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halflife1820 · Jul 4, 2009, 03:52 PM

I am 23 and my girlfriend is 22, I've known her since high school but we never really hung out during that time. About five months ago we started talking and dating. Everything was amazing I get along with her better than anyone else I know and we have fell in love with one another. She is an extremely sweet and beautiful girl and I consider myself lucky for being with her. At the beginning of the relationship we were talking about our past relationships and she told me she had two previous longterm boyfriends which account for her two sexual partners before me. Just recently I've heard from many of my close friends that knew her back in high school and they told me about her past. I was told the same things by many credible sources that she was a very very sexual active person. She used to have sex/oral sex to get into parties and also to get cocaine, she's had some threesomes that involved 2 guys and her, many boyfriends I was not aware of and that she cheated on everyone of them, additionally her and her best friend at the time would give oral together to guys along with many other things. I despise girls like this and she knows that I do and I always told myself I would never be with a girl that has no values. I have not confronted her on these issues yet and I plan on doing so after I get back from my military training. I do not want to hold her past against her but that kind of past I find hard to overlook. I do not know her reasons for why she did these things and wish she was upfront with me so I didn't have to her it from other people. I am a christian and I try to live in that way, I believe she regrets her past and about two months ago she was saved (baptised in the christian church) and she did this with no pressure on my part. She also wants to become closer to god and I love that about her. I feel I'm at a crossroads because if I stay with her we will become married but I'm not sure I can forgive her past and be able to trust her. I need advice on how to handle this or what to do?

Catsmine · Jul 4, 2009, 04:32 PM

1. Thank you for serving your country.

2. You sound like you need to work on your faith. A Christian that cannot forgive a fellow Christian?

3. How certain are you of the credibility of your sources? Their sources?

4. Get your results from the medics. You were tested during inprocessing.

5. Base all conversations with her on strict rules of evidence. Do NOT ask her why she was blowing everybody, DO ask why there are rumors about it.

talaniman · Jul 4, 2009, 04:58 PM

She seems to have grown enough to impress you a lot it seems, so is it fair to hold her past against her. Strange you have known her since high school, but never heard of her escapades back then.

Its only been 5 months, so if your having a great time dating, and getting to know each other, then you will learn more. But if you already can't handle the rumors, credible or not, then at least let her find her own happiness with someone who can.

I think its so unrealistic for someone to tell a dating partner their whole story in the first few months, but the point is what you will do with this knowledge from reliable sources.

Seems you will have to tell her what others have said and see what she says, and then you believe what you will, and make a decision whether you believe her or not, or handle what she does tell you.

If its true, and you can't forgive, and understand her mistakes of the past, whatever she says, don't play games, just leave her alone.

Where someone has been, is less important, to what they have learned, how they have grown, and where they are headed.

For sure this is more about you, than her, and I have learned its best not to judge, and think your better, or more moral than another, who has taken another path than you have. You seem to be equals at this moment in time.

jenniepepsi · Jul 4, 2009, 05:02 PM

The best thing I can tell you is either you come to grips with it, and forgive, or you don't and you leave. You can't continue a relationship in which you cannot forgive. It is in her PAST. From what you say, it doesn't seem that it is continuing. If you can't accept her past and move on, there istn much hope for the relationship. And keep in mind, no one is perfect. Good luck

Gemini54 · Jul 4, 2009, 09:36 PM

I agee with the other posters that firstly, you need to find out from her what the basis of the rumours might be. We all know that stories can be told and retold and that society is very happy to exaggerate stories of female promiscuity. The old double standard is still alive and well!

I would suggest that this is also a test of your values. As you've stated...

I despise girls like this and she knows that i do and i always told myself i would never be with a girl that has no values.

However, you've now (supposedly) met a 'girl like this' and you like her, know her to be a good person and are thinking of marrying her. As you can see the reality is different to the moral stance that you held - and you are being challenged to re-evaluate this.

In the end, it will be like JenniePepsi says - you either can deal with it and accept it (if it's true), or you simply won't accept it and have to move on.

However, I would also encourage you to see this experience as an opportunity to examine your own sense of values, and your capacity to understand that people are flawed, human and ultimately capable of change.

Dazednconfused4 · Jul 4, 2009, 11:59 PM

I know how you feel... I fell in love with one of my best friends... And I knew things about him that I really would not want to know being his girlfriend...

Just remember... There are a lot of people that envy love and happiness... I would not believe everything that some people tell you... Some people may be out to ruin a happy relationship...

If it is true... Just remember that was her past... She has probably matured since then.. People change... and many change for the good... If you feel uncomfortable about how many sexual partners she has had.. then get tested...

