[EuRa]

I had been dating this girl for 1 year and 8 months now. I recently took a job in Killington, Vermont. She's still in New York, and although she cried and cried on the phone about the distance, it really wasn't all that bad. We started getting used to it.

Anyway, I wasn't a great boyfriend. I never cheated on her or saw other girls, but I liked talking to them now and then. The farthest I've ever gone is getting a number, but I never called it. I don't know why I did it. For the attention maybe?

Anyway, it's because of actions like that, and what I said, that drove her further and further away. I told her I loved her... which was a HUGE step for me (back in August), and only said it about 6-7 times since. It's very hard for me to say. I really wanted to wait until I got engaged to say it. But also, she'd go to kiss me, and id push away. Or she would try to hug me, and id push away. All I wanted was for her to chase me a little, be a little playful and FORCE a kiss of hug, then I'd for sure give one back. :)

Anyway, she recently moved to a new place in New York. Last week (the 20th) was her birthday. I've never gotten jewelry for a girl before (I'm 27, isn't that sad?) but I ended up buying her this REALLY NICE heart necklace with diamonds in it. Looks good! I really wanted to surprise her for her Birthday. For Christmas, I don't know what I was going to get. But the necklace was a big step for me as well.

Anyway, she ended up dumping me on Sunday, 4 days before her birthday, and 8 days before Christmas. We talked that day and the next 2 days. We were both crying profusely. She told me "I'm sick of not knowing where I stand in your life" -and- "I know you aren't in love with me." -and- "I deserve better treatment"... she does, I agree. I was starting to come around and treat her better since her grandfather died... the really opened my eyes for some reason. But that's too little too late. The last time we talked, she asked me to give her space. I've read other threads on this forum, OK I get what that means now. I sent her 1 text message on Christmas Eve, asking her to call. She responded with a MySpace message saying she still needed space. That's the last time I tried to contact her.

So here's where I'm at. The pain has gone away, and I started eating again. I lost a lot of weight, and started working out to get her off my mind. It's not easy, she's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last before I go to sleep. I've been writing in a journal too, which has helped keep me from calling her. I keep staring at the phone though, waiting for it to ring. Im such a sap. I still have her necklace. I also bought a card to mail to her... but haven't sent it out yet. I don't know if I should anymore.

So that's that. I'd love to hear some opinions! If you have questions, feel free to ask, and I shall respond when I see them. Ty.

[kuulski]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I have been apart from my Ex for 4 months of NC which was actually just broken but you can see it took 4 months for her to feel she had enough space I guess. Anyway You should focus on you and make sure you are OK. Focus on your job and your life if it is meant to be she will be back I am sure. The numbers thing could be an issue maybe she doesn't trust u. Space also could be an issue. But regardless you need the time to focus on you. Good Luck!

[ISneezeFunny]

Why did you guys break up..

Look at sticky in RELATIONSHIP forum.

Don't send card. Don't text. Don't call. She wants space, give it to her. Return necklace if you can...

Two things will happen:

1. she'll miss you and say LET'S GET BACK TOGETHER... in which case, it's on you... mainly because I'm not sure why you guys broke up (except the whole "pushing further away")... but was that it?

2. you two will both forget about each other and move on. In which case, you're already on your way to be independent.

[ISneezeFunny]

@ kuulski:

4 months? How long did you guys date..

[EuRa]

why did you guys break up...?

Because she thought she was giving everything for this relationship to work, and thought I wasn't giving anything. She was putting me FIRST in her life, and I really wasn't doing that in return. She said "I know you don't love me."

I disagree though. I was planning to move in with her in 3 months (when I move back to New York) and I wanted to propose to her in the Summer. I had all these plans. Now I feel like... they are gone.

[kuulski]

@ kuulski:

4 months? how long did you guys date...?

We dated for 2 years. She just shot me an email out of nowhere. This was yesterday I contemplated not responding but didn't want to get caught up in games. Decided to respond it was a simple hello. Now she is asking allot of questions lol. I have kept everything short and sweet to minimize any stress even talking to her may cause me.:D

[ISneezeFunny]

Good. Keep your head up, and don't go out of your way. You seem to know what you're doing.

4 months of space after 2 years... hmm... just out of curiosity, you know if there was another guy for 4 months?

I ask this for my sake. My posts... are long. But in a nutshell: 3 years. I was her first everything. First boyfriend too. Out of the blue, I got blindsided. 3 days later, she has a new guy.

Now, she handled the situation... very badly. Just bad. She's a sweet and rational girl, but this time... I don't even know who she is. I don't want her back. But I just wanted to know how long it takes for girls to realize... $hit... I made a mistake.

[kuulski]

good. keep your head up, and don't go out of your way. you seem to know what you're doing.

4 months of space after 2 years...hmm....just outta curiosity, you know if there was another guy for 4 months?

i ask this for my sake. my posts...are long. but in a nutshell: 3 years. i was her first everything. first boyfriend too. out of the blue, i got blindsided. 3 days later, she has a new guy.

now, she handled the situation...very badly. just bad. she's a sweet and rational girl, but this time...i dont even know who she is. i dont want her back. but i just wanted to know how long it takes for girls to realize...$hit...i made a mistake.

