[simian]

I work in the mental health field, and spend all day counseling kids, talking them out of suicide, recommending long-term counseling, etc. and I get lots of praise from my bosses and co-workers, and everyone thinks I am just fantastic at what I do (and I love my career by the way). But when I get home at the end of the day I am exhausted from putting on a mask all day and pretending I am happy, when really I am horribly depressed and unhappy with myself and my life. Lately things have gotten worse, partially due to some extremely emotional and difficult relationship issues I am dealing with, and I go through the day fighting back tears and feeling more and more hopeless. I try to get out of the house and do things to keep myself busy, but usually end up getting halfway to wherever I am going and turning around to go back home because I feel the tears coming, or because I just don't want to do anything or deal with people. Usually I have at least one hysterical crying fit per day (at home, not at work). This is definitely not something I feel comfortable discussing with my colleages, so why not just post on some anonymous message board?

I know I should be seeking counseling, but that is hard to do when you are in the field yourself- word travels and I deal with many counselors, psychologists, social workers, etc. professionally, so it would be difficult to have that dual role. I just feel so sad and lonely and miserable, and I can't seem to get myself out of it.

[nicespringgirl]

Aw... I am sorry. I tell you none of us is easy. I over work all the time and I never lost my temper in my life I think. I bear almost everything... I tell you what you can do... read self-improvement books and watch comedy centrals... that helped me. Better yourself everyday! U'll overcome with it and I know you are strong person. DOn't be sad, no one is easy, everyone is fighting for their life!
:)

[Fr_Chuck]

Is not one of the major things you tell others, is that they will make excuses all the time NOT to get help. And it is not till you completely admit you have a problem, that you will and can get help

I did counseling for about a year, and soon had to stop because it was just not possible

[RubyPitbull]

simian, the work that you have chosen to do is completely and utterly draining to one's mental health. I was just discussing with someone else about the fact that all good psychiatrists and psychologists go to other professionals themselves for counseling. Their work is draining and has a tendency to interfere in their personal lives, just like yours does. When you are dealing with troubled minds as part of your work life, you know that there is no easy fix. It takes time, patience, and sometimes meds, to start seeing some progress. So, you have a tendency to take all that home with you. You are a smart person. When you are faced with such heavy duty mental & emotional distress every day, it is completely exhausting. You can't just turn it off. Please, do not dismiss going for counseling. You really need to do this to save your own mental health. You need to figure out if you can find a way to disconnect from your client's issues, or if you find that you cannot, then it is time to start thinking of a career change. These other professionals, psychiatrists & psychologists, have an obligation not to discuss their patients with others. They are especially careful about not discussing anything about other mental health counselors. I can guarantee you that at least a few of your colleagues, if not more, are going for counseling themselves to keep their heads together. You are biting off more than you can chew and you are doing yourself a grave disservice by not finding an outlet for that enormous weight you are carrying on your shoulders. Please, seek out a specialist who has experience working with someone in your situation. You don't have to stay within your local group. Find someone who is affiliated outside of it.

[shygrneyzs]

You are not the first and only one to have these emotions. I am sure some of your co-workers feel like you do, it is just they do not say.

You said you felt you needed counseling but would not go where you live. Of course not, people would see you go in the door. Also, your right to privacy, while supposedly guaranteed, is not guaranteed. That is the honest truth. Having worked in the mental health/social welfare field myself. Heck, even a family member of one of your clients could see you in the clinic and run with it. "It" happens.

That being said, you do need help. Go outside your area, I mean that. Find a counselor miles away from you. Find a pastor or priest who you can talk to. You need to get your focus back. Possibly a career change, as you have assimilated the problems and struggles of your patients and the struggle has become your personal demon.

You may love what you do but you cannot stand what it does to you. If you do not get help, you will end up getting in some substance abuse to mask the pain. The behavior you have now, when you get home, describes a psych meltdown. Please, please get some help for yourself. Don't use the excuse of not being able to. If you value your own sanity, you can find the way.

Worse case scenario - what would possibly happen if your boss found out you were in counseling? You are not going to lose your job. Everyone has struggles, some deeper than others. I truly hope you reach out and receive some professional help before you are not able to. You have no doubt seen people who have reached that point of no return, that breaking point. I pray you do not get there.

Take care.

