts. Can you just give me oral instead?" Aren't those the things chicks usually say? lol, minus the penis thing.

It goes further than that too! I can't even kiss him or just be affectionate towards him without him pushing me away or telling me to knock it off half the time. Sometimes, I just want to make out, lol. Or just be touched, have my hair played with, or something like that. But he always says I'm looking for more, or he doesn't want to be turned on.

What's totally sad, is that I can count four times he actually came on to me in our total 9 months together. Our first night together, once when he returned from family vacation, once when he returned from a family reunion trip, and once out of nowhere after I'd been sick for a week! Even more sad, is that every night usually starts and ends with the same story.

I lay in bed waiting for him while he's doing something else.
He comes to bed late, butI try kissing him anyway, or some other sort of stimulation.
He asks me something like, "what do you want?" With the raised eyebrow.
I will usually say something coy, or just smile and keep doing what I'm doing.
Then he drops his head back on the pillow and gives me one of the excuses.
I lay back and stare at the ceiling (I won't be able to sleep).
He'll attempt to hold my hand or give me a granny peck on the cheek to compensate.
Then he falls asleep.

If I get up and try to do something else to get my mind off it, he'll follow me around like a lost puppy asking me what I'm doing and begging me to come back to bed. Whaaaaat??? Ugh.

I've attempted to discuss this with him, but he takes it all out of context and thinks I'm blaming him for something or other. It's not that, I just want to know why he pushes me away so much. My friends say he is probably cheating on me, but I highly doubt that. He is at my apartment every night, and we work together, so it would be hard for him to do that without my noticing.

Anyway, I guess I'm just wondering if I sound like I'm being too pushy, or maybe I'm jaded into thinking I can keep going on like this. Is this type of thing normal, or maybe more common than I think? I'm starting to feel very unwanted, frustrated, and annoyed. :/

You said he stays at your apt every night, and you work together. You also said he initiates sex with you after being apart from you for an extended time. It seems to me that making him sleep at his place would improve the situation... it certainly can't hurt it.

Tell him you think he doesn't feel for you the way you do for him and tell him you want him to stop coming over after work every day. Tell him maybe weekends would be a good time to spend time together, and then possibly he will have the space he needs to figure out how he feels.

I wouldn't take no for an answer on this. Give it a try. I, personally, feel he's playing games with you. It seems that he is afraid to be affectionate regularly for fear you might think he's committed to you. Maybe you two are just moving too fast for him and he doesn't know how to tell you.

[kp2171]

You clearly have a stronger drive than him. And if you search the threads here, you aren't alone. There are a lot of women in your place, unhappy, feeling neglected.

As stated in many other threads, lots of things can affect libido. Physical and/or mental stress. Depression. Drugs. Meds. High blood pressure. Lack of exercise. Too much masturbation. Poor sleep. And on and on... any of these a problem with him? Any issues in past relationships you know about?

I think sexual compatibility is a big thing to think about, especially at the start of a young relationship... because honestly, it doesn't get easier because you are married, or because you have kids. I love being married to a great woman, but marriage presents its own unique stresses. And there's no getting naked in the hallway with little ones scampering around unless you ship them to g'ma's for the night.

So... I'm not going to say ditch a guy because he is not intimate... but I'm not going to say don't. Not one bit.

There's a post on this board right now concerning a loving woman whose husband has become more and more distant sexually, and now its possible, even likely, that he is gay. Their world is just a wreck in the bedroom. That's an extreme example, but I think you are way too young to be begging for sex, so early, in such a young relationship.

My partners sex drive is lower than yours, partly due to the maddening hours she works. She's just exhausted. But if I treated her the way your guy is treating you... wed have some serious discussions about the health of our sex life.

It isn't just about the big "O"... you can do that yourself. Its about connecting to that other person. You want to kiss and fool around because it is direct, physical stimulation that reflects emotional attention. Its intense. Its primal and pure excitement.

And his treating you like you are a burden is bad news. The only reasons I can think he could act like this reasonably is if he is concerned about your getting pregnant, and this stress turns him off... or if there are other religious/cultural stigmas that find their way into the bedroom. If there are issues, he should be man enough to talk about them.

Short answer is you have reason to feel neglected, and you have real reason to wonder if he's a good match for you. Sexual intimacy is not all there is to a great relationship, but it helps a lot if you two are at least on the same planet. If he is neglectful now, I just don't know why it will ever get any better without resolving some unknown problem. Often, it gets more challenging and takes deliberate, intentional work to find time to make time.

My partner and I have been in ruts before. I had a spat with depression. She had physical problems. We both had libido crash for a time... but we talked through it and we at least desire to please each other. Sometimes my drive is higher, sometimes her is... but there is clear, honest desire to meet in the middle as best we can.

Right now you are doing all the heavy lifting in the bedroom and he doesn't seem to care. Not good.

[Choux]

Sounds like you went too fast with this relationship... this guy is looking for a mother, not a lover.

