So, there is this girl, she has been dating this guy for almost 4 years and they just moved in together (I could tell she has become less happy with it). I have known her for almost 3 years as her superior. We are no longer in a work related relationship, and she is still dating her bf. This past week however, we were on a trip with some friends and she slept in my bed one night when we were drunk, we kissed but did not make out and I told her I had a crush on her. The next night we had a few drinks and literally followed me to my room, we hooked up and she slept over again. Now on the travel back home we talked about what we felt and how we wanted to keep this going. We even kissed when I dropped her off in front of hers and her bf's apartment.

After I dropped her off at home, she texted me and said" It's not the same...just a side note". I am guessing she is talking about her feelings toward her bf before and after the trip?

My question is what makes a person cheat? She has never cheated on him before. I feel awful, but I have also liked her for a year now and feel like I had to give it a shot, does this make me a complete , should I just tell her to forget what we did and to be with her bf? Even today we have been really flirty. Do you think she just wants to hook up on the side or actually kind of likes me and wants to take a chance and leave her bf?

Just wondering...

jolienoire

People often times cheat for many reasons, fear of commitment, thrills, false expectations, lacking something in their current relationship, boredom, enfactuation, drugs alcohol.. etc.. etc.. Your question should be she cheated with you, do you not think she would not cheat on you? If you pursue something with her.


A few drinks and she is into you... there are a lot of things wrong here, both of you were drinking, she is currently in a relationship, she breaks up with him to be with you, there will be trust issues, she will be confused, you will be a rebound. For a healthy relationship to work it is never advisable to leave one situation immediately into another especially after one night of drinking and flirting.

Besides I doubt if she leaves him so hastily she has an apartment with him, and probably many more things invested. If she could she would take advantage of the situation. You know about her boyfriend, she will keep telling you how unhappy she is but won't leave right away. You won't be able to enjoy your time with her knowing she is going home to him, and you don't know if they are intimate or not. You see my point here. This situation is not healthy..

I advise you to to take your time, and don't read too much into your feelings just yet, this relationship started with drinking.. and it was dishonest. And remember Karma always gets the last word, Be careful and I think it is wise that you really think about the situation before you act too quickly.

ordinaryguy

And that word has not been spoken yet, I might add!!
I agree that thinking is a good thing, but IMO he's already acted too quickly.

Johnny--
As to why people cheat, I think Jolie's list of reasons is representative, though probably not exhaustive. The question you really need an answer to is, "Why did I choose knowingly to get involved with a cheater?"

JohnnyP409

I chose to get involved with a "cheater", because she is a wonderfu person that I really like a lot and I want to see her happy, and I know she is not happy with him.

Look, I've liked her for about a year, and have known her for three. We have a solid foundation for a relationship. As one of her closest friends I have seen her relationship with her bf deteriorating over the past few months. I could tell deep down inside that she didn't think moving in with him was a good idea, they moved in together a week ago.

One thing that I can tell you is that this was not just a drunk thing, since we talked about it the next day and we both agreed that we liked what was happening. Also since it continued when we were sober the next day. Also today she has been messaging me on AIM and text provocatively.

She has NEVER cheated on him in the 4 years she has been with him. Maybe this was just a wake up call for her to get out of a relationship that is filled with fighting and unhappiness.

I do not plan on keeping this going if she plans to be with him. I just wanted to take a shot. I don't think I would have trust issues with her if we were to date.

I don't know why I am posting I guess, since I do look like the bad guy here. But I just don't know what to do next, I guess this should totally be her decision alone.

talaniman

Don't be so smitten that you can't see the reality of your situation. For one you know nothing of her relationship with this guy, only what she tells you and even if its all true, its only her side of things. Another fact is she made herself available to you, and you ran with the rest, thats not love dude, thats opportunity. She has been with this guy 4 years, said she never cheated, and after a week of living together she ain't happy. This is no helpless desperate female at all but one who full well knows what she is doing. You obviously are way to close, and emotionally attached, to see her stuff stanks. I would advise you strongly to back away, and take a real good objective look at what you would be getting into, and leave the feeling aside for a bit, and let the brain work. She is not the innocent young thing you think she is and need to see things in a realistic light to make a decision, on if you want to cross that line between friend and lover, and help her cheat for the first time. Yep you would be that guy then right? If she and you, can't do this the right way, she leaves the b/f, and takes up with you, then don't do it.

Chery

I do see your history with her and can understand how you wish it would end. But have you talked about why she moved in with him even though she was not sure. What is she really sure of in her life? She could just be checking all her options before making her best choice, or she could be 'almost' done with him, but I think you should step back and let her work it out on her own. For your own safety, don't give 100% any more unless you are certain of getting a full 100% in return... and right now, I don't see her even half-way there.

You weren't wrong in coming here and posting, you seek reassurance. But the only one who can do that is still living with her BF. So, for your own sake, set some ground rules. You've waited this long, so don't rush now..

Good luck.

liz28

You need to be carefull who you choose to get involved with, especially someone thats already taken.

You took a risk by taking her home and then kissing her there, what would have happen if her bf caught you or you get caught in the future, since your decding to keep the affair going? Do you watch the news and see what some of these bf do, sometimes its deadly.

This should be an eye-opener for you about her b/c she seems to be in a committed relationship since they was together for 4years and now they live together!

This shows alot of respect and intergity she has. Lets say you continue to be her boy toy, do you really think you can toture yourself like that. It will only lead to jealous, b/c you will be sleeping with both of you, and you might not want to share. Since you already has feelings for her it will only grow and can leave you hurt. If not her but then you could have more self-worth because its not right do this and what happens if you were in the shoes of the boyfriend? Remember a leapord does not change it spots.

Leidenschaftlich für Wahr

if you can answer why people act out on their emotions before thinking of the most logical alternative in situation... i think youll be 9 out of 10 steps closer to finding your answer.

jolienoire

All of these are great points tal and chery right on!



Great response as well!

jolienoire

I think you posted because you want some feedback, and maybe you feel a little bad because you didn't get the response you were hoping.

Perhaps you were hoping to hear something along the lines of running off with her in the sunset and living happily ever after just as in the movies.

You do not look like that bad guy. You just reacted before thinking and as long as you open your eyes take a step back to see the clearer picture, and not jump into anything..

Before I post responses I do look at two sides, and sometimes even three sides. But in cases where someone is not available I strongly suggest you back off. Not that you are a bad guy but it can be very confusing. If you like her you will wait until she get her priorities straight she could very well be a nice girl, but just confused. Her actions alone states that, she doesn't know what she want.

If you do then you should not dig a deeper hole... you can obviously wait as you already been her friend for years.