yet another woman has "reached her potential"

buzzin · Nov 30, 2007, 08:42 PM

sorry an old joke... there are two types of women - crazy and those that haven't reached their potential yet.

i'm sure you guys get tired of hearing the same BS but at least i can vent some here and maybe bounce around some ideas.

CHAPTER 1

7 years ago i met the woman of my dreams. before i had time to make my move, she moved several states away to live with this younger guy she met.

needless to say, i did what i could to stay in contact with her over the years. sometimes she worked at places that gave her internet access and she would email me. every so often she would call. we were really good friends but i made it clear that i was always more interested that just being friends.

3 years ago she started telling me about the things she couldn't stand about her boyfriend. he was very private but spied on her email or instant messaging with log programs. she came home from work to find him hanging out with a random girl in their apartment. he left her crying a lot to go hang out with his buddies (who she says worship him). she caught him reading some porn story about a dad molesting his daughter. she said his sex drive was crap (1x per month). they always lived in apartments or houses with a bunch of other younger people who are dropouts and party people. this guy makes like $10 an hour and dropped out of high school. he doesn't have cable tv, internet, -- normal stuff. he was always very careful to keep her as isolated from her friends and family (in another state mind you) is the way i took it. she left him at least four or five times over the years, but always came back.

CHAPTER 2

she left him rather hurriedly one day after he threatened to hurt her and pulled her hair or something. she packed up and drove home. 4 months pass and she is at home living with her mom. we get back in touch and im thinking, this is cool, she is broken up with the loser for several months now. so i go see her and i fall hard. pretty soon she moves in with me and we play "house". i love it, except for the fact that i have cable tv, internet, telephones, cell phones, etc.

so naturally loser boy starts sending emails, posting myspace messages about how much he misses her and he can't stand that she is with ME of all people. at one point he tells her he'll kill me. (i could so kick his scrawny ). she'll tell him to leave her alone and he cools off for several weeks but before i know it he has called or done something else. at one point she had called him!! he kept saying things to get her back, about how this religious dream she had was true and how god wants her to be with him.

during the times he was not contacting her she was in great spirits, energetic, etc. whenever he started up, she would start sleeping a lot and not being herself. i could tell she had a lot on her mind.

CHAPTER 3

so two years pass and she comes to me one day and sits me down and says she is moving out in two weeks. she is moving several states away again to live with a "friend" in the same city as loser boy. in fact, he is flying in to ride in the car on the trip. she's supposed to pick him up at the airport on her way out of town.

she says that she feels like she needs closure of her old relationship and she is convinced that he treated her badly because she wasn't on antidepressants then. she says she is clear minded now and can call him out on his bull.

naturally i start crying because i love her. she starts crying and starts second guessing whether she should go. she says she has this emotional bag that she has to get rid of and i deserve her 100%, not 95%. she asks me what she should do several times throughout the week as i waited for her to leave. she says to think of it as if she is going on vacation, and she is probably coming back really soon. i said that i wish we could find another way to resolve the mental anguish she had (was causing her to sleep a lot and basically be stressed/depressed). she said she thought long and hard and this was the only way. she also mentioned something about having second guesses as to being secure with me because i haven't talked to her about marriage and loser boy says he would marry her tomorrow. she says she knows i dont like the fact that she smokes and she can't quit yet. she says shes never been in a relationship as good as ours, and that we never fight and get along so well and that it was really rare and special.

as she drove off into the sunset (literally), she yells out the car window, "i'm coming back!"

i walked back inside and proceeded to be so sick to my stomach that i threw up. the next 2 weeks were a series of emotions. week one was flat out grief and depression. week two was more of the same but with some anger and resentment.

CHAPTER 4

i really feel like she is the one for me, and have come to a certain peace by having faith that she will once again realize what a loser the guy is and come back for good. i mean, loser boy doesn't even compare to me. he is destined for a minimum wage junkie type existence whereas i have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

at least my dog keeps the bed warm at night.

bushg · Dec 1, 2007, 07:11 PM

i have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

To me this sounds like a man that is not accustomed to losing. Maybe the intense love that you feel for this woman is just the result of not intending on losing. It must be a real blow for your pride and sense of accomplishment for her to choose this other man over you. Especially given the fact that he has none of your good qualities.

