Cheating on my fiancee

confusedman · #1 Oct 31, 2007, 06:25 AM

I'm having a big issue in my life. I got engaged at the beginning of 2006 with my fiancée who's been with me since 2004. I'm 28 and she is 23. Initially in 2006 when we got engaged things went great..it was refreshing for our relationship…it jumpstarted exciting things ..a big upgrade from our gf/bf status, we were totally in love and planning the wedding together was amazing. Recently we both got new jobs in another big city...this was a big move for us so we decided to move together from our little college town and relocate.
After starting my new internship a couple months ago I met some really great people at my work. .I never told them about my personal life therefore they no one at my office knew I was engaged or taken. I started hitting it off really well with one female coworker who was so intriguing to me and had the same tastes as film and music as I do...(note: my fiancee also has the same interests as well) but somehow this girl was just so brilliant and different that I became good friends with her during the workdays. We spent 9 hours a day together, ate lunch together and had really great conversations. She showed me around the city and it was so exciting to be in a big new city with someone new to talk to. After my internship ended I started a new job but i continued to hang out with her after work 1 or 2 times a week...we were always strictly friends and never flirted or hit on each other. Finally 2 weekends ago we went to an out of town concert together and out of nowhere we started kissing and holding hands. We both agreed we liked each other and to remain friends but not get involved in a relationship (which included no sex or anything intimate like that). Now mind you I was hanging out with this girl completely behind my fiancée’s back. I would always use the excuse I was out working or staying late with co-workers.

So I’m very confused right now...It is exciting to be hanging out with a "new" girl but the same time the passion in my existing relationship is dying..and I love my fiancee..she is beautiful, smart and hilarious. The way my past relationships have been is I always get "comfortable" and then the relationship just get boring to me. I always start out intense and once I “score” the girl I get stuck in a 2+ year relationship that I eventually just let die. That is how a lot of my past relationships ended...with me just finding a replacement...but this time it's different..i'm engaged to someone at one point I thought i would never find anything better... which makes me feel horrible.

We have been on rocky waters for the last month as far as intimacy goes..she complains that there is no passion in the relationship..and we act like "best friends" more than anything..but the weird thing is that I’m not looking to have sex or be passionate with anybody else. I just really enjoy the companionship, the thrill, the holding hands with the "new" girl...even when I have a feeling even if I did end the engagement and decided to pursue a relationship with the new girl it wouldn't work out..she's 22 and I’m pushing 30 in a few years...but then you never know what could happen in the future? sigh. so I guess I’m trying to figure out what I want. I’m hoping this is a phase and I’ll just get over it ..drop the new girl and get back on track before the wedding in a year.

Anyways thanks for reading..any help will be nice. i know I'm a horrible person but I need advice to make things right. I don't know what to do.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 31, 2007, 06:35 AM

I think you need to end your engagement. You are cheating and being unfair to your fiance. Not even letting the people you work with know you were enaged was the first red flag before I finished reading the rest.
Do the honorable thing. Tell your fiance what you are doing and give her the choice as to whether or not she wants to stick around while you make up your mind.

excello98 · Oct 31, 2007, 06:38 AM

From what you've said it seems like it's a decision only you can make. You've known both of these people for long periods of time, and if you're going to marry one of them I think you need to take some time out for yourself and think about what you really want. An answer on here probably won't help that much!!

I would suggest trying to reinvigorate your relationship with your fiancee. Surprise her - try and be just as intense as you were when you first met her. Long-term relationships require work!! If you do this I think you could be pleasantly surprised yourself...

And as for what could happen with the 'new girl' - remember that there are no guarantees. Many have fallen for the 'grass is greener' ideal and been badly burned (myself included, haha). If what you've found with your fiancee is so special and important to you (as it obviously is), then I'd be very careful in throwing it all away just becuase you've found someone you like holding hands with......

confusedman · Oct 31, 2007, 06:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by excello98

From what you've said it seems like it's a decision only you can make. You've known both of these people for long periods of time, and if you're going to marry one of them I think you need to take some time out for yourself and think about what you really want. An answer on here probably won't help that much!!

