wife left me and im finding so hard

a_sad_man_a_fool · #1 Feb 17, 2008, 01:41 AM

Well its be just over 3 weeks since my wife left the house to move into rented accommodation just a 2 minute walk away. Oh i wish she wasnt so close.

So i will give at bit of the background to our lives.

We met online 6 years ago, and we totally hit it off. We both had our previous marriages fall apart but for different reasons. She moved up to my area with both her children as she had no ties where she was living, and we finally moved in together after a few months but then her ex started to turn her kids against her and me so to cut a long story short they went to live with there father. To which it absolutely crucified her.

I have 2 children from my first marriage to which i see once a week and every other weekend, they are aged 8 and 9

So when her children left to live with there dad we developed the relationship into something that was really special, we did everything together it it felt so good. The bond between her and my children was real close too.

Two years later her youngest child who was 11 was unhappy living with his dad, as he is quite a dominating character and wasnt allowed to get up to much. So it went through the courts and he came back to live with us to which i was genuinely happy and quite excited at the thought. I wanted to be a real dad to him and do things and basically just be a normal happy dad to him. But in reality it never happened, which is something i will always regret. I took him places and did things but the connection i have with him is not as close as with my own children, which really got to my wife. I always told her that the bond you have with your own children is just there, just a natural process but unfortunately she never thought this was the case. Maybe im wrong.

Another big problem was my wife wanted me, her and her son to go abroad on holiday just the three of us and not take my two children. Her reasons where to make her son feel he was part of the family and as he now is 14 and mine are younger, My children would have more chances of just going away on their own with us in the future. I really rejected this idea and it was the cause of many heated arguments.

Also her son is always getting in to trouble at school been temporarily excluded about 10 times in the last 3 years to which i feel there is no sanctions made at home after he gets into this trouble. He is not a thug just he don't no how to control his mouth, that gets him into trouble. I never was the one to hand out any of the discipline and left it to his mum to deal with. It only caused a problem when my children came and they did the normal young kids things, goading,pushing arguing with each other that really got on my wifes nerves and then she wanted to take things off them. I take them to see there nana for an hour every weekend and my wife always wanted me to stop that if they wasnt behaving as she wished. Which i have no problem with but then her son rarely had any punishment dished out to him.

Two xmas's ago though he did go out of control, abusive, threatening and being a right dumb , so much that he went into the care system for a month. So that xmas was not a good one and when my children came all me wife did was play on the pc and didnt really interact with my kids to which i didnt understand at the time.....a fool you may say.
After this episode of him going into care, my mum used it as an excuse to totally blank her from her life and not allow him to go round not that he really wanted to. So that put a wedge between me and my wife ...but ive argued so many times with my mum about it. How wrong it was as he never did anything against her and it just made my life so difficult.

So you could say theres been so many problems with children that has been a major factor the demise of our marriage . She always told me i was her rock which helped her get through those real difficult times.

I have really not helped in other ways too, i never really helped with the housework and we have lived here just over 5 years together and ive not really touched the decorating, which she really wanted doing. With the housework its just the case she always did it from day one and i for one never stopped her....so you could say i was totally selfish and with the decorating i wanted us to do it together as it is more fun.

I do work around 55 hours a week at work so im not a lay about

I big error we made i feel is when we got her son back is we stopped doing things together like going out and just enjoying each others company....how stupid

My wife has changed a lot since taking a new job in a custody suite in a police station, its a tough job and i know she does a good job and im guessing its given her a greater confidence about herself, especially in a male dominated world. I not saying she is seeing someone else but the attention she gets my take her to look at what her husband is like.

