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John198484 · Mar 27, 2012, 06:55 AM

I'll try to keep the long story short.
Two years ago I met her. I was working at a bank in a big city, she was a student who moved some 150 miles for university. We hit it off instantly, were very much in love , she was very beautiful and sweet and showed her love to me everyday. Unfortunately I made the mistake of leaving my friends behind, and I dedicated my time only to her. Anyway, the first year was great, all fun, we were very happy. Then things started to shake. We found ourselves under a lot of stress, I was not at all happy with my job and the money I was making, she had a lot of stress with final exams and the fact that her parents started to struggle in supporting her financially (had to work part time during exams to pay bills).
I remember the day she gratuated, she was gorgeous, but in the end very sad, because no one from her family could not come to the event, they were all working abroad.
By this time we were all the time together, she was sleeping mostly at my rental apt.
I made a big mistake in telling her that we should move together, got her all excited, but in the end I thought that we need some more money to do that. That dissapointed her badly (and I did this thing twice).
We spent a week last summer at my parents, it was OK, but there were a few things that bothered her - like me acting rude for a couple of times. After getting back to the job in the city I discovered the very unpleasant fact that my raise that was promised for two months was still very far away, and that the level of work stress was even higher. So I quit, thinking that I could get a job with that level of payment in no time, and less stress. To not pay rent I moved my things at my parents.
She was also searching for a job and waiting for the fall to start attending a masters programme. A few days after I moved my things, she got a call from her mother, who said that they couldn't help her financially anymore, and so she had to move back home until she would have found a job.
Thing is she found a job there and after two months she said she doenst want do come back anymore, that she doesn't feel like she can't live without me anymore, and even that she doesn't love me no more. This from a girl that wanted to spend every second with me a couple of months ago. I asked, begged,pleaded. Every thing was in vain. I even offered to move there when I would have found a job. Nothing.
I went to see her a month after she told me she wants a break up. With no effect, rather then watching her laughing when talking to her relatives and acting cold towards me. I can understand that she might be happier with her family closer by, but that doesn't have to mean the finish of our relationship.
Last time she called was almost a month ago. I still love her very much and I am very sorry of taking her for granted, and making big mistakes that changed our lives for the worst.
The plan was to get back to the city as soon as we found jobs or had money, now I do have the money (I worked for 4 months in my home town), but she doesn't want to come back. We could keep a long distance relationship, see each other a couple of times a month until she would find a job in the city and move back. Her small hometown might me nice, but I know she really wants a career that she could never have there.

I really love her, I think she also loves me but doesn't believe in my promises anymore. How should I do it, how should I try to win back her heart?

VirtuousPlume · Mar 27, 2012, 05:45 PM

I will start saying that this isn't rare or strange. It also doesn't have to be entirely your fault. She seems to have decided she doesn't want any relationship with you anymore. Her mind is set if she outward acts coldly to you. She has judged you to be inadequate and she may even have another man by now.

From my personal experience, to change a woman's mind when it's set in these situations always requires becoming a scoundrel. It requires understanding her psychology and *tricking* her. Unfortunately from the info you provide I can't really see what kind of person she is. Still, to break promises is one thing, but I rather believe she has associated you with a very stressful period of her life. Your relationship supported her when things were tough, but you made them tougher in the end, which defeated the purpose and therefore the main foundation of her love. Now her college life is a "bad memory" and you with it, so she doesn't need you or her love for you anymore. I can't pinpoint the dynamics of such relationships, but I have seen it happen before more than once. Women in difficult times relying on a man with a clingy type of love that feels "easy", but that is destined to end when the difficult times wane and/or her life changes suddenly.

I presume she went back, saw new possibilities she couldn't see before and closed the difficult past chapter of her life to open a brighter new one. Considering she already failed to see enough value in you to bring you over, I strongly recommend moving on. The "easy" love you may have experienced won't come back to you even if you manage to "trick her" into loving you back. My point is, she wants very different things from those she believes you could ever give her and temporary financial trouble is surely not the only cause of that.

John198484 · Mar 28, 2012, 04:20 AM

So, basically, I was just her support in difficult times. She was lonely, going through universty and being away from friends and relatives. When changes came into our lives, her love for me vanished. This means it was not true love.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 28, 2012, 05:10 AM

All things may be possible, but many things don't happen. You can not control or make her love you, forgive you and come back.

You were not "in love" since love would not put a price tag on things, love would have moved in and then found a way to make it work. You put money and raise ahead of her. And to be honest showed her that she was not the most important thing in your life.

John198484 · Mar 28, 2012, 05:11 AM

There's another thing: the first weeks when she was home, she was always saying that we should work things as fast as we can, we shouldn't let our love die, we have to keep our relationship alive, she was all upset about the situation... And then, in a couple of months, she changed her mind completely. How come, is it because I wasn't able to fix things as fast as she wanted, or could it be that she meanwhile met someone else?

Maybe I will never know

VirtuousPlume · Mar 28, 2012, 06:13 AM

I think that she was in denial. Having noticed the shallowness of her own feelings, she was trying to "keep up" until she asked someone for help and they provided her with a rationalization good enough to let go. I sincerely believe that you got off easy from this relationship. Your mutual feelings were put to the test and hers failed it. At least it didn't happen after years of marriage!

