and not wanting what I already have... wanting it when i lose it... and letting meaningful relationships slip through my fingers...

HELP. How do I fix this????
ive let 9s and 10s slip through my fingers and ones i really loved move on because i was apprehensive to settling down

i apologize that this is a bit of a rant and there's scattered questions... im kinda scatterbrained with everything ive got going on with my breakup...
i wasn't the best partner in the world. i really liked her. i obsess about her now. i broke up with her and then realized i messed up. I went through months of heartache - exhausting work, hardest work in the world, and finally got her back. then things wern't going so well -there was some distance. i didn't let her move in and marry me right away i think is the real issue. it was only a 2 year relationship. and she broke up with me... now i heartache again and im going through the pain of loss right now. abandonment, jealousy, lonliness, hate, dispair, grief, all rolled into 1. i groveled to get her back and promised her EVERYTHING including rings and marriage and all (stupid i know). That is what she wanted just months ago... Hell, even two weeks ago, we went on a date and i think she was waiting for me to pop the question... I didnt -but i was really thinking about it... she was down to go out to dinner and even stay a night at a hotel. we didnt do the hotel thing cuz i was a little pushy on kissing her and the date ended prematurely. i IMd her at work too much and Now she wont return my calls or texts and blocked me on AIM and its a real blow. She says she wants to avoid all contact. I guess my question is-- Can someone love you so incredibly much but because you dont offer commitment to them, block you out completly? I mean I would have married this girl if she would have waited. But she needed it NOW and has been pressuring me to move in since week 2 that i knew her. When we split, she moved in with a guy. and now, after this breakup, shes moving in with some other guy. i guess i just dont get love. i think sometimes i loved her for her but she loved me for what i had to offer. I loved her (and obsess now) but she saw that i was stable, successful, could provide money and a house. Are all girls like this? i know she sounds like a B and i sound like an idiot for getting involved with her and everyone tells me i should RUN... but i fell for her hard for some reason. I know i sound stupid too when i say this but I think guys can be the recipient of emotional abuse too. After she broke up with me, I got blamed for everything, and she never ever apologized for anything, the relationship failed because of me,every nice thing i ever did was for bad intentions, every bad thing was blown way out of proportion, every extremely considerate thing was rejected. i try to listen to her feelings but she doesn't give a crap about mine. when she complains about me i say sorry, but when i complain about her shes like "im done i dont want to talk to you anymore, and hangs up." shes really vindictive and mean and i hate it!!!! i even gave her money because she said she was sill paying off the debt to come visit me when i was away. im a sucker and i got manipulated. shes a drama queen and i got played im so frustrated but im still sooo drawn to trying to get her back. im stuck in a rut, dealing with jealousy depression and ocd. ive never written so many letters, love and hate, that i never send but vent my thoughts... im so aggravated and yet so upset. i feel like im going nuts and i have so little game to pick up new chicks. im a pathetic mess for a dood right now.

i learned about getting a girl back the first time you cant talk about the relationship you can only basically talk about casual things and validate all of her arguements . all of her gripes you have to say, you know you were right. You;re right to feel that way and heres a solution. they run out of complaints and start telling you how much that they *hate* you because they still really like you. I just cant talk to her now to pull that off...


i guess i always look back and i need to start looking foreward. did I dodge a bullet? im totally gonna get flamed, i know cuz my storys so wack- eh.

twinkiedooter

She was the type who falls in love every week and wants to move in right away. You, on the other hand like to take things slow and deliberate. I think you dodged the bullet with this one as she was way ahead of you in the relationship and was not interested in waiting for you to catch up to her. That's why she immediately moved in with other guys. It's her thing.

You, on the otherhand need to find a girl who is not so quick to want to move in with you and shack up right away. Those type of girls are too fast for you. You need to cultivate a relationship and if the girl is not willing to do this, then it is HER loss. Keep looking honey. There are more fish in the sea - you just have to catch the right one for you.

naivedude

can i tell her we got along fine 2 weeks ago and we spent 2 years involved with each other... what happended? no of course not! shes making me out to be creepy and its not like that!!! How come she insists on making sure i pay for it? she says stuff like You’re not listening to me, I don’t want to hang out, I don’t want to talk anymore, I’m done with everything. You need to stop contacting me all together, you keep saying we need to hang out, but no we don’t I’ve moved on in my life and I don’t need to feel uncomfortable anymore. Just reading this email made me feel uncomfortable and like you are smothering me.--- i feel like an A$ $ and im not a creepy stalker or anything. im backing off but thats comming from someone that was sooo in love with me and i just dont get it. i get the message tho and im not talking to her but seriously W TF!!!! how could you be like this? could i let her know that there is no comming back and that she's passing this opportnity up for good? but im sure its not good for me. aarg i never let her move in because i was afraid that was the only thing she loved about me. IS THAT STUPID OF ME???

