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    loudlaura's Avatar
    loudlaura Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 22, 2011, 01:47 PM
    Why won't my boyfriend propose after 5 years?
    My boyfriend and I are coming up on 5 years together this summer, and he hasn't proposed yet. We've been living together for 2 and half years, and have two dogs together. I have asked him a few times why he hasn't asked me to marry him yet and even if he wants to marry me, and he has never really gives a straight answer. He's even turned it around on me saying "you only want to get married to have a big party", which really upset me.

    For awhile I had myself convinced that just being together is enough because I'd rather be with the person I love than not all. However, the other night we went out with some friends that were visiting from out of town and came to find out they got engaged the night before after only 2 years together. Since then I've been feeling really insecure, humiliated, depressed, confused, and resentful. I don't see the point in telling him how I feel, because I know he knows. He saw my reaction when I saw the other girls ring! I don't think being his girlfriend will ever be enough for me, and I don't want to wait another year HOPING he will propose. I'm going to break up with him right after our vacation in a month, but I just need to know why guys do this... stay with a girl for years and in that time never propose? It only makes it harder to end the relationship and I feel like there is something wrong with me. Why can't they just be honest when confronted?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Apr 22, 2011, 02:13 PM

    Why can't they just be honest when confronted?
    Why couldn't you be honest? You were fine cruising along then because of events, and your feelings, things changed, and you were no longer content.

    Worse, you allowed him to flip the script as you could have pressed for a date to marry, a ring, or whatever else you wanted long ago, but what are you doing now?

    Blaming him for everything, and ignoring your part in this self made drama.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #3

    Apr 22, 2011, 03:00 PM

    He likely sees no reason to marry you, as you are already living together. Maybe he doesn't see a need for it (some people don't), maybe he likes knowing he could leave with fewer hassles if the two of you ever broke up, maybe he isn't ready for that sort of a commitment, maybe he doesn't feel he loves you enough to go to the next level. You really need to ask him point blank why he seems to side step the topic when you ask him about it.

    Was there talk of eventual marriage before you moved in together?

    If not, then you need to do so now. There is no sense in waiting for him if you want that commitment and he doesn't.

    You could always propose to him. There is nothing wrong with telling him what you want after five years of being together. Then you will have to make a decision based on his response, whether to set a date, start making some plans, or pack your bags and move on so that you can meet someone who is in the same place as you are.
    CarrotTalker's Avatar
    CarrotTalker Posts: 392, Reputation: 189
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    #4

    Apr 22, 2011, 03:03 PM

    You have to look at the answer you already have "he has never really gives a straight answer".

    Who know's why he doesn't want to commit after 5 years together, but since you tried talking about it with him and got nowhere, you have two choices, you can either blindly go forward and likely get the same non-answer from him, or try talking about it again and see where it gets you. Since it seems you have tried before, you have to ask yourself, why do you want to be with someone who is unwilling/able to see eye-to-eye with you on marriage.

    I'm not saying that either you or him are right, different people have different expectations of marriage and dating. I noticed you are comparing your relationship to your friends who got engaged after 2 years together, no two relationships are the same, what works for that couple, might not work for another. Heck, some people get "engaged" after a week of knowing each other.

    If you two can't agree on the stepping stone of marriage, what about if you want kids after marriage?
    loudlaura's Avatar
    loudlaura Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Apr 22, 2011, 03:25 PM
    We talked about marriage before moving in together, and that was part of the reason I decided to move in together. He wanted to live together before deciding whether we should get married. Now I just think he's comfortable with the way things are. When I hear my friends are all getting engaged after being together much less than us, it's like adding salt to a wound. As happy as I am for them, I can't help but feel sad for me. Maybe I'll try talking to him one last time for a solid answer if he is ever going to want to marry me or not.
    CarrotTalker's Avatar
    CarrotTalker Posts: 392, Reputation: 189
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    #6

    Apr 22, 2011, 03:28 PM

    I would bring up the discussion you had before moving in together and ask him what changed?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #7

    Apr 22, 2011, 03:32 PM

    I don't understand why adults would date that long, live together and can't commit to marriage unless both of you have agreed not to marry.
    It seems to me he does not want to get married, no reason for him to, he has everything he needs now. In the meantime you want more.
    Tell him you want more and ask him if he can deliver. If he is unwilling, you need to leave before you spend another 5 years with him.
    You two are not on the same page.
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
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    #8

    Apr 22, 2011, 08:00 PM
    What would be different if you two were married, you guys already are living with each other and doing everything as if you were married. Or perhaps it is the ring and the big party that you want, and if that is it then ask for it that way. But, I don't think it is a good foundation for a break up, it actually seems very hypocritical to be wanting to marry someone so bad and then being able to end that same relationship over something like this.

