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I am 42 years old and married 14 years back and having one daughter of 13 years old. After maaried 6 years we were staying together continuisly. After that I dropped my wife and child at my native with my perents and I am working out side my country and once in four to six months I go to my native and stay around 20 to 30 days depend on the leave I get from my company. My wife and myself was having good understanding and I have given full freedom. Around four years back she got a job in my native and she got chance to mingle with gents and ladies. My wife and me was in good love and we have good sex during the vacation time and I use to satisfy her in all respect. My wife was always interested me to stay together but due to my nature work it was not possible to take my wife with me also due to my daughter study and take care my perents. My perents and she was managing together but not very good terms. Around seven months back I had been to my native for a marriage my nice. That time I find she is having some relation with one person and she use to telephone him which was her favourate number and after call she use to delete the number to avoid seeing by me. Which I could find out and she told that number is her friend one lady. So I belived my wife. Now one month before I was on vacation and this time I could catch her while talking him and she told it a friend (one married person his wife is not with him) he is having lot of problem so he had telephoned her many time and they are now good friends but do not any other way of relation. But I belive they had all type of relation and still I love her and asked her to stop this relation and she agreed. So I have not told any body else and now I have come back to job place. Some time I feel she is not wrong since I could not bring her with me so she find another man. But I am not able to sleep properly because I had that much fath on my wife. So What I should do?
I belive she is having all type of relations with him. Now I have stopped her going for her job. So she will not so free to move out as she likes since my perents are there. Also she is afraied on the society. Even she has been chaged her mobile SIM as per my instruction. Be fank some time I feel let she have fun some body and be happy as long which is not affecting my family life. But again I belive no it is wrong. Any now onwarrds I will not keep that much trust on her which I was having before. Any way I can not stay at home since finding a job there is very difficult compared to my present job.
You have a very generous heart. I believe that because you have felt that it would be OK for her to have a friend. At the same time, you are worried that this friendship will damage your marriage, and you are right. As it is now, her friendship will damage or destroy your marriage. But you would be wise to see this about yourself and know it is a strength.
As difficult as it is, NoHelp4u's idea that getting a job that lets you be at home might be the best answer. You could be forced to decide which you are going to save... your job or your marriage. I hope that this doesn't happen.
Talaniman's suggestion is very smart: as her husband, you should be introduced to her friend. She will show you what she is feeling. If she says yes, you can then meet him, look him in the eye and sense what there is between him and her. If she doesn't want you to meet him, or continues to hide phone calls, you have a serious problem and should see a marriage counselor with her. You might feel that seeing a counselor brings shame on you, but today it's the same as going to the doctor.
One of the most important things you can do while thinking through your situation is to not get angry. Your generous heart is a great strength because it makes you able to understand her, the way she sees her situation, and the same for your daughter and for your own mind. It is a mistake to only look around yourself for what you will change. Part of your generosity goes to you and looking into yourself will become a great event.
With this understanding, you can figure out the best thing to do for the whole family. Anger kills that ability. For example, she's there with your parents, but they don't have a close relationship. She has your daughter, but 13 year-old girls can be difficult. Does she have friends? Where does she get understanding and comfort? She will either get understanding and comfort from you or from somebody else. Have you been sensitive to that?
You can forbid her to see him, or to talk with him, but you can't control her feelings and needs. While you are away, you could write to her, send her things, be with her in spirit. You can listen to her more deeply when you are there with her. You can pay more attention to her than you are used to, and find out more of who she is and what she feels about things. That's what her new friend is doing. You can do it better.
If you must keep this job, you will have to insist that she bring her friend out in the open, and you will have to find ways for her to feel good about you when you are physically away. You need to grow greater trust over time, not more restrictions. For that, both you and she need to change. Your situation is uncommon, and the changes you make to fix it need to be creative.
You don't trust her to stay within the boundaries of good behavior, then you must address your trust issues. Nowhere have you said she cheats on you, and I may be wrong, but as a husband, then if this fellow is a friend of hers, then he should be a friend of yours too, at least an introduction is warranted.
