Wife cheating me

santimohan · Jun 28, 2009, 07:14 AM

I am 42 years old and married 14 years back and having one daughter of 13 years old. After maaried 6 years we were staying together continuisly. After that I dropped my wife and child at my native with my perents and I am working out side my country and once in four to six months I go to my native and stay around 20 to 30 days depend on the leave I get from my company. My wife and myself was having good understanding and I have given full freedom. Around four years back she got a job in my native and she got chance to mingle with gents and ladies. My wife and me was in good love and we have good sex during the vacation time and I use to satisfy her in all respect. My wife was always interested me to stay together but due to my nature work it was not possible to take my wife with me also due to my daughter study and take care my perents. My perents and she was managing together but not very good terms. Around seven months back I had been to my native for a marriage my nice. That time I find she is having some relation with one person and she use to telephone him which was her favourate number and after call she use to delete the number to avoid seeing by me. Which I could find out and she told that number is her friend one lady. So I belived my wife. Now one month before I was on vacation and this time I could catch her while talking him and she told it a friend (one married person his wife is not with him) he is having lot of problem so he had telephoned her many time and they are now good friends but do not any other way of relation. But I belive they had all type of relation and still I love her and asked her to stop this relation and she agreed. So I have not told any body else and now I have come back to job place. Some time I feel she is not wrong since I could not bring her with me so she find another man. But I am not able to sleep properly because I had that much fath on my wife. So What I should do?

santimohan · Jul 2, 2009, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you cheating on your wife??

So far no.

santimohan · Jul 2, 2009, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by taoplr

You have to talk with her and come to a new understanding about your marriage. If you feel that you can live with an "open" marriage (a marriage in which both partners have permission to have romantic relations, including sex, with other people) and you believe that this will not affect your family life, this choice belongs to you.

But, be clear. This is a dangerous way to live. Most open marriages end before long. It is very hard to sustain a normal family life with the spouses seeing other people. People fall in love, or think so for a while. They get comfort from others and want more. They make mistakes and everybody finds out. They leave to be with their lover. It can be very unstable.

Some cultures permit open marriages, and they are not a problem. Some people, like you seem to be, are not threatened by their spouse having a special friend. (It seems that you are more concerned about your parents finding out, and about sustaining your family's way of life.) If you are comfortable with her having sex with this man while you are away and want to give her this "gift," and if you believe she will contain her experience and keep it private, again, this choice belongs to you and to you alone. But you should think through what will happen if she is found out.

Some questions come to mind:

Where do you live? From your earlier posts, I understand that an open marriage arrangement is not permitted in your culture. Same for divorce: not permitted. Correct?
You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
Am I correct in thinking that your biggest concern is your parents finding out?
How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
Do you also see other women for friendship and sex? Do you expect to in the future?
Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
Since you discovered all of this, do you argue about it, or do you talk openly, or do you—as the man—just tell her what she can and cannot do?
Since you found out about her affair, do you and she still play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

If she is not seeing him now, you can take your time to think through this situation and communicate with her about what you feel. Communication is the key. Let her tell you what she is experiencing and feeling, and what she needs. Listen well to her. Then make your decisions about what you can live with.You will make the best decisions when you understand both her and yourself.

tao

Our culture do not allow. But many are doing this type of relation and known to the society. I am from India. I do have any relationship with other women and do not plan for the same. My concern is she want sex and if I am there with her she does not want to go to any body. When I will be leaving and during our last sex she use to ask me what I should do tomorrow onwards and can you keep your tool with me like that. So this persons wife also away and he approached my wife with an offer of good friendship and then lead to sex. So far she is not admitted that she had sex. From her behavior I predict she had with him.

taoplr · Jul 3, 2009, 12:13 AM

You must talk with her. You must understand her and she must understand you, especially about how you want to continue growing together. Don't assume that your prediction is correct. You might be wrong.

But, at this point, my sense is that if the situation is as you describe, you should just insist that she say goodbye to him and stop all interaction with him. No Contact. Meanwhile and afterward, be very kind and gentle with her. Make it safe and comforting for her to be closer to you.

I still have some unanswered questions:
* You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
* How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
* Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
* Do you and she play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

Please let us know the answers to these questions. It will help us help you.

Last question for today: What are you learning from all this?

Tao

santimohan · Jul 3, 2009, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by taoplr

You must talk with her. You must understand her and she must understand you, especially about how you want to continue growing together. Don't assume that your prediction is correct. You might be wrong.