[Illusion]

I agree with everyone here that you need to get some help. There is something else I would like to add - if you are counseling teenagers especially with some of the issues that you mention - there is no doubt some identification with the feelings some of the young people are going through. I have to deal with this myself so I know how hard it can be. Coming face to face with a teenager that wants to die is hard work and some of these children have such tragic lives. For several months I worked with a 14 year old that wanted to hang himself - and his need to die was relentless. I was very scared for him - and me - because I feared that he would die. I did a lot of work with him to separate the self from all his experiences - which were horrible - and I was drained and exhausted. He is stable right now and hasn't tried to kill himself since the end of February.

You know, when you do this work you are right there with this person, living those feelings and ideas, and everything else. Nobody said it would be easy. Even if your situation is not the same as your clients, the feelings - loss, sorrow, guilt, shame, sadness, etc. - we all have had feelings that are painful to deal with - this is where we get caught in the net. Not because of the client but because we have feelings too. And to add to it we have deal with our own problems.

Some Master level programs that train therapists, psychologists and the like - ask that they participate in therapy to learn about, deal and resolve their own issues. Therapy is not uncommon at all if you are doing this work as a professional. As a matter of fact, you may find that dealing with your own issues will help you to have the empathy and understanding that your clients really need while at the same time help you identify what issues you need to work on.

But again, if you feel uncomfortable, maintain your private life - private. You really do need to talk to someone to process your feelings about your work and to help yourself.

[grammadidi]

Yes, I agree with all the previous posts. I, too, have worked in the mental health field. It sounds like you are on the edge of 'burn-out' and seeking help for yourself is vital! There is no shame in requiring an outlet, support or guidance!! Read your own post pretending that one of us wrote it! I remember years ago speaking with a psychiatrist that told me she couldn't stay because she had a therapy appointment. I kind of laughed and said "YOU??? The psychiatrist needs a psychiatrist?" and she said, "How else could I deal with all the depression that I see every day?

Sweetie, you will still be fantastic in what you do if you seek counselling. Doctors go to doctors, dentists get cavities and therapists sometimes need therapy. It's such a shame that you aren't able to open up to your colleagues, because I think you will find that some are in the same place that you are, some have been there, and the rest will be at some point. The people who really pour themselves into their work as a therapist often burn out faster and harder than the rest. Please seek help now. You know you must, As you can see just from the responses here, what you are going through is common and nothing to be ashamed of. Your clients will benefit, your co-workers will benefit and you will benefit. Just think of it as a necessary part of the job.

I just know that you will feel so much better once you make contact with a therapist. Please don't let it go any longer. Let us know how it goes, okay?

Love & hugs, Didi

[simian]

Okay I guess I didn't clarify in my original post- the way my workplace is, I am the only counselor/mental health provider there, so my colleagues are not necessarily going to get where I am coming from and they are not obligated to the same confidentiality restrictions that I am. Also, I am well aware that there is a possibility/likelihood of burnout in my field- but in my situation it is the opposite actually- the personal/relationship issues are making it hard for me to concentrate at work... so there is burnout of sorts, but it is coming from home. Work is the only place I actually feel grounded and calm.
Anyway, I am feeling a lot better today luckily- thank you for everyone's encouragement and support! Obviously I do need some counseling, but it's not covered by my insurance (oh, the irony!) so it is going to be a while before that can happen.

[shygrneyzs]

This sounds like a complete turn-around. So what are you going to do about making the home life better grounded for you? As fasr as burn out is concerned - what does happen in the home does affect you in your workplace. I know the saying - leave home at home and work at work, but it does not always separate so nice and easy, especially if there are problems.

You do need to get in to talk to someone. Insurance does not cover it? Then you will have to make some arrangements because your mental health is what is suffering here. You cannot paint one picture of such despair and agony and then paint another one that is the opposite. Please take the time to go and speak with a therapist. If you cannot, then the least you can do is to speak with your pastor or priest. Most have training in counseling.

You know if you do not take care of yourself now, you will be soon running on empty, if you are not already. Please take care of yourself.

[grammadidi]

Sweetie, I hear what you are saying but have a sense that you are attempting to qualify things to yourself. In your original post you very clearly said:

"...when I get home at the end of the day I am exhausted from putting on a mask all day and pretending I am happy, when really I am horribly depressed and unhappy with myself and my life."

And

"I go through the day fighting back tears and feeling more and more hopeless."

You can NOT be an effective therapist/counselor if you are fighting back feelings of depression, unhappiness and hopelessness. You MUST seek help and support in any way you can. If you are in the field, then you KNOW there is help out there regardless of income, insurance plans, etc.

You do need to deal with the issues from outside of work because they not only spill over into your workday, but your relationships with others as well. Your clients are emotionally charged as it is. People like that can pick up on your feelings of sadness or being overwhelmed.