    Good Luck,
    Javi
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #9

    Apr 23, 2011, 07:55 AM

    Javi,

    Many people see it as you do, but for many others, the commitment of marriage is more than just living together.

    What you implied could just as easily be turned around: If it doesn't make any difference, then why doesn't he just marry her since it obviously is something important to her?
    hendersonclaude's Avatar
    hendersonclaude Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Apr 24, 2011, 11:32 AM
    I may be jaded, but from my own experience and from what I have seen in other couples--with a few notable exceptions--marriage tends to make relationships worse. Moreover, marriage is a strange and stifling contract that you can enter very easily, but from which you can extricate yourself only very slowly and painfully. I would advise you to think about what you really want: do you just want that ring on your finger so you can be like the other women you refer to? Do you feel inferior because you don't have that? Sounds like--and that's no good reason to get married. In fact, the only reason to get married that I can see is a strong, simultaneous desire on the part of BOTH people to marry--to joyously announce to the world that this relationship is for a lifetime. But by your own admission you don't have that--take your boyfriend's direct and indirect communication seriously: he does not want to get married. If you pressure him and drive him into a corner by making it clear that it's the alter or the highway, there's a very good chance he will propose and you will get married. After all, he's deeply attached to you and he definitely does not want to lose you. But then be prepared to face the consequences three, five, seven years down the line: whatever inner voice is telling him not to marry is coming from an authentic part of himself, and while he may suppress it in order not to lose you, it will come roaring back to life and you may well find yourself in a shattered marriage with pain you can only dimly imagine now, and a long, excruciating legal process ahead of you, especially if there are children involved. Do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and don't force it. If marriage means that much to you, ease out of the relationship slowly and without anger, and then find the person who is as positive about you as you are about him, and as certain about marriage.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #11

    Apr 24, 2011, 01:19 PM

    Marriage is only stifling, it makes the relationship worse if you have married the wrong person and it can only make the relationship worse if you have married the wrong person and under the wrong set of circumstances

    My advice to you is to talk to him. Find out what the hold up is on his end and then your make a decision. But you have not said anything for all this time so really you have a hand in this as well. When you keep your mouth shut and let things go, the other person has no reason to stop and think.
    chokl8_girl's Avatar
    chokl8_girl Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Apr 27, 2011, 08:04 AM
    Oh blimey, I have pretty much the same situation! I will have been with my boyfriend for 5 years in June, and other couples are starting to get engaged. I just feel like I'm not worth as much as the other girls who have had the question and the ring... I know we are solid and love each other, but he just hasn't asked me... he says its just because he hasn't 'yet'. I don't want to push, as I know he would rather it have an element of surprise when he asks me... but I can see it going on for years like that!

    I don't want to finish with him over it at all - but I can see another engagement looming this month, and will find it difficult to hide my dissappointment... at a time I should be happy for the other couple!
    sungirl27's Avatar
    sungirl27 Posts: 6, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    Apr 30, 2011, 07:00 AM
    This seems to happy over and over again... why do women keep moving in with guys before marriage? It only REDUCES the change he will propose. I think you need to get his attention. You need to move out. Tell him you obviously have different views of the future and you need to figure things out. Once you are gone, he will be able to get in better touch with what he wants. NOTHING WILL CHANGE if you stay and he knows you are just waiting for the proposal. I think this is driving him further away. I wouldn't even go on the vacation with him. Leave now. See what he does. "If you love someone set them free....if he comes back hes yours, if not, he never was" Isn't it better to just know the truth now? Why drag it out another year or 2 or more and have the same result in the end? I also think if he is going to marry you, this will change the dance a bit and motivate him to propose. Good luck.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #14

    Apr 30, 2011, 07:12 AM

    If you move in with a guy, and live as a couple, you can propose to him as easily as he can to you. After waiting for years to get what you want, why not go get it yourself.

    Guys are very afraid of messing up what's already good enough for them.
    Lucy12345's Avatar
    Lucy12345 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jul 27, 2011, 01:42 PM
    It's not a case of wanting a party or a fancy ring that hurts us, it's the knowing that our partner does not want us or love us as much as the other man loves his girl...

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