She did threaten to leave me 8 months ago because of the problems but we talked, cried it through together and things did change for a while. We made time for each other, went out for lunch for a few weeks but then we stopped doing it...why i dont know

So about 6 weeks ago she went out with her female friend who she said had a problem, so when she came back i asked her about it but she wouldnt tell me, which is something we always did but she said she couldnt. I kept going on about it, she went out to friends and i still kept on at her through her mobile which got her so mad to the extent the next day she went down the estate agents and sorted her current housing out. When we have arguments its me who wants to sort it there and then but she likes to give the cold shoulder and let it stew in her head....this does annoy me so much

It took about 3 weeks for her house to be ready to move into to, so we continued to live together, when not at work she did go to friends houses a lot but when she was here we did get on so well at times. Made love a few times and i was hoping her moving out would relieve the pressure and we could develop a stronger marriage for the future.

It felt at times like when we first met and i text and we talked so much on the phone when she was at work. I text her "that it feels like ive just met her" and she replied "ditto" and that night she had to come home from work early as she so upset the sergeant sent her home, she says she was telling him she couldnt understand why she was leaving such a nice easy going man....dont think she feels like that now.

She did say at the begging of the process of finding a new house that we had to much good together to lose and did change her mind but in 24 hours it had changed again and she was moving out. I did ask her if she wanted me then and she replied "i want you but i dont want you" confusing eh

Since she been gone ive just felt so numb, ive done it all. Write the letters, phone her message her online. When we just are friendly and im helping her it just feels so right but then when i talk about us she tells me im putting pressure on her and all im looking for is a hope she has not given up on us. She called me today going into work and it got round to putting pressure on her. Why cant she see whats she doing to me.

Since she been gone ive started decorating, my house is clean but ive got not much interest in anything else, i dont eat much, lost about a stone in weight and gone up to about 40 cigarettes a day.

When im in a marriage as it is my 2nd i tend to forget about other things and happy with what i have. So really i only have one true friend who is a real good mate where she has many she can call on, not that she is down over the marriage, she gives the impression shes happy with her choice and it just beats me up inside.....im just so lonely she was my best friend and now shes gone

I know i had to change and ive started,mainly coz i have to as im here on my own. I know i could make her happy. Ive said about the holiday with her son but the horse has already bolted and making the time for each other to make ours a happy fun marriage.

Me and her son do get on fine, he was round here yesterday asking me for some help with stuff and i know its no good forcing her to try and make her come back and she has to want to.....but i feel it just so right and i would make a truly good husband. These 3 weeks have made me look at myself and i would be a better husband

I feel the odds are stacked against me and she enjoying the time without me and it wont be long before she is tempted to try for a better man.... i have that to deal with.

I did mean the world to her, ive re read the letters she used to send and ive made a women who did truly love me turn into someone who is now just a friend and she says without a friendship there is no chance. So thats why i need a little bit of hope off her. She says she loves me but the feelings are not as deep as they was

Ive messed up big time and dont i feel the pain now..........

xphelper · Feb 17, 2008, 04:22 AM

Hello,

Many of us have shared your pain. The grieving process is normal as well. I have personally experienced all the pain that you describe and I can only tell you that it will lessen over time. The old saying "time heals all wounds" is really true. I know you cannot appreciate that right now but you will heal! I got through my troubled times by taking long, vigorous walks several times a day. This type of exercise will help to make you tired and relax your mind at the same time. You will heal... just keep yourself busy!

a_sad_man_a_fool · Feb 17, 2008, 10:57 AM

Thanks for the replies and i realise it will take time and the pain will lessen but at the minute times not moving to fast. Ive just taken the kids back to their mum from my 1st marriage and i am trying to focus on them. I have been playing board games with them this afternoon but that thought of wanting my wife here as well is always in the back of my mind.

I dont really feel my kids really understand how sad their dad is, i keep the tears to more private moments as i know they would be crying with me. I try and keep my stress levels down and make their time with me as enjoyable as i can at the moment.

As ive said before i have been down this road before, and i'm trying to recall how i got through it and the simple answer is ....i dont know....but i did. I think my current ex (sounds weird) helped me through it, i guess as we met about 4 months after my previous break up . This one should of been for keeps as she had feelings for me that she had never experienced before.

Its now 19.55 in the uk and this is the time when im just sitting down the pain and the loss really hits home, but tomorrow is another day and ive decided its a day to quit the cigarettes mainly for financial reasons, its gonna be difficult but its something to focus my mind on.

