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Hi, this is my first time posting here, and I feel a little silly about it. My wife and I have been married a little over 4 years, but we have recently had a problem. Her ex-boyfriend called her up. He had been searching for her ever since hurricane Katrina(she lived in New Orleans before). I told her how it made me feel when she talked to him on the phone, so She said they would just e-mail a couple times. He also expressed that he was hoping that she wasnt married. So, of course after a couple of e-mails, her sent her a long sappy e-mail about how she is so perfect and he misses her, and so on and so forth. Before he sent this e-mail, my wife agreed to stop communication with him. that was 3 weeks ago. They have talked about their past, and they have a unique connection between them that my wife and I dont have. He is in a band and they will be in Seattle sometime this summer. Naturally, she wants to go. I told her I would feel comfortable about it, but if I went with her, I wouldnt mind if she went. She doesnt want to go with me. She says it would be to akward, that I would bring her down. About a week ago, they started chatting and they said that they miss each other and tell each other that they still love each other. He also mentioned about how he remembered how nice her legs were. I cant take it anymore, I dont know what to do. We are in Wash State and he is in AZ. I am not worried about physical cheating, emotionally I feel I've already lost her. I've asked her if the roles were reversed, she admitted to probably feeling the same way that I do. We are going to sign up for marriage counseling, but until then I am a wreck. We have a 4 year old daughter, and I admittingly have been distant from her. She is killing our marriage and family, but doesnt seem to care. Thanks for any advice............
YOU MUST communicate how you feel. She MUST stop this communication. It's NOT healthy.
She SHOULD respect your feelings. You need to ask her to stop. If she doesn't OR goes behind your back, you may see really what type of person she is.
You can still love some one, but not be in love.
You also do not want to come across as needy, desperate - you WILL push her away. Tell you you love her, tell her you want this to stop and NO it's not OK - NO it's NOT harmless.
The GOOD thing is they were BROKE for a reason. She needs to remember WHY they are not together - women tend to remember the good and forget the bad.
I am guessing there must be other problems in your marriage if she is doing this. I strongly advise going to a professional counselour immediately and find out what REALLY is wrong in your marriage.
Have YOU gone soft, do you listen? Do you pay attention?
Thanks for the reply. She knows exactly how I feel. She keeps saying "what are you worried about, we live 2500 miles away?" Everything is not always physical. This is emotional. ITs not that we are having problems, its that my wife and I are different people. I am into sports and normal guy things, she is more spiritual. We dont connect on certain levels. He does connect with her on those levels. she wanst to have a link from her past, and I understand that, but she has broken my heart and does everyday she talks to him.
At first I thought you were a little insecure but your wife's reluctance to have you at this concert with her and the e-mails have me a little worried. If there is nothing going on there would be nothing to hide,so I think this is more than insecurity on your part. You both need to sit down and have a long talk and air both your feelings and a compromise can be reached if both parties are willing. A profesional could be the best thing but in the meantime keep talking!
Seeing the counselor is a good idea. However I think you need to be a little more firm than just going to a counselor which is going to cost you many hundreds of dollars. Give her an ultimatum ; either she cease any and all further contact with the ex-boyfriend, including when his band comes to Seattle this summer, or it's over, you pack your bags and leave (or better yet throw her out of the house) and take her to court over custody of your daughter. A lot of people will probably think I'm being too harsh but you've been married for 4 years. She is married to you, not this other guy nor anyone else. She's even admitted that if the situation were reversed she wouldn't like it and I'm sure she wouldn't. She had no business entertaining any communication from this guy when it first occurred. His concern for her in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was admirable but she should have told him firmly but nicely "Thanks for your concern but I'm married now. Please don't contact me any more." Then, if he continued to try and contact her, she should have ignored it, even changing your phone number if necessary, which isn't too hard to do. Actually, if not for possible legal complications, I'd almost advise you to call this guy yourself and threaten him with something like "call my wife again and you're dead meat!" Depending on how brazen he is that just might scare him off so that he doesn't contact her any more. Unfortunately in this day and age such behavior can get you in a lot of trouble so I really can't recommend you do that, so you're just going to have to work on your wife instead. Ask her if she wants to be responsible for breaking up your home and family because, as the end of your posts says, that's exactly what she's doing.
I am assuming that we are all males responding. Any females out there?I decided to show my wife the posts and I did forget to say a few things in my original post, but it still doesnt change anything though. First off, she did offer to take her brother to the concert with her, but how hard would it be for him to go off and do his own thing. Second, she did say she'd stop after a few days but said she would resent me for a very long time.. My response to that is knowing how I feel, she should have just stopped talking to him, not made me feel bad for wanting her to stop. I also wanted to clarify that she does not talk to him on the phone anymore. That was just for the first few days. Now they just talk via e-mail and in chat rooms. s_cianci, I'm not ready to go that far, thanks for the response though.
1. If you do not like her "talking" "emailing" and the such, she should not.
2. This is not innocent after the first couple of emails.
3. If she was just going, she would love you to go with her and show you off, I went to my wifes high school reunion and there were several ex boyfriends there.
4. Of course she plans on cheating with this guy if she is not already.
Sorry but I would be strict and straight with her, about how you feel, if she cares for you, she will understand and not continue this relationship.
this is an ex she is talking with. It's weird because she ALSO forgetting why they broke in the first place - women do this - they only remember the good.
You both have a lot invested in this.
HUGE red flag that she doens't want you to go to the concert.
Sooooooo, let me get this straight........SHE is going to resent YOU if you dont let her talk to her ex? Thats some F'ed up stuff right there. Also, it doesnt matter if they are talking on the phone, text, internet or what........is not right. How old is she? How long have you been married/together? Any kids with her? WATCH YOURSELF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you have no kids with her, dont do something silly like get her pregnant. If the tables were turned and you were doing this, she would NOT be ok with this at all. I would sit her down and have a SERIOUS talk with her. Best of luck to you, but it doesnt look good at all.
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