That would maybe give you peace of mind, and keep you from getting carried away by fear, or insecurity.
She never intruduced me to this fellow. Even she is having some other friends (Gents) working with her and she always introduced. For this case even she has not saved his name in her mobile and always dial the number which she rememeber. But I could find the person who is he after coming from home to my work place through finding out his land phone details from net. I understand this person approched my wife and they had coservations about their both life. His wife is not with him due some reason between them but not separated. My wife admitted that it is only time pass.
You have a very generous heart. I believe that because you have felt that it would be OK for her to have a friend. At the same time, you are worried that this friendship will damage your marriage, and you are right. As it is now, her friendship will damage or destroy your marriage. But you would be wise to see this about yourself and know it is a strength.
As difficult as it is, NoHelp4u's idea that getting a job that lets you be at home might be the best answer. You could be forced to decide which you are going to save... your job or your marriage. I hope that this doesn't happen.
Talaniman's suggestion is very smart: as her husband, you should be introduced to her friend. She will show you what she is feeling. If she says yes, you can then meet him, look him in the eye and sense what there is between him and her. If she doesn't want you to meet him, or continues to hide phone calls, you have a serious problem and should see a marriage counselor with her. You might feel that seeing a counselor brings shame on you, but today it's the same as going to the doctor.
One of the most important things you can do while thinking through your situation is to not get angry. Your generous heart is a great strength because it makes you able to understand her, the way she sees her situation, and the same for your daughter and for your own mind. It is a mistake to only look around yourself for what you will change. Part of your generosity goes to you and looking into yourself will become a great event.
With this understanding, you can figure out the best thing to do for the whole family. Anger kills that ability. For example, she's there with your parents, but they don't have a close relationship. She has your daughter, but 13 year-old girls can be difficult. Does she have friends? Where does she get understanding and comfort? She will either get understanding and comfort from you or from somebody else. Have you been sensitive to that?
You can forbid her to see him, or to talk with him, but you can't control her feelings and needs. While you are away, you could write to her, send her things, be with her in spirit. You can listen to her more deeply when you are there with her. You can pay more attention to her than you are used to, and find out more of who she is and what she feels about things. That's what her new friend is doing. You can do it better.
If you must keep this job, you will have to insist that she bring her friend out in the open, and you will have to find ways for her to feel good about you when you are physically away. You need to grow greater trust over time, not more restrictions. For that, both you and she need to change. Your situation is uncommon, and the changes you make to fix it need to be creative.
Does this make sense?
tao
The job she was doing was not that much income but since she was interested for a job I allowed. Now we both together decided to stop going for job and I belive now she realise what she was doing was wrong. She will not be interested to seperated from me since other society and her family will not allow for the same. Offcourse this relationship is only for time pass. As you recommend I am now giving all the moral support and I told her what ever happend is happend but let us forget it, since our society does not accept this type of relationship and which will affect our life and our daughter life. I hope she will not continue. Any way I can not stay at home continuisly for another one year and after that I can plan some way to stay with her. What else I can do?
One thing to remember is if you force her then she will resent you, If you work pn building your relationship back to where it should be then you know you have a good marriage.
Another is when your marriage is healed do not make the mistake of holding the past agaisnt her,
One thing to remember is if you force her then she will resent you, If you work pn building your relationship back to where it should be then you know you have a good marriage.
Another is when your marriage is healed do not make the mistake of holding the past agaisnt her,
I belive we will have a good time again. Even now we do not have any problem. Any way she may not tell all truth what she had with him, which I have to understand and support her to have good life with me. Which I will do and giving her all supports. She was not earning any good amount from her salary which was taking care only her misc. expense. Even my salary use to handle by her only and which still continuing. Thanks for your suggections.