I don't think you should hold her past against her... We all make mistakes in life and learn from them...

PeruvianBlaze · Jul 5, 2009, 12:10 AM

Ask her about the rumors and see if it is true. If she says the are, but that it is the past, you must tell her past bothers you, but that if she truly has changed then you are willing to accept it. See if she really has changed and determine if you are able to handle and accept her past and that she really has changed. If she hasn't changed or you really can't accept it, then you have to move on.

talaniman · Jul 5, 2009, 07:51 AM

Its only been 5 months, its up to you to be willing to take the risk of finding out if she is a good partner, or not for you now, and going forward. Give yourself a fair chance to get to know if her changes are real, or not. Give yourself a chance to examine your own feelings, and see if YOU can make the changes, and adjustments, to be a good partner to her.

I think if you keep your eyes, and mind open, you will make a good decision for yourself, and your future.

halflife1820 · Jul 5, 2009, 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

1. Thank you for serving your country.

2. You sound like you need to work on your faith. A Christian that cannot forgive a fellow Christian?

3. How certain are you of the credibility of your sources? their sources?

4. Get your results from the medics. You were tested during inprocessing.

5. Base all conversations with her on strict rules of evidence. Do NOT ask her why she was blowing everybody, DO ask why there are rumors about it.

I know as a christian I should be able to forgive her past, but I can only forgive it if she is completely honest with me and that she no longer this type of person. Its all going to come down when I ask her about these "rumors", I cannot be with someone who hides things from me cause relationships (especially in my case since I travel alot) are based on trust. All I know now is that I completely love her and I would be willing to "be the better man" and step up. As for confronting her on these rumors I know I have to be calm and collected, be sure not to accuse her and be understanding of her situation, but how to do that I'm not completely sure

redhed35 · Jul 5, 2009, 03:04 PM

Are you completely sure that SHE will be totally comfortable with your past?

Are you willing to answer the same questions about your past if she poses those questions to you?

You say you are completely in love with this lady.. completely in love.

1 corinthians chapter 13.. rings any bells.

sully123 · Jul 5, 2009, 03:18 PM

Leave her past in the past. I don't think she is hiding things from her past relationships, I just think she might not think it's the right time to tell you. You guys are getting to just know each other, its still way too early. Five months isn't long enough to know a person. That's way too soon. Just enjoy the relationship right now, and don't look for problems, that's when they will start. I am sure you have had past relationships not saying you would do those things, but I don't think she is looking to compare things you have done in the past. Everyone is different. You can't judge someone for what has happened in their past, people make mistakes.

halflife1820 · Jul 5, 2009, 04:06 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

are you completely sure that SHE will be totally comfortable with your past?

are you willing to answer the same questions about your past if she poses those questions to you?

you say you are completely in love with this lady..completely in love.

1 corinthians chapter 13..rings any bells.

I have shared my past with her and I am completely comfortable answering any questions she asks. I am in love with her and I know what responsibilities come with love. Acting on those responsibities is by far the most diffucult thing but also the most rewarding.

BigKid47 · Jul 5, 2009, 04:22 PM

Dear halflife.

Choose her for her future. Not her past!!

Her life is HERS, and Yours are YOURS!!

carbarly · May 19, 2011, 08:26 AM

Wow, that would be really hard to deal with. Before I knew my boyfriend he was in a relationship with a girl for only four months, and they didn't have full on sex (I thank god for that) but they did a lot of other things that hurt me so badly. I keep picturing the scenes of them doing all that and it kills me. I know your girlfriends past must be much harder to get over, and I can imagine how hard that would be. Getting over my boyfriends past is the hardest thing I have ever done, and honestly there are still times I lay in bed thinking about it and cry. We are still teens in high school, and I know there is no guarantee that we will get married or anything, but I truly do love him so much. And it is apperant that you love her very much too. What you should do is talk to her about everything. That's what I did, and it did help so much. Though I did do something very wrong-even though I didn't want to know, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked about a lot of details that made the scenes of them more vivid in my head. It was pretty awful. So please don't ask about details! Also, another thing I did wrong was getting on his Facebook account and reading messages between them. It wasn't my business and I regret knowing all that. That was where I found the rest of the details. I called him and cried, and he came over and cried too. I know he is sorry and I should forget it all because that would make everything so much better. But it will take a while. My advice to you is to just not think about it if you can, but you do need to talk to her (tell her to leave out the details) and if she is truly sorry trust her. Baptism is like becoming a new person. I know she did do all those sins, but try to think of it as sort of like her past life. She is a new person in gods eyes now. I hope I helped. Bless you