John198484 · Mar 28, 2012, 06:36 AM

You might be right. The problem is that , just like Fr_Chuck stated, I did things that made her think I don't love her that much. That's what I will always regret, if she would have left me because she didn't love me it would have been something else.
Now I have to live with the guilt that I didn't show and prove my love to her and she got tired of giving and not receiveing back.
My departure made her think that Im leaving her, so why should she wait for a guy like that to come back. That's how I see things

VirtuousPlume · Mar 28, 2012, 07:50 AM

It sounds to me like you were doing all you could to make it work in the real world and in the long term. The stress of the job and the lack of raise kept you both tense and unable to live together right? Or are you saying you were supposed to keep a job you didn't find to be a good perspective just to support her in the eventuality her parents couldn't anymore? Your attitude is of course important in a relationship and so is communication, but your love didn't change, hers did. I can't see it as your fault judging from what you write. At best, it's shared responsibility.

Cat1864 · Mar 28, 2012, 08:38 AM

Do you have a steady job? Working for four months where you don't plan on living is not the same as being 'employed'. How does she know that you won't get upset with any current employment and put yourself out of a job again?

You shouldn't try to 'trick' someone into loving you. If you can't be honest with them and work through the issues together then let go. A relationship built on lies or trickery cannot survive.

She may have wanted something different two months ago. She may have learned that she is happier where she is. She wouldn't be the first person to leave a small town to follow a dream only to have the dream change.

I can't say what the future will hold, but I do think you need to let go of the past and heal. If at some point you do get back together, it has to be with the understanding that the relationship has to start over from the beginning. It won't be the same one you had. It will take more work and it will be harder to not expect things to pick up where they left off.

Leave her alone for now and work on getting your life back on track. Move forward. Stop staring at the past and wanting what was. Allow yourself to let the guilt and other negative emotions go before you attempt dating or getting into a new relationship whether it is with her or someone new.

Good luck.

John198484 · Mar 28, 2012, 10:09 AM

Well, for the past six months I have been living with my parents in my home town, which I left 9 years ago. The idea was to work anywhere (city/hometown) a few months until I got back on track with the money issues and go back to the city, where she would have supposed to follow her education.
But since her parents could not support her anymore, and she didn't find a job for a month, she had to move back home (where she got hired).

Moving on, when talking about her,is not an option for me at the moment. I' ll work on getting my life on track, but I want her to be a part of it.

John198484 · Mar 28, 2012, 11:40 AM

What sucks even more is that she grew to become my only friend.

VirtuousPlume · Mar 28, 2012, 11:52 AM

Doesn't the idea of moving on feel somehow refreshing? After such an involved relationship you finally have the chance to dedicate a lot more time to your interests and make friends. Pick up a sport, or a hobby. Even without giving up on her, if you keep yourself busy and look around for fun things to do with your free time, I think everything will end up moving in the right direction, one way or another.

John198484 · Mar 28, 2012, 12:49 PM

Yes, this few months made me realize what I want to do with my life, that's the good part.These months have given me an outside perspective on my life, and what I see is not pretty at all.
I know this "look after yourself" atitude is the way to go, but I can't help constantly thinking of her. I want to put my life back on the right track, but I also want her back.

Cat1864 · Mar 28, 2012, 04:08 PM

John, what I think you are missing is the need to get on track and then work on the relationship if she is willing. At this time, she isn't because she is trying to get her life on track.

I know you love her and want her to be a part of your life. However, you both need time and space to heal and move forward. It may seem selfish and like you aren't thinking about her needs, but you are. Letting go, healing and moving forward is for both of you. She is trying. You should too. Trying to hold on to 'what was' is the selfish act.

You are stuck on a treadmill and getting nowhere fast. Get off the treadmill. You will get farther faster by walking in the park and letting yourself heal emotionally as well as mentally.

John198484 · Mar 29, 2012, 12:23 AM

I know this is the way to do it, but it would help me so much if I knew there is a glimmer of hope for our relationship. It would mean the world to me, it would feel like there is something to fight for, knowing that she might give us another chance in the future.
Maybe getting her life on track means also getting another man, who can be physically closer to her. She is an attractive woman,and an independent one, but I know she needs a man's attention and support. She wanted to spend every second with me when we were together.

VirtuousPlume · Mar 29, 2012, 04:11 AM

When we are left by a loved one it is our instinct to believe they were special. That out of 7 billion humans out there, they were, for some reason, absolutely unique and the best we can ever hope to get. It is an illusion. You should understand that there is an evolutionary cause of what you are feeling right now. When we experience a personal loss our body naturally drives us through a specific emotional reaction, which starts with despair to get what we lost back. You are merely experiencing grief and as everyone eventually does, you will get over it and find a happiness much greater than what you believe could exist right now. I believe you will be much happier in the long term if you just move on.

John198484 · Mar 29, 2012, 05:48 AM

Yes you might be right. Yet, even if I would do that, I would still have the guilt of leaving her and by this making her believe I didn't really love her. Life is very cruel sometimes.

Cat1864 · Mar 29, 2012, 06:12 AM

John, you can't move forward as long as you are holding on to the negative emotions like guilt. As long as you feel guilty, you aren't allowing yourself to heal and to be a stronger healthier partner for her or anyone else but most importantly yourself.

Do you think she should be feeling guilty about taking time to heal? Why? Do you think she would want you to punish yourself by keeping the wounds open and pouring salt in them or do you think she would care enough about your needs to let you go to heal?

Read what you have written so far. You are turning yourself into a martyr for love. You can keep it up but it will only keep hurting you.