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Christoph · Jul 28, 2007, 12:21 PM

So it goes like this…..

I am thirty and I should know better. I have been around the block many times, and you would think that age and experience would make it easier, but I'm not sure that it does.

I moved here last year to go to grad school, and found a nice roommate with two beautiful little girls. We'll call her Amy, and she's 29. Amy was recently divorced and we became fast friends. And then, slowly, friends turned into something more – roommates with benefits, we'll call it.

Last summer I met a girl who was visiting from Europe for three months, and we had a relationship. My roommate went ballistic. I was totally surprised because we had talked about having an open relationship and, as it turned out, that was just talk. She went crazy and I ignored her and was totally, completely selfish and self-absorbed.

After the European girl left, Amy and I somehow managed to patch things up. Sort of… she wanted commitment, a future together, she wanted something solid and long-term. I hesitated because I didn't want to be tied down to one girl, or one place. I wanted the freedom to move when I graduated to look for work and adventure.

And then she met another guy, we'll call him James. James is a is a mail man (read steady job), has a motorcycle and plays drums. She told me about him and told me that she would like to date him and I said okay.

And then they went camping and I lost it. They have been spending a lot of time together recently. As I write this they are off for the weekend together……

I have been away for three weeks and have taken the time to really think very carefully about this, and what I've realized is that Amy is the best thing in my life. I love her with all of my heart. And it took her seeing another man for me to realize this. And now I'm afraid it's too late.

I was going to find a new place to live, but she begged me to stay. She says she's confused, she says she still loves me, she says she needs time, she says to trust her, she says she's so angry with me.

I don't know what to do….. I don't know if I should stay and hope that things work out between us (or even if I have the strength to do that), or if I should just run for my life and get it right next time. The thing is, I love her and she's worth it. But how long can I do this? What do I do now? (Or what don't I do?)

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I would really appreciate your ideas and opinions.

Chris

GlindaofOz · Jul 28, 2007, 12:28 PM

I would step back. If James is the right guy for her and she's happy there is no reason to get in the way of her happiness. You say so yourself that it took another man in the picture to realize your feelings, in my opinion when that happens its reactionary feelings not necessarily real feelings.

You need to move out and distance yourself from this situation. Until you do that the both of you are going to be confused, jumbled messes. You need space to see how you really feel and for her to figure out what she really wants.

Canada_Sweety · Jul 28, 2007, 01:18 PM

If I were in your shoes, I would move along... step aside and let her date said mail man. She clearly wanted you mainly for benefits... and it seems that you deserve better then that. Just move along and find someone and and do not let her go when "Amy" gets back.

Ash123 · Jul 28, 2007, 01:44 PM

Messy.
Wait at least 6 months and see how you feel and if guy #2 is still in picture.
Chasing her is a bit late at this point.
If you get a moment - tell her how you feel and how stupid you were (and
Hope for a response now or later) but don't be surprised if it falls on deaf ears.
You all kind of dared each other and both took the dare.
If she is the one for you she'll come back.

talaniman · Jul 29, 2007, 10:34 AM

This whole mess make me think RUN as far as you can. Having sex with Amy clouded everyone's objectivity, and brought out a lot of emotional responses, made worse by first you, then her seeking others, that further confused you both. Back away from this whole thing until the emotions settle down, and you both can see more clearly what it is you each want, and have.

Ash123 · Jul 29, 2007, 10:49 AM

I like the title of this thread.

Kind of reminds me of an Off-Broadway Play!
Hope the ending turns out how you want it!

Christoph · Jul 29, 2007, 11:24 AM

Thanks for all of your responses - I really appreciate them and need to hear them.

I guess I was hoping for the impossible. That somehow I would have the inner-strength to see this through. She says that James in just temporary, but I don't know if that's true. And even if it is, I don't know if I can weather the storm.

She gets back tonight from her weekend away with him. I'm not even sure she will come home. Messy indeed!

Ash123 · Jul 29, 2007, 12:40 PM

After re-reading your post I think it's probably best to just let this one go.
I think you all started of with some unrealistic expectations and are trying to make it all good now.

In any case, It's 100% on her, so at least you know (or should begin to accept) it's out of your hands.
If she returns - great. But there is no action that could hasten it.

s_cianci · Jul 29, 2007, 01:20 PM

It sounds like you and Amy had inconsistent expectations of each other from the start. If you really feel that you want a future with Amy then you and she need to have a heart-to-heart talk and lay everything on the table. Make sure that your expectations and needs are crystal clear and that you and Amy are on the same wavelength.

Christoph · Jul 29, 2007, 02:39 PM

Well thanks again guys. I really appreciate your time and your thoughts.

It's true – “Amy” and I have to have a heart-to-heart, and I suspect that I’m not going to like what I hear.

Most of you here are going to shake your heads at me, but I just fired her off an email, sort of setting the stage for a talk. I laid it out, told her how I felt, and told her I would back off if that's what she needed.

Pathetic, I know. But she’s worth the stretch…..

chuff · Jul 29, 2007, 04:49 PM

I think what you are really afraid of is not losing her, but facing the unknown. You've become accustomed to having her around, your entering a new period in your life now in your 30's, and you are going to be graduating grad school soon. You have a variety of new things happening and it's all fresh and new and unknown. I think if you really take a step back and look it's not her you feel like you are going to miss, it is the feeling of giving up something that you have grown used to.

happylady123 · Jul 31, 2007, 07:46 AM

It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants and may not ever know. You should talk to Amy and tell her how you feel and that you just can't wait. If this situation is hard on you, you shouldn't have to wait for her to make up her mind, she should already know. I would move on with life and if it were me I'd move out. Good luck.

chelisimo · Jul 31, 2007, 01:58 PM

Ah Chris,
Nice roommate, romantic evenings, no responsibility... nothing wrong with that. A new girl from Europe, why not it is all about you anyway, but the roommate did not like it, someone is invading her territory. Now she found someone new, someone invaded your territory and now you realize that she is the one, you love her and don't want to loose her. Chris you do not love her and she does not love you, so, go on with your life and will do as well with her. You mentioned you are 30 and should know better, life is not about age it is about maturity and males take a lot longer to get it, believe me, I know.
Chelisimo

dcole · Jul 31, 2007, 08:05 PM

Chris, you need to move out and get some space and your head together if you want to figure out if you really love this girl or not. It's always great to have friends (or roomates) with benefits... but you'll find that women have a hard time separately the sex from the intimate. Honestly, I'm not convinced that you love her but that she found another guy made you insecure. So if you were in a relationship with this woman, it doesn't make sense to be living with her so quickly - then I would advise that you move out and see what happens. If either one of you decide that you can't be together, you'll have to move out anyhow since you crossed the real 'roommate' line by sleeping together. Good luck.

SpawnOfAzazel · Jul 31, 2007, 08:22 PM

The thing I don't understand is, why are you going ballistic when you're the one who did it first?
Hate to say it, but no matter how many times people claim to have an "open relationship", it almost never is.
I think you should wait it out for a while and see if this James is the real deal with her, or if she was seeing him just to get revenge on you. Time will tell.