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MrsHec4 · Jul 26, 2007, 08:31 AM

I have been married for 11 months. I was really looking forward to my one year anniversary. I just found out that my husband cheated on me with someone who was supposed to be my friend. We (the so- called friend and I) live in different states. My husband told me it started when he needed some advice on an anniversary gift for me. He contacted her for help and somehow ended up telling her details about some of the issues we were having. She took it upon herself to initiate a relationship with my husband. She told him lies about me and how I felt about him and him knowing how close we used to be believed her. She was unhappy in her current relationship and I guess she thought breaking up my marriage and stealing my husband would be a cure for her heartache. Now after the whole thing is out in the open and I know the truth, I've confronted them both, it seems she's in love with him but he was just confused and vulnerable and took advantage of him. He says he's not in love with her and doesn't want to be with her and wants to work things out with me. I'm so confused I just don't know what to do. These are two people that I cared deeply for and they conspired together to break my heart. He's never been unfaithful before, should I give him one chance to make it right? Or should I just cut my losses and get out while I still have my sanity? I truly do love my husband and I know he loves me but its really hard for me to trust him right now.

HaRLoS · Jul 26, 2007, 08:53 AM

If he is sorry and she was saying lies about you. I think you should give him another chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. You said he was feeling vunerable, I'm not saying its not his fault, cause it is, as long as he realizes that and is truly sorry about what he has done. Than you should get over the past and try to work it out. Same for him and the friend.

NowWhat · Jul 26, 2007, 09:14 AM

It is easy to blame the other woman. But, your husband allowed this to happen. Vulnerable or not. If he was hearing things about you - then he should have come to you and talked to you about it.
Should you give him another chance? Well, you have to follow your heart on that one. IF you think you can get past this and leave it in the past - then give him another shot. If not, then you need to move on. This kind of thing will eat at you until you go crazy. But, like I said, if you can truly move forward and FORGIVE then you have something to save.
I would go to counseling and figure out why he just took this woman's word for everything she said and didn't have the faith in you to come to you.
Recovering from an affair is a long and painful road. Talking it out with a 3rd party is very helpful.
Good Luck.

always_hot · Jul 26, 2007, 03:56 PM

What he has no self control. You have only been married for 11 months and he's already cheated. Do you honestly think it's not going to happen again. You already know what to do. I'm sorry that this happened to you and anybody else out there that this has happened to.

MrsHec4 · Jul 27, 2007, 07:50 AM

Thanks for all your help and advice I now see how differently people view certain situations. I don't think I could ever forgive my so-called friend I've decided to cut her out of my life for good as if she never existed. She took advantage of my husband while he was trying to get her help and advice about how he could make things better with me. He was definitely wrong but I do believe he is sorry. I am going to make an attempt to forgive him and work things out. I may change my mind later on but I don't want to give up on my marriage just yet. Im not ready to walk away. If he truly wanted to be with her he could have but he chose to work it out with me and dismiss her altogether. Its going to be a long time before I can trust him but I'm willing to try. Thanks again for all your advice.

LearningAsIGo · Jul 27, 2007, 07:56 AM

I'm sorry because you might not want to hear this, but...

Is he sorry or just sorry he got caught? Its never okay to cheat on a spouse and imo, its worse that it only took him 11 months to do it. I'm confused though... you're in different states and he called her.. but then cheated? Did he fly/drive to be with her? That's a lot of work and I doubt it spiraled out of control after a single phone call.

You can only judge for yourself so if you want to work it out, good for you. Personally, if I couldn't trust my husband, we wouldn't have a relationship to work on. Trust is #1 in my book and he stomped on yours.
Either way, good luck to you.

