sorry an old joke... there are two types of women - crazy and those that haven't reached their potential yet.

i'm sure you guys get tired of hearing the same BS but at least i can vent some here and maybe bounce around some ideas.

CHAPTER 1

7 years ago i met the woman of my dreams. before i had time to make my move, she moved several states away to live with this younger guy she met.

needless to say, i did what i could to stay in contact with her over the years. sometimes she worked at places that gave her internet access and she would email me. every so often she would call. we were really good friends but i made it clear that i was always more interested that just being friends.

3 years ago she started telling me about the things she couldn't stand about her boyfriend. he was very private but spied on her email or instant messaging with log programs. she came home from work to find him hanging out with a random girl in their apartment. he left her crying a lot to go hang out with his buddies (who she says worship him). she caught him reading some porn story about a dad molesting his daughter. she said his sex drive was crap (1x per month). they always lived in apartments or houses with a bunch of other younger people who are dropouts and party people. this guy makes like $10 an hour and dropped out of high school. he doesn't have cable tv, internet, -- normal stuff. he was always very careful to keep her as isolated from her friends and family (in another state mind you) is the way i took it. she left him at least four or five times over the years, but always came back.

CHAPTER 2

she left him rather hurriedly one day after he threatened to hurt her and pulled her hair or something. she packed up and drove home. 4 months pass and she is at home living with her mom. we get back in touch and im thinking, this is cool, she is broken up with the loser for several months now. so i go see her and i fall hard. pretty soon she moves in with me and we play "house". i love it, except for the fact that i have cable tv, internet, telephones, cell phones, etc.

so naturally loser boy starts sending emails, posting myspace messages about how much he misses her and he can't stand that she is with ME of all people. at one point he tells her he'll kill me. (i could so kick his scrawny ). she'll tell him to leave her alone and he cools off for several weeks but before i know it he has called or done something else. at one point she had called him!! he kept saying things to get her back, about how this religious dream she had was true and how god wants her to be with him.

during the times he was not contacting her she was in great spirits, energetic, etc. whenever he started up, she would start sleeping a lot and not being herself. i could tell she had a lot on her mind.

CHAPTER 3

so two years pass and she comes to me one day and sits me down and says she is moving out in two weeks. she is moving several states away again to live with a "friend" in the same city as loser boy. in fact, he is flying in to ride in the car on the trip. she's supposed to pick him up at the airport on her way out of town.

she says that she feels like she needs closure of her old relationship and she is convinced that he treated her badly because she wasn't on antidepressants then. she says she is clear minded now and can call him out on his bull.

naturally i start crying because i love her. she starts crying and starts second guessing whether she should go. she says she has this emotional bag that she has to get rid of and i deserve her 100%, not 95%. she asks me what she should do several times throughout the week as i waited for her to leave. she says to think of it as if she is going on vacation, and she is probably coming back really soon. i said that i wish we could find another way to resolve the mental anguish she had (was causing her to sleep a lot and basically be stressed/depressed). she said she thought long and hard and this was the only way. she also mentioned something about having second guesses as to being secure with me because i haven't talked to her about marriage and loser boy says he would marry her tomorrow. she says she knows i dont like the fact that she smokes and she can't quit yet. she says shes never been in a relationship as good as ours, and that we never fight and get along so well and that it was really rare and special.

as she drove off into the sunset (literally), she yells out the car window, "i'm coming back!"

i walked back inside and proceeded to be so sick to my stomach that i threw up. the next 2 weeks were a series of emotions. week one was flat out grief and depression. week two was more of the same but with some anger and resentment.

