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Bjo · Dec 9, 2006, 08:53 AM

My now ex partner and I were on a trip over thanksgiving it didn't go well at the end. My now ex partner said we should do conseling and I agreed. We didn't talk for a few days and the next thing I heard was I broke up with her. My ex dose not want to talk to me but, wants to do conseling maybe. Should I keep going with the conseling appointment, give up and tell her to bring me my things or do I keep hoping it will work out. She wants no contact with me but, we have almost all the same friends and I will see my ex tonight. What do I do?

talaniman · Dec 9, 2006, 09:12 AM

How old are the two of you and how long has this relationship lasted. Just a few more details please like why are you seeing her tonight? To talk, a date, a party or what?

BlazingCold · Dec 9, 2006, 09:13 AM

Yeah, more info would be a plus.

Bjo · Dec 9, 2006, 09:15 AM

I am 46 and my ex is 52. The party is for a friend - new job. We have been together for 1.5 years with no big issues -

valinors_sorrow · Dec 9, 2006, 09:22 AM

Originally Posted by Bjo

My now ex partner and I were on a trip over thanksgiving it didn't go well at the end. My now ex partner said we should do conseling and I agreed. We didn't talk for a few days and the next thing I heard was I broke up with her. My ex dose not want to talk to me but, wants to do conseling maybe. Should I keep going with the conseling appointment, give up and tell her to bring me my things or do I keep hoping it will work out. She wants no contact with me but, we have almost all the same friends and I will see my ex tonight. What do I do?

One important thing you can do is quit participating in creating confusion. There is a "first things first" in this to recognise...

When you see your ex tonight, ask:
1. Is counseling still on? If no, then ask...
2. Are we broken up? If yes, then ask...
3. When can I get my stuff back?

See how that's done now? Easy peasy.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2006, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by Bjo

I am 46 and my ex is 52. The party is for a friend - new job. We have been together for 1.5 years with no big issues -

No relationship= No counceling
No relationship= Get stuff back

Relationship=Counceling (for what?)
Why is she wanting you and her to go to counceling, and why do you agree, if you haven't had any major issues so far, and what went wrong on Thanksgiving?

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 9, 2006, 10:48 AM

I agree with tal, why does she request that you have counseling alone if there is no hope for the relationship to be salvaged?

Is she suggesting that you need counseling? Or does she want you to go to counseling and resolve some issue before you reconcile?

Why can't you both go to counseling? Is the problem hers or your's?

Or is the problem the relationship itself?

In which case, why not joint counseling?

Just some questions you may need to ask yourself.

Allheart · Dec 9, 2006, 01:00 PM

BJO,

One thing I did notice in your posts is that you don't make mention as to how you feel about the relationship or her.

What are your thoughts on all of this? How do you feel about all that has taken place?

Bjo · Dec 9, 2006, 08:00 PM

I love her with all my heart - I have never felt so connected to someone. I would do anything for her. My last relationship of 11 years dosen't compare to the love that is here. I have my issues that need to be resolved from my past and she dose not always communicate very well. I just don't want to give up but, it is riping me apart. About 12 of my friends had dinner together she was there and could hardly talk to me but, says wants to do counseling. She left with two of friends and went to another party. I was suppose to go with her and then when we broke up the invite was pulled. My other friends were going to one persons house to play cards but, I couldn't do it. I look all over my house and I see her in everything. In the 1.5 years we have gone on 4 trips and they all were very cool. I want her back but, she keeps telling me to back off. What do I do??

valinors_sorrow · Dec 9, 2006, 09:22 PM

I would do as she requests, at least for now. If she takes too long to get back to you, or if you get tired of waiting without a better understanding of what is happening, then contact her at some point. In the meantime, work on you -- to correct any of your muddled thinking or your ambiguious communication. Before you speak to her again, be very clear in your own mind what you are and are not willing to do to either put this relationship on a forward track or end it so you can speak clearly about such matters. Good luck.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2006, 10:12 PM

Back off and do not contact her. Give her time to get her own mind together and take the time to get your mind together. You two may have had fun and been committed, but the lack of communication has you at a cross in the road. If it isn't personal what are the issues that you have you need to work on? Whatever they are resolve them. Give her space a while and then when the emotional dust settles between you maybe then you can talk. Work on yourself for now.

s_cianci · Dec 10, 2006, 01:10 PM

I'd back off and leave her alone. You can see a counselor if you really feel you need to but if you don't, then don't let her feed you ideas. Get busy with interests and activities that you enjoy and that don't include her. Get involved with your friends playing cards, dining out, taking trips, whatever you like to do. Join a bowling league or a dance club. If you happen to ever be in her presence, be cordial but keep it light ; no mention of the past and no pressure to get back together or go to counseling or anything like that. Let her see that you're having a good time and doing perfectly fine without her.