MrsHec4 · Jul 28, 2007, 10:35 AM

I believe that he is genuinely sorry about the whole situation but I do wonder how long it would have continued if I hadn't found out when I did? She flew down to be with him while I was away visiting my family in NY. It wasn't a single phone call it was many the thing that hurt most was the fact that I suspected something and I confronted him about it. I felt that he should have ended it then if he really felt that what he was doing was wrong but he didn't. He waited until I found out. Now that he's ended it and we've talked he says he wants to be with me and only me she won't stop calling. He told her that he doesn't want her and if he did he would have let me just walk out when I packed my bags. I want to truly believe that he wants to work things out with me but I still don't know where it all went wrong or why this started in the first place.

HaRLoS · Jul 28, 2007, 10:39 AM

LEAVE HIM! Once a cheater always a cheater. He may have stopped with your "friend" but next time you go away, he will most likley do it again. You can find someone who won't hurt you!

NowWhat · Jul 28, 2007, 10:40 AM

You may never figure out what went wrong or why. THese are the questions that don't always have an answer.
Have you talked to this girl? Let her know to back off? If not - do it. Trust will not come back over night - it will have to be earned back.
I would suggest counseling. You will find it helpful.

dcole · Jul 28, 2007, 08:23 PM

Originally Posted by MrsHec4

I have been married for 11 months. I was really looking forward to my one year anniversary. I just found out that my husband cheated on me with someone who was supposed to be my friend. We (the so- called friend and I) live in different states. My husband told me it started when he needed some advice on an anniversary gift for me. He contacted her for help and somehow ended up telling her details about some of the issues we were having. She took it upon herself to initiate a relationship with my husband. She told him lies about me and how i felt about him and him knowing how close we used to be believed her. She was unhappy in her current relationship and i guess she thought breaking up my marriage and stealing my husband would be a cure for her heartache. Now after the whole thing is out in the open and I know the truth, I've confronted them both, it seems she's in love with him but he was just confused and vulnerable and took advantage of him. He says he's not in love with her and doesn't want to be with her and wants to work things out with me. I'm so confused I just dont know what to do. These are two people that I cared deeply for and they conspired together to break my heart. He's never been unfaithful before, should I give him one chance to make it right? or should I just cut my losses and get out while i still have my sanity?? I truly do love my husband and I know he loves me but its really hard for me to trust him right now.

It seems as though you are making quite a few excuses for your husband's cheating. I can understand why since you still love him and obviously want to make it work. So I think that you should stay and work on your marriage and give him one more chance. But keep your eyes and ears open. He was not so innocent is his affair. I would do everything you can to fix things between the two of you and see if he's really willing to earn back your trust. If he really wants to make it work, he'll make his life transparent to you. If you notice any sneaky behavior, you'll have your answer and can move on with your life. Hopefully he won't waste too much time showing his true character.

The cynical side of me would suggest asking your so called friend to try and meet with him again and see if he would actually meet her. Then you wouldn't have to waste too much of your time waiting for the truth. Good luck.

jrb252000 · Jul 29, 2007, 09:13 AM

I would have to say leave your husband. If he did it once he will do it again. He wasn't forced to be with your friend they are both equal to the blame. This is an issue that takes a lot of time to heal. If you feel like you can move on with him then good luck to you. However if there is some doubt in your mind trust your gut feeling and move on.

LearningAsIGo · Jul 30, 2007, 05:48 AM

Originally Posted by MrsHec4

I believe that he is genuinely sorry about the whole situation but i do wonder how long it would have continued if i hadn't found out when i did? She flew down to be with him while i was away visiting my family in NY. It wasn't a single phone call it was many the thing that hurt most was the fact that i suspected something and i confronted him about it. I felt that he should of ended it then if he really felt that what he was doing was wrong but he didn't. He waited until i found out. Now that he's ended it and we've talked he says he wants to be with me and only me she wont stop calling. He told her that he doesn't want her and if he did he would have let me just walk out when i packed my bags. I want to truly believe that he wants to work things out with me but i still dont know where it all went wrong or why this started in the first place.

Just the fact that you finding out is the only thing that stopped him tells me he's sorry he was caught... not that he did it.

