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    Why is she pushing me away?

    Asked Apr 8, 2007, 05:30 AM 8 Answers
    My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me in February and from that point on has demonstrated some confusing behavior.

    We moved from the east coast to California together and shared an apartment. The relationship was very rocky since the move with lots of fighting over dumb things.

    Towards the end she developed an attraction to another man, which she denies completely, but was still struggling with the decision to leave our relationship, finally doing so because if she didn't see what it was like on her own it would "nag at her forever".

    There was a lot of sadness when she finally left, I did everything I could to make it easy on here even helping load the truck, and from that moment on she seemed very up and down, even going as far as suggesting we have lunch once a week to "stay in touch".

    I also know from talking to her and what her friends told me that she was miserable and didn't like the new place she was living and was also very lonely. In addition to that, 3 weeks after leaving me she slept with the other guy, who eventually told her he just wants to be friends.

    Over the last month our relationship has gotten to a very angry bitter place that has caused her to block me from seeing her online and she totally ignored me on my birthday.

    I haven't harassed her, I've definitely made some mistakes, but done nothing to get her this angry in my mind.

    She's e-mailed me recently over petty things and they've all been one sentence communications where she doesn't even use my name such as "any word on the security deposit?" Despite the fact that she said we can't be friends right now we can only be ex's for a WHILE, I keep getting e-mails like this, 6 total over almost the last three weeks, each with a different subject matter and all short and cold.

    She also told a mutual friend in an e-mail exchange that she didn't think she was going to contact me on my b-day as my last few e-mails to her have been short and somewhat cold. Basically accusing me of doing what she's been doing.

    She seems very angry suddenly lately and I don't really understand why. I'm assuming it's because I told her I knew what happened with the other guy, a fact she complete denies. She's doing everything she can to push me away.

    Our break-up started friendly and just progressed to a very bad place. Why is she trying so hard to push me away? Is it because she knows she's lying about the other guy? Is it because she really loves me but doesn't see how it can work? Why?

    Last edited by Glitter2007; Apr 8, 2007 at 05:35 AM.
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    8 Answers
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,667, Reputation: 1706
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    #2

    Apr 8, 2007, 05:37 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Glitter2007
    My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me in February and from that point on has demonstrated some confusing behavior.

    We moved from the east coast to California together and shared an apartment. The relationship was very rocky since the move with lots of fighting over dumb things.

    Towards the end she developed an attraction to another man, which she denies completely, but was still struggling with the decision to leave our relationship, finally doing so because if she didn't see what it was like on her own it would "nag at her forever".

    There was a lot of sadness when she finally left, I did everything I could to make it easy on here even helping load the truck, and from that moment on she seemed very up and down, even going as far as suggesting we have lunch once a week to "stay in touch".

    I also know from talking to her and what her friends told me that she was miserable and didn't like the new place she was living and was also very lonely. In addition to that, 3 weeks after leaving me she slept with the other guy, who eventually told her he just wants to be friends.

    Over the last month our relationship has gotten to a very angry bitter place that has caused her to block me from seeing her online and she totally ignored me on my birthday.

    She seems very angry suddenly, I'm assuming because I told her I knew what happened with the other guy, a fact she complete denies, and is doing everything she can to push me away.

    Our break-up started friendly and just progressed to a very bad place. Why is she trying so hard to push me away? Is it because she knows she's lying about the other guy? Is it because she really loves me but doesn't see how it can work? Why?
    It is all guess work to try to get into the head of somebody.

    I will tell you one thing. If she broke up with you the best thing you can do for her is stay away. No contact.

    It sounds like you keep pushing for contact and it is obvious from your post that she does not want it.

    Whether she is miserable or not is not any of your concern anymore.

    Whether you want to see her again or talk to her again or not is not your choice anymore. She made the choice of not wanting to be with you anymore. You need to respect her decision and just completely leave her alone.

    You make it sound like she is pushing you away, but in real fact you're the one pushing her away further by trying to stay in touch with her.

    Joe
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    Glitter2007's Avatar
    Glitter2007 Posts: 3, Reputation: 0
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    #3

    Apr 8, 2007, 05:41 AM
    I haven't initiated any type of contact for over three weeks. That's when all her short, to the point e-mails started. Every few days it was something else... the security deposit, an e-mail address for someone, the storage facilty, etc...

    I've done nothing as of late and she always has a reason to get in touch with me.

    My question is basically, do woman push away someone they love but are afraid to be with?
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    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,667, Reputation: 1706
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    #4

    Apr 8, 2007, 05:52 AM
    Afriad to be with. Either she wants to be with you or she does not.

    Women can be confusing but men make it worst in their reactions to this.

    It is like make her mind already. Do not make excuses for her. You said she is pushing you away, HELLO SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU.

    Your version of pushing you away is something completely different then what I would call pushing away.

    STOP THE CONTACT. No more contact. Tell her if there is a break then you do not want any contact.

    Go from there.
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    Glitter2007's Avatar
    Glitter2007 Posts: 3, Reputation: 0
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    #5

    Apr 8, 2007, 05:56 AM
    Again, I have not initiated contact for over three weeks now, I've simply replied to her e-mails concerning what apparently are loose ends.

    I know she's struggling and feel as though she may be finding reasons to contact me, that's how ridiculous some of her recent e-mails have been as far as subject matter.

    I think she may be wondering if she did the right thing leaving me but is afraid to come back.