From what I have read I feel that you are on the verge of a break-down of sorts. You must find an outlet for your feelings and a means of support. I agree with shygrneyzs. If you cannot speak to a therapist then go to a pastor, priest, minister, etc. - even your family doctor! Maybe on Thursday you felt better, but on Wednesday you were in despair. It WILL come back. Take steps to prevent the crash that it could result in.

The trouble is, after a good day (or a better day) when the depression or whatever hits again, it seems even MORE overwhelming because you thought everything was improving. Each time you go deeper and deeper into depression. Please seek the help you so badly need. We are strangers and see it... imagine what your co-workers, clients, friends and family are experiencing. They may not want to approach it with you for fear of hurting you or even pushing you over the edge, or probably, because you are normally such a strong, capable person they have no idea HOW to help you.

Please take care of you... because it could hurt you and others if you don't.

Warm hugs,
Didi

[Illusion]

Wow, we have some really excellent posts here and we have given you incentive to get the help you need.

Could you be now rationalizing your situation so that you don't have to deal with your own painful issues? Could it be that you feel that if you talk about what is really hurting you then you think you are just going to feel worse? This is just a defense mechanism in order to protect yourself from the pain - we all do it so you are not alone. While it could be that you are hurting - it can also be that the hurt is familiar and so gives the illusion of being safe. And it is funny how that works because the more you deny that the feeling is there, the more it lingers there. A few days ago, I was feeling low but decided that I was going to be strong, happy - I wasn't going to feel bad - but darn it the feeling was just there. I was talking to a friend of mine and said, you know what? I feel discouraged and sad. And of course, my friend was telling me - no its not that bad, you're great, blah, blah, blah. But OK - I acknowledged how I felt, it was real and true - and I thought this is how I really feel right now and I'm not going to deny it. I was right there with the feeling - and then it began to lose its power over me - and I believe it was because I recognized and accepted the truth about how I was really feeling. It wasn't this big scary thing anymore, it wasn't controlling me and holding me hostage anymore. I was able to think about what happened that made me feel this way, and refocus. I was in charge again - and thank you God for guiding me and always being there for me.

So see, you are just a person like all of us, trying to find meaning and happiness and the true self. And yes, I know its hard, but what do you have to lose? You have all you need to move forward and find strength and courage in who you are - you just need to decide whether you want to.

[intellectpursues]

Hi Simian. I know you feel miserable, but I want you to know you shouldn't. Think about how many people you have helped already in your life. People like you got me through my teen years. I understand your profession can kind of put yourself last, and put others first.. but what you need is to feel good and realize your own self worth. Listen to positive music, put yourself in happy environments, and find time to exercise. I firmly believe if you hear good things and feel good things, you will think good things. Remember who you once were.. you're still that great person. Hearing people pour out their most depressing thoughts to you all day can put you in a dark place.. and you need that positive balance to put you into harmony.

[simian]

Believe me, I am not trying to rationalize, here. I know the situation is not good and that it is only a matter of time before I am feeling down again. It is just that it's difficult to explain what is going on without going into a lot of long-winded details, and I really don't want to go into all of that here. So you are all getting a really incomplete picture. My life is just kind of a mess right now, and I am doing the best I can. But getting counseling (free, insured, or otherwise) does NOT happen overnight- it takes weeks to even get an initial appointment (I know the system well, and I go through this all of the time with families I work with), so until that can happen, you just have to take things one day at a time.

[bushg]

Simian I think I understand where you are coming from. When I used to work out in the world. I would be having terrible problems and I was fine as long as I was inneracting with someone outside of my home, It kept my situation from over whelming me. As, I was focused on the person I was communicating with. But, when the down time came or I was alone for even a few momments. I would start to lose composure. When It was time to be around people I would suck it up. But at home I was totally different. By no means am a counselor. Lol But I must be a sucker for other peoples problems. esp. women . I used to work with about 95 percent women. The way I Started to get over my problems is I would think of how I would advise someone in a similar situation as myself. Then I would try to take my on advice. Also writing down my problems and solutions to them was very helpful. I have had counseling over the years and probably read every self help book known to man. I have went to al-non groups, I have went to women helping women groups, dealing with everything from money maniuplation to brutal beating. I also have talked to religious leaders. Watched shows on the subjcets that pertained to my situation. But when all is said and done we have to lay down with our thoughts each night. We know if we have demanded respect for ourselves and stood up for our values, rights and morals. We have a right to keep people from our lives that want to take advantage of us. You know that. You are an intelligent person and you know what has to be done. You also know that there is no shame in reaching out for help. You just have to set some of your pride aside and ask for support. You know that it does not have to be with someone that has a license.

