[Triund]

My friend is single parent and is raising twin boys who are 11 years old. Both are very active and talkative. One of them laughs and giggles way too much. Every sentence is funny for him. But that is not a concern for me.
I am not able to understand why both of them hug and kiss way too much. I know that these are signs of affection but they do not show much respect to their Mom. I have not seen kids of my other friends of the same age, hugging and kissing so much. I talked to few people about the strange behaviour of the twins but did not get satisfactory answer.

Can anyone help me to understand this behaviour?

[jenniepepsi]

That is what twins do. They love each other beyond all others, even once married and with chidlren of their own.

They fight. They hit. They scream at each other. But at the end of the day, even as adults, they hug, kiss, and yes, even cuddle when lonely or scared.

Perfectly normal twin behavior :) (I speak from nanny experience with twin boys)

[Alty]

Hugging is a natural thing. There's no age restriction, there's no gender restriction. It's a way to connect with people, to tell someone you care about them.

I don't understand why you're having an issue with hugging. Am I missing something?

This questions is a bit worrisome to me. Do you have kids? Do you reprimand them if they hug each other? Do you see hugging as something sinful, or something bad, or something not done between siblings, something that should be stopped at a certain age?

I think this is your issue, not theirs. Just my opinion.

[ITstudent2006]

but did not get satisfactory answer.

... So you're going to continue asking until someone gives you an answer you feel is satisfactory. These are not your children and you shouldn't concern yourself with their behavior unless it's dangering you, your family or others.

I hate to be harsh but George Bernard Shaw said it best:

"The things most people want to know about are usually none of their business."

[Alty]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ITstudent2006 again.

Bravo. Exactly.

I just don't understand why this is so important to the OP. Hugging and kissing. OMG! Stop it now! How vile! People shouldn't hug and kiss each other. It's not normal (sarcasm).

The fact that the OP is paying this much attention to the boys and their actions, to me that's the bigger issue. That's the part that's not normal in my opinion.

[ITstudent2006]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Altenweg again.

Alty, I think you're following me!

[Triund]

Thanks for your suggestions and insight. I appreciate it. They are not my kids. The reason I asked this question is because the frequency of their love signs is way too much than their counterparts. They do the same to me when I am at their home. But the main issue is that when their Mom asks call them, they do not heed. They carry on watching TV, on computer or games. Even after calling out their names 4-5 times, boys do not respond to the call. She would ask for a hand to maintain the house, they would not co-operate. I understand that they are boys and full of energy, hence they are talking and giggling and laughing a lot, but this is sometimes too much for their Mom. She asks them to be quiet but they do not respect her wish. This is what makes me wonder that hug and kiss are signs of affection, then why they disrespcet their Mom? Am I correct in deducing that they use signs of showing affection to butter her up for their selfish motives and to manipulate her to do their things?

[J_9]

They are disrespecting their mom because she lets them.

[Alty]

They're kids. If you let them get away with stuff, they will. Give them an inch, they'll take a mile.

This has nothing to do with showing affection. This has to do with discipline.

My son is 12. He'll do anything he can to get an extra 5 minutes on his xbox, but he doesn't get away with it. He gets upset, but I hold firm. He knows that when I say it's time to stop, it's time to stop. But, he'll still try.

He's a very affectionate kid. Why? Because he loves me. Listening to me and doing what I say doesn't have anything to do with showing affection. They're two separate things.

[Triund]

This is I am trying to understand that why listening is not a part of love and respect?

[Alty]

Listening is part of love and respect, which is something we learn when we're older and wiser.

I think you're forgetting that these are children, not adults. Children will be disobedient, they will try to get their own way. Some never learn to respect others, that's something that's taught, it's not a given.

Just because they don't always listen to their mother doesn't mean they don't love her.

[Triund]

Hmmm.. this helps to some extent. You are right, respect others is taught and respect for a person is also earned.

What do you suggest to her on discipling the kids because I have had been coaching her on the discipline, but she would give in to motherly affection than to put a structure around them. She thinks that real love is to let them have their wish and do not turn them away from anything. Turning them away is hurting their feelings. First she lets them run on her head and when it is too much for her, she asks for my help or just let them run wild and put her head in her knees and wishes she never had them.