How dare she keep choosing someone that is not as decent, successful and educated as you are. What must she be thinking.

I would say that you are not one to just easily give up.
Have you ever stopped to consider that your not really in love, maybe you just don't want to lose. Honey, some prizes are not worth fighting for, once you have them.

Ok, so you win for the sake of winning but what do you have in the end.
Maybe you should stop making yourself available to her and let him keep her. Somethings are not worth having. Think about it.

jrebel7 · Dec 1, 2007, 07:52 PM

Life is always about choices. Some are easy and some are so difficult you think you might die if you make a certain choice as in bringing closure to a painful situation. Bushg has a valid point I believe in perceiving that you may just like to win and may be getting your desire to win mixed up with your desire to have a lasting relationship with this girl. Sounds like she likes to always call the shots regardless of the pain she causes.

I would encourage you to reread what all you wrote and the time frame of it. We never know how much time we have left on this earth. For you, I desire that your time is spent being happy and productive. One can easily get into a circle of behavior that is difficult to break out of. Whatever this girl has that 'does it for you' I believe there is someone else out there that will enhance your life, encourage you, give you the love you deserve and 'do it for you' as well. I can't blame the gal for wanting to keep you waiting in the wings. Sounds like you are her security blanket and that is a very comfortable feeling for her.

Time to make a break and save your sanity. You may need to actually let this girl know that you have waited for her but have made a decision to move on, that you have loved her but it is now over........for the sole purpose of you having closure, not for her..........I would be pretty sure she would soft talk you and try to get you to wait and be patient just a little bit longer. If you give her that opportunity you have accomplished nothing. Say the words, say good bye and don't look back, that is, if you truly want to find some happiness in your life.

Your choices as I see them after reading your post are as follows:

Choose to always be available to her and spend your life waiting (like Forrest)
Choose to close that chapter in your life, realizing she is toxic to you

If you choose #1, realize your heart will ache forever because she will never be for you what you need.
If you choose #2 realize this will hurt for awhile but if you make the break a clean break, they always heal faster than a slow tear.

buzzin · Dec 4, 2007, 10:10 AM

Thanks for the advice. What I'm going to do is cut off contact and move on. I plan on dating and seeing where it goes. I guess if it is meant to be, she'll come back when the time is right for both of us.

simoneaugie · Dec 7, 2007, 03:56 AM

just because someone doesn't have all the modern gadgets and cable hookup doesn't make them less of a human being. Not having a college education and a good job doesn't make you a bad person. Not being a smoker does not slide you up the social scale to "near perfect'. Living like a junkie can really cause relationship problems however. Perhaps she went back to him because you are so vocal about being better than other people. Of course, his relentless survival in "loserdom" has taught him to manipulate her quite well.

buzzin · Dec 7, 2007, 05:58 PM

Q: Do I feel superior than someone who drops out of high school, can't afford toilet paper, beats up girlfriends, abuses drugs, smokes, and manipulates?

A: YES

simoneaugie · Dec 7, 2007, 08:03 PM

I agree, the guy (she went back to) is a loser...But compared with Bill Gates, you're hurting! It isn't about superiority though, it's about love. I disagree with some, that you should forget her. Date around? Sure. Loving someone, even if they hang with a loser for part of their life, is not wrong. Forgiveness is never wrong. Drugs mess people up. She is messed up (emotionally anyway), but she is willing to work toward change and she does love you. I'd give her another chance if she wanted one.

One thing I don't believe you'd do is manipulate her. Love does not manipulate. People do when that's all they think will work, and don't know any better. You're smart. You write extremely well. You are educated, just take it beyond what society "appreciates" and forge an intelligent path for yourself. A path that makes you feel good inside, in your heart of hearts.

buzzin · Dec 9, 2007, 04:09 PM

Thanks for the responses. I agree, an even starting line is a good idea.



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