[rowletta1]

My 5 year old has been doing this for about a year now. It use to be only at home, but now it's at school. She is in kindergarten and I have been called in to talk about the situation and have had several other phone calls from school saying that now she will not do her class work because she wants to finish! I just don't know what to do?? I have tried explaining to her that this is a private thing and if she must do it she needs to do so when she is alone. She is very rebellious though and it seems the more her teachers and I ask her not to the more she does it anyway. Any suggestions

[xsadxstarx]

What does finesh mean? Finish? And what's a private thing?

[rowletta1]

It was a spelling err! Thank you for pointing that out! A PRIVATE THING. Something that she can only do when she is alone! Not in front of others and certainly NOT in school. Private!

[aggie4life08]

What I want to know is how she knows how to do this? I have never heard of such a thing. If she is being so disobedient than you need to take action immediately and discipline her. Let her know that she is being punished if she continues to do this. You need to be firm! Take away her toys, put her in time out, don't let her have any fun! Starting something like this at such a young age is very alarming... you may have her see a councilor.

[envee505]

What I want to know is how she knows how to do this? I have never heard of such a thing. If she is being so disobedient than you need to take action immediately and discipline her. Let her know that she is being punished if she continues to do this. You need to be firm! Take away her toys, put her in time out, don't let her have any fun! Starting something like this at such a young age is very alarming... you may have her see a councilor.

I just wanted to chime to say that all children can begin this between 2-3... it is self discovery not alarming. I would just ask her peditrician for advice as she needs to learn it is not appropriate in public.

[Fr_Chuck]

Private thing? What about no you don't do that for a 5 year old. Please, I see the problem a parent who has been allowing it at home without telling them to stop it at this age.

You are a parent, just be one and make them stop

[bushg]

Rowletta I have 3 children. None of my kids ever did this. If one of mine did then we would have been off to see a doctor. Something is going on with your daughter. She is acting out for some reason and you need to find out why.

[rowletta1]

What I want to know is how she knows how to do this? I have never heard of such a thing. If she is being so disobedient than you need to take action immediately and discipline her. Let her know that she is being punished if she continues to do this. You need to be firm! Take away her toys, put her in time out, don't let her have any fun! Starting something like this at such a young age is very alarming... you may have her see a councilor.

I have no idea how she knows about this. I have ask her did someone teach you this, has someone touched you? Her school counselor has ask the same questions and she gives the same answer. She just figured it out on her own. It tickles her tummy and makes her feel good. I've been told NOT to tell her it's a bad thing! I've been told to ignore her, punish her, I have done all these things and nothing matters to her. She still continues to do it.

[rowletta1]

I have no idea how she knows about this. I have ask her did someone teach you this, has someone touched you? Her school counselor has ask the same questions and she gives the same answer. She just figured it out on her own. It tickles her tummy and makes her feel good. I've been told NOT to tell her it's a bad thing! I've been told to ignore her, punish her, I have done all these things and nothing matters to her. She still continues to do it.

[Fr_Chuck]

Tell her to stop, period, if she was opening the door and walking into the street you would stop her?? It is effecting school and I am sure children and family services will not believe someone is not touching her if they start getting invovled. No matter it is effecting her school and is not normal for her age ( a little touching but not all the time) The issue at this point was it was allowed too long to start with, and will be harder to stop. But firm punishment telling her no, not just not in public, but just NO>

[Fr_Chuck]

I am sorry it is not a "matter" that a 5 year old needs to be doing, and they don't need to be doing it in private at 5. I am sorry ( well not really sorry) but thinking this is OK for a 5 year old, and having birds and bees talk at 5 is very scar'ed in my opinoin, God only knows why are young people so messed up today.

[ISneezeFunny]

There's nothing wrong with a 5 year old doing this. I work in the hospital, and I've seen multiple cases in which parents come in and describe symptoms... and it ends up the kid is masturbating. The youngest I've seen is 6... but 5 may not be too far off. Parents want their kids to stop. Really, it's a phase. They either learn to stop or learn to control themselves or they just plain stop.

At the age of 5, to tell the kid that this is "something adults do" may aggravate the situation.

The best thing to do is to help control the situation and teach your child WHEN/WHERE to do this.

I understand why some of you are absolutely shocked about this, but to a child, it's nothing more than another hobby that they enjoy. Half the children the parents bring in don't know ANYTHING about sex, and simply don't even connect it to sex. They just do it... to them, it's like picking their noses.

[aggie4life08]

Tell her to stop, period, if she was opening the door and walking into the street you would stop her ??? It is effecting school and I am sure children and family services will not beleive someone is not touching her if they start getting invovled. No matter it is effecting her school and is not normal for her age ( alittle touching but not all the time) The issue at this point was it was allowed too long to start with, and will be harder to stop. but firm punishment telling her no, not just not in public, but just NO>

I agree with you! I have had six children and not a single one of them started something like this. A child doesn't just discover masturbation without a little help.

[simoneaugie]

I'd agree that telling her that it's wrong is a bad thing. Yes, kids can figure things like that out on their own. It's possible she has been abused in some way, but you don't know for sure. The problem is masturbating at school and being focused on that instead of her schoolwork.