[Alty]

It sounds like she's having a lot of issues with the kids.

It's hard to put your foot down after 11 years of letting two kids walk all over you, but it can be done.

What does she do for punishment when they disobey?

Kids need boundaries. They need to learn that there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. With my kids we have a system. If they're misbehaving they are given a warning to stop. If they don't stop then they get a time out. A time out is placing the child somewhere with no stimulation. It could be the stairs, a chair in the kitchen, on the floor in a corner, anywhere that's quiet. This is time for the child to think about what they've done, and what they did wrong. The general rule is 1 minute per year, so, for an 11 year old it would be 11 minutes in time out.

After the time is done (the child must sit there for the entire time. If the child gets up the time starts over), she would approach the child, get to his level, eye to eye, tell him why he was put in time out and ask for an apology. After that it's a hug, and then back to play time.

In order for time out to work you must be consistent. You cannot give 3 or 4 warnings, or allow the child out of the time out before the time is up. The last part, where there's an explanation of what was done wrong, an apology and forgiveness is the most important part.

I've also do the marble jar. It's a great tool. You buy marbles and a jar. The child can decorate the jar any way he wants, with his name on the jar, decorations, whatever. You write the rules of the home on a sheet and hang it up for all to see, after explaining that these are now the rules. The rules should include a schedule and chores that the children must do. For instance, dishes must be put in the sink after dinner. If the child does this task without being asked, he gets a marble. The most important thing is to let the child place the marble in the jar himself. If he doesn't put his dishes in the sink, a marble is removed, again by him. The same goes for all the rules on your list.

Every privilege has a price. If a child wants to play a video game than it will cost 5 marbles for 20 minutes of video play. An hour long show costs 10 marbles, and so on. She has to decide what the privileges will be and the cost for each. That should also be written down where the kids can see and be explained before it's set into place. This teaches the children that the things they enjoy can only be done when the chores of the household are finished without being asked to do them.

It won't happen over night, no matter what form of discipline and order she adopts. The key to changing the way the kids behave is consistency. You see, she has to follow the rules as well.

If she sticks to her guns, lets the kids know that things are going to change and that there will be consequences for their actions, than change will happen.

She's being a lazy mom. It's much easier to let your children do as they wish than it is to discipline them. She may not want to put in the time and effort it will take to make this change, but that's what's needed if she wants a better relationship with her sons.

I hope this helped.

[Triund]

It sounds like she's having a lot of issues with the kids.

It's hard to put your foot down after 11 years of letting two kids walk all over you, but it can be done.

What does she do for punishment when they disobey? ............ She's being a lazy mom. It's much easier to let your children do as they wish than it is to discipline them. She may not want to put in the time and effort it will take to make this change, but that's what's needed if she wants a better relationship with her sons.

I hope this helped.

Thanks a ton for the suggestions.

I second your assessment that she is a lazy Mom. If she were not so, she would had followed strategies in Kevin Leman's book "Have a New Kid by Friday" which I gave her two years ago and made her life easier.

She does time out the boys but she is not consistent and firm on it. If she times out a kid for 10 minutes, and ask him to sit on the stairs. First, Kid would show resistance to go on the stairs, second after about two three minutes starts asking her if he could come back and after two three attempts, the time out is over before 10 minutes. She surely needs consistency and has to put her foot down, otherwise once the boys reach grade 9, she would be sorry for the leniency she did in disciplining them.

I would pass on your advice to her. Hopefully this time she listens and these are coming from a woman. :p

[justcurious55]

Has she ever tried parenting classes? Alty gave a lot of great advice. But, if she hasn't taken your advice this far, I wonder why she would take it suddenly now. Sometimes having the advice come from a new place makes it click for people.

[jenniepepsi]

I just wanted to mention, a book that promises a good kid by Friday (a week I would assume) isn't going to magically make it happen. It will set the ground work, but its not going to happen in 1 week.