I'm writing on behalf of my mother, who is a healthy and vibrant 89. Her husband (my stepfather) is the same age, but frail - and extremely clingy and often moody. He is mentally competent, fortunately. Mom has a few outside activities, and visits me a few times a year for 3-5 day breaks, but frankly feels stuck most of the time in a stifling, caregiver mode at home. It's the classic situation where she feels as though she is incessantly catering to a difficult, insecure child. She has said that were this ten or fifteen years ago, she might well leave, but that now it's too late and complicated to do that.

Any suggestions for her - and indeed for any senior spouse who is in the midst of this dilemma?

Thanks for any ideas.

startover22

Oh, I would hope that since she did marry him she knew they wouldn't stay young forever. I feel for her, but she is just gonna need to do more activities, maybe offer for him to do activities with her and if he says no then she should go herself.....
Tell her she has every right to go and be free but remember that she needs and vowed to take good care of him.....

purplewings

She's a healthy and vibrant 89. That says so much. At that age I'd want to make every single moment of my earth time into something exciting and wonderful. The days are certainly numbered and it's their only chance to catch up with what they've missed while raising children, building a home, and working full time.

I wonder what she would be doing if she were alone. Maybe just having a cup of coffee with an old friend, going shopping leisurely, or dancing wildly in the living room for a few minutes a day.

Getting together with friends to go to lunch once or twice a week would make a big difference. It involves two or three hours and provides some things to think & talk about besides the same ole same ole.

I wonder if she could get a family member, younger friend or even a visiting nurse to stop over for a few hours a week so she could look forward to a couple hours out on her own. Maybe someone could come in who would play chess or cards with your stepfather to give him something to look forward to also. It can't be easy being that age whether you feel great or not so good. You still hear that clock ticking and it can be a real downer.

She could try placing an ad in the neighborhood newspaper to see if someone might be looking for something helpful and interesting to do with their spare time. Volunteers do it and so do people who want to make a few dollars here and there. Nothing wrong with with your mom wanting to enjoy what's left of her life.

P.S. I think older folks like that often talk about wishing they had left their mate years before, but that's just to let people know it's not so easy to be in that situation. Sometimes they just need a little more appreciation.