It should be OK to do it at home, in her room if she is not disturbing anyone else. It is not OK to do it at school, in the classroom when the teacher is teaching. At that point, the appropriate thing for her to do, is to participate in the lesson with the rest of her class.

So, how do you get her to stop? Take away something that is even more important to her. Let her know when she can do it and when she can't. Become a 'police mommy'. Let her have the "important" thing only when she has complied with your rules. Don't let other's opinions get in the way of what is simply discipline between you, and your child. Refuse to let embarrassment interfere. She is using that against all of the adults in her world so that she can do exactly what she wants.

What would you do if she repeatedly broke your dishware or hid the TV remote? She is strong. She will probably be a very capable and intelligent adult. But you have to be the big meany now. She will learn to discipline herself. Right now, she does not know how.

[Laceybear_]

She's just sexually active with this sexual environment that she is growing up in.
With media and such.

[LifePaparazzi]

I agree with you! I have had six children and not a single one of them started something like this. A child doesn't just discover masturbation without a little help.

Sorry, that is a very ignorant thing to say. I raised four kids, and only one of them, we discovered, mastrubated at a very early age. But I did not teach, encourage nor allow them to be exposed to such an idea, at such a tender age.

Children are naturally curious about their bodies. Some discover, very early on, that touching that part of the body feels good. So by all means, let us punish our children for simply discoverying their body.

The stigma that society has placed on mastrubation is long outdated. Benefits of doing so have been scientifically proven. Also, I can clearly remember being in kindergarten and talking to another chilc about how good certain actions feel. But I came from a very conservative and Christian home. My parents did not tolerate bad behavior. I was simply tought that is was a sin.

Luckily I grew up without emotional scars due to this. But as for seeing this somewhere else, prior to then.. fat chance. So to say that your six children did not do it, is like saying, "If my children don't do it, others don't either. But if they do, its someone elses fault" Come on, this is the 21 Century. Let's leve the personal opinions about this mother out of this discussion. Let us concentrate on her question. How does she teach her child not to do this in public?

[lacuran8626]

I think it's perfectly fine to tell her what you have - that is a private thing and you only do it when you are alone. Treat her doing it in front of you, other family members and at school as a discipline issue and do not tolerate it.

Have her do a time-out with her hands flat on the table in front of her every time she does this in front of someone. Give her a reward for days when she doesn't do this. You can call it "being a lady".

Include a few different things in "being a lady" like not letting people see your underwear, not touching private places on your body in front of other people, closing the door when you're in the bathroom, keeping your legs together when you are wear a dress and so on.

I think there's a fear that children will be emotionally damaged if they are made to feel dirty about their bodies. You can be very matter of fact about this just like if she was taking cookies without permission, or spitting on the sidewalk, or using words you don't approve of without making her have all kinds of emotional damage.

It's not acceptable and all she needs to hear from you is, "That's not acceptable. Sit down at the table and do not take either hand off that table top." For subsequent offenses just say, "Mary, hands on the table. Time out."

When the time out is done, tell her what the consequence will be if she does it again. "Mary, if you do that again today you will loose (whatever privaledge...getting to see Barney or whatever)." Then follow through. Even if she stops immediately, if you catch her, no Barney until tomorrow.

If you treat it just like any other unacceptable behavior, it will blend in with all the other lessons she's learning and will not create a stigma for her.

Some parents would disagree with me but I think a light slap on the back of the hand might make an impression. I'm not talking about makign a bruise or real pain here... just an assertive gesture that lets her know that you mean business. Sometimes a verbal cue combined with a physical cue makes a stronger impression.


Another thing you should consider is whether there's a reason she needs so much self-comforting. It is not sexual at this age, it's a comfort thing in my opinion (which is not professional by any means... I just read a lot). Do you and your husband argue a lot? Does she get teased by other kids? Are there other turbulent issues in the house?

Give her appropriate physical attention and be particularly vigilant about ensuring that she does not see inappropriate imagery on television, etc. She is clearly sensitive to these things.

[N0help4u]

I am not exactly sure how she can be doing that in her classroom. Don't the kids make her feel funny about it?
When I was in grade school if anybody acted out of the 'norm' the teacher parked their chair right next to her desk
And if they still did unacceptable things they were taken to the office and had to do their work sitting next to the Principal and staff. She needs some kind of social consequences to see that if she wants to be treated the 'norm' she can't be doing certain behaviors.

[Emland]

Have you had a look at her vagina to make sure she isn't suffering from an irritation or infection? My daughter is very sensitive to certain types of toilet paper and can't have bubble bath because it irritates her. The irritation became noticiable when I was constantly having to tell her to stop putting her fingers in her crotch. She was itchy and was scratching, which looked a lot like masturbation.

Please check her. It might be as simple as changing brands of TP.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

I agree with you! I have had six children and not a single one of them started something like this. A child doesn't just discover masturbation without a little help.

That's not true at all. I started when I was 6 and no EVER 'helped' me. At the time, I didn't know what it was called and the real meaning behind it but I was doing it because I am human, and ALL humans are born sexual. I was never sexually abused either. You know what is funny, I never had the 'birds and bees talk' until I was 10 and I have a very healthy view of sex. Just because your' 6 kids out of billions didn't do this doesn't mean others didn't. Like previous posts said, some kids discover their bodies and what makes them feel good at an early age and some don't.