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I’m hoping that you guys/girls can give me some advice.
I met a girl and we dated for sometime, eventually becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. A few weeks ago, she went on vacation to her cottage and spent a lot of time alone, allowing her to reflect and think about what she wants.
Long story short: she was in a relationship for five years prior to us getting together (4 months earlier). She says that she needs sometime to be single and wishes that she had of met me six months from now.
I asked her if she wants me to wait, and she said that she can’t ask that of me – but hopes that we can try this again in the future. I must have asked 100 times if this was the only reason and she said yes. She still has feelings. But needs to be single because she has always belonged to someone and did make a point of saying that she is doing this so that when she is ready, it will make out relationship stronger.
This was all said on the phone, so I asked her to meet. She did. We went to the park and talked for a bit. I even wrote her a letter saying that I care for her greatly and will wait for her to give me her heart. I said that I would give her the space she needs and call her in six months, asking for her back. I asked that she read the letter in front of me. She did and I could tell that she was sad. After reading it, she could not look at me for a few minutes. I could tell she was about to cry. But after, she kept staring at me with caring eyes (you know the look when you really like someone).
I then asked to hold and kiss her one more time. We did and it was great. I also asked her to make me one promise: that when she is ready for a relationship, she will give us another try. She said that she promised and would. We ended it by saying that I’ll miss her and am here if she needs anything. And to read the letter I gave her once a week, if she has any doubts about how I feel.
Now I’m trying hard not to contact her. But I’m so sad inside. I miss her so much. I mean, can someone really care for someone and still need to be single? Do you guys think that there is a chance of us getting back together? Should I send her an e-mail once and a while to tell her that I thinking of her? Or should I just stop 100% contact. I’m worried that if I do this she will not think that I’m sticking around and have moved on. What would you girls like for a guy to do?
Do you guys think that i handled it right by writing the letter or was it too much?
It sounds to me like you did good!
You were honest and heartfelt, and I think the letter will serve as a great physical reminder to her of your feelings while you are apart.
Send her an e-mail once every 6-8 weeks just to say hello and chat a bit, and let her know you are still thinking about her, but otherwise keep out of her life. Let her sort out herself and do what she needs to do. If she's ready sooner than later, you'll know...
Also though - While it is commendable that you are willing to wait, you need to keep yourself open to the fact that she may not be "the one" after all... It would be extremely unhealthy for you to simply sit and pine away for this girl everyday for six months - drumming up all sorts of unrealistic expectations and emotions. She might need more than six months, or she might do any number of other things that would exclude you from her life.
In the meantime, keep busy with your own life... Enjoy friends, family, work on yourself, follow your interests... and watch what happens!
I hope that in 6-12 months you are happy with this girl!
My heart goes out to you for what you must be feeling right now. I'm in a similar situation myself. Although mine is not a romantic relationship, it is someone whom I consider a very close friend, and she has pretty much asked me to give her some space. All of this just happened yesterday, so I know how insanely difficult it is trying not to contact someone who has asked for space.
My “gut reactions” to your situation? First of all, you sound like a very sensitive, loving and decent person, and you obviously have her best interests at heart.
You mentioned that she was in a relationship for five years, and you got together four months after that ended. (Is that correct?) Assuming it is, after five years, she probably had a lot invested in that relationship (emotionally), and perhaps is just realizing herself that she needs time to really get over that in order to move on. It doesn’t seem like four months would be a terribly long time to allow her emotions to settle before involving herself emotionally with another person.
From what you have said, it sounds to me there’s every chance in the world that you could get back together. She is probably having a hard time emotionally, and just needs some space. She could be feeling a little overwhelmed right now and some “down time” will allow her to get things straight in her own mind.
Personally, I think the fact that you wrote her a letter is very sweet. You let her know that you’re still there for her, and that’s a good thing. She probably needed to hear that.
As far as contacting her, that’s a hard one for me to answer because I’m struggling with that right now too. I would maybe wait a couple of months (I know -- it’s difficult!) and then mail her a little card -- just something simple like “Thinking of You” or whatever. Then in six months, do what you told her you would do: call her and ask if she’s ready to get back together.
I really get the feeling that she just needs some space. I hope this helped a little.
Thanks phillysteakandcheese. I really appreciate your feedback and feel for you also cocoa. I can’t stop thinking about her and my mind is playing tricks on me. The other day, she sent me and a few other people she knows an e-mail with photos of her vacation.
In one of the photos was a guy with her. I know she has lots of guy friends so it’s not an issue. But still, not something I really wanted to see at this time, so I asked her to take me off her mailing list (I didn’t say why – I just said it’s difficult right now to see photos of you and stuff).
Man, I’ve lost like 10 pounds; I’m not eating and have no motivation to do anything. I’m hoping that as time goes by, this will fade. I know that I should not wait for her, the entire 6 months. But I’m really feeling sad right now.
I’m at the point in my life where I want a relationship and have so much to offer. I really can’t bare the thought of being single for the rest of my life. I’m 30 now and want a commitment. Why does this have to happen to me? I have so much to offer. I really hope that you guys are right and that we get back together.
