I've been on this site for almost a month now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

And the universe will take care of the rest."

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!!!

zooropa1985

funny enough i didnt get thin after the breakup, instead i got fat, its only now that im starting to get into shape again, another reason to hate the lol

zinny

Your words speak volumes into my situation as everybody else whose ever experienced a break up or the likes!! Dunno how you'd take this but you've blessed me so much with this!! Food for though for realz man!!

It must come from somebody who has experienced the thick and thin of that situation!!

Much appreciated

friend4u178

Thanks Zinny , I'm glad I was able to "Bless" someone with this post :-)

daisydew

Love it! Thanks so much for this. It helps me realize how far I've come : )

huggis1

This wonderful piece of literature should have its own site. When people google the words "Break-up advice" this is what they should read first. It might stop those greedy people who charge money for advice books on the subject.
I cannot praise this enough.
Thanks so much.

talaniman

You absolutely nailed it.

MissingHim2Much

Hi friend, sorry it took me so long to respond. I think I was afraid of it at first. It hit so close to home that I kinda ran the other way. Does that make sense? I'm still in somewhat of a denial state. And getting better still seems so far away. But it does give me hope and I do long for that day. I do read the posts on here and I see the new ones and I think that was me 5 weeks ago. I know I've made some progress (very little it seems) but some. And it's all THANKS TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!!! You are an inspiration to the broken hearted that can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks Hon

Geoffersonairplane

Absolutely fantastic post, one of the best I have seen on here for a long time. I and many, many others on here are proof that this is all true and that there is light at the tunnel at the end. I like this part in particular:

'It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better'.

That is a really precise and appropriate description of how the process works and while it is different for everyone, it takes time and time means many months, 3, 6, 9 or even 12 months. Everyone is different and there are many factors to consider in how long it takes. What amazes me about this post is the absolute truth about how it all works, the grief process and the predictability of it. That is not to say that all will follow the exact patterns but that there is some consistency in what we do and how we cope. I speak for myself and I speak in terms of what I have seen both in the real world ( so to speak) and here on AMHD (and I have been checking in long enough here to recognise the signs and symptoms).

Anyone who is confused as to whether what they are feeling or what they are doing is right or wrong should really read this post thoroughly and check back on it in say, 9 months time, when he or she is feeling more emotionally healthy.

A final point I would like to make is that you do have some control on how you grieve but you don't have full control, some of the process is what is within you and will kind of drive you through it..Hard to really explain but it is important to realise that one has only limited control over the way he or she deals with it.

I wish all the newbies the best in their road to recovery, because that is exactly what it is.

MayMsredrose

Wonderful post ...it touched my heart.... I loved it all especially that part when you said
" Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back. And the universe will take care of the rest." I have been trying to get myself back but I could not am unable to ... I feel like dead person... it has been 8 years now since I break up with him...I dated other people (4 guys) but it did not work... what do you think is missing??

Thank you again so much for this wonderful post.


Ms. Redrose

cal823

on chick i broke up with started a process of change that turned me into a far better and wiser person when she dumped me.
its funny, i spent several months trying to improve myself, to fix up the shortcomings and the issues that had caused the breakup, and when i saw her again, i ended up going out with her best friend lolz
you can get hurt, dumped, cheated on, your heart broken, your spirit crushed, you can feel such despair and self hate because of that other person, but in the end, you can see all but one person, when you look back, as life experiences, teachers, practice, part of your attempt to find yourself in others. its okay to get dumped, to break up, to get heartbroken, to get trod on, as long as you get back up and learn from the experience, as long as you get just that little bit closer to your one true love, its worth it.
coz really, in the end, a break up just narrows down your search.

brilliant post friend4u, great to see such a smart person posting such an intelligent and useful post, that could possibly be referred to in the future for people with applicable issues in their lives.
its a great bit of advice, one that maybe should be kept on hand to be linked for break up related questions.
looking forward to your future posts.