[grammadidi]

Arranging counselling takes some time to arrange, huh? Oh, and you do know that it's only a matter of time before you are feeling down again. So, what arrangements have you started to arrange in order to have some support by the next time you are feeling so overwhelmed that you have all the supports in place instead of having to post on an anonymous message board??

Come on. You are obviously intelligent and knowledgeable. Start the process, hon. Better now than later!

Hugs, Didi

[endless8infinity]

I have noticed previous answers to your post saying that many mental health professionals go to counseling themselves. Personally, I can attest to this. My mother is a psychiatrist and works for the county health department. She has been sexually abused as a child, her mother died when she was 12, and is currently going through a divorce. She has been highly praised for her work with patients and is an excellent doctor. She has been going through therapy in a city 2.5 hours away for the past 2 years. She has improved tremendously as a person and is still an excellent physician. She still goes through bouts of depression but has mastered keeping her personal and professional life separate. If you get counseling, you may feel better in your professional life simply because you are trying to get yourself better. Don't feel like a fraud, realize you are simply human, but that you are doing what you can to better yourself!

[simian]

Arranging counselling takes some time to arrange, huh? Oh, and you do know that it's only a matter of time before you are feeling down again. So, what arrangements have you started to arrange in order to have some support by the next time you are feeling so overwhelmed that you have all the supports in place instead of having to post on an anonymous message board???

Come on. You are obviously intelligent and knowledgeable. Start the process, hon. Better now than later!

Hugs, Didi

Um, I AM arranging counseling- I never said I wasn't. Thanks for the accusatory and nasty tone, though- that really helps things.

[ordinaryguy]

um, I AM arranging counseling- I never said I wasn't. Thanks for the accusatory and nasty tone, though- that really helps things.

I think you're being overly defensive and sensitive. Didi's a sweetheart, genuinely trying to be helpful, trying to nudge you into action and out of despair and woe. If you're already acting, that's good. Taking offense where none is intended only adds to that cloud of negativity.

[grammadidi]

Sweetie, honestly... I was NOT being accusatory and nasty. I was only repeating what you had said to ensure it stuck in your mind in case you decided to NOT seek counselling because you were feeling better. It was YOU that said that counselling takes time to arrange and it was YOU that said that you knew it was only a matter of time before you were feeling down again. I repeated what you said then ASKED what arrangements you have started to arrange in order to get some support so that WHEN the next time you FELT overwhelmed that the supports would already be in place. I also used your words from your original post... YOUR QUOTE:... so why not just post on some anonymous message board? END QUOTE. Perhaps that was the reality of your words smacking you in the face, but it was not being nasty, hun. There is not a nasty bone in my body! My heart was aching for you and I was trying to help.

Simian, if you have read any of my posts you will see that I am not the kind of person to be rude, nasty, accusatory or unhelpful. My gosh! I followed that up with a request that you start the process now, called you 'hun', said you were obviously intelligent and knowledgeable, and ended my answer with the word 'Hugs'. In my previous posts I felt I was very caring and supportive as well. I am so sorry that you felt it necessary to give me a reddie, say I was rude and unhelpful, then follow it up with a post saying I was accusatory and used a nasty tone. I honestly feel that if you try to re-read my posts in the manner which they were intended you will see that I was trying to help.

Regardless, I want to say that I am VERY sorry if I came across that way, because that was NEVER my intent. That would have been the furthest thing from my mind! I am also so pleased that you are arranging counselling. You didn't say that you were making the arrangements until this last post, so it makes me feel a lot better to know that if you crash, something will be in place for you. In fact, it sounded like because you were feeling better that you might not follow through - which was clearly the reason for my last post.

I never would have attempted to be anything except supportive to you, Simian. All I can think of is that the written word cannot express the concern and caring that one feels. I am concerned, I DO care and I was hoping that maybe I could be a source of support for you. Obviously I can't, so I won't post on your thread anymore, but please, please understand that I meant no harm to you in any way.

Hugs, Didi

[simian]

Yes, you did use my quotes, however you followed them with responses like "huh!?" and "oh, and", which implies that you are challenging what I originally said and it comes across as being really sarcastic and makes the "hun" comments sound patronizing. So maybe I did misinterpret your intent, but when you are typing something and don't have the benefit of tone or body language to convey meaning, you have to be really careful about how things may be perceived.