Check out some similar questions!

totalidiot2010 · Aug 30, 2010, 01:46 PM

My spouse and I have been married for several months, are both once-divorced and each bring 2 pre-teen children to our marriage, with no others planned.

Today my spouse told me about plans to go to an amusement park next weekend for a 12-hour day with the ex-spouse and their 2 children--- Just the four of them. I was also told that this would not be a one-time thing, but to expect this to become somewhat routine.

Please provide your reactions. Thank you for your input. I really need it and really appreciate it.

tickle · Aug 30, 2010, 01:51 PM

Heck no, that is not altogether proper as far as I am concerned. Sounds like she is laying down the law to you in this regard, it being a routine thing. I would definitely put your foot down and not lightly on this arrangement. Why did she divorce him anyway ! Possibly to get away from an unsatisfactory relationship, which is now satisfactory... no way.

Please done call yourself a totalidiot. If you are writing about this here you are not that at all, but have a bug in your bonnet my friend and a big red flag up there waving around.

Ms tickle

GV70 · Aug 30, 2010, 01:54 PM

Legally speaking... she has right to do it.

Kitkat22 · Aug 30, 2010, 01:59 PM

Originally Posted by GV70

Legally speaking...she has right to do it.

Yes she does... But you as his wife should just say. "Hey! We'll all go and make it a real fun day" If YOUR husband objects... kick is butt and leave. Kick her butt also, just for the heck of it.:rolleyes:

totalidiot2010 · Aug 30, 2010, 02:00 PM

Originally Posted by GV70

Legally speaking...she has right to do it.

Thanks for your answer on the legal position----I don't disagree at all. However, this is not a point of legal contention, but it does help me understand all aspects of the matter.

cdad · Aug 30, 2010, 02:02 PM

Think we need to move this away from Family Law. OP isn't looking for legal advice but relationship opinion.

totalidiot2010 · Aug 30, 2010, 02:05 PM

Some great advice everyone! My initial reaction to this was that it disrespects our new family. This is a pretty big deal to me. I'm being told its good for the kids, but to be honest, I think it will confuse them. There is no intention of inviting the other's new spouses or their kids, so a big family day is not an option. I'm not threatened, but it just seems wrong on a variety of levels. Plus it pisses me off. Thanks again all... I'm open to hearing all opinions!

Kitkat22 · Aug 30, 2010, 02:14 PM

I would talk with the ex husband and tell him how you feel. Has he remarried?

GV70 · Aug 30, 2010, 02:22 PM

I have never said that legal is equal to moral or fair.
It is up to you to decide what to do in your case.If you ask the" progressive and forward thinking" scholars they will answer you that it is great you,your wife and her ex-husband to create an extended family.But it is their "thinking". No one can dictate human feelings and passions.
George

Jake2008 · Aug 30, 2010, 02:29 PM

On one hand, I suppose it is a good thing for your husbands children, that he gets along so well with his ex, that both of them can provide a nice outing for their kids.

On the other hand, I think that it should be a negotiated issue, at least a more balanced one. If his two children, and your two children are roughly about the same age, why can't all the kids go for this outing.

Or, why can't all the adults go with all the kids if everybody gets along so well.

The part that doesn't sit well with me, is that while he isn't likely doing anything wrong, you are left out and your children are left out, and I see him, now being married to you, as a step parent to your children. If it is balanced, and he reciprocates with you and your children, is that so bad?

Trying to walk a mile in your shoes here, and seeing as you are newly married, and presuming you are secure with him, and trust him, maybe look past the outings he has with his ex and his kids, and instead, plan to make sure that your children are not feeling left out, by planning your own outings with your new husband and your kids.

Have to admit mixed feelings here, as I'm sure you have as well.

asking · Aug 30, 2010, 02:37 PM

It's too bad she didn't bring this up before you got married.

I would tell her it's upsetting to you and not something you expected. I do think you should listen to why she's trying to do it and talk it over and not just put your foot down without communicating more. Maybe there's a better solution to whatever problem she's trying to solve by doing this. Maybe someone has said things to her that make her feel guilty or someone has persuaded her that the children will suffer without this (which I personally think is nonsense). But where is she getting this and how long has it been going on? Try to listen even if it's upsetting.

You two need to talk this out, even if you have to set aside a few days of off and on talking to get through it. Melding two families doesn't just happen automatically.

Enigma1999 · Aug 30, 2010, 02:57 PM

Hello Total,

I'm not going to address you by your full user name, as I don't think you are an idiot. This is a common question and a concern of yours. No problem.

I too am divorced with children. Every now and then my exhusbad, myself and our two children go on our little adventures. I along with my ex believes that it is good for the children. The children need to see that we can still function as a family and that Mommy and Daddy get along with one another.

No, my ex nor I are shacking it up in the next room, just simply taking an interest in our children at the same time.

I think it's good that your husband and his ex are civil towards one another, especially around their children. You hear so many bad stories about exes that hate each other and the children see that, and that is very upsetting for them.

