[girlagogo]

My boyfriend and I have always had an up and down relationship but great sex and a lot of laughs for the first few years, he is probably the funniest person I know. Having been together for 10 years (bar a year and a half apart) I have always felt that I have made the majority of effort in the relationships I.e. Always being the one to phone, to drive over to him 50 miles away when we lived apart every weekend, and the list goes on. His good points are that he is very funny and, to be honest, is company when I feel alone.

After he moved over to my town and we lived together I realized that he could be selfish, manipulative and childish and rarely seemed to want to do anything like go out for the day, cinema, holidays etc. just sit an surf on his laptop. Eventually I moved out to my own flat because the house we lived in was in his name (rented) and every time we had an argument he would threaten to throw me out or use that as a way to stop me challenging his bad behavior or failure to help with cleaning/cooking around the home.

I felt much better renting my own place, relaxed and free enough to still see him but know that I could feel happy living in my own place. We seem to get on better when he comes over at weekends but now I find that he just wants to come to my flat, sit and watch TV, and expects (although he doesn't ask me to) me to cook for him etc. He does not seem to have respect for me e.g. He will not remove his shoes when I ask him to when he is in my flat which doesn't seem major but I think if I ask him to, he should out of courtesy. I don't know what he wants from me, because he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything in the way of having fun or a real relationship. What's worse is his car broke down 3 months ago and he has done nothing to fix it, yet expects me to pick him up from his house which is a mess and I hate being there, to come back to mine.

I feel taken for granted, trapped in my flat and frankly bored. In the last couple of months I have stopped having sex with him because I have lost the urge to and I don't know why. The sad thing is that I do love him but I don't understand where this relationship is going and he makes zero effort. On top of that I am ashamed to say that I have gone onto an online dating website, been on a couple of dates with a great guy behind my boyfriend's back. This guy has treated me so well, I cannot understand why he likes me, is attentive, ambitious, intelligent and interesting. We have ended up having sex as I got carried away when we went out, and now I am feeling extremely guilty and torn about whether to tell my boyfriend it's over or put an end to what could be the start of a really good relationship with a man who is pretty much everything you could ask for. I saw my boyfriend again and I am so upset and guilty as I don't want to hurt him, yet I can't see how things are going to change and go back to 8 years ago when we had so much fun and were happy. Am I feeling like this because I should stay with him, or should I just end it now? Please help me.

[Sariss]

Have you even TALKED to your boyfriend about your problems? Or did you just assume he can read your mind and went out and cheated on him?

Break up with him.

[talaniman]

I think you feel guilty because you have allowed yourself to carry a relationship so long, and was not honest enough to tell him its over yet chose to cheat instead of be honest. You should have let go instead of going behind his back.

Clearly you have your own issues and dumping him permanently is your first step to healing, as there is NO EXCUSE for lying, AND cheating. Nor feathering your nest before you make a move with another guy.

You have carried this delusion for 10 years, that you need some one to keep you from being lonely, alone and were increasingly miserable. I highly suggest you unpack your own baggage, and deal with your own issues before you latch onto another guy, and find that your zeal for gratification is leading you down a dangerous path.

You don't need a guy, but some serious guidance, and I hope you get it. Sorry if I seem harsh, but you will be devastated if the new stranger has his own bad qualities that you passed over to be gratified, and treated right, so far!

Or will you go behind his back too? Or worse, go back to the one you cheated on? You better give this a LOT more thought.

[SoftSummer]

Hey! I just feel at this point that you should cut your losses and move on. Confess to what you've done, break up, and then really take some time to really focus on you. If it's meant to be the online guy then he'll still be around after you've figured everything out for yourself.