I would suggest trying to reinvigorate your relationship with your fiancee. Surprise her - try and be just as intense as you were when you first met her. Long-term relationships require work!! If you do this I think you could be pleasantly surprised yourself...

And as for what could happen with the 'new girl' - remember that there are no guarantees. Many have fallen for the 'grass is greener' ideal and been badly burned (myself included, haha). If what you've found with your fiancee is so special and important to you (as it obviously is), then I'd be very careful in throwing it all away just becuase you've found someone you like holding hands with......

thanks excello,
yes the "grass is always greener" is always a risk i know. in fact my fiancee was the greener grass for another relationship years ago..and up to this point it worked out fine..i'm just wondering If i'm not cut out for marriage..maybe i'm scared..i don't know..i'm afraid that i'm going to get married and then i'll just keep trying to look for something new eventually...i hate that feeling..i just want to be happy and loyal to one person..i really need to bring back the fire that we had when we first met..it just sucks that i'm losing the fire before we even get married..that is not healthy to start things off.

thanks

Homegirl 50 · Oct 31, 2007, 06:46 AM

Then either cut all ties with the girl you work with and work on your relationship with your fiance, or let your fiance go. Does this other girl know you are engaged?

excello98 · Oct 31, 2007, 06:57 AM

mmm...well maybe someone else can jump in at this point because I've never wanted to get married for precisely that reason! After my parents got divorced I never understood the whole marriage thing, but I assume you shouldn't be having cold-feet about it, especially not a year out. Maybe society needs a relationship-paradigm shift, haha, or maybe you're just not ready for marriage yet.

If you're feeling that badly about the whole thing you might just have to bite the bullet and let your fiancee know how you're feeling. This might even mean breaking the engagement and trying things with the new girl - although this obvioulsy this could have disastorous consequences as far as your relationship with your fiancee is concerned.

I would still recommend against doing that, but in the end it's your decision! Remember that honesty is the best policy and that whatever decision you make you need to stick by it!

Hope that's helped at least a little.

confusedman · Oct 31, 2007, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by excello98

mmm...well maybe someone else can jump in at this point because I've never wanted to get married for precisely that reason! After my parents got divorced I never understood the whole marriage thing, but I assume you shouldn't be having cold-feet about it, especially not a year out. Maybe society needs a relationship-paradigm shift, haha, or maybe you're just not ready for marriage yet.

If you're feeling that badly about the whole thing you might just have to bite the bullet and let your fiancee know how you're feeling. This might even mean breaking the engagement and trying things with the new girl - although this obvioulsy this could have disastorous consequences as far as your relationship with your fiancee is concerned.

I would still recommend against doing that, but in the end it's your decision! Remember that honesty is the best policy and that whatever decision you make you need to stick by it!

Hope that's helped at least a little.

yes thanks your advice is helpful!
yah the marriage thing is scary...but your very right about jeopardizing everything I have built up these last few years just for the sake of holding hands and kissing a girl just because it feels "Exciting and new". That is A LOT i'm giving up..and i don't think it is worth it...but i don't feel happy at home..i enjoy going out with all my new co workers and hanging out with them rather than going out with the fiancee.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 31, 2007, 07:18 AM

Then you need to end the relationship with your fiance. You are not being fair to her. Personally I don't think you are ready for marriiage other wise you would not have been going out with this other girl.

confusedman · Oct 31, 2007, 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Then you need to end the relationship with your fiance. You are not being fair to her. Personally I don't think you are ready for marriiage other wise you would not have been going out with this other girl.

thanks homegirl for your advice.
yah i'm screwing everything up on both sides. I need to take time out and just figure out what the hell i am doing. i really hate this side of me which I need to work on.



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