CHAPTER 4

i really feel like she is the one for me, and have come to a certain peace by having faith that she will once again realize what a loser the guy is and come back for good. i mean, loser boy doesn't even compare to me. he is destined for a minimum wage junkie type existence whereas i have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

at least my dog keeps the bed warm at night.

talaniman

Yes eventually. Just so you know though, they will haunt you forever. I'm 54, and still get those thoughts of yesteryear. Sometimes they are stronger than other times. Be patient with yourself, and let time be your healer. I think you are trying to avoid the pain of healing, but going backward, is an easier, softer way to deal with that pain, and accomplishes NOTHING. Letting yourself grow, and learning how to deal with your own feelings, and emotions, will reap benefits, skills, and experience, that will be with you the rest of your life. You just can't see it thru the pain yet. You will! Don't quit on yourself.

jolienoire

If you dont' feel like you can put your heart into this new relationship then take yourself out of it, you are not being fair to the other girl who you are dating. No one can tell you if you should go back with the ex, we can only give opinions. In the end you make your own decisions, and I think you want someone to agree or tell you to go for your ex, so that you can have reason to go there once again. You really don't need anyone validation, go with what you feel. Because you have to learn from your choices, If you must go there again just don't have high expectations..and be careful...

jrebel7

Hey there buzzin! Six weeks is not enough time to know how you feel about this new girl, I doubt. No, I don't think one ever gets over their first real love. As we mature and time passes, we still remember that "special" time of love and how it felt but the reality of going back, generally is not productive.

However, you may need to go through the pain that she has caused you time after time, ONE MORE TIME, before you are able to make the decision that you don't want to allow that anymore. Her track record for hurting you is extreme. I would reread all of your posts if I were you and relive the pain that each departure caused you before you make a decision.

You need to do whatever you can live with. The memories of what you had with her when things were good is all you seem to dwell on. Maybe you need another dose of reality with her. Choose well. The new girl you are now seeing, who may have so much to offer to your life and you to hers may not be around later. Best to you.

buzzin

Thanks for the insight. I guess you're right about letting go and moving on, I just hate to think 30 years from now I might have wished I made a different decision. I noticed myself that lately I am dwelling on the good things in our relationship instead of the bad. I made a top 10 list of bad things, but I tend to overlook them now. I think maybe I'm worried that I won't ever find another woman that I'll feel as strongly for. I guess I miss being in love!

jrebel7

Good Morning buzzin! I think you put it well in saying "I guess I miss being in love". You will fall in love again but in a healthier relationship. It won't happen as long as you keep fantasizing about this girl who has hurt you so many times and walked away. No one will ever measure up to your memories of her as long as you tend to only remember the times that made you feel loved, happy and content. I fell in love at a young age. I know he and I would have never made it as a married couple. I dated before him but he was my first "real love". I love my husband with a deep, abiding love, however, if I allow myself to think of the other guy, it brings forth feelings I had then so I do my best not to think of him. My husband has proven his love over and over through the years. I broke up with my first love and it was difficult not to go back with him. I have to have trust in a relationship or I will not be in that relationship. On my wedding day, he sent a telegram (which should tell you how many years ago that might have been! LOL He was on the football practice field and ran to the telegram office.) It said he still loved me and asked me not to get married.

Since we ran with a large group of friends, we know the same people in town and when I see him at city events or funerals of friends parents, etc., it tugs at my heart. I have been married now soon to be 38 years in June, have two children and five grandchildren. I love my husband and we hunt together, fish together, travel together, he helps me with my mother who has dementia and he is a great father and grandfather. I know he was the one that God intended for me to spend my life with because I prayed about it before marrying him and knew then as I still know to this day. I know I have also been good for him in his life. I knew I had a lot to offer in a relationship. My husband needed the positives I had and have to offer just as I needed what he offers to our relationship.

I still do think of the other guy at times and will probably from time to time. When a thought comes to my mind, I cast it down and get busy with other things. I only share this story that is so private, in this open forum to drive the point home I guess that we sometimes never see an end to the feelings we might have for a person. If they are toxic to us, we have to love and respect ourselves enough to move on and do what is healthy for us. I am so thankful for my life I have with my husband. The love I have for my husband is a deep, healthy, long lasting love. That is not to say we have not had our rough spots or disappointments, anger at times, sadness, etc., but through it all, he has been steadfast in my life. Please give yourself a chance for future happiness by choosing well. It takes discipline for us not to dwell on thoughts at times but it is paramount in securing a happy future.