    Therefore my question is simple... do women push away someone they love but don't think they can be with?
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    karent23's Avatar
    karent23 Posts: 133, Reputation: 8
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    #6

    Apr 8, 2007, 06:47 AM
    She reminds me of someone I use to be very close with. We were best friends and then she told me she couldn't be my friend for awhile. As time went by it felt as if she hated me and to this day I have no idea why she is this way. All I ever did was be a good friend to her, so it really confused me. When we see each other out she acts as if we are complete strangers to each other. I've let it go, even though it still hurts.

    So if she's anything like her, don't try to be part of her life. Honestly I wouldn't even email her back. If something is important enough she's got your number. Email is the easy escape for people so they don't have to face things. There is nothing you can do but move on with your life. If something is meant to be then it will happen. Only time will tell.
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    karent23's Avatar
    karent23 Posts: 133, Reputation: 8
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    #7

    Apr 8, 2007, 06:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Glitter2007
    ...do women push away someone they love but don't think they can be with?
    On this matter... not usually. From what I have experienced a woman would push someone away at the beginning of the relationship if she felt scared of loving. It could be she's not happy with herself and she's trying to find herself. If that's the case you need to just let it be. I've pushed people away and it's usually because I needed to be happy with me and I couldn't do it feeling like every move I made there would be someone there... or I felt like I was holding myself back from my dreams because of dating someone. Women are complex and difficult to understand... you may never know why.
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    lucky27's Avatar
    lucky27 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jan 30, 2008, 06:34 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Glitter2007
    Why is she trying so hard to push men away, all the time? Is it because she knows she's lying about the other guy? Is it because she really loves me but doesn't see how it can work? Why?
    O.k. Let me be honest with you from a women's point of view. Yes, we do push men away when we feel as though it is becoming serious way to fast. Yes, you had been with her for 2 yrs; but the move made this a serious relationship. Trust me!! Let me explain from experience: I meet this wonderful guy last year. He use to call me beautiful every time we talked. Every time he looked at me I could see something in his eyes. Didn't know what but it was different then what I had seen before. He was falling for me. How did I know. Because he called and texted sometime all day.

    He use to look at me and say, "Your so beautiful." All the time. I had never been told so much in 2 weeks how pretty I was. It made me wonder what kind of women this man had been with. Or even if he was a serious dater. He did tell me he was dating other women which was O.k. because I had no plans of getting too serious too fast. I had only known him for a couple of weeks. He appeared to be in to me and I really liked talking to him. I could see myself with this guy, so I thought.

    Suddenly one morning I awoke and became afraid. I would ask myself questions like what-if he goes after me for my money, what-if this, what-if that. So I began sabotaging the relationship. I knew I was falling for him when one day I arrived at his job and saw him talking to a female client and I became jealous. This was only after 2 weeks of knowing this guy.

    Now Glitter2007, I have to see this man almost on a weekly basis but I act as though we don't know one another. I don't go out of my way to speak unless we are in front of other people.

    He called for while after that but I left him a voicemail message that said you don't have to call me anymore and I would appreciate it if you didn't. Granted after that he did stop calling but to be honest I really liked talking to him. It hurt liked h--- to have to break it off but I became SCARED.

    So to answer your question: Yes, we do push men away. All the time! Why because we don't want to get hurt.
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    Dydhlp's Avatar
    Dydhlp Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Jun 21, 2008, 04:44 PM
    I hope no one minds this question is a few months old but I'm curious to see how this turned out. And I have your answer.

    I like how the first two people assumed it was the guy at fault, even though he said he stopped contacting her (the right thing to do). People are always scared of the "stalking guy" and assume most guys are like that, but the situation Glitter2007 described is actually very common.

    lucky27 is right. But not ALL girls are like this - only a smaller percentage of them. So what do you do now?

    I've had the good fortune to get to know a variety of girls, but I've had the misfortune to meet more than a couple of girls like this, and the behaviour is so predictable I can spot it coming quite early.

    The basis of what follows is that you are both supposed to be mature, responsible adults, and mature responsible adults don't do those things you described she was doing.

    When you first notice something is weird, e.g.. Constantly arranging meet-ups but cancelling them at the last minute, etc. this is NOT acceptable social behaviour so don't treat it as if it is. Nip it in the bud. Start being short with them when ever they contact you again "Hey I gotta get going - see you." They will get that you've been offended and the guilt that they've done something wrong will drive them nuts - no matter how nasty they respond, ignore it!

    IF - and only if - she asks you what she did wrong, then you're obliged to tell her - calmly and without any passion (eg. Anger, frustration, love.) - basically a woman needs a man who can be strong and one of the best ways to attract her is to show your control and satisfaction with your own life by not being so affected in a situation like this.

    At some point, one of two things will happen - she'll come back to you, apologise, you can both work things out and try again. OR, she doesn't come back.

    If she doesn't come back, then she is a lost cause. No matter how attractive she was or how well you both got along, you can't live with someone like this. It's like giving someone a parachuting voucher but preventing their access to a parachute. Completely useless. She is just a mirage in the desert.

    The good news is you will find someone else you will click with. There are hundreds of girls out there for you, and each one has met hundreds of guys that don't know how to treat girls.

    I can say this safely from experience - as I said, I've already met girls like this, and each time I was amazed at how well we got along and looked forward to a beautiful relationship, and then they turn weird very suddenly.

    Don't worry, there is no such thing as a "soul mate", just social chemistry. You will kill yourself trying to deal with a girl like this - I don't know how they can live with themselves, knowing they ended a beautiful relationship, and will do it again, destined to be unhappy forever.

    Trust me - you don't need this - you need a girl with her head on straight.
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