Remember, a mistress always hears the words: "He'll never leave his wife"
Don't be that wife.
Guys like that cheat because of the thrill. He doesn't want to be with her if you're gone... that takes all the fun out of it. That kind of man wants to be a husband that cheats, not a single guy that's just dating.

nicespringgirl · Jul 30, 2007, 07:27 AM

U pack his language, set it on the door. Clean all his stuff, either leave them to him, sell them or throw away. Don't even need to talk to him.
Scilence is the most powerful weapon! You don't even need to argue with him.
Once a cheater is a cheater!
U keep a the house, move on, there are better men out there for you.
A man that cheats on you with your friend, is not worth of a minute being with him.

MrsHec4 · Jul 30, 2007, 09:45 AM

Thanks for all the advice guys but I think I'll deal with this on my own from now on. I really appreciate the comments and support.

startover22 · Jul 30, 2007, 10:53 AM

I agree with dcole, too many excuses for your husband. Nowwhat has great advice too, get therapy and work it out. If you can't seem to get it behind you then, hey you did what you could and no one will be judging you for that. Don't stay if he is an a$$, and doesn't really mean he is sorry. Only you can know that and make decisions for it. Your instincts are good, listen to them! Good luck sweet, I am so sorry!

Edensmimi · Jul 30, 2007, 02:09 PM

Originally Posted by HaRLoS

LEAVE HIM! once a cheater always a cheater. He may have stopped with your "friend" but next time you go away, he will most likley do it again. You can find someone who wont hurt you!

I have to disagree to that old cliché about once a cheater always a cheater it doesn't apply to all men... my husband (Boyfriend at the time) cheated on me 1 time, and we have been married over 2 years now and I can honestly say he has not done it again, nor do I think he will. Some will probably say yeah right lady you are gullable, well no I'm not I was smart enough to bust his butt the first time, it took me the next 2 years to heal and get past it and 2 years of him proving how sorry he was and assuring me that it wouldn't happen again. So there might be hope for her and her husband only time will tell, but I wish her all the luck if this is something she finds worth fighting for. It isn't easy to heal a cheated on heart I will say that, I would rather give birth to a 20lb baby with no drugs then go through 1 day of how bad it hurt and made me feel when he did it, but I chose to forgive him and it was me that suffered more than him but I ended up getting the best friend I have ever had.. my husband ;)

startover22 · Jul 30, 2007, 02:28 PM

I would have to say that when the guilt sets in, it is the cheater that pays the highest price of all.

Edensmimi · Jul 30, 2007, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by startover22

I would have to say that when the guilt sets in, it is the cheater that pays the highest price of all.

You could possibly be right I have never cheated on anyone therefore I don't know about that pain. I can only speak of the cheated on side of pain and it almost sent me over the edge.

startover22 · Jul 30, 2007, 02:35 PM

Well, we all have different hearts and guilt levels. When I was messin around in my early days, I know doing things behind peoples back puts a VERY HEAVY WEIGHT in my heart! Guilt is the worst ever! Don't think it can't put you over the edge. I think we were looking over the same ledge if you ask me. I was dying inside!

stonewilder · Jul 30, 2007, 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by NowWhat

It is easy to blame the other woman. But, your husband allowed this to happen. Vulnerable or not. If he was hearing things about you - then he should of come to you and talked to you about it.
Should you give him another chance? Well, you have to follow your heart on that one. IF you think you can get past this and leave it in the past - then give him another shot. If not, then you need to move on. This kind of thing will eat at you until you go crazy. But, like I said, if you can truly move forward and FORGIVE then you have something to save.
I would go to counseling and figure out why he just took this woman's word for everything she said and didn't have the faith in you to come to you.
Recovering from an affair is a long and painful road. Talking it out with a 3rd party is very helpful.
Good Luck.

Originally Posted by always_hot

What he has no self control. You have only been married for 11 months and he's already cheated. Do you honestly think it's not going to happen again. You already know what to do. I'm sorry that this happend to you and anybody else out there that this has happend to.

Maybe it makes no sense but I agree with both Nowwhat and alwayshot. What every you decide it's not going to be easy. I feel for you.