As a footnote so to speak: I never regret my choice or wish I had choosen differently. That is not to say, I have never wondered about the "what if's" but I chose well and it was a good choice. If I had it to do over again, I would still chose to walk away from a person who I could not trust and would chose my husband over all the guys I had ever dated.

jrebel7

Buzzin, I feel like I just opened up my soul to you and millions of others and am feeling a bit vulnerable for having done so. I just know the rewards of choosing well and want that for you and others also.

talaniman

i have felt the same way, a few times. But 30 years later I'm more than happily married. You can see my "letter to the exes" where I have thanked them all for dumping me, because I eventually ended up with my true soul mate, and have babies, and grand babies, and no regrets. That doesn't mean every now and then, those exes don't haunt my thoughts, and days of past loves, don't lead to those wistful sighs, of good memories. They do. Still I wouldn't go back for all the gold in the world. You'll see.

Chery

Dear, we all have cried over spilled milk in our lives. But we also have had our joys and will always have our memories. That's what makes us who we are.

Even though I am alone now, but a very happy mother and grandmother, I have had wonderful men in my life who I will love till I take my last breath. The only mistakes I made were to keep my ex-husband too long, and to stay with my current ex-boyfriend until he threw me out because I have cancer. So, you see, we all go on that rollercoaster - sometimes not by choice, but it happens to us all. (they were both control freaks and abusers - I just realized it too late)

You will do fine, and you too will have your good memories and grow stronger and be more selective so that you will gain the chance to really be happy with your future choices.

Keep us posted and best wishes in your healing process!

buzzin

JREBEL7 - Thanks for opening up. Believe it or not, it is helpful to have some insight from someone with more experience and a different perspective based on where they are in life. So you basically had to make a choice to not see your ex anymore, even though you may still have had strong feelings. It almost sounds like you conditioned yourself to suppress those feelings when they arose.

CHERY - Thanks for sharing your experiences. The fact that someone through you out b/c you got cancer is just crazy! If nothing else it at least showed you his true colors.

TALANIMAN - I only hope I have such a positive outlook like you do later in life. Hopefully I can look back on all this and realize it was for the best and I ended up with the person I was meant to all along.

buzzin

Well I've been feeling more and more like I miss my ex, so when I spoke to her I told her she could move back in. The next day I changed my mind and decided I wanted to give her a second chance, but that she would have to move back to the same city as me and get her own place (with roommates or whatever if it makes it easier to afford). I told her I would help her get on her feet here and find a place that is dog friendly, etc. Hopefully this puts the ball back in her court and puts the decision on her. I just can't see her moving back in my house and becoming a mooch. I think she pretty much takes the easy route all the time. When she lived with me she worked about 15 hours per week and was always broke and asking me to help pay for things. She never paid any rent or bills. It was stressful having to be responsible for her. I would really like to give her a second chance but I can't have a monkey on my back holding me down either. So my compromise was offering to help her find her own place here so we could date and see how things went and EASE back into the relationship. I don't think she's going to do it because its difficult to have to pay your own rent and move in with roommates you don't know, etc.

I also came up with a list of 20 qualities I want in my perfect woman. She was missing a few (financially responsible, healthy, etc). Logically I see this as a problem, but I feel like maybe I won't find someone better and I should accept her flaws and look past them.

I also think I don't have much opportunity to meet women. My job has me behind a desk and its not like pretty young women come walking through every day. When I go home after work I pretty much play with my dogs and watch tv until its time for bed. I don't like drinking or smoking so I pretty much stay away from bars (plus the only girls I ever met in bars were ex-strippers and the kinds I didn't like bringing home to Mom!). I guess that leaves me with internet dating and the random chance encounter at a grocery store (never happened for me).

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal. =(