Also, it is difficult to maintain an affair with someone whom you work with all day and then he comes over at night. You know quickly if you want to make this person a life partner. Maybe this guy can introduce you to someone else. :D

[simoneaugie]

Too much togetherness could be part of the problem. I think that getting some space between you will help clarify what's really happening

My Ex-husband had those same excuses early on (yeah, his poor wrists, penis, stomach, back... ). Later he added the complaint that because I kept bringing up our sex life, I was a nagging turn-off.

Years later he told me that he figured out that by marrying me, he had made me a family member. You do not have sex with family members! (OK, that's weird!) The red flags were there from the beginning but I didn't see, or want to see that the relationship was just plain wrong for both of us. We were mismatched. I wanted sex and cuddling daily. He was more comfortable with physical contact every couple of months.

See and recognize the red flags in front of you presented by this relationship. They may always be present. Is that what you want?

[Xrayman]

Sorry but you sound too pushy. You may have to "look after your own needs" just back off for a while-he'll get back to you when he feels not so pressured-

Disclaimer: At the same time-he's giving you some pretty lame excuses-sometimes penis pain can be relieved easily...

Regards

[lella87]

No, I don't think she's being pushy. She's looking for love and affection from the guy she loves... how is that pushy?

Darling, I think the problem is that your spending too much time with him. Work and Night time? Sheesh.. Maybe he feels like he is being smothered because your always around.. And I think the reason he is being so cold is that he knows because your always around him, he can get it whenever he wants.

If this was happening to me.. Id do this.. Ignore him. Ive been in similar situations and it worked for me. Pretend like he isn't there around you (I know its hard, but it will make him think... 'Hey! Why has she backed off all of a sudden').. go about with your dayly business the same. Don't talk to him and look at him as much and make him come to you! Make him want your attention and your affection. But most importantly make him miss you.

If that doesn't work after you've tried talking to him babe, then I don't know what else will. But something's up. So maybe just give him his space... I know it hards but what's a few days?

[RaenieStar]

Thanks for the insight, everyone, I appreciate it.

One of the responses kind of took me by surprise. "...this guy is looking for a mother, not a lover."

I have often wondered this myself. He's very close to his family, and I'm not. Now that I'm thinking about it, I pretty much do everything his mother used to (and still sometimes does!) for him. (Cooking, making appointments, buying necessities, etc.)

I also agree with those of you that think we may be spending too much time together. I'm a very VERY independent person. We don't share all the same interests, naturally. But I like my space, and I like to be alone sometimes to relax and do things I want to do. I have never been willing to forego that in any relationship I have been in, but this time, now that I think about it, it's been different.

We both moved recently in a company re-location, halfway across the country. We weren't together then, but started seeing one another shortly after moving. I'm wondering if maybe this is playing a part in the problem. Maybe he is using me, because he misses his family, and needs a replacement?

Anyway, I tried to talk to him like some suggested, earlier tonight. I decided bed wasn't the place to do it. So I brought it up at his apartment, over a meal. I attempted to explain how I feel, not what I want, or want to happen.

His reaction was to become standoffish, and ask me why I don't give him oral sex as much as I used to. Which confuses me, because I do that at least once or twice a week... which still happens, in lieu of anything else!

Then he said something that hurt me. "You used to be the best girlfriend. Now you're just average." Kind of hit me out of left field. I can't figure out if he meant that, or if he was just saying something to shut me up. It kind of hit home though. I started crying, and he just got more frustrated and left the room. I don't understand... I was upset, and he turned it into something that I was doing wrong, without stating what exactly I was doing.

It was kind of like the time I let him take pictures of me, and he told me he put them in a file with his ex-girlfriend's pictures. Yeah, THOSE kind of pictures. I got upset that he still had ex pictures, let alone lumped me together with them. I asked him to please take my pictures out of there, or put hers somewhere else. He got mad, told me it wasn't my business, and to get over it. I started crying, he got even more upset, and left the room.

I don't know. Don't get me wrong, he is usually a wonderful guy. Keep in mind I'm only mentioning things that come to my head as I think about all of this. I'm pretty much new to family and having people that close to me, and I'm finding that I like the affection and things that come with it. I wonder if it's too new to me, and something I can't really handle.

I just don't understand how it all fell into place like this. Sorry that I type so much. I find that writing usually helps me to think things out. Thanks again, folks. <3

[smoothy]

With this last post its revealing a lot more about this guy... I think he is starting to sound pretty wrapped up in himself. And more than a bit calous about you and your feelings here.

It's time to take a step back and review this relationship in an honest manner. It seems to me he's not the guy for you. A boyfriend or husband (or girlfriend or wife) does not and should not behave in the manner he is. Everyone will have their off days, but it seems like this is his normal state.

Its easier to stick with what's familiar even when its bad than to get up and move on. I think that's why you are sticking around hoping he changes. I doubt he will.

[kp2171]

Man, if you were my sister id put him to the wall hard.