I am trying but she keeps MESSAGIN ME! Lol. I don't think there was another guy but I wouldn't doubt it. Only because I assume the worst in these situations mostly because of past experience. She seems different handled everything well as far as the NC and all. I think the Key is not focusing on when will they realize anything but when will you be OK with the situation as is? You need time to heel took me 4 months to almost heel which is why I am hesitant to maintain any regular contact right now. The kuul thing is she is initiating all contact the past couple days but if she tries to get deep or ask personal questions I will retract. I just don't think I can handle the letdown if she is not interested in working things out. I would rather keep my distance be safe and hope for the best which is me being happy :>) We also didn't end things on bad terms just the past 12 months have been pretty rough for me and she was there with me until the end.. So I have no reason to think she was with anybody else but I have been :>) not sure if it was wise but hey a man has needs lol. Also me and her have always been good friends we were friends before we got together so I could see her initiating contact just to be friends which also would hurt and I don't think I am ready for.

[talaniman]

Man, you sound like such a nice guy, that I hate to put you through this, but fact is she asked for space twice, so now keep doing what your doing, and give her what she wants. Between the little things you could have done a bit better, the distance, and her moving and being independent, and YOUNG, she needs time to figure out who she is. Stay busy and enjoy being single and keep a healthy, happy, balanced life filled with friends and activities. Work hard and time will do the rest. I think this is her loss, but maybe its for the best, as you need to be able to move on, IF she calls, you will at least be able to decide if the wait was worth it, or you see better things on the horizon. Good Luck guy but its in your interest to chalk it up, learn to let 'em hug you, and seek a more suitable partner. She sounds a bit needy and hard to communicate with, as your actions were misinterpreted by her.

[mafiaangel180]

Let's weigh the facts... you were with this girl for 1 year and 8 months, you've only said "I love you" 6 or 7 times, you pushed her away when she tried to hug and kiss you. I honestly can't believe you guys made it THAT long. Seriously, if my guy did that, I would think he was definitely not interested. I would send her the necklace and a nice long letter to get stuff off your chest and then get on with your life. Just chalk it up to experience.

[aiyerrc]

Let's weigh the facts....you were with this girl for 1 year and 8 months, you've only said "I love you" 6 or 7 times, you pushed her away when she tried to hug and kiss you. I honestly can't believe you guys made it THAT long. Seriously, if my guy did that, I would think he was definately not interested. I would send her the necklace and a nice long letter to get stuff off your chest and then get on with your life. Just chalk it up to experience.

Mafia, your taking that out of context

I understand completely what he's talking about when he talks about the hug/kiss/push thing. It's a way of flirting, or teasing, meant to be light-hearted and playful.

I completely disdagree with mafia, as would many people here..

Go NC, give her the space...

Basicallly exactly what tala said

[EuRa]

mafia, your taking that out of context

i understand completely what hes talking about when he talks about the hug/kiss/push thing. its a way of flirting, or teasing, meant to be light-hearted and playful.

i completely disdagree with mafia, as would many people here..

go NC, give her the space...

basicallly exactly what tala said

Yeah the pulling away for kiss and hug thing, I was just being playful. I didn't pull far, just a tad. I didn't push her away, I never used my arms. I was just being playful. Sometimes she would catch on, most of the time she wouldn't. She didn't get me a lot of the times. :<

And I didn't tell her that I loved her because I don't want to just throw it around willy-nilly and not have it mean anything. In my perversed opinion, love is meant for marriage. I want to save it for my wife and nobody else. I was going to propose to this girl, so I know it would have come out a lot when it finally happened. I just wasn't ready to say it, even though I felt it. If I got married to a woman, and told her I saved all the "i love you's" in my life for her, wouldn't she feel special? That was my plan. I don't know, maybe I'm all backwards.

[talaniman]

No your not, wrong girl though. At least your finding that out.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

She told me "I'm sick of not knowing where I stand in your life" -and- "I know you aren't in love with me." -and- "I deserve better treatment"... she does, I agree.

I had one of these. She was really in love with me and I think the same pertains in your case. She wanted to move things forward as in eventually get married, but she had to make a decision and that was move on because she didn't think it was going to happen with me. She needs the space to get over you.

The ball is in your court, if you really want her she's yours, but if you don't, don't waste her time.

[s_cianci]

Give her the space like she asked. She needs some time to miss you and you need some time to miss her (or not.) Time has a way of clearing things up and eventually you'll figure out whether it's worth getting back together or just moving on.

[George_1950]

I wouldn't give her any jewelry or send her any cards. "Anyway, she ended up dumping me on Sunday, 4 days before her birthday, and 8 days before Christmas." You see, she is not thinking about you at all; she's thinking about herself. I don't think she is treating you well at all. Give her all the time and space she needs.

[talaniman]

We often don't, or can't see the real person, and what they feel sometimes. That's because we build up our own images, and lose what's real, as sometimes the clues are small, and any red flag is ignored. Its easy to find fault with others, or ourselves, after the stress and rejection of a break up. Our feelings are intense, and we see everything, true or false. That's what no contact is about, letting the emotional dust settle, and be patient, it takes time, especially if your experience, and coping skills are limited.

[George_1950]

Good words, Talaniman: "Thats what no contact is about, letting the emotional dust settle, and be patient, it takes time, especially if your experience, and coping skills are limited." As time passes, you will have fewer signs to be confused about, and give yourself time to digest the emotional stew you are in. I don't believe she will love you any less.

[talaniman]

Sometimes we are in so much pain, we don't realise the pain the other person may be in. As that pain, affects your thinking, ever think it affects theirs too?

[George_1950]

I have a hard time grasping that both parties are in pain. There is the story of "Romeo and Juliet"; but I am thinking most of the pain, if not all, comes from lack of mutuality in the relationship. In other words, someone is more in love than the other, and the one 'lesser-in-love' holds the power and does the dumping. And some of the 'lesser-in-lovers' are really just toying with the relationship, using the other person for company or to ward off loneliness.