I’ll take your advice and send an e-mail in one month, saying that I’m thinking about her – nothing more.
I think you handled this situation very well. My advice is to wait 2-3 months to contact her, and when you do contact her I suggest that you just send a simple e-mail that says something like "Hello, how you doing?" Do not at any point bring up the relationship.
I know you're going to want to contact her sooner then 2-3 months, but thats not a good idea because any sooner then that means (1) You are not giving her the space you promised you'd give her and (2) You might end up looking like you're too needy and/or clingy.
In the meantime just stay busy and do things you enjoy. But please, and I mean PLEASE, be prepared for the worst. It's great that you have found someone you are willing to wait for, but a lot can happen during 6 months (heck even 3 months). During that time she might realize she doesn't feel the same for you. What's just as plausible is that she might find someone else. I hope that within 6-12 months you two are in a great relationship together, but face it, life is not a fairy tale and more often then not things don't work out the way we want them to.
I'm not trying to predict the future here, anything can happen between you two and it could be wonderful or disastorous. Just prepare for the worst, and don't let your world revolve around this one person, and don't let your happiness depend on this one person! Go out and meet other people! Have fun and enjoy life! If things work out...great! But if they don't at least you'll be strong enough to make a quick recovery.
Oh and maybe, if you listen to everyone when they say go out and meet new people, then if things don't work out with this girl, by then it might not matter because just maybe you will have found someone else.
I think the letter was just fine and quite necessary to put your feelings out there to her. It was something that, if you had not done it, you would likely be haunted by the not doing. But its not about "can you behave well enough to keep her" -- you have to be who you are and she has to be who she is. And if that isn't compatible, then it is time to go seperate ways.
I think the space she is asking for really needs to be space though and I am leary of the promise to "come back and try" that I see as made under pressure. That may need to be renegotiated. Worse than that, I am not one for ending it on "limbo" like you two have as that simply makes it unfair to the one left waiting. If this wasn't outright ended, then seperation should have been/needs to be clear-- what terms and for how long (and six months is too long)-- now that you two were past the dating stage and actually exclusive as boyfriend/girlfriend. This is torturous the way you set up, frankly.
Given where you are now, I would wait a whole month and contact her for a face-to-face reassessment. If she hasn't contacted you in all that time, my intuition says she'll clearly end it and all this was an attempt at easing the letdown to you.
Thanks guy for your advice. It’s like she is playing games with my head though. She will make comments like “this may be the biggest mistake of her life” and “she does not want to hurt me down the road” and that "she is doing this because she really cares for me". She also says that she has serious commitment issues and her friends call her the “run away bride”. I’m so confused about what to do. I know I should wait 2-3 months. But one month sounds better, maybe to meet for a drink. What if I send her an e-mail at one month saying – “let’s grab a quick drink to see how you’re doing”.
Does that sound too clingy?
She is also on my msn list. I have a blog that she has never seen, pictures of my life and my thoughts about this and that. I send an e-mail to all my friends when i update it. Should i send the link to her also, maybe as a reminder that i'm here?
She appears to be playing a game called hard to get-- there is teasing and then there is something else. I think this is something else. And you are playing the counterpart game yourself called "how can I win her back by what I do" -- there is playfully seducing her back and then there are desperate ploys too. I hear your desperation. Its all a matter of intensity as to which level it is and neither is okay in my book, if there are hurt feelings involved-- which there are. Time for setting games aside, take a break and then some frank honest talk. Unless, of course you like your games intense and your feelings hurt?
I asked her that and ever said that she is playing games. She said no. Do you really think she is? I kind of thought so. Now I’m even more confused. But if she is playing games, I’m more angry.
I think you should take things one day at a time - (easier said than done, believe me, I know). See how you’re feeling in a month. If you’re feeling more at ease with things, test yourself a little and say, “Hey, things are going okay … I think I can wait another two weeks…” And when those two weeks are up, try for another two weeks. It may sound silly, but that has worked for me in the past. Two (or even three) months will be up before you know it. Everyone is different though. You have to find something that will work for you.
As others have posted, try to keep yourself busy. Even being busy with the smallest of things can help. When I’m feeling *really* down, I try to take baby steps -- literally hour by hour at first, until I start feeling better.
I will write down three very simple things that I want to have done by the time I go to bed at night. It can be anything from watering the flowers outside, doing a load of laundry, washing dishes -- whatever. If you’re up to calling a buddy, by all means, go for it. For me, I find that having these goals in writing (posted on the fridge or something) really helps. I just keep doing that, day after day, until time passes. As you start feeling better, your “to do list” can consist of bigger and better things, like going out someplace to meet new friends (if you’re out-going enough for something like that). Be sure to pamper yourself once in a while too. I think that’s important.
Again, this is just what works for me. If it helps someone else too, that’s great. If it doesn’t, then that’s okay too.
I also have to agree with the others and caution you about setting yourself up for disappointment. Your subsequent posts have me feeling a little uneasy about your whole situation. I agree with Val that it seems like she is playing hard-to-get... or testing you, or something. It’s hard to say for sure, but give yourself some time, give her some time, and as Val said - then get down to some frank and honest talk.
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