The job she was doing was not that much income but since she was interested for a job I allowed. Now we both together decided to stop going for job and I belive now she realise what she was doing was wrong. She will not be interested to seperated from me since other society and her family will not allow for the same. Offcourse this relationship is only for time pass. As you recommend I am now giving all the moral support and I told her what ever happend is happend but let us forget it, since our society does not accept this type of relationship and which will affect our life and our daughter life. I hope she will not continue. Any way I can not stay at home continuisly for another one year and after that I can plan some way to stay with her. What else I can do?
You are doing the right thing by forgiving her. Communicate with her more often while you are away. Let her feel that you are close to her even if you are far away. A year will pass quickly.
My parents do not know about this affair. Now she stopped going for job. She is not happy since she is not going for job even though it was not valued income for us. The affair was not fully linked with her job place but she was getting time to spent with him with out knowledge of my parents, because she can take leave from office with knowledge of my parents. Now I feel why don't allow her to go for job and have fun with the fellow as she like, with out knowledge of my parents. Her boyfriend also a married man and his wife is away like me. So definitely I belive this relationship is for sex also. My heart feeling let she have fun with her boyfriend and be happy as long as which is not affecting our family life . My wife will not ask me but she must be interested to do so. As per her now she stopped all connections with him.
Or shall I wait for her further action. I need your opinion.
I think a married couple can expect their spouse to have good clean fun, while their partner is away. Not cheat. But its something that has to be talked about and agreed upon as having sex outside the marriage is not only disloyal, but distracts from the marriage, and the building of a life together.
If your okay with this kind of behavior, Then let her have all the boyfriends she needs while your gone. What bothers me most is you expecting your parents to keep tabs on her when your away, like a watchdog.
You two really need to talk, and why can't she be with you, as you work so far away for so long.
My parents do not know about this affair. Now she stopped going for job. She is not happy since she is not going for job even though it was not valued income for us. The affair was not fully linked with her job place but she was getting time to spent with him with out knowledge of my parents, because she can take leave from office with knowledge of my parents. Now I feel why don't allow her to go for job and have fun with the fellow as she like, with out knowledge of my parents. Her boyfriend also a married man and his wife is away like me. So definitely I belive this relationship is for sex also. My heart feeling let she have fun with her boyfriend and be happy as long as which is not affecting our family life . My wife will not ask me but she must be interested to do so. As per her now she stopped all connections with him.
Or shall I wait for her further action. I need your opinion.
You have to talk with her and come to a new understanding about your marriage. If you feel that you can live with an "open" marriage (a marriage in which both partners have permission to have romantic relations, including sex, with other people) and you believe that this will not affect your family life, this choice belongs to you.
But, be clear. This is a dangerous way to live. Most open marriages end before long. It is very hard to sustain a normal family life with the spouses seeing other people. People fall in love, or think so for a while. They get comfort from others and want more. They make mistakes and everybody finds out. They leave to be with their lover. It can be very unstable.
Some cultures permit open marriages, and they are not a problem. Some people, like you seem to be, are not threatened by their spouse having a special friend. (It seems that you are more concerned about your parents finding out, and about sustaining your family's way of life.) If you are comfortable with her having sex with this man while you are away and want to give her this "gift," and if you believe she will contain her experience and keep it private, again, this choice belongs to you and to you alone. But you should think through what will happen if she is found out.
Some questions come to mind:
Where do you live? From your earlier posts, I understand that an open marriage arrangement is not permitted in your culture. Same for divorce: not permitted. Correct?
You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
Am I correct in thinking that your biggest concern is your parents finding out?
How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
Do you also see other women for friendship and sex? Do you expect to in the future?
Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
Since you discovered all of this, do you argue about it, or do you talk openly, or do you—as the man—just tell her what she can and cannot do?
Since you found out about her affair, do you and she still play together? Are you romantic when you are home?
If she is not seeing him now, you can take your time to think through this situation and communicate with her about what you feel. Communication is the key. Let her tell you what she is experiencing and feeling, and what she needs. Listen well to her. Then make your decisions about what you can live with.You will make the best decisions when you understand both her and yourself.
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