But, at this point, my sense is that if the situation is as you describe, you should just insist that she say goodbye to him and stop all interaction with him. No Contact. Meanwhile and afterward, be very kind and gentle with her. Make it safe and comforting for her to be closer to you.

I still have some unanswered questions:
* You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
* How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
* Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
* Do you and she play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

Please let us know the answers to these questions. It will help us help you.

Last question for today: What are you learning from all this?

Tao

I do not feel jealousy. This relation is not aware to my daughter. My wife is basicaly un happy due to the relationship she had with him and which she hide to me. As per she was also likely to close the relation and by that time only I cought her. I had very carefully delt the situation and not informed to any one in my family. But I informed her mother about her relationship which my wife also not knew. We are play together with very highly romatic mood. We use to have very good sex when we together. Now a days I am very close to her and very much supportive to her. We never had a fighting in our last 14 years of our life.

taoplr · Jul 3, 2009, 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by santimohan

I do not feel jealousy. This relation is not aware to my daughter. My wife is basicaly un happy due to the relationship she had with him and which she hide to me. As per she was also likely to close the relation and by that time only I cought her. I had very carefully delt the situation and not informed to any one in my family. But I informed her mother about her relationship which my wife also not knew. We are play together with very highly romatic mood. We use to have very good sex when we together. Now a days I am very close to her and very much supportive to her. We never had a fighting in our last 14 years of our life.

You told her mother? What did she say? What did she do?

From this experience, you have a good chance of making your marriage more secure and happy. You must find a way to communicate better with her while you are away. Become better at listening. Let her be free to grow. Her attraction to him was partly because it felt like she was understood and enabled to grow.

You have a good heart. Let her feel it. At the same time, don't leave any room for any more "friends" like this one.

tao

santimohan · Jul 4, 2009, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by taoplr

You told her mother? What did she say? What did she do?

From this experience, you have a good chance of making your marriage more secure and happy. You must find a way to communicate better with her while you are away. Become better at listening. Let her be free to grow. Her attraction to him was partly because it felt like she was understood and enabled to grow.

You have a good heart. Let her feel it. At the same time, don't leave any room for any more "friends" like this one.

tao

Her mother did not tell me any thing. It was a shock and she is not believing my wife would have had sex with him. My wife want me with her to do sex regularly. Her concern is that. Even yesterday she was asking me when you will come, I need you immediately. It is very difficult to stay with out me. Any way I can not go there now.

taoplr · Jul 4, 2009, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by santimohan

Her mother did not tell me any thing. It was a shock and she is not believing my wife would have had sex with him. My wife want me with her to do sex regularly. Her concern is that. Even yesterday she was asking me when you will come, I need you immediately. It is very difficult to stay with out me. Any way I can not go there now.

I now get the impression that this might have been a problem for a long time. So, some more questions:

Has her sexual need been a source of trouble for you and her before?
For how long are you away each time you work?
For how much longer will you work away from home?
When you are home, is your sex life with her good? Good enough for her? Good enough for you?
How often do you have sex with her when you are home?
What is her age? Your age?

Your answers will determine how I advise you. Also:

Her mother might not have said anything to you, but will she tell your parents, or tell someone else who will tell your parents? What will happen when your parents find out?

I don't want to ask you too many questions, but to help I need to understand your situation. This problem is similar to the one that people in the military have: They go away and leave their families for long periods. The wives who stay at home have networks of friends and family who support them in staying faithful to their husbands. I am sure that it's not perfect, but they somehow deal with it. (I invite any reader who has experience with this to join in this conversation.) Fortunately, you don't go away for such a long time as military people.

Last questions for now: How far away is your work? In what city/country is your home? Your work?

There is a solution to your problem. Let's find it.

tao

santimohan · Jul 5, 2009, 12:22 AM

I use to be with her every 6 months for 20 to 30 days depend on the leave santioned by company. I am 44 years and she is 36 years old. she in India and I am presently in U.A.E. My company do not provide family accommodation to bring her. When I am there almost all days we will have except the her period days. We really have good sex when we stay together and we enjoy as much as possible. She never wants to discuss much about the relationship with her boyfriend. When I ask some thing she use to say, that chapter is closed and let us forget it. Her mother will not tell to my parents or to any body else since the mistake is done by her daughter. My problem is I can not keep my wife with me continuously. There are many reasons, my daughter is studing in high school, my perents needs some one's help there and I have some properties there which has to be taken care by some one. So if she is there atleast I can consider some one is there. Please let me have an advice from all of you.



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