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So I've been a married man's mistress for the last 7 months. We've been busted by his wife and our relationship is over- he is trying to save his marriage for the sake of his kids. I'm left alone, missing him, angry, hurt, without his support. I've turned to this forum for advice. I'm on the road of seeing my mistakes, my blunders, and possibly what our relationship really was, but I still have unanswered questions.
This man came to me because he was very unhappy in his marriage. We started as friends and it turned into lovers. He did tell me that he fell in love with me, and he did tell me that he wanted a divorce from his wife. He eventually separated from her, but dragged his feet on the divorce part. I believed him that he wanted to build a life with me.
Now that it's all out, and everybody is hurt, I'm trying to examine if he was being truthful to me about loving me and wanting me as his partner (new wife), or what. What changed after we were found out. One big fat lie he told me that came out was that he was sleeping with his wife when he visited his kids all along our relationship. He told me he slept on the couch. Why did he do that? He said it made life more tolerable and bearable with his wife-got her off his back. Why has he now cut off all communication with me. Why doesn't he care how much this hurts me too? I feel like I just need to hear him say how sorry he is to have hurt me......
Ugh. If I survive this I will never do it again. But I'm not coping well. Please help with advice and insight?
Marriage is something to be respected not something to be taken lightly by him or you since you knew he was married at the time.
I wish I could find some sympathy for you but you knew going into this he was married. Honestly, what did you expect? That he would leave his wife and children and run away with you?
Also, I wouldn't call myself a mistress as though it were something to flaunt. Mistress means whore.
I would start fresh by finding someone who is single like you and leave this mess behind you.
First, I am very sorry you are hurting. I am not so sure if I would feel the same way if it were my husband that you were cheating with. But I am sorry that you hurt.
Gwyn, you made a bad choice and I do not judge you at all. Your wounds are deep I am sure. To help them heal along, imagine, just imagine how the wife feels. If your wounds are this deep, can you imagine her pain?
You will survive this. He probabably did mean everything he said to you. He was not living in reality though. You were his escape from the "normal" pain in the butt stuff of life, the stress parts of life. You were the rose between the thorns. The thorns being life and the problems it brings.
And then wam, the wife finds out. In comes reality, in comes real life. His two worlds collided and became one. There is so much more to marriage then just the husband and wife. It's a whole world that you infiltrated, of which he invited you to, and it was wrong.
He has a great deal of mending to do and so do you.
You need to start looking forward and not behind you. You are going to have to really understand what you have done. The pain that both you and he have caused. Once you fully understand that, you will have to forgive yourself and move on and work towards a healthier life.
You are going to have some very rough days ahead. But on your sadess day, please, stop yourself, and try and imagine the level of pain the wife must have felt and feels.
As I wife, I have to tell you, the pain would just cut me in two. Please try and heal yourself.
I again, am so very sorry for your pain. Some of our poorest choices in life has the potential of being valuable learning lessons if we allow them to be.
1) Realize how very wrong your choice was
2) Feel the wife's pain
3) Forgive yourself for helping to cause this pain
4) FORGET HIM!!!!!
5) Build a happy and healthy life for yourself.
I do offer you a hug *...* because I can feel your pain, even though self-imposed, pain is pain.
Learn from this and turn this awful situation into a positive.
I think you need to forget this guy. Any guy that would do that to his wife, and promise you that he is leaving his wife for you isnt worth. Who is to say that he did leave his wife, and then one day when you were together with him, he does the same thing to you. I think you are better off cutting your loses and finding someone that is not married. I am a guy and would never think about doing that. I have to much respect for women, and would never want anyone to feel that pain.
The Brutal Truth - He lied to you, constantly and he doesn't truly care about how you feel.
Sorry to see you got tangled up in his promiscuity and lies and deception, the man is a dog, but, this is why you don't play up with married people much as that might sound like a slap in the face where I dont' mean it to, from here I really hope you find someone decent that is SINGLE and are able to grow from this experience and move on.
You fell for his BS just like many others so face the fact he lied ,cheated and used you. Accept your mistake, and get on with your life, and don't make the same mistake. Eventualy you will heal and find a life that makes you happy and can pursue a healthy life.
He is not going to come around and say he is sorry for hurting you. He is busy backpedaling with his wife trying to make up and repair and recover what little shreds of the marriage are left.
I am sorry you got hooked into this, I wish you would have had better sense and foresight but you didn't and you are left holding the bag. Yes, it will take time to heal. But you will recover and hopefully be wiser the next time you meet someone you like. Married men with bad marriages are a dime a dozen - they all have the same sob story. No one understands them, no one appreciates them, blah blah blah. Well, now you do really understand him for what he really is. You can appreciate that you were only involved with him for seven months and not seven years or have children with him or contracted any disease from him. I hope you also learned that he did not come to you because he was so unhappy in his marriage. He came to you because you were available. Men can sense who they can and cannot squeeze sympathy from (women can do that equally as well).
So you have learned a great deal from all this. I truly hope you keep your eyes wide open, keep your wits about you, and not set yourself up next time. Good luck to you.
Sorry about your hurt. More sorry for his family's hurt.
I am more interested in why you put yourself in this situation to begin with. It is a perfect relationship for someone who:
- doesn't want to get too attached
- doesn't want a committment or afraid of committment
- can end it at a moment's notice
- and is only interested in the excitement and the intimacy
Is this what you wanted in the first place? Is this the first time you have been involved with a married man or is it just the first time that you have become attached?
The fact that you went after a relationship which is void of any real committment, and then hurt when he drops you for his family is very counterintuitive.
Here is my advice. I would forget this and move on. Then I would look at what you really desire out of a future relationship. When you figure this out, you will be much happier and confident going into another relationship with a SINGLE man. Good Luck!
No, I am going to be hard, he did not go to save his marriage for the sake of the kids, he told you that and you are still believing him, he did not want to pay child support, he did not want to spllit all he owned, and lastly he loves his wife more. That is why he goes back.
And I am sorry but he came to you because he found someone else to have sex with, had it not been you, it would have been another girl, if there is not another one anyway, many men with a mistress have another girlfriend on the side of all of them. And no if he really wanted a divorse he would have gotten one,
Of course he was not truthful, he made the choices now, that he would have made months ago, and you would want a man who would cheat on his wife as a husband ? sorry but you would just be the other wife most likely before the wedding bills were all paid.
Most of what he told you was lies, that is what men that cheat do, they lie to thier wifes, they lie to thier children, and they lie to thire mistriss
And of course he does not care if you are hurting, he is worried about saving the life and relatinship that is most important to him. You were a sex toy, some fun, excitment, I don't understand what is hard to understand about it, That is what most of these relationships are.
You need to get couseling to help you first get over this, and next to fully understand what a bad thing you were doing.
I can't say that I'm sorry for you because I am a wife in the situation you just described only my husbands mistress isn't gone completely yet. I know how it feels to be hurting and the bast advice I can give is to take some time and find a single guy that you like and that will be honest with you and love you without loving another woman. I wouldn't worry about him apologizing because it will probably never happen. I've been cheated on in past relationships but I can tell you it is harder when kids are involved because I have two myself. Just take some time and you'll eventually find a guy that does truly care about you and makes you happy.
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