Why does my ex GF contact me to offer help if she chose to leave me for another guy?
Asked Dec 2, 2011, 09:29 PM
Well it's a long story but 6 weeks ago I got into an argument with my ex, her mom and brother. Well after that fight, she left me, and is now dating a new guy whom she was friends with already. Her family finally got done with me. I'm going to admit for the last 7 years I was controlling, jealous, and put her down so many times. I never really cared to get help. I've realized I have a bi polar and it finally hit me on how bad I was, I do regret it so much but too late.
Well 6 weeks ago she told me she was going to get to know her friend and perhaps even be his gf. She said I messed up too many times already and that her family and friends wanted her away from me and she told me not to look for her and that she didn't feel feelings for me anymore and she wanted to only be a friend in the future Well just 4 weeks ago she sent me an email when I wasn't even contacting her and she was suggesting to go to an event dealing with anti-stigma mental illness and she said I should really go because I really need to change and something great to go to.
I replied back telling her I was sorry for all the damage I've caused to her family and her and that I still loved her so much and that I was willing to change and finally accept I have bi polar disorder and that I wanted her in my life. She just replied back saying she was happy I was going to go. And just 2 weeks ago she suggested to go to a research study dealing with borderline personality dosorder she begged me on email to be part of it which I just did and have my first appointment next week. I'm supposed to be part of it for 5 months and medication & psychiatrists visits.
Why is she being that nice and still feel like she has to push me to change and get better if she's happy with her bf? I'm not really sure how she is with him now. Either they are friends or possibly bf/gf now but I'm just shocked after all I did she emailed me To go there. I'm startin next week. I did reply back last week and she didn't reply anymore. Why?
Oh boy! I have heard many excuses to put up with bad behavior and thats a good one. Doesn't matter to me at all what she did, or does, only what you do about it. So lets be clear that YOU allowed it, accepted it, and didn't dump her after she cheated once, let alone twice.
Let her go and leave her alone, and stay out of her business, but most of all, keep her out of your life in all ways. Doesn't matter how she hurt YOU!! Its a fact she will again, and its no longer her fault ITS YOURS FOR ALLOWING IT. MR.GOOD GUY!!!
Maybe you are too good for your own good, but sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own good, and stop blaming others for YOUR problems, or behavior.
You really need to ignore this woman. If you need help for a mental health concern, you should be doing it for YOU, not for her. I can totally understand if it was a family member coming with this concern but not your ex. Let her go and leave her in the past. If you need to make changes than focus on what you need to do to change. Don't focus on what she needs to change, especially when you and your ex are a thing of the past. You can't change anyone, or their behavior only that individual has to make that conscious decision to do so.
yes you are right, for the last 6 weeks that I haven't seen her I have felt much better. The crying has stopped. I have not seen her for 6 weeks now and I still can't believe it's happening but the pain is slowing down. Yesterday I went with a female friend to the club and wow I had a great time. I got bubbly, but I had an amazing time.
and you know what? I don't know why I always thougt my ex was the hottest girl ever. I saw so many pretty girls, and I mean gorgeous ones. Too bad I was with my female friend but I'm sure I can start a new life, new memories with another person.
don't get me wrong, I still love my ex but she made her choice and her choice was to give that guy a chance and to push me out of her life. I will however still send her a friendly email this coming friday about the concert. If you can help me how to put it or write it I would appreciate it. I just wanna seem friendly in a way and want to make it short. If she doesn't reply or if she does saying she can't, then I'll take it as she's happy and I'm gonna tell her I'm already seeing someone great. I will mention to her that I've learned my lesson n now I know never to treat someone like that. I will wish her the best and also tell her it's a shame she couldn't even see me as a friend regardless of who we are with.
that's why I'm not sure if I want to go get help. She made me be like that and she knew it and she also hit me as well before. Both of us were 50/50. She didn't change, I didn't change. I know if I had a chance to be her friend, I'm sure I would win her back. I'm not a crazy guy, trust me, I'm really sweet with girls and nice with people and always out them first instead of me.
in case she doesn't even give me a chance to be her friend next week for the concert I promise you I will never ever want her in my life. I already know I would be super nice with my next GF. As long as she respcts me, I will be fine. In any argument, I would talk to her. Trust me, I've learned a lot. My ex also fought with me so much and got crazy and pushed all my friends(females) away. We both messed up. It sucks she makes me look like the bad one.
The best thing is to go no contact. Don't write her, don't phone her, don't e-mail her. In the end you will only be hurting yourself. If you are happy, than you don't have to prove that to her or tell her. YOu have nothing to prove to anyone accept yourself. Letting the past be the past and start focusing on your future.
Stop and think....what do you hope to gain in telling her the great time you had? Make her jealous perhaps? If your feeling better than there is no need to contact her. Everyone here has offered you great, no I should say, excellent advice.
When you feel like you want to contact her, just take a deep breath and focus what the relationship was like with your ex-girlfriend and start focusing on your future. A future with someone else!
I will however still send her a friendly email this coming friday about the concert. If you can help me how to put it or write it I would appreciate it. I just wanna seem friendly in a way and want to make it short.
I would keep it matter of fact and definitely make it short, not chatty and not saying anything about yourself.
"My invitation is still open about the tickets. Let me know by midnight today if you're interested."
***ADDED*** I like even better what geminichick says, to do NC.
I know. Actually I have thougt about this and I'm not gonna send her an email. It will make me look really bad besides the fact that she will reject me anyway. Honestly, I'm reflecting a lot. I don't really know what her intentions were with trying to help me. I'm fine, perfectly fine. Trust me. I'm no crazy. She was crazy too and we both kept it going. My friends know I put other people 1st instead of me. I don't get angry with people, I help others, I'm there for my family so why is she making me feel like a bad person and suggesting me to go get help? Because she's happy with her BF now she thinks I have a mental problem? It's all a game. I'm not going to no place. My female friends know I'm perfectly fine. Yes, I made mistakes just like she did, but nothing takes away that in reality, I'm a caring guy. We learn from those mistakes. I did.