JBeaucaire

Deep breaths. More deep breaths. Feeling calm now? Good. Keep doing that.

You want to find some peace here, and I bet you believe that peace will come from "understanding her thinking" through all this and figuring out some way that she "realizes what she's given up"...sound about right? Ok.

That's not going to work. Worse, it wastes so much of your energy on something that won't change in any way once you toss all the extra mental anguish at it. In the end, she'll still be gone, she still won't like you or accept any blame, and you'll be frustrated because deep down you know she's responsible for a lot of went wrong with you two and she won't admit it....UGH!!

<Phew> Ok. Now we're ready to start over.

Dude, the reason people do the "no contact" thing after a hard break up is to avoid all the futile negative stresses you're experiencing right now. Every single phone call, text message, voice message, ANY contact with her rips open the scabs completely and leaves you bleeding and shaking with frustration. Doesn't it? Doesn't IT??

You have got to find the strength to put FEET on the reality that exists between you two...your are broken up. Now go to your separate corner and DO NOT LET anything with her influence on it back in...least of all her voice or even herself. It's not going to work. You can't win, you can't get closure that way.

The feelings you have for her aren't gone making it all the worse. You have to man up and shut this thing down by the strength of your mind and your spine. Do it. Make the breakup real, go NC. (no contact)

Since you love(d) so deeply, keep in mind that means you CAN. That means as soon as your heart is given the opportunity to start pining after someone new, it might happen. But only if you force those situations to occur. You must get back out there. Date up a storm. Relax the strings of what you need and just have some fun...lots of fun. Distract your mind and enjoy your days.

You'll always feel things for this girl, but this breakup will always hurt when you think about it. You need to get your life going again so the # of times you think about it start to diminish.

Good luck, dude. You can do it.

nickshehe

If you asked me, like you said, you dodged a bullet...
This girl seems completely inappropriate for you..You can't be pressured into a decision like that, and because you can't give it to her she's already replaced you?
This girl has issues, and it's not your fault - but I understand where you're coming from..I was in a relationship where much like you I felt constantly emotionally abused. I would always put my pride down, I would always put more effort into our relationship than she would, I would back down from arguments..If things weren't going well I would do everything in my power to patch things up for us, so we didn't go to sleep angry at eachother..She treated me like s * * t. But I loved her. It's sick and it's twisted but it happens..the irony is that she left me..it wasn't supposed to happen that way - but it did
The good news?
I still miss her a lot. But I know she wasn't doing me any good - and you will find that out too in due time. It always takes two to tango, though in this case she should shoulder most of the blame. But this shouldn't matter. What you should do is detach yourself from this crazy moment you are in. Where everything doesn't seem real anymore. Nothing makes sense. Two weeks ago things were white with this girl now they are black. The world has turned on its back e.t.c e.t.c. I know - I've been there, as many others have before you and I. Don't torture your heart and your mind. Take a step back from all of this crazyness, and reflect on yourself.
Things will get better, and like JBeaucaire mentioned, NC is the first step. Don't break it. Let her be - and if and when she returns, be strong. You don't need this type of girl in your life. Especially for the rest of your life.

nickshehe

btw to add to that.
I recall times when I was with her when she treated me the way she did..and I would think to myself "should I end things..?...I deserve so much better than this..." and I never did. When she left me I was on my knees begging her to come back to me..
So don't feel bad. Now that the emotion is gone I can see that in the long run this will be for the best. Always think of the long run.
good luck