Now, let me ask you, did he ask you first if it was OK with you, or did he tell you he's going to do this whether you like it or not?

totalidiot2010 · Aug 30, 2010, 03:11 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello Total,

I'm not going to address you by your full user name, as I don't think you are an idiot. This is a common question and a concern of yours. No problem.

I too am divorced with children. Every now and then my exhusbad, myself and our two children go on our little adventures. I along with my ex believes that it is good for the children. The children need to see that we can still function as a family and that Mommy and Daddy get along with one another.

No, my ex nor I are shacking it up in the next room, just simply taking an interest in our children at the same time.

I think it's good that your husband and his ex are civil towards one another, especially around their children. You hear so many bad stories about exes that hate each other and the children see that, and that is very upsetting for them.

Now, let me ask you, did he ask you first if it was ok with you, or did he tell you he's going to do this whether you like it or not?

Basically, I was told this is how its going to be. Period. There was no discussion on what I thought. When I did hear about it, I brought up that I didn't think it made much sense to unilaterally make that decision, nor to steadfastly stick with it and act like I'm being unreasonable when I say I thinks its disrespectful to the new family, and us as a new couple. Sure tis good for kids to get along, but they aren't married anymore, There are ways to show up at games etc and be cordial, but this is BS in my opinion.

Enigma1999 · Aug 30, 2010, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by totalidiot2010

Basically, I was told this is how its going to be. Period. There was no discussion on what I thought. When I did hear about it, I brought up that I didn't think it made much sense to unilaterally make that decision, nor to steadfastly stick with it and act like I'm being unreasonable when I say I thinks its disrespectful to the new family, and us as a new couple. Sure tis good for kids to get along, but they aren't married anymore,. There are ways to show up at games etc and be cordial, but this is BS in my opinion.

The fact that he told you how it was going to be and didn't even think to ask you your thoughts on this is rude and disrespectful. I agree with you 100% there.

That's why I wanted to ask you that question. I found another one of your threads with the same question, and it's more imformative. I just read it now. It answered more questions for me.

I see where you are coming from. I, for one, believes that it is good for the kids to be together as a family once in a while. In my situation, we have an agreement that one a month the four of us get together and have dinner, go to a movie, to the park, etc... Now, if I decide to date again I would be up front with my boyfriend before hand, and I would ask him how he feels about it. Not tell him how it's going to be. Bad idea.

Again, he shouldn't have told you, he should have asked you, and being that you are newly weds, he shouldn't have had such a bad approach on this whole thing.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 30, 2010, 04:05 PM

How long was she divorced before the marriage to you?
Had you two talked about this before?
I think it is a very strange and disrespectful thing to do. You two need to have a chat.

cdad · Aug 30, 2010, 04:19 PM

Now that this has been moved. I will comment on it. Thanks superpowers ;)

To have a relationship with your ex about the children isn't unusual. But it is exactly that "about". There are times when you have to be in the same space to support your children. That's OK too. But in those times the new spouse should be invited too. Like sports or awards and accolades of life. You don't go off with the ex and just move on from there. To me that's plain weird.

tickle · Aug 30, 2010, 04:38 PM

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Now that this has been moved. I will comment on it. Thanks superpowers ;)

To have a relationship with your ex about the children isnt unusual. But it is exactly that "about". There are times when you have to be in the same space to support your children. Thats ok too. But in those times the new souse should be invited too. Like sports or awards and accolades of life. You dont go off with the ex and just move on from there. Too me thats plain weird.

She has already made your choice and can't respectfully go back on her decision; that is what she is displaying here and is confusing to the children. Who do they turn to, new dad, or old dad. That decision making is counter-productive to a life long goal for the children to lean on, IMO. I really don't think this is a good way to raise children, she is instituting a double standard here, do what I say, not as I do.

asking · Aug 30, 2010, 05:53 PM

I actually don't agree it's about "new dad, old dad." They will always have their dad. But in my opinion, the relationship between their father and mother should be less ambiguous than this appears to be. Again, this is partly a matter of taste and values. For some people this scenario would fly, but it doesn't for the OP (and it wouldn't for me), so they need to talk this out.

Enigma,
Can you explain in what way you think it is good for the kids? I don't agree. I think it sends them a confusing message and would make them harbor hopes you will get back together. In my opinion it is, at best, neutral, and possibly harmful. AND I think it's bound to make most other partners uncomfortable. But you feel pretty strongly about this, so can you provide a rationale as to why you think it's good for kids?

And, by the way, I totally agree about the laying down of the law being a really unfortunate way to approach such a delicate matter.

Kitkat22 · Aug 30, 2010, 05:58 PM

There is no way I would feel comfortable with this. You have children and I'm sure they don't call anything but Daddy.

I'll bet her children don't call you Daddy. All of you all need to sit down and talk this out.

aimee_tt · Aug 30, 2010, 06:03 PM

I would think an amusement park would be better as a WHOLE family.

The kids will be happier with more kids to play with and go on rides with.

When I was little id take friends with me or my cousins with me so my day would be better!

I think it should be an open Invitation.

How would your Spouse react if you took your kids to an amusement park and didn't offer to take her and her kids? I am pretty sure you would be in the bad books for a while.

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't listen then you need at ask why she wants to go alone with him.