My gut says throw the lazy lover bum out... but I'm willing to talk it through...

First, great job not taking this discussion physically into the bedroom. It shows real thought on your part. Seriously, pat yourself on the back for that. Its really, really impressive and smart of you to try to keep arguments physically out of the bedroom.

Second, glad you like a balance in your life and are willing to have some personal time. My wife calls this my "cave time". Love her, love my son. Sometimes I just need to clear my head with nobody around. She gets the same thing... time to herself when she needs it. It is healthy to be a little selfish. I hope you back off being his maid/mommy/butler a bit. If that makes you an "average girlfriend" then he's really looking for a live-in-maid who gives lots of head. Might be OK for xxx movies, but here in realityland, it isn't exactly the stuff of your dreams.

When you confront someone with a real problem, and they turn it into "yeah well what about you?!" its not much different than the "takes one to know one!!" 2nd grade schoolyard comeback.

Its no fun hearing that there's problems in bed. If he didn't see this coming, or even if he had a clue, first time hearing it can be a shock. He acted really poorly, you did nothing wrong.

Now its time to try again if you are still interested. Tell him you guys need to talk this out without it becoming personal blows. Ask him what he wants. If its more oral, how much is enough? Is he willing to do the same for you? If his penis "hurts" is his tongue sprained too?? How often would he like to have sex? If things aren't as good as they were, what has changed? Is there an issue with intercourse? Worried about pregnancy? etc...

These are reasonable discussions. I've had this kind of talk with my partner. It can be done openly and honestly but you need to leave egos at the door and talk about this. If he isn't willing to do this and it just deteriorates into huffs, stomps, and insults... he isn't grown up yet enough for you.

Again, gut check says kick him to the curb. You don't have to fix his back problems, headaches, poor hurting penis (is he getting himself off too much? ), broken fingernails, ear wax, or whatever other excuse he decides to use to neglect you.

[BBWfromPhilly]

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

Then he said something that hurt me. "You used to be the best girlfriend. Now you're just average." Kind of hit me out of left field. I can't figure out if he meant that, or if he was just saying something to shut me up. It kind of hit home though. I started crying, and he just got more frustrated and left the room. I don't understand... I was upset, and he turned it into something that I was doing wrong, without stating what exactly I was doing.


PLEASE LEAVE THIS JERK BEHIND!

[Toluca_86]

Yeah. For real. "don't give enough oral sex" Does he give more than you do, or something?

Put your pics in a file with his ex's and told you?
What a douche.

And plus you cook and clean for him? Honey I'm sorry and I know it's really, really hard to hear and maybe harder to believe, but I'm having trouble imagining what else this guy could to do that could possibly balance all this a**holery and actually earn him the description of "nice".

[l12]

[QUOTE=RaenieStar]So, my boy
Sounds like my record... broken!! But you are younger and I've seen friends of my get their hair touched and be kissed and I wonder myself where that person is for me... your story is too close to mine... and it sucks. Especially when you want that person to want you like you want to be with them...

[simoneaugie]

What you described, the conversation over dinner could be a sign that he needs to grow up. My gut says VERBAL ABUSE! Yes, that was abuse. Being verbally abused makes you feel like you are always making mistakes. You end up feeling like you are the problem. When you shed tears or feel confused, it's somehow your fault that he has to leave the room. You're not at fault. He has issues.

And he is nice. In front of others, but not when alone with you. Not worth your time, or hurt. There are plenty of kind men, he is not one of them.

[RaenieStar]

I get it now. I didn't want to believe it, I guess.

My problem is I could tell people about the negative things, and have everyone think he's a big jerk. However, in my posts, I neglected to tell you about all of the other stuff involved, because, like everyone's story, there's a lot to it.

I guess I feel like I didn't do him justice. But I can see that in a situation like mine, I don't need to.

I did attempt to get him to talk to me without taking this as a personal issue, but rather something we needed to work on as a couple. He told me he was too stressed out, and didn't have energy (understandable, with some of his personal things going on). But I just wanted to talk. o.0 In compromise, I tried to "kiss and make up," just to temporarily heal the tension until we could talk.

Yeah. I kissed him, and he pushed me away and said his lips were chapped. That was the straw. Yanno, I never thought I'd let myself be one of those girls in this type of relationship. Fortunately, I'm not willing to stay where I don't see a future, regardless of how much I love him, or want it to work.

So, I'm done. In my line of work, I don't really get time to make friends, or do much aside from sleep, work, and maybe the occasional outing. It's hard to keep real friends that I do make, that I can actually talk to.

Thanks for helping me to figure this out. :)

[kp2171]

Yeah. I kissed him, and he pushed me away and said his lips were chapped.

Wow. unbelievable.

If anything, I'm glad you know this sooner than later. What a passive aggressive slug this guy is!

[smoothy]

wow. unbelievable.

I would have added a choice 4 letter word in the middle of those two words. This guy is a real tool.