Kirill · Feb 22, 2008, 11:39 PM

I understand your feelings. My wife left me yesterday. We have passed 9 years mark but stay unable to keep our family. I have no children and feel myself loneliness. It is good to have a chance to get over the pain by focusing on someone you've really love or someone why loves you.

It is curious thing... I believe she took a final decision after reading a book I chose to perform a self analysis on myself. I tried to change myself and take as match as possible attention to her feeling and demands. Unfortunately this requires a lot of time. Maybe I was not fast enough... We spend only two month then she choose to leave.

I'm going to focus on my job and will visit my relatives more often. Thank God I'm self employed. I need only my MacBook and a internet connection to travel and keep my small business alive.

Thanks for listening.

a_sad_man_a_fool · Apr 25, 2008, 11:24 PM

well its been about 3 months since she dumped me and like a fool we have been in contact everyday in some form, and even going round each others houses for coffee. As i liked the contact and didnt want to let go

She has had problems with her son, to the extent she has threw him out the house and has no contact with him at all... he's only 14. He is a bit of a tearaway but i do feel for him as he hasnt got any contact now with both of his parents. I still see him in the street as he has moved into a friends house , and we talk its ironic that its me being totally normal with him where my ex reckons it was how there was nothing between us (me and her son) that caused her feelings to change. That and a lot of other things as well

Well during the times weve talked ive been there for a shoulder to cry on always trying to be the friend i always have been. I know its not been the right thing to do

Shes been telling all kind of things about her sexual fantasies shes having and like a nutter i just listen. Thinking how can you change so much. Its like shes a 43yo women and thinking like shes in her teens and just discovered sex. Its so unbelievable

Well over the last 3 weeks shes been telling me about a man she fancies at work...he is a bit of a player. She kept telling me he's out of her leauge and i was giving her advice ...do i need my brain looking at. Well basically she threw herself at him, she told me all what she wrote in texts to him. Its not been good thinking she is wanting someone so desperately

I get a call yesterday from her saying she is feeling confused and i ask her whats up. She says i slept with him last night. I got told all of the details of what went on, and to be honest this is not the women i married, it was not pretty what she said. She was sort of regretting it as she feels she will become a f**k buddy for him and all he will need to do is give her a call... i just felt numb

We sort of talked last night on msn and i'd had a few beers, and i called her a slapper and it didnt go down to well with her ( i regret it now) but from that moment i knew i had to do something for myself. She called about 5 times and its the first time ive ignored her and i ignored what she was saying on msn. She telling me she hoping to get it with this man tonight as well. I just thought pathetic

So i hope i be joining the no contact thread soon, its gonia be tough because i always thought we would have some kind of contact for ever, but i know we wont as she once had no contact with her family for 20 years so she will do it and i have to as well. She only lives about 500m away and i have to pass her house to go to work but the good thing is she wont be looking out for me. If shes is it will be only to throw something in my face as that slapper comment really did get to her

The hardest thing is, is that i still fancy her something rotten

N0help4u · Apr 26, 2008, 06:41 AM

sounds to me like she was being a bit unrealistic. She wants you to bond with her son and not look like you favor yours over her son yet she expects you to take her and her son to Europe
Sounds like her bonding with your kids isn't as important to her as your bonding with her son.
Her idea of time together alone is good....BUT EUROPE! NAH! A trip to the mall or the fishing hole for a few hours just you and him is being realistic.
Her idea of the three of you in Europe would only level the playing field in that your sons would feel less equal rather than her son feeling closer to you. Besides with mom in the picture to his way of thinking, it would be mom and him and you as the tag along.
Seems to me mom was just looking for an excuse for a trip to Europe.

Sounds like she wants 'her way or the highway' the more you push her for answers the more she is going to use it as an excuse to put a wall up, distance herself and even have resentments.
If you give into her it will be 'give her an inch and she will TAKE a mile'.
So there is really nothing you can do to make it work with her.



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