I just need to know why she is trying to help me? Why?? It's not fair she made me look like a bad person to her family and friends. Not fair. If they knew the stuff she did to me. Cheating, using me for my money... Man it was crazy. It's my fault for giving her the world. As a result I treated her badm and she treated me bad as well by lying and hiding me and telling people I was her ride when in reality I was her BF. She played with me and it made me react in ways I wish I didn't. I have thougt this well and I'm not mentally unstable because I have not treated anyone outside of her bad once ever. Why do I need anger control if I don't even get angry with people? It was her the whole time provoking me. It all had to do with her so what's in her best interest for me to go get help? Does she feel better suggesting those places to me?
Ok...How did she provoke you. If your not mentally unstable, why does it matter why she was trying to help you. The thing that really confuses me is you go from one thing right to another. In your original post when you asked your question you said you realized you were bi-polar and you admitted that you were controlling and jealous. YOu were sorry for the damage you caused her and her family and that you were willing to change and you accepted that you were bi-polar and now your saying she's crazy as well? She provoked you. Do you know how many times I have heard an abusive man say exactly what you just stated. She provoked you...if only she hadn't said this or hadn't done that...that is whole flecking load of crap. I'm sorry if I'm stepping on your toes but I dealt with someone who behaved simularly to you.
Look.....if your not a bad person, than why does it matter what she thinks or anyone thinks for that matter goes?
If what you say is correct then more than likely her trying to help you makes her feel better about herself, and makes it seems you were the problem, not her. That lets her off the hook of feeling guilty, and justifies her bad behavior.
Your solution is to stop going along with anything she says, and cutting her from your life in every way possible.
And lets not forget, you went along with it. I know love makes us blind and crazy sometimes, but we still have to own our part for the failure of a relationship, and the emotional fall out that follows.
Like I said, I'm not how you are describing me. Now for you I do feel sorry you had a guy like that. And you know what I mean. I was trying to take the blame on me because that's how she made me feel. But I'm healing now. What does that tell you? That I'm actually not defending her wrongs.Â
Provoke? You heard right!! Try cheating over and over again and making the guy suffer over many years knowing he will take you back and forgive you no matter what. I really loved that girl so much. She would sleep over at exes or guyfriends houses knowing I was her BF. And yes, there were a few times where she punched me in the chest as well. And there was always her ways of taking my money and asking me to give her a cellphone plan, and asking for my car and not even adding me on Facebook. Now you say ur guy was aggressive and if you did what my ex did to me then I can only say for people like you love doesn't exist. That's how bad it was. She knew she wasn't helpin me because when I thought I was doing great... SHE was already talking to someone behind my back and she could never STOP and the only reason I fougt against her family is because they always got involved and I ouldnt take it anymore.Â
Her younger sister still talks to me and she doesn't hate me because she knows her own sister is a big manipulative person. My ex used me knowing I loved her. She took advantage of me and yet I took her back each and everytime. The only reason she's out of my life, not because of the guy, but because of her family and I'm surprised her younger sister sides with me. She even tells me if only her parents knew of all the bad my ex did to me. So what do you have to say now eh? Of course even after all the bad she did to me I still miss her. Did I mention she would even call my female friends and pushed them away. These are friends that I had through out College. I never really got to know someone because she said I oulnt have female friends but she could have all of those guys in her life and sleep over at their life? She messed me up. But at least I admit my mistakes. I'm not a bad crazy person, we just make bad choices in life and I already know I don't ever want anything from her ever. I'm completely done. I will not even send her an email. I'm socializing with people now, something I ouldnt even do while I was with her because I was scared. She could check my phone but I ouldnt check hers?? Now you freaking get it girl???Â
I made bad choices and with that comes a big learning experience for me. She is sending me emails to change and I just laugh now. Even her sister says what a bad person her sister turned into. She will look for me again, I'm sure but I will be so happy to ignore her. I'm already going out and socializing. That means I'm healing because the 1st month I was really hurt. As each day passes by I feel better and more when I have my friends visit and we hang out and it's just what I always needed. I already invited my female friend to the concert. I'm not going to not couseling or medication.. For what if I'm not depressed. I just realized she was harmful in my life and I wasted the last 7 years of my life with someone that used me, manipulated me and isolated me from everyone. She just wanted me for her while she could have fun and cheat with all those guys.Â
I don't know. But it's both of our faults. We both messed up and yes she pucnhed me 4 times hard in my chest and aso got hysterical and punched the dashboard of my car like crazy whenever our problems got huge. I miss her so much. And yes I'm really really surprised she's sending me to go get help. She needs it too. But since she's a psych phd student, she thinks she's always right. She used me and lead me on for many years :'( as harsh as it sounds it breaks my heart. I tried and tried to be happy and she did as well but she couldn't change, I couldn't change. Even her sister told me 2 weeks ago that my ex needs a lot of help as well but since she right away got with her new BF, she feels safe and secure and she's making herself seem like the victim. I wish they knew how she manipulated me and used me for so long. She did care for me but she asked me for money, she had it, my car, she had it, new lates cellphone, she had it, new $1200laptop, she had it(3 months ago), concert tickets, she had it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SO SAD I gave her the world and she took me for granted. She couldn't even say thank you for all you did for the last years :'( instead, she goes with that guy. I wish she could have helped both of us to treat each other respect. She's a phd student, she should have helped us, not just me :'( now that she's happy with him she sends me information to go to a BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER research study for what? And her? Does she feel happy and like nothing is wrong with her now that she's with him?
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