I try not to post on here because I usually get answers through reading other people's posts. But I am hurting so much and I need a way to get through the pain.
I've been with him for seven years. Had a few months of a break over a year ago, but got back together because it was too difficult to be apart. Or so I thought. I don't know why he wanted to be back with me. We have two children together. A beautiful house. He is only home one day a week. I know he is abusive, I know he cheats, and because of all this he hates me. Why I don't know and that kills me. Why do I stay with him? Why am I so scared to leave him. Everyday I cry. I am a very good woman to him and I stand up to him when need be. But that doesn't help. It just gives him another excuse to leave and not come home for the night. He swears he's not cheating, but I'm sorry, you don't' spend Tuesday through Sunday at your boys' apartment sleeping on the couch. I can't ever get ahold of him, he doesn't try to get ahold of me.Even when I try the no contact thing, he accuses me of seeing someone else. I am always at home with the kids. Sometimes when I try to make love to him, he says "I guess I'm just getting old". He is 29, I'm 26.
I tried. I tried to leave him one time and there was this overbearing sadness and pain in my chest, it literally made me sick-so I couldn't do it. It ended up I begged him to stay. He didn't chase after me when I threatened to leave. I chased after him. THAT IS SICK! What is wrong with me? I have a great job, I am a beautiful woman. Why don't I have enough self esteem to leave this guy? I need some encouragement, I have gotten it here before, but I need it again. I don't want to waste anyone's time though some of you may feel that way, but I just need some suggestions of how to start feeling better again, because I can't take this anymore. I don't want to be sad for the rest of my life, but I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I leave him, I'll be sad, If I stay I'll be sad.
Why does he stay with me? If he is sleeping with others, and never around me or his kids, why doesn't he leave me? The day he does come home, he expects me to be happy and have a good time, and I try, but inside I am screaming wondering why, what, where, and who has he done. What has he been doing? And if it is nothing as he claims, Why cant he tell me why, where and what he has been doing.
Please, if there is anyone who can give me suggestions on how to feel better. I just can't take it anymore.
Thanks much,

T