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carrie19084 · Oct 23, 2006, 12:21 PM

Hey people... I really need some advice... I have been seeing a guy I work with for just over a month now and he was head over heels for me even though I wasn't too keen to begin with but he won me over... neway... everythin was going great until a week ago when he had some terrbile news about a family member... he got really down... everything was OK... but then I got a bit mad at him because I was feeling the pressure and well we had a bit of a fallout... neway... he ignored me for the rest of the day... and when he spoke to me he said that we were still together but he needed sum peace to to terms with things... so I left him to it... but that was a week ago now... he did however tell me just the other day that he would to me... and that it wasn't me he needed space from... but just to do as he asks... whats going on?? Surely if this guy didn't want to be with me he would just say? He's a great guy and no-one has a bad word to say about him and I wouldn't like to ever believe he was the type to just ignore you till you got the hint... not one person we work with believes that either... but what do I do? Does he still care about me or have his feelings changed? I don't have a great understanding of men... why is he pushing me away and should I give up on him? X x x

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 01:06 PM

For the love of god - give him space. He needs it.

YOU PULL BACK NOW. Be busy - do other things. Hang with friends,family - WORKOUT, hobbies, etc.

He pulled back because of his family member. You came on strong - as he pulled back - natural reaction. Going forward - if he pulls back - you pull back.

Also - I never recommend ever getting involved with some you work with.

I have a saying here - "Don't dip your pen in the company ink" - if this goes bad - it can really go bad. Do you realize this could cost you your job? Did you ever think that?

Quite frankly you sound needy.

Again, I would advise don't ever get involved with someone you work with let alone - work for. There are things called boundries and you need this in the work place.

carrie19084 · Oct 23, 2006, 01:08 PM

firstly we don't work together all the time... and it would never cost me my job... and secondly yes I admit to being a bit needy... but that's my insecurities... am not being funny but I wanted adive... not to be criticised... I know what my weaknesses are and I'm working on them... x x

this guy works for same company but not directly with me... we work on the same level... thats not the problem here... the relationship is... x x x

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 01:50 PM

This is hard to say gently to you but I will make every effort since I understand you feel fragile. I can only tell you that if this situation is the result of seeing someone after a month, then something is seriously out of balance. I would advise you give as good a look at your operating system as you can manage here. Please know I am not saying this to pick on you but to help you with what the real problem is-- other women are not like this but other teenagers are. If you can't see your way to outgrowing your insecurities on your own, consider seeking help with that from a professional counselor. Its worth it and can make a huge difference in your life. I speak of this from my own personal experience doing exactly what I suggest to you. There is no shame in seeking help like that.

Covering all the little details of push here, fall back there, say this to him, don't do that-- is not going to make enough of a difference in light of the bigger problem. And if you were more of a fully functioning adult, you will know most of those things intuitively or have figured out a way to learn them. That you ask about the minor details that don't matter like this is what clearly suggests the bigger problem. Otherwise, you remain stuck in needyville living like a child stuck with what comes of that. There is no magic method to growing up and relationships are challenging even for capable adults.

I believe you are worth having a shot at so much more. If you don't, then there isn't much else I can say. I hope you give this some thought.

carrie19084 · Oct 23, 2006, 02:03 PM

Yeah... I understand what your saying... am just trying to make sense of his situation... my problems don't matter rite now and I will seek help... what am trying to work out is whether this guy is genuinely needing his space or what... I can't help but feel that its all personal... that I now repulse this guy so much that he no longer wants to even talk to me... but that's worrying for myself caus the reality of it is there isn't anything I could have possibly done to make him think that...

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 02:07 PM

Originally Posted by carrie19084

yeah...i understand what ur sayin....trying to make sense of his siituation...my problems dont matter rite now and i will seek help...but thats worrying for myself caus the reality of it is there isnt anythin i could of possibly done to make him think that ......

1. I don't think you do understand
2. Making sense of his situation won't help in the long run
3. Your problem very much matters; seeking help is not good to delay
4. And the reality very much might be that your problem is exactly what is the thing that made him think differently about you, especially if you hid it from him and then suddenly revealed it one day.

See now?

If not, here is the other translation: if you showed your insecurities suddenly to him, and in a way that looked a bit crazy or hysterical, he could easily be so freaked, he is now asking himself how he lets the psychowoman down easy -- and I can tell you that isn't a fun place to be for a guy.

Give him space. It is your only chance to prove you aren't "psychowoman". If he does come back, you were lucky and you still need help. If he doesn't come back, you still need help. Either that or get more effective at covering it up and lying to yourself. Frankly, even that didn't work for me.

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 03:05 PM

That's what I was trying to say - he needed space and am sure she came on too strong - he freaked.

That's called being needy - I don't eve nknow you and I know your needy.

I wasn't beong critiacal - almost everyone who comes here is needy - they just don't realize the magnitude of it how it can totally turn off someone completely.

talaniman · Oct 23, 2006, 04:04 PM

All due respect but how do you really know someone after dating for a month? Obviously this guy as good as you and everyone else says he is has his own baggage and he chooses not to share that part of himself with you. Big RED flag there. Do as he says and live your own life without him. Maybe he'll come around and maybe he won't but I caution you very strongly to not contact him, or bother him in anyway. If he wants you, he'll contact you. If not... move on. This is too much drama to be healthy after just a month. Work on your own issues.

s_cianci · Oct 23, 2006, 07:17 PM

Val, Wildcat and Tal have all given you great advice here. Follow it. Back off completely and forget about him for now. Work on yourself. Get a life and get counseling. Go out and do the things you enjoy, without him. Keep your communication with him strictly business if you must. Show him that you're not needy and clingy and that you don't need him to make you happy.

kochi · Mar 19, 2008, 11:17 AM

Sounds like he has given you the assurance you need, now you just have to believe him.
Wait a little longer then perhaps you can

Ask him

"does he still care about me or have his feelings changed?? i dont have a great understandin of men...why is he pushin me away and should i give up on him?? x x x
"