naivedude

everyone makes a lot a sense and i agree and appreciate everyones input. i wish that the person i loved was as rational and understanding as any of you. i feel compelled, as always, to justify her end of the story because im a fair person. of course she would never do the same for me, period. she was always very judgemental and once her mind was made up, thats the way it stayed. a very cold and stubborn person. but i also tell her side so i can further justify my own past decisions.
when we met she immediatly knew all my friends and family, better than i did in many cases. my dad got a christmas card that said "here's to many more christmas's to come" and he was weirded out by it. i felt weird when she was talking to all my friends and a sense of, almost invasion, set in... she had a fire at her parent's house and "needed some place to stay." being that i had only just met this person 3 weeks ago, i wouldnt let her. and it worked out okay... she found a place with her parents in a nice area. i ended up staying with her alot though and probably took advantage of the fact that she lived near my work. so i took advantage of her i think... we lived together and had a great time, with a very physical relationship, one that im still drawn to sadly, but i was always very hesitant to live with her. i think its possible that she did certain things sexually so that it would keep me around for good.
well then came the big blow--- i ended up getting the job of a lifetime but in another state. i moved from ca to nv but i didnt bring her along. why, i dont know. if she got a place next door to me i would have been delighted but i didnt want to live with this person. i think living with her anywhere was just rushing things and i also think that you're right- i wanted to be slow and deliberate. so every weekend i would see her or she would come see me and it was planned that she would eventually move to be with me. when i completed the entrance level to this new position, she thought i was going to propose to her. WHAT A RUSH!! im sorry for putting this girls hopes and dreams off for a bit but dang i just want some time for us to develop. i ended up breaking up with her soon after that, further destroying her hopes for me and it tears me apart that i would do that to her because i know she really loved me and it was hard on her. im so sad because im sure she was devastated. im so very regretful for being mean but it was because i was being pushed to marry her or else... and she became very impatient with me and suddenly i went through the first round of groveling and begging for her back. saying... 'i made a mistake.' by that point, only two months later, she was dating someone new. she wouldnt leave him for me. wel suddenly there came a day where i was confident and i could talk to her plainly and i told her that i was doing very well and that she was right to feel the way she did and that she was right about a lot of things. she ended up breaking up with him and came back to me, but only after it wasnt going very well for them... nonetheless, i was delighted, to say the least, and i took things very slow and let her make all the first moves. we had an amazing first encounter, one so desperatly needed at the time. well then things didnt change for her, she thought i was going to marry her and live with her, things i told her i would do, eventually do, but it didnt happen soon enough and i upset her. i dont think she wanted to go through anymore delays. she suddenly got kicked out of her house and had to go somewhere. again i wasnt there for her and she moved in with her female friend. everything was always very dramatic and i had to rescue her. maybe i was at fault again for not being more open. a month later i started asking her when she could move in with me and she said she was no longer interested...
so that brings us to today, 2 months after she broke up with me, 2 weeks after a really nice date with her however, but i was too pushy with all the text messages and now im still am crazy about her.
its not much of a relationship and the fact that i probably wronged her in many ways by not letting her live with me, ruined things. i think in the end, our relationship was danmed because as much as i could have given in to letting her live with me, i needed to know that she was right for me first, slowly, before letting her quit her job and moving to a new state and housing with her. maybe that sounds chicken $hit but i wanted it to be slower and to love her completely before we moved in together. like i said if she lived next door we would see eachother everyday and it would have been wonderful. maybe im an a$$. i asked her one time if she would move out here and get a place of her own and she scoffed...
recently, as a last ditch effort i put everything on the line and said i would give her the ring and the promise... well, only to be shut down.
was i wrong? i very well could have been. i just want to justify the way i felt... its messed up and i know that if i were on the answering side of this i would say i dodged a bullet and i theres much greener grass... i should start a another New and Fresh relationship but i still miss her... i second guess myself all the time and mind f everything...

so there... a good explanation of why i couldnt commit to her sooner... i take important things like marriage slow. as i think it should be taken. should i send her an email telling her why and that if she was willing to wait just a few more months we could both have done it and despite the bumpy road i have always loved her...??? cuz thats the truth and she doesnt see it that way. she sees it as me breaking promises and trust problems

i am willing to reason but she does not. i am willing to talk about our issues but she says goodbye

can i just send her the link to this thread? it will resolve evrything

nickshehe

Im 100% against linking her to this thread..You two obviously have compatibility issues..You both want different things at this moment in your life..Your logic does not coincide with hers..You have a forum of people agreeing with your perspective, and Im sure if she came on and told her story, she would have her group of supporters as well.
I've found in most situations where I try to use logical points in an argument with someone who is stubborn and who has her own opinion, it would only make them angrier because I would be insisting constantly and doubting her "beliefs". The "mistake" you feel guilty about is not rushing into moving in with her and getting married when you weren't sure...Dude, thats not a mistake...Maybe you shouldn't have dumped her the first time. But I believe you should have taken that first time as a hint towards what it is thats coming your way. She wants "x" things. You want "y" things...The only reason you want to marry her now is because you lost her. You're wrong in promising her anything now-I'm sure deep down inside you know your self that if you two were together you would have probably come on these forums to post about feeling pressured by this girl who wants marriage e.t.c e.t.c. She knew what you wanted, you knew what she wanted - it just can't work if they are different things.
Can't you see that this girl has a pattern of rushing into things?
She wanted to live with you within 3 weeks. Scenarios kept coming up where she would get a chance to move in..
Let her go.

naivedude

i will do just that- let her go. and no looking back. - thank you for putting time and effort into helping me. you are a commendable person for not even knowing me and putting so much time, and typing so much, to help a stranger. pretty cool of everyone here. some good people...

nickshehe

We're all on the same boat.
So when you have your moments of weakness just vent on these forums and someone'll help you out :]
Or share what you've learned from your experience to others seeking advice..I came on here a "victim of love" -much like you..and I stuck around..tried to share what I learned from love, and I try to follow my own advice..We're all human and we all make mistakes after all.