I am 42 years old and married 14 years back and having one daughter of 13 years old. After maaried 6 years we were staying together continuisly. After that I dropped my wife and child at my native with my perents and I am working out side my country and once in four to six months I go to my native and stay around 20 to 30 days depend on the leave I get from my company. My wife and myself was having good understanding and I have given full freedom. Around four years back she got a job in my native and she got chance to mingle with gents and ladies. My wife and me was in good love and we have good sex during the vacation time and I use to satisfy her in all respect. My wife was always interested me to stay together but due to my nature work it was not possible to take my wife with me also due to my daughter study and take care my perents. My perents and she was managing together but not very good terms. Around seven months back I had been to my native for a marriage my nice. That time I find she is having some relation with one person and she use to telephone him which was her favourate number and after call she use to delete the number to avoid seeing by me. Which I could find out and she told that number is her friend one lady. So I belived my wife. Now one month before I was on vacation and this time I could catch her while talking him and she told it a friend (one married person his wife is not with him) he is having lot of problem so he had telephoned her many time and they are now good friends but do not any other way of relation. But I belive they had all type of relation and still I love her and asked her to stop this relation and she agreed. So I have not told any body else and now I have come back to job place. Some time I feel she is not wrong since I could not bring her with me so she find another man. But I am not able to sleep properly because I had that much fath on my wife. So What I should do?

santimohan

You mean let she me allow her to continue to have fun with her boyfriend.

taoplr

Thank you, Santimohan, for these answers. One question you did not address is, For how much longer will you work away from home? Years? Months? Your answer will determine whether a solution needs to be long-term or short-term. Once you find a way to be home most of the time, you will have solved this problem.

Now I can see that she can't come with you: your parents, daughter, and properties all need her attention. If you are going to continue this work arrangement in the UAE for a long time, you need to create a sustainable arrangement that focuses her attention for years at a time. From what you say, your relationship is good when you are home, so the solution is not in changing your behavior or the interactions between you and her. But part of the solution rests in the agreements you have with her about what she does while you are away.

I agree with Talaniman, that "your wife needs to be happy having good clean fun, and having her own life, and activities, and hobbies, without you." I don't know how much freedom she has to choose what she does—this is a cultural issue—but being busy with her true interests can help. If she only does what she is obligated to do day after day, and only has permission to entertain herself with meaningless things, one can expect her mind to wander. It doesn't have to wander far to find someone interested in sex. If she feels resentment because she is putting in a lot of time helping your parents, but not getting along with them, plus raising your daughter, she will want an escape. Sex is always an easy escape.

So, what interests her? Did she like her last job, or was it just work? Does she dream of doing something that she has not been able to do? Does your culture permit her to explore jobs or businesses or arts that attract her, or, is she restricted from making this sort of decision? Most important, since you are her husband, do you support her in finding an artistic or work path that will fulfill her in ways that she has not yet experienced?

Ideally, she will be busy with activities that are important to her, spiritually and mentally engaging for her, and physically healthy for her. Although the experience she had with her job led her to meet the man who became her boyfriend, interacting with other men and women in a work setting can be good for her.

She has to grow. If you are going to be away for six months at a time, she has to become good at being around men without seeking comfort from any of them. She has to keep her loneliness private, and keep herself for you. Every working person who is married experiences something of this. It is an essential discipline. To be faithful to you over these long intervals, while losing nothing meaningful for her own needs, she has to become more powerful as a human being.

You have to grow, too. It is not easy to let go of one's spouse and wholeheartedly give the freedom to change without feeling fear, loss of control (In reality, control of another person is an illusion), and insecurity. You might come home to find a new person whom you don't know any more, and feel the challenge of learning who she is. It could be confusing and it could be wonderful and exciting, but you can't know in advance.

If you see the wisdom in this, and the irony—that one way to get her to be faithful to you is to take the risk of giving her more freedom—then your conversations with her will be gentle explorations of her dreams. If you think, on the other hand, that imposing tighter restrictions on her is the answer, then your conversations will be about that.

After reading all the above, what are your thoughts?


tao

santimohan

After reading I am still in confusion what to do. I will wait and see. You are telling to give more freedom which I had given to her, but she had an affair to some one, who is not known to me or not working with her. Still I am not putting any restrictions. As you told she need some one who understand her and speak nicely in my absence.

taoplr

I am sorry. I have not been clear.

I am not telling you to give her more freedom to have an affair. I am saying that you need to help her grow. If you are going to be away from her for six months each time, she has to do things that mature and develop her while you are away. Tell me, please, if those words, "mature" and "develop" make sense to you.

Along with doing what she has to do—helping your parents, taking care of your daughter, and so on—she has to also be busy doing things that she wants to do. These are activities that attract her, that are good for her, that make her more mentally and spiritually full. If she does those things, she will grow inside. If she grows, and you are her partner in that, she can feel close to you when you are away. Does that make sense?

You can't restrict her into being faithful. Nobody succeeds at that. But you can give her your permission and support to learn new things: school, arts, a new job, whatever deeply interests her. That's what I mean by being her "partner" in growing.

You are not angry about her affair, and you are not jealous. That puts you in a good position to create a solution with her that works. You should be the one she comes to for strength, the person she thinks about when she is troubled. You are this person when you ask her what she dreams of becoming, you listen to what she says, you understand what she says, and you support her in becoming that. Then, while you are far away working, you will be close to her.

If this tells you what to do, good. If not, let me know and I will try another way.

tao

santimohan

Latest developments.

My wife has come out with her boyfriend details which is the same person I had the information. Also now my parents also knew about it through some body. Now my wife is not going for job. Still I feel she is having contact with him which she may not able to avoid him so quickly as this relation was going since a long time. Now I do not want to restrict her. Also I stopped talking about this subject with her. Now I think she is not going for job and her boyfriend is not able to meet her freely, so he is coming near to my house and they meet by hiding my parents but some body has seen and they informed my parents. Now my parents are restricting her to go out for long time but they are not telling any thing to me. They think I do not knew about this and I should not get tense. What is your suggestion? What I should do to overcome the situation? Still I have good relation with my wife.

N0help4u

Basically you give her a him or me ultimatium and if she continues seeing him then that is the decision she made in the ultimatium.
Sounds like she should just come clean and tell you that she has chosen him over you

taoplr

When will you be home again?

I have suggested that you help her grow. But you haven't told me if you understand that and can do that.

If you still have a good relationship with her explain to her that she must stop seeing this man and look into herself.


tao

santimohan

I will go home after 4 months. I have already explained and she has accepted that she will not continue the friendship. Recently she has sent me mail stating the details of the person which I had asked before and that time was not informed to me but I was knowing the fellow which I checked with telephone department through his telephone number. I know this person but do not knew any details. She is not meeting him but he must be trying to meet her and she may not be able to avoid him. Since they had a relation and she may be in fear that, this person may tell some body else about their relation. But my wife says they do not have any relation now. She has informed about the details only because she felt it should inform to me. My relationship with my wife is still good. I talk to her daily two times and sending mails daily. I have fear my parents will trouble her and she should not do some thing. Her last statement is "she never had any bad relation with him and if I do not belive she is ready to leave me". I said I am fully belive you and I do not want to leave you. I am always giving moral support and I do not want loose her even she keep the relation with him. I love that much her.

jenniepepsi

i think its time for you to find a daily job, in which you work during the day and are home at night (or the other way around, which ever you like better)

she may NOT be cheating on you. however, she DOES need you home. a woman needs her husband around to help keep her together, and keep her on the right track. not to restrict her, or take freedoms away, but to guide, and nurture, and protect. keeping a wife out of mischief IS a type of protection. and its a huge responsibility on a man. but it must be done.

taoplr

So you love her very deeply. Keep talking with her every day as you are doing. Make sure that you listen to her well and understand her. One big reason for her to have a friendship with this man might be that she felt that she had no one to talk with who understood her. Maybe you understand her, but she might not know it. And maybe you think you understand her, but you could understand her better. I think you are doing a good job of communicating, but maybe it could be better.

If he is trying to meet her and she is having trouble avoiding him, is there someone at home who can talk to him? To tell him to stop? Since he is married, he doesn't want anyone to call him at his home and tell him to stop, as his family can find out. Maybe you can use that.

As long as you are away six months at a time, this will be a problem. You will have to manage it even if you are not there. Please re-read the advice I have given you about helping her grow as a person—not as a woman or as your wife, but just as a human being. If she is growing, and you are a source of her growth, she might